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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just been dumped by text after 2 years because I have children

70 replies

Helpplease101 · 26/08/2020 09:16

He has never evenmet them BTW. I would see him at weekends when the children were with their father. We share childcare so I have plenty of child free time. We have been offered the liday together lots of times and to be honest this is no different to any relationship I had prior to children.

We hit the two year mark and talked of getting engaged. I told him I wouldn't push for us to live together because our lifestyle was different but we would have a modern approach of a committed relationship but with two homes. This was because he was so used to being by himself I figured it was better not to push him into family life. If he chose later he wanted that then we could adapt.

He was an alcoholic that I have supported and became sober too in support of him. He was depressed and I was always there for him. I helped him redecorate his home and make it lovely. I even built a fence with him 🙄

He had me as his joint WhatsApp pic and then after two weeks of saying his depression was worse he texted me saying the relationship is over. He then immediately blocked me.

He has depression and work was getting more stressful.

Im just shocked I loved this man.

My first relationship after a violent marriage for 16 years. I thought I had finally found my person. I have four lovely children and now I just feel worthless

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpplease101 · 26/08/2020 09:18

Sorry meant we have been on holiday together

OP posts:
Palavah · 26/08/2020 09:20

I am so sorry to hear this. You sound as though you've been an incredibly supportive partner and this must feel confusing and hurtful.

You've put other people first for a long time. Just now please focus on yourself - do what you feel like doing to take care of yourself and not what is going on in this guy's head.
Is there someone you can talk to in real life?

ttigerlilly · 26/08/2020 09:23

I'm so sorry OP Thanks

How cowardly to do this by text and block you immediately. I think it speaks volumes about the person he is, depression or not, it's a horrible thing to do to someone especially someone like you who has been there for him.

I echo the PP about focusing on yourself, you deserve so much better xx

Original poster
Helpplease101 · 26/08/2020 09:26

Thank you you are right i have complely let my worth be all about if I am loved by him. I don't really have people to talk to in real life. Long story but I left a sort of cult please don't ask me for details about this 😔 but I have had to leave all of my friends behind. They all warned me dating someone outside of the this cult would result in this and it seems they are right

OP posts:
MondeoFan · 26/08/2020 09:31

Sounds like you put a lot of effort in with him. Did he put a lot of effort in with you? Personally I wouldn't think of getting engaged to someone who hadn't met my children. To me that would be a relationship with no chance of working.

Dery · 26/08/2020 09:33

@Helpplease101 - the fact that he is messed up and has treated you badly has nothing to do with him not being part of a cult. There are millions of decent men who are not part of a cult. So please don't attribute it to that. You are right to have broken away from people who are so narrow-minded and judgmental and assume that anyone different from them will behave badly and cannot be trusted. That must have taken a great deal of strength and determination on your part - you're obviously a very strong woman.

But of course it makes it harder for you if you have had to leave your support network behind and that has probably made you more dependent on him and his approval than you would otherwise have been.

It sounds like you have gone through a fairly devastating set of life experiences and would benefit from some counselling to help you unravel everything that has happened. Is that a possibility?

In the meantime, go as easy on yourself as you can. Pamper and indulge yourself. Do also keep posting here for support, too.

Original poster
Helpplease101 · 26/08/2020 09:33

I sort of felt it coming he would normally be so loving and then in his two weeks of cancelling seeing me he became distant. I took the children on holiday and he dumped me on my return. How do I feel worthwhile and get rid of this empty feeling inside? I've found an old box of prozac so will start taking them to numb the pain hopefully.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 26/08/2020 09:34

It's nothing to do with dating outside the cult. People are all different. You could just as easily have dated someone with whom this didnt happen. Relationships don't work out for all sorts of reasons.

If it were the case that all relationships work out beautifully and magically within the cult, your marriage wouldnt have broken down (through no fault of your own incidentally would it? It wouldn't have been dysfunctional.

If they mean that people always stay in relationships within the cult and they don't end, ok .. but that's only because people stay in bad, dysfunctional relationships there as well as good ones. And the people, usually the women and children let's face it, are suffering within those dysfunctional relationships (like you did).

Original poster
Helpplease101 · 26/08/2020 09:34

Thank you for your kindness in your replies they have made me cry ♥️

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 26/08/2020 09:36

It sounds like you have gone through a fairly devastating set of life experiences and would benefit from some counselling to help you unravel everything that has happened. Is that a possibility?

This.

Having been in any kind of cult would seen to need counselling.

Having been in a violent relationship would need counselling.

MrsOldma · 26/08/2020 09:36

@Helpplease101 Do NOT take medication that you are not currently prescribed!!! Phone your GP and discuss it with them first.

Maybe I’m missing something but what has the break up really got to do with your kids? Did he say he didn’t want to live with you because of them?

fuandylp · 26/08/2020 09:38

Long story but I left a sort of cult please don't ask me for details about this 😔 but I have had to leave all of my friends behind. They all warned me dating someone outside of the this cult would result in this and it seems they are right

No they weren't right. You left a cult and began a relationship with this man which was the first relationship after a 16 year violent marriage.
Possibly what happened is that you got involved with this man without having time to discover yourself and to heal from all that had happened. Your self-esteem won't be great thanks to all you have been through.
What often happens when your self-esteem is low (and I have experienced this too) is you attract men that have problems or perhaps aren't that serious about a relationship. If your self-esteem is low you don't react to red flags or don't take them seriously enough and do something about them.
It was not ideal that you got involved with an alcoholic who is also struggling with depression while still needing to heal from your own issues.

It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you began a relationship with someone outside of the cult. Those are just threats and typical of the type of things cults say to their members.

I would suggest you spend time alone now with your children and work on yourself before even thinking about beginning a new relationship. Some therapy would also definitely be helpful in processing what has happened.

Original poster
Helpplease101 · 26/08/2020 09:38

He would be very kind but occasionally would change and be cold and distant. He has done a few things that were pretty harsh when he was in a depressed state. He cancelled a holiday once that I was really excited about one week before we were due to leave. That really hurt

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 26/08/2020 09:40

Ending a relationship by text and blocking someone is cowardly, it says very poor things about him.

He also required/took a lot of support from you during the relationship. He sounds quite needy and hard work tbh. Alcohol problems, depression, poor at dealing with stress, sounds like he's a bachelor type who hasn't done live in relationships or had kids, not a family man. That's a lot to deal with, especially when you have four children to parent and this traumatic background stuff to deal with.

Original poster
Helpplease101 · 26/08/2020 09:41

I couldn't understand why he gave the reason of children either? They are lovely kids and he hasn't met them yet. He was actually never asked or expected to play any kind of role in their life. They have a dad and they have me so I was confused about this too

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 26/08/2020 09:42

OP, you can’t change people, you can’t fix them either.

You tried to fix his alcoholism, you tried to fix his depression. He sucked all your energy.

My sister does this. It’s like a mission to feel good about yourself by helping others. It doesn’t work because it can’t.

You need to work on what you want and who you are.

singersarp · 26/08/2020 09:43

You need counselling OP, not a man. Your picker is broken because of what you experienced in the cult. You need to love yourself and find your own self worth outside of male approval. He sounds like a loser OP. He did you a favour.

Original poster
Helpplease101 · 26/08/2020 09:44

Gilbert yes you are right we are both 40 but he has never had a live in or long term relationship. He also has never had children. He is a bachelor type.

Fuandylp maybe you are right. I was so grateful that I was loved I worked through all the red flags. Self esteem is very low

OP posts:
MondeoFan · 26/08/2020 09:45

The fact that he text you to end things isn't on you it's on him.
It shows you the type of person that he is. A coward.

petrocellihouse · 26/08/2020 09:46

@helpplease101 From the tone of your posting, I suspect you are starting to spiral. Please make an appointment to see your GP as soon as you can, so you can get the mental health support you need. Don't take the old Prozac. Your doctor should be able to help you find strategies for coping, or if you need it, prescribe new medication for you. You are stronger than you think - you left a cult and have forged a new life. You can do this!

Herja · 26/08/2020 09:52

Is he still sober? I have known quite a few addicts (to different things). Their unifying feature was that anyone who helped them reach sobriety was dumped once they felt confident in their recovery; the person who had devoted themselves to helping them, became a reminder of their fuck ups. The ones who returned to their addictions - also dumped the devoted partner because of the reminder of their fuck ups...

I can see an argument for staying with and supporting someone who's addiction developed during the relationship (though I would caution against it), but getting in to a relationship with an addict, whether drink or drugs, seems to be a thankless task, which ultimately only goes well for the addict alone. Obviously this is not for every case, but it certainly is in the cases of the (numerous) addicts I have personally known...

How he has gone about this is cruel, unnecessary and I'm sorry it happened to you. Having been the devoted partner of a now deceased alcoholic, I genuinely think it sounds like a blessing in disguise though. It sounds, to me, like he has started drinking again as his depression has spiraled and is far from sober. Mine got worse and worse every time he tried to give up drinking: he started having rehab stints, would be fine a few months, then the drinking would be worse than ever (all related to his mental health, he was fine until that dropped, then the drinking would start again). He died within 24 months of the rehab stints starting, having always been a functional alcoholic before they began.

TLDR: addicts make awful partners, you're well out, even if it feels like complete shite now.

Hailtomyteeth · 26/08/2020 09:55

When you look back from a distance of years you will see the man you helped and loved had - or developed - an agenda of his own that didn't include you. That's not nice but better to know now than when you are more entwined. Now he's gone, cherish yourself with the same level of care you gave him. I think you'll heal faster than you imagine.

Herja · 26/08/2020 09:57

@Helpplease101

Thank you you are right i have complely let my worth be all about if I am loved by him. I don't really have people to talk to in real life. Long story but I left a sort of cult please don't ask me for details about this 😔 but I have had to leave all of my friends behind. They all warned me dating someone outside of the this cult would result in this and it seems they are right
This is not dating out of the cult. This is because being IN the cult has left you with a poor sense of self worth, and a feeling that one should validate yourself through others. You have gone from putting yourself last and supporting the Collective, to putting yourself last and supporting the Wanker.

That's how I ended up in my shit relationships too, though mine was linked to an appalling childhood, rather than a difficult adulthood (childhood also?). My self esteem is sky high now; it's a very different type of man who is attracted to me now - they tend to be an awful lot less of an arse than before... Grin.

Original poster
Helpplease101 · 26/08/2020 10:00

Really good advice thank you

OP posts:
Figgygal · 26/08/2020 10:01

You have spent two years with this man seemingly giving him every bit of flexibility to continue in his life As he sees it

I’m sorry but being engaged or married to a man who lives a separate life is not modern it really isn’t what’s giving you that idea? Is it something he suggested in an attempt to look progressive?

Forget about him focus on your children