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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do councellors take sides when doing individual therapy?

60 replies

ConfusedAnxious · 26/08/2020 22:08

I have been doing individual therapy for many months due to feeling confused in my marriage. My councellor thinks I should leave the marriage and that husband sounds abusive. But they have only heard my side of the story. If they heard his side do you think that would make a difference? As I think some of my behaviours resulted in some of his choices. E.g. I mentioned DH was unfaithful at the beginning of the marriage (10 years ago) but I also said our marriage was sexless for 2 years at the beginning as I lost my drive, I used to turn him down (later found out it was due to the contraceptive pill after stopping it) he controls the finances but I only earn a small amount (£200) a month which I spend on DC swimming, ballet etc. He doesn’t parent DC at all and leaves me to do everything but when DC1 was a baby I wouldn’t let him have a say in things (eg he wanted her to have a dummy but I said no as I was breastfeeding) he said he felt like I controlled the decisions with the babies. But at the time he was working a 72 hour week and wasn’t around much so as the parenting was left to me I wanted to decide how things were done as I was the one doing things most of the time (he said I pushed him out because I rejected his ideas of dummies formula crying it out etc). So he opted out of parenting. I became resentful doing everything so the physical side died again he spent all his spare time exercising or playing sports, he said that was because he was stressed. I don’t know what to make of it all. I am considering couples councelling so he can get his side across but the therapist thinks this relationship sounds abusive and it isn’t a good idea. But I think maybe if they heard his side they wouldn’t think it’s abusive? It’s the only relationship I have ever been in, childhood sweethearts so I don’t know any different. I somehow think I drove him to act the way he did/does.

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 26/08/2020 22:29

Regardless it sounds like you are desperate to make a go of it. So get some couples counselling anyway.

SoulofanAggron · 26/08/2020 22:37

What matters for your well being is how it feels to you. Individual therapists vary in how much they disagree with a client. Personally I wouldn't put up with it from a therapist at the moment, because it's not what I'm looking for. Some of them can talk utter bollox and be very unsupportive. It sounds like you've found a good'un.

What actions of his did your therapist consider as abusive?

If you aren't sure what she found abusive, ask her to make it clear. They say that you shouldn't have couple's counselling with an abusive partner.

I somehow think I drove him to act the way he did/does.

A lot of victims feel that, but it's not the case. Abusers are in control of their behaviour. It does sound like you're blaming yourself. Try to keep reminding yourself that you're not to blame. xxx

blackice · 26/08/2020 23:01

To answer your question, yes they do

Original poster

ConfusedAnxious · 27/08/2020 00:00

She said he was abusive because he had multiple affairs (although this was now 10 years ago and I don’t think he has had one since he wouldn’t have the time) he was secretive with his phone and has a password on it, I don’t get a say in financial decisions or how money is spent, if I needed something for myself or dc he would say there isn’t the money and I should get a job (when they were babies) but found money for posh lunches at work and nice work clothes for himself. He left all childcare and housework to me. And gave me cold looks if I ever mentioned I was going to go out with a friend and would ask me lots of questions about it like where did we go etc. He chose the family car (one which left us heavily in debt) with no input from me. He doesn’t discuss finances with me.

But he could say after 3 years together my sex drive lowered significantly and then 2 years with no sex (he never told me it bothered him though, but I should have realised my drive had gone but I just thought maybe this what happens in long term marriages, it wasn’t until I came off the pill I realised that’s what the problem was). And I did do everything when they were babies but he wasn’t around much and I didn’t like some of the things he wanted to try (I guess I was a first time mum trying to be perfect and should have let him have a say). And I have always worked part time, now kids are at school I do 25 hours a week, so maybe he felt I didn’t pull my weight.

I am very confused. I did mention the lack of sex to the therapist but she said that’s no excuse to cheat. And that he sounds controlling, and emotionally abusive as he blamed my lack of sex drive for his cheating and blamed his lack of parenting in me not giving him a say on things when they were babies. And said he spends no time with us because he does sports to de-stress but she said he should be prioritising the family.

OP posts:

Original poster

ConfusedAnxious · 27/08/2020 00:09

So I’m confused as I don’t know if he really is abusive or he just behaved this way because of how I made him feel.

So that’s what’s left me wondering if the therapist is saying he is abusive because he hasn’t been able to put across how he feels so she hasn’t got a balanced view.

OP posts:

Butterer · 27/08/2020 00:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bunnymumy · 27/08/2020 00:24

Based on your update op, your therapist is saying he is abusive-because he is abusive.

And there isn't 'another side' to that. Because there are no justifications for abusive behaviour. Just as there are arguably, no justifications for affairs either. He could have left if he wasnt happy, instead he shagged half the town.

Stop trying to put yourself in his shoes and instead, ask yourself- when does HE actually ever try to see things from MY point of view? Is he cutting himself up trying to change his behaviour to suit you? Constantly worrying about YOUR feelings? No, of course not. Because he is a total bastard.

bumpertobumper · 27/08/2020 00:36

A therapist should never say this to a client about their marriage unless they were certain.
They are trained to recognise and understand the dynamics of abusive relationships.
It is hard for you to hear and take on board because it is a massive realisation to digest.
Talk to the therapist about these questions and doubts, say how you feel about if she is just taking your side. That will be a useful conversation for you to have with her, and to understand where this thinking is coming from.

Your world is being turned upside down. Take it slowly, be kind to yourself, and it's not your fault.

If you want to read up a bit, get some understanding of what is abusive behaviour there are lots of good books out there. Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is frequtly recommend and is good, but have a browse on amazon, you can often do the 'look inside' thing and read a few pages, find one that resonates with you. And again, maybe ask your therapist if any recommendations.

SandyY2K · 27/08/2020 00:38

She's right...He's abusive.
She's also right couples therapy isn't advisable with an abusive partner.

There's no reason or excuse for abuse.

Perhaps you should sign up for the freedom programme and get further insight into abusers and their various behaviours.

Original poster

ConfusedAnxious · 27/08/2020 01:04

Thank you for the replies. Maybe this is something I should discuss with her. It’s like I just can’t take it in.

I just keep thinking I must of made him miserable to have made him behave this way. But I knew something wasn’t right, I went to the GP with depression and I decided to seek councelling instead of antidepressants and it has come out that most of the things that are making me depressed are to do with the relationship. And now I feel overwhelmed after being told he is abusive. I keep thinking maybe if she knew his side of the story then she would understand why he has behaved like that. Maybe I have made him sound really bad when he does have good points too. Like he is hard working and pays the bills. He has made a nice home for us from his hard work. Although the inside of the home is all his design. He doesn’t really consult me on much, maybe sometimes says do you like this one before he buys it. But I feel ungrateful saying that because he has made the home nice and he makes sure we have a nice holiday once a year he works overtime to pay for it.

OP posts:

Butterer · 27/08/2020 01:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ConfusedAnxious · 27/08/2020 01:18

Thank you. It is really helpful to write my thoughts down here and get others feedback, I have never done therapy before and was worried I was giving her a one sided view although I’ve tried to mention any ways I thought I behaved badly like the lack of sex.

OP posts:

Original poster

ConfusedAnxious · 27/08/2020 01:22

I have started to feel overwhelmed the last couple of sessions and felt like giving up therapy because I thought what if I am causing trouble for nothing and am just not explaining things properly, or thinking therapists are maybe always on the side of the client??

OP posts:

Butterer · 27/08/2020 01:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

semideponent · 27/08/2020 01:57

I think the big question for any therapist is this: are you on the side of the whole of me? It sounds like whatever it was in you that brought you to counselling is now coming up against all the other ways you have of seeing and experiencing your life. A good counsellor will welcome what you're bringing right now, help you explore why it's there and how it might work with other part or perspectives that you also have within you.

I think it's worth talking to your therapist about how you really feel in sessions and about therapy . Give those questions a voice: am I causing trouble for nothing? Am I not explaining properly? Let your counsellor know about that feeling of being overwhelmed.

And don't give up!

Original poster

ConfusedAnxious · 27/08/2020 08:39

Thank you

OP posts:

fuzzymoon · 27/08/2020 08:49

May be the sessions are highlighting a life you are leading that you don't want to see or acknowledge as it's so painful.

Part of being abused is being lead to believe that you are at fault and asked for it ,not that the abuser is doing something wrong.

You need to talk through why you feel uncomfortable with the therapist suggesting he is abusive.

I think deep down you know he is. Facing it is incredibly hard.

Why do some people treat people cruelly? Because unfortunately they desire control, enjoy controlling , having power and hurting someone. Because their brain is wired like ours.

fuzzymoon · 27/08/2020 08:50

Isn't *

Original poster

ConfusedAnxious · 27/08/2020 18:33

I am thinking I am finding it really hard to admit he is abusive. I feel like trying another therapist for a different view almost to prove me wrong. It’s like I doubt my own mind. And am now doubting what others tell me.

OP posts:

Original poster

ConfusedAnxious · 27/08/2020 18:34

It’s like I want someone to say no he isn’t abusive and this relationship can be fixed

OP posts:

category12 · 27/08/2020 18:38

What do you think of when you hear the word abuse? Maybe think about what you think domestic abuse and coercive control looks like? It might be that you're struggling to apply it to your own situation because of preconceptions you have?

What does a good relationship look like to you? What sort of childhood did you have and what sort of relationships did you grow up seeing?

SandyY2K · 27/08/2020 19:46

There may be factors that contribute to making him abusive...but they doesn't take away from the fact that he is abusive

I don't believe you world tell any therapist what he does and they don't think he's abusive.

Abusers also minimise their behaviour... so unless he's 100% honest...a therapist may not hear the truth.

A therapist will also be cautious about telling someone they are abusive...it's a lot better if the abuser admits they ate abusive to an extent, otherwise supporting them to make changes.

Itisbetter · 27/08/2020 20:20

You are allowed to stay with him regardless of what anyone calls him. He is unfaithful. He doesn’t parent his children. He controls you financially (you are obviously aware the money he has is half yours?). He doesn’t satisfy you emotionally or physically.

You can still stay with him. You get to choose.

Original poster

ConfusedAnxious · 27/08/2020 20:21

category12 when I think of emotional abuse I think of someone cheating multiple times when I’m a happy relationship. My DH cheated multiple times but we hadn’t had sex for 2 years. I think of someone not letting their partner have privacy but I have my own email and mobile and my partner never checks it. I think of the DH not allowing the woman out but DH lets me out but I get the silent treatment of lots of questions afterwards and sometimes before. With the children I just think he is not hands on rather than abusive. He doesn’t hit them. He just doesn’t make hardly any time for them. He said he is too tired from working 72 hours a week to do things with them. But he works those hours because he got himself into debt buying a very expensive car.

OP posts:

Original poster

ConfusedAnxious · 27/08/2020 20:23

sandy I feel like I want to do joint councelling but I know he won’t tell the truth especially about the cheating

OP posts:

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