Do councellors take sides when doing individual therapy?

[ConfusedAnxious]

I have been doing individual therapy for many months due to feeling confused in my marriage. My councellor thinks I should leave the marriage and that husband sounds abusive. But they have only heard my side of the story. If they heard his side do you think that would make a difference? As I think some of my behaviours resulted in some of his choices. E.g. I mentioned DH was unfaithful at the beginning of the marriage (10 years ago) but I also said our marriage was sexless for 2 years at the beginning as I lost my drive, I used to turn him down (later found out it was due to the contraceptive pill after stopping it) he controls the finances but I only earn a small amount (£200) a month which I spend on DC swimming, ballet etc. He doesn’t parent DC at all and leaves me to do everything but when DC1 was a baby I wouldn’t let him have a say in things (eg he wanted her to have a dummy but I said no as I was breastfeeding) he said he felt like I controlled the decisions with the babies. But at the time he was working a 72 hour week and wasn’t around much so as the parenting was left to me I wanted to decide how things were done as I was the one doing things most of the time (he said I pushed him out because I rejected his ideas of dummies formula crying it out etc). So he opted out of parenting. I became resentful doing everything so the physical side died again he spent all his spare time exercising or playing sports, he said that was because he was stressed. I don’t know what to make of it all. I am considering couples councelling so he can get his side across but the therapist thinks this relationship sounds abusive and it isn’t a good idea. But I think maybe if they heard his side they wouldn’t think it’s abusive? It’s the only relationship I have ever been in, childhood sweethearts so I don’t know any different. I somehow think I drove him to act the way he did/does.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. You describe this man as your childhood sweetheart as well; did you meet him when you were very young and had no real life experience behind you?. Do you feel this unlovable that he is all you deserve from a relationship?. He dug this hole for your relationship and you're now growing flowers in it.

What is so scary to you about breaking up the family here; he has already broken this unit markedly by his actions. He knows he has done you wrong here and he does not care.

He shows you no remorse whatsoever, the only person he cares about in your marriage here is he and he is also the one actively abusing you (and in turn your kids who are learning about relationships from you two here?. Is this really the model you want to be showing them?. Would you want your kids as adults to have a relationship like this, no you would not. And its not good enough for you either.

Counselling is often a hard road, and yes, it can make things seem worse for a while, but it will help in the long run. As pps have said, it's when you want to run away from it that you need to stick it out.

And as I said upthread, "drawing a line" just means pretending the past has no bearing on the present - he just wants you to shut up. Is he actually offering any change at all?

I would also urge you to stick with the counselling sessions you're having as this will also go some way to lift the fear, obligation and guilt that have clouded your mind here.

(BTW is he a lot older than you?)

You have never been responsible in any way for his choices or actions; he acted of his own free will here and you never influenced that. His repeated cheating was and remains all about him and never about you and its no reflection on you as a person.

Again, I’m not sure if this will make any sense but bear with me.

I have been in situations : a marriage, another relationship and a job, for example, where I thought if I just tried harder and the other party did their part, eventually things would come right.

I needed to to see the pattern for myself, not just hear someone else telling me it was looking bad. That took time and left me in a risky situation longer.

It was a bit like an addiction where I had to get to the point of realising “This is not good for me, in fact it’s actively dangerous and could kill me or do me serious permanent harm.”

Other people sharing their ‘experience, strength and hope’ can help that destructive pattern become visible sooner.

Once I could see it I knew I had to stop trying to repair things and cling on. I had to leave but that wasn’t easy or risk free, I was lucky to make it.

bunymummy thank you I will have a look on YouTube

atillathemeerkat I was 17 when we met and he was 18, we were each other’s first boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m not sure how everything ended up turning out like this, I guess that’s why I blame myself.

I have thought I do get a few things out of the relationship, I know the mortgage is paid and I only have to work part time. And some company from another adult in the house. But that’s all.

I would be sad if one of my dc ended up in a relationship like this

category12 he keeps saying he will change in respect of giving me help with the dc but it never lasts. Maybe one night of doing their homework then nothing for months. I feel he should be doing these things off his own back but he said I need to ask him for help as men need telling??

neome I do in a way feel like I am addicted to him but he is not good for me

That wasn't really what I meant - but men do not need reminding how to parent children, and they do not have an inability to do their share at home. This is not the dark ages and penises do not mean an inability to see housework or care for children. Laziness and asshattery are not inevitable male traits.

But what I meant by whether he was offering any change was about the controlling abusive behaviours he uses on you. Has he any notion of changing those?

• Is he going to give you equal access to money?
• Is he going to stop giving you the silent treatment?
• Is he going to stop questioning you about going out?
• Are you going to have equal say in decision-making? And so on.

But you know already that he pays lip-service to change - he'll do a simple thing like helping your child with homework for one night and won't bother again, and what's worse, turn it around and blame it on you for not reminding him.

They do take your side — usually — but sometimes they attempt to take the other side which can be hard when you’re paying for the pleasure