Red flags or me being horribly critical?

[MagnetBars]

Ive had good relationships in the past but after an awful one last year with heaps of emotional abuse, I’m on edge all the time with new people!

Started dating someone who cannot do enough for me. We get on well and have a laugh. But he’s always in contact... what every girl wants really isn’t it so maybe I am being harsh. But it’s all the time and I have said it’s ok not to text me so much, can we dial it back and he does, but then it starts again. I’m a big texter too so this isn’t a huge issue but it makes things feel full on quite early. Sometimes I don’t reply and he will say he is worried about me. Not asking for advice on how to deal with this as I know how to but just listing it as it might be relevant to the other things.

If I can’t make a date he will be upset for a minute and then say it’s ok. He’s never angry but it’s clear he isn’t happy about it and I’ve hurt him. I think he wants me to be as keen as he is and I’m just not at that point yet but I do like him.

I still had tinder installed on my phone after 3 months...I didn’t even think to delete it. One time he came back from the toilets in a restaurant and I was on my phone while he was gone, and he saw as he walked back to the table. He then went cold on me and later said he knew I was texting other people and why did I have tinder on my phone still. Fair point I guess but there was nothing in it I just hadn’t deleted it.

One time we drove to an event and I was giving directions from my phone. He took a wrong turn or I had misjudged which exit the map was saying to turn and he suddenly shouted and got cross. I also heard him shouting at his brothers dog really angrily when the dog was staying at his house.

He’s made the odd comment about where I live compared with where he lives (he lives in a nicer area), which I thought quite rude.

But aside from this he is totally there for me all the time and we have loads in common, he’s good fun and will do anything to make me happy, if i mention somewhere I would like to go or w film I would like to see he will do what he can to organise it and always makes time for me outside his very busy job. He would juggle it to make the relationship work and that says a great deal about him, he really does want to put the time in.

That list should be read alongside the fact he’s hardworking and caring and doesn’t go off drinking or ignore my calls or be emotionally abusive. My feeling is I just don’t feel the same way yet about him and if I did then things would settle down? It’s only been 3 months though and I just want more time to take it slower, which I’ve said but then he says ‘it isn’t going anywhere if you don’t want to go on holiday after 3 months with someone..’ and I know it’s just because he likes me so much which is lovely but then is this how someone behaves when they love you or is this just a sudden lust and neediness from him? I’m so confused!

*are not taking the replies on board

Red flags.
End it.

Why do you keep talking yourself out of ending it when you know this isn't working for you and you know this man has a parade of red flags waving behind him?

He's controlling, possessive, has anger issues, and you're just not feeling it.

END IT.

I know it's hard when you start to think 'oh no, i cant believe I've met another abuser, why does this keep happening to me?'

And their can be a tendency to think 'well he doesnt do a, b and c like the last one so maybe he isnt abusive'.

But the thing is op, there are a lot of them around. A lot. And they come in many variations. With these however, come many redflags that you can spot. And you have named a bunch. One or two of the things you have said alone would be enough for anyone to take herd and run if they are paying attention. You've listed about 10.

There

Scores of women on MN have set ideas about when things 'should' happen in dating and we're all OK with that so thats not a red flag at all. But the dog is the thing.

"He can be lovely, he’s kind and thoughtful and he really does just want a relationship with me. That’s the bottom line."

I would say the bottom line is how he is when he's not being lovely, kind and thoughtful. And you don't owe him a relationship. Besides at 3 months long-term plans are based on fantasy not reality.

People with abusive tendencies can be absolutely lovely when they're not actually engaging in abusive behaviour and they often hurry a relationship along with intense love-bombing at the outset.

Over time I've come to think that the best test of a long-term relationship is how your partner behaves and how you feel when things are not going well, not how lovely your partner is and how you feel when things are going well.

In any case, he's finding various different ways to barge over your boundaries and push you around. That isn't lovely and it's making you uncomfortable. You've come out of an emotionally abusive relationship and I think your instincts may be warning you that this one is tending the same way.

Started dating someone who cannot do enough for me. We get on well and have a laugh.
That's quite normal. You are still getting to know each other.

Sometimes I don’t reply and he will say he is worried about me. Needy

He’s never angry but it’s clear he isn’t happy about it and I’ve hurt him. Red flag.

He then went cold on me and later said he knew I was texting other people and why did I have tinder on my phone still. Fair point I guess but there was nothing in it I just hadn’t deleted it. How did he know? Red flag.

he suddenly shouted and got cross. I also heard him shouting at his brothers dog really angrily when the dog was staying at his house.
Red flag

He’s made the odd comment about where I live compared with where he lives (he lives in a nicer area), which I thought quite rude.
Rude.

‘it isn’t going anywhere if you don’t want to go on holiday after 3 months with someone..’
You hardly know him. A holiday would make or break the relationship and could be hell.

He is too needy. Bin him.

"He can be lovely, he’s kind and thoughtful and he really does just want a relationship with me. "

Well, of course he is. That's how abusive men hook us and reel us in then keep us in their keep net. The niceness makes us question the less than nice side and makes us believe it can't be that bad because look at all his good points and nice things he does.

OP, take great care.

You sound as if his needs to be in a relationship with you, trumps your decision as to whether you actually want to be in a relationship with him.

That is dangerous and batshit.

You barely know him.

You do not owe him a relationship 🙄

Some odd things, anyone who's booking a holiday after 3 months is jumping the gun and taking a risk - so his reasoning is wrong there. Shouting at the dog depends on context - love my dog to bits, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't given him serious shouty verbals when he's destroyed something - he's not chewed my glasses since .
What is it about some men and driving the wrong way? Some do lose their shit when they do something wrong behind the wheel of a car.
I'd contact him as little or as much as I liked regardless of his wishes, if he texted about being worried - he'd maybe get a quick, I'm fine, or all ok. He either dials down the neediness and adapts or should be gone, especially if it escalates - watch for that.

I agree, red flags.
The one about you not responding quick enough to a text is one.
That will get worse until he will suffocate your freedom and check who you contact.

His mask slipped when you heard him shouting horribly at the poor dog. Get rid of him.

OP, it seems to me that the bottom line is, you’re simply not that into him, but you’re trying to keep up with his needs and wants, just in case..

He does sound very needy and is now slowly failing to hide his jealousy, contempt and snobbiness.

Why continue things if you’re not that into him? I think most of us know if we really want someone by 3mths or not..

I bet if you could come up with a few more red flags if you thought more.

Oh no no no.

This one is going to be a controlling nightmare.

He's pushy and disrespectful of your boundaries already - no, he does not 'just want a relationship - he wants to be in charge of you.

Get rid.

Ruuuuuuuuun FFS sounds like the beginning of a true crime documentary!

People who are cruel to the powerless - e.g. animals - are the most dangerous ones by far. You'll rue the day you got involved with him. Run, today.

Red flag bunting there lovely. I'm so sorry.

He thinks that if you won’t go on holiday with him after just 12 weeks of knowing one another that the relationship isn’t going anywhere? Too right, I’d be off into that sunset!

Seriously, he is too full on too soon. I would be showing him the door.

How old is he? How does he talk about women in general? What does he comment on?

I've had good relationships in the past but after an awful one last year with heaps of emotional abuse, I’m on edge all the time with new people!

I think this experience places a woman in an extremely vulnerable position to be picked out by a not particularly good man. Then the victim of prior abuse victim-blames and doubts themselves and their perceptions.

This man doesn't sound particularly nice. I think you deserve better than this.

This sounds so much like a man my friend is seeing. I can't articulate why but I find him really alarming.

His reactions are just "off" and if she tells him something bothers her, he's all apologies. But nothing really changes, or not for long anyway.

He makes subtle little digs at her all the time, but he gets upset to the point of tears if she criticises anything about him.

His relationship with his children is weird. There's a very clear golden child and a scapegoat.

He tried to book a UK mini-break for them both during lockdown when they'd only seen each a handful of times, and was only thwarted by the fact that places weren't taking bookings.

Anyway...

The dog thing would finish it for me OP. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. And it's a huge red flag about what sort of person he is.

I think this experience places a woman in an extremely vulnerable position to be picked out by a not particularly good man. Then the victim of prior abuse victim-blames and doubts themselves and their perceptions.

I think this is definitely true. If your self-esteem is low or you've experienced a relationship involving some kind of abuse, you become a magnet for these types. Ask me how I know......

Take some time out to work on yourself and your own self-esteem. If you give off an air of confidence rather than vulnerability you will start to attract a different type of man.
Again... ask me how I know.....
But I am still not ready for a new relationship so although it's nice to have attention from "better quality men" (for want of a better phrase - that sounds awful, sorry), I am not taking anything further with anyone at the moment.