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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do councellors take sides when doing individual therapy?

60 replies

ConfusedAnxious · 26/08/2020 22:08

I have been doing individual therapy for many months due to feeling confused in my marriage. My councellor thinks I should leave the marriage and that husband sounds abusive. But they have only heard my side of the story. If they heard his side do you think that would make a difference? As I think some of my behaviours resulted in some of his choices. E.g. I mentioned DH was unfaithful at the beginning of the marriage (10 years ago) but I also said our marriage was sexless for 2 years at the beginning as I lost my drive, I used to turn him down (later found out it was due to the contraceptive pill after stopping it) he controls the finances but I only earn a small amount (£200) a month which I spend on DC swimming, ballet etc. He doesn’t parent DC at all and leaves me to do everything but when DC1 was a baby I wouldn’t let him have a say in things (eg he wanted her to have a dummy but I said no as I was breastfeeding) he said he felt like I controlled the decisions with the babies. But at the time he was working a 72 hour week and wasn’t around much so as the parenting was left to me I wanted to decide how things were done as I was the one doing things most of the time (he said I pushed him out because I rejected his ideas of dummies formula crying it out etc). So he opted out of parenting. I became resentful doing everything so the physical side died again he spent all his spare time exercising or playing sports, he said that was because he was stressed. I don’t know what to make of it all. I am considering couples councelling so he can get his side across but the therapist thinks this relationship sounds abusive and it isn’t a good idea. But I think maybe if they heard his side they wouldn’t think it’s abusive? It’s the only relationship I have ever been in, childhood sweethearts so I don’t know any different. I somehow think I drove him to act the way he did/does.

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedAnxious · 27/08/2020 20:24

itisbetter this is What I’m scared I will do. Just stay with him as it’s easier. It feels too scary for my whole life to change. Even though I’m unhappy. It just doesn’t make sense.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 27/08/2020 20:30

Yeah it isn't wise to go to counciling with him.
The reason being that abusers can often even trick councillors.

You also have to realise that also, it won't change him into a nice person.

Change is scary sometimes, but nothing would be worse than wasting your your whole life with a nasty piece of work.

Itisbetter · 27/08/2020 20:33

You’re choice. In this you have ALL the power.

Itisbetter · 27/08/2020 20:33

Sorry your

Original poster
ConfusedAnxious · 27/08/2020 20:47

Yes I’m scared of wasting my life. But also scared of breaking up the family and all the change that would bring everyone Sad

OP posts:
category12 · 27/08/2020 20:50

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.

Questioning you and making going out an issue is a controlling behaviour - it makes you think twice about going out, I bet? You start thinking, is it worth it?

Cheating on you wasn't his only option, you know. If there's a drop in sex, it doesn't entitle a guy to go off and cheat and lie and gaslight his partner (or vice versa).

Not hitting the kids is a very low bar for fatherhood. Did you grow up in a physically abusive home?

category12 · 27/08/2020 20:52

If you know already he wouldn't be honest with a counsellor, then there's utterly no point in going to see one together. (Even if joint counselling was a good idea where there's abuse, which it isn't).

Original poster
ConfusedAnxious · 27/08/2020 20:59

Yes I don’t like going out it feels too much hastle. Plus I feel like I can’t really gel with anyone like I only feel comfortable with DH. It’s a weird feeling. I grew up with a really hands on dad, so I find DHs parenting very weird. I think DH would not open up about the cheating in therapy but maybe there is no point like he said it was 10 years ago and we have to draw a line under it. He said he’s prepared to draw a line under everything and move forward

OP posts:
category12 · 27/08/2020 21:05

It's all very well "drawing a line" but that's basically saying you have to forget all the things he's done yet and shut up about them. What's he actually going to do to change?

Is he going to give you access to the finances?
Is he going to stop giving you the silent treatment?
Is he going to stop questioning you about going out?
Are you going to get an equal say in decisions? (I presume you didn't get a vote in buying the expensive car?)

Basically saying drawing a line is like saying let's play pretend none of this ever happened, yet if the dynamic between you remains the same, then it's purely about shutting you up.

SandyY2K · 27/08/2020 21:29

Is he interested in joint counselling?

Does he see that you're not happy or that there are issues in the marriage ?

You do know that there are degrees of abuse don't you? He may not be the type who beats you up or physically stops you from going out... but his behaviours in some regards are abusive.

Have you ever asked why he sulks when you go out ? Have you told him his that behaviour makes you feel ?

Sssloou · 27/08/2020 21:48

This sounds like v early days in your therapy. There is no rush to sell the house and divorce by next Tuesday. Keep exploring your emotions with the counsellor it will help life the depression and move you out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that clouds your mind. In time you will incrementally see and know what is your own personal perspective and this clarity will give you strength and focus to know what to do next.

RhubarbTea · 27/08/2020 22:05

@Sssloou

This sounds like v early days in your therapy. There is no rush to sell the house and divorce by next Tuesday. Keep exploring your emotions with the counsellor it will help life the depression and move you out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that clouds your mind. In time you will incrementally see and know what is your own personal perspective and this clarity will give you strength and focus to know what to do next.
This is excellent advice. Your therapist is there to be on your side, yes, but their role is to help you to decide what YOU want from life. If you want to stay in your relationship they can help you explore what that might look like. I have read that the urge to leave therapy is often when you most need to stay, as you've hit on some difficult stuff and the automatic urge is to run away. If you stay and work things through, you will almost certainly learn something. Good luck!
Original poster
ConfusedAnxious · 27/08/2020 22:31

ssslloou thank you that is really helpful advice. The fog in my mind is exactly what I need to clear. I feel like I can’t think any more and don’t trust my own judgement

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Original poster
ConfusedAnxious · 28/08/2020 00:55

rhubarb tea thank you, I think you are right, I do feel like I want to leave as it all feels too much but I need to stay and work through this

OP posts:
Neome · 28/08/2020 01:28

I imagine you went for counselling hoping it would help you resolve your depression and set you back on the path to a happy life. Instead you have been shown a mirror of your marriage in which everything looks backwards.

I once went for a fertility assessment scan expecting to be told I didn’t have a lot of eggs left or that IVF was worth a try. Instead the doctor doing the scan said “I can see an enormous tumour on your ovary”.

Unexpected, serious, really hard to mentally adjust. Action required, painful consequences, no guarantee of happy ever after.

If this analogy makes no sense please ignore it but do seek out the freedom programme. It was literally a life saver which I attended when in a women’s refuge the dominator and mr right graphic is very telling.

Original poster
ConfusedAnxious · 28/08/2020 07:47

neome that is so true. I thought It would help my depression instead it feels worse now as my world feels upside down

OP posts:
johnd2 · 28/08/2020 10:30

@bunnymumy abusers don't trick counsellors

The premise of This whole thread seems to assume that counsellors are some higher authority that you have to get approval from, but that's not how it should work.
Counseling is designed to get to the bottom of your feelings and understand yourself better. Joint counseling is similar but you want to understand each other better. This assumes the problem in the relationship is lack of understanding, which is a very common problem so joint counseling is very useful often.
The reason not to get joint counseling with an abuser is the the abuser uses their understanding of you to control you or get their own way. So joint counseling will actually make things worse for the abused party.
However it's fine for both to get separate counseling.

What the counsellor themselves thinks didn't matter as they are not there to judge, they are there to help you to decide.

category12 · 28/08/2020 11:14

abusers don't trick counsellors I don't agree - counsellors, being human, sometimes are suckered by a charming, apparently remorseful/confused abuser and can be led into behaving unprofessionally. Just like sometimes abusers get their spouse's own family, friends or even other professionals working with the family to become their flying monkeys. I agree that the primary reason for not having joint counselling is that it gives the abuser fresh ammunition, but there can be the element of using the perceived authority figure against the spouse also.

Bunnymumy · 28/08/2020 11:24

Abusers most definately can trick councillors. Some councillors have very limited knowledge of cluster b personality disorders and how to spot them for example, unfortunately. And even a person who knows their stuff can still be fooled by these sorts.

Yes the idea behind avoiding joint counciling is because the abuser would use it to bulldoze over you and leave you feeling further confused and alienated. But imagine if they get the councillor onside, agreeing with any of their narrative. Then you have 'even the councillor thinks you are crazy'. The councillor doesnt even need to be taking sides but can still reinforce the abusers lies and manipulations, unwittingly.

ALLIS0N · 28/08/2020 11:24

OP you have done the right thing to go for counselling and also to ask for advice here on MN. You say that you don’t feel right with anyone except your Dh but that’s twice you have reached out for help and been given good advice.

So getting a different perspective on things is helping you, as well as being confusing.

I think that deep down you know it’s not right how he treats you.

Original poster
ConfusedAnxious · 28/08/2020 11:27

I spoke to him and he said he isn’t keen on joint councelling he said he knows he has done wrong in the past and the best thing to do is draw a line under it and make a happy future?? He said he doesn’t want to sit there feeling like he is being told off for cheating 10 years ago

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedAnxious · 28/08/2020 11:28

So that’s him and the councellor that think it is a bad idea but for different reasons

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedAnxious · 28/08/2020 11:29

I guess I’m hoping someone would see his idea so I feel I have some blame in all of this instead of feeling sick when someone says I am being emotionally abused

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedAnxious · 28/08/2020 11:31

Does therapy eventually help you to become stronger because at the moment I feel weaker than ever?

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 28/08/2020 11:35

Maybe things like reading some self help books on building your self esteem would help. And reading up on abuse and how to spot it.

I'd recommend checking out some of melanie tonia Evans youtube videos on narcissists. Just dont let him see you watching them. It helps to have another woman's experiences of what is and is not ok and might help you feel stronger when it comes to knowing what you want and not tolerating shit that isn't acceptable. Plus, help you better spot abusive behaviour.