I've just been dumped by text after 2 years because I have children

[Helpplease101]

He has never evenmet them BTW. I would see him at weekends when the children were with their father. We share childcare so I have plenty of child free time. We have been offered the liday together lots of times and to be honest this is no different to any relationship I had prior to children.

We hit the two year mark and talked of getting engaged. I told him I wouldn't push for us to live together because our lifestyle was different but we would have a modern approach of a committed relationship but with two homes. This was because he was so used to being by himself I figured it was better not to push him into family life. If he chose later he wanted that then we could adapt.

He was an alcoholic that I have supported and became sober too in support of him. He was depressed and I was always there for him. I helped him redecorate his home and make it lovely. I even built a fence with him 🙄

He had me as his joint WhatsApp pic and then after two weeks of saying his depression was worse he texted me saying the relationship is over. He then immediately blocked me.

He has depression and work was getting more stressful.

Im just shocked I loved this man.

My first relationship after a violent marriage for 16 years. I thought I had finally found my person. I have four lovely children and now I just feel worthless

It sounds like you have done your very best OP and what has happened with this man is about him not about you and your worth. Out there somewhere is a healthier relationship with someone who accepts the real you and your children but I agree with others - take time to restore your equilibrium and your self worth.

To me self worth is gained by self acceptance; understanding yourself as a flawed but worthwhile human who is no better and no worse than any other human being and your worth does not rise and fall according to others’ assessment of you or by your good or bad behaviour but remains constant, and you have worth by your very existence. You will not be a “better person” in a relationship, you will not be “less valuable” if your next relationship doesn’t work out. Throughout your experiences good and bad your worth will remain the same. Self esteem is a different concept, it is conditional self acceptance - why must you or any of us “esteem” ourselves? Will we only esteem ourselves when we are slim, rich, acceptable to a significant other? Making your view of yourself conditional on outside circumstances or others’ endorsement is a false goal and one that can make us vulnerable to control from others.

The thing about closed groups/cults is that their remit is to remove your self acceptance and sense of worth and replace it with a system of thinking where you measure yourself against the group’s system of values, as long as you toe the line you are valuable, safe etc etc. They fill you with fear to bind you to the group, “if you leave your relationships will always fail” for example. You may have left the group but the tentacles reach into your life beyond your time on the inside. If you seek counselling it might be worth trying to seek out a counsellor who has experience in working with coercive control (and of course the Freedom Programme very much about recognising other people’s behaviour, recognising it and separating it from your own sense of self worth). You might also find some of the books by Stephen Hassan useful. He is very American in style but he really understands what closed groups do to a person (having been in a cult himself in the 1970s) and how tricky it can be to regain a true sense of psychological independence.

Sorry, I’ve banged on in a not very articulate way but what I’m trying to say is that you clearly have great inner resources and bravery, your value is staring you in the face, now you have to recognise it for yourself.

That sounds so cruel and heartless OP, probably not a lot of comfort to you now but how caring can a guy really be if he would treat someone he spent 2 years of his life with in such a way?

I'm so sorry you're in pain, OP. However, your relationship sounds like it was incredibly unhealthy, and your behaviour is the epitome of codependency. Maybe some time out to work on yourself would be best?

You could reframe in your mind this terrible relationship with a man who doesn't deserve you. Think of it as a stepping stone out of your old life and on towards something better. He did you a favour by ending it so you could move on.
I have had a similar experience recently. I knew I didn't want him in my life as he was manipulative and controlling. So I started reading up on toxic people. I also started listening to a Build Your Self Esteem self hypnosis on my spotify primarily as a way to go to sleep everynight and stop thinking about the arse in my life. It has actually helped enormously.

Sounds so rough OP, I'm sorry this has happened.

I can't help but feel this is probably for the best though. Do you really need a recovering alcoholic coward who wants nothing to do with your children in your life?

Try and focus on positive things to get you through this spot. Get some exercise, take up a new hobby that helps you meet new people. Focus on yourself, your kids and the things that make you happy.

Good luck!

OP you have been through a lot and survived. You sound like you need to visit a counsellor to help you work through all the things that have happened to you.

You have been in 3 dysfunctional relationships if you count the cult, and need to make sure you won't go straight into another one.

I hope you do the Freedom programme. I have friends that have done it and they all highly recommend it to anyone who has been in an abusive relationship.

OP, please leave whatever cult this is, it's simply not worth it and there is support out there to help you to leave (Google)

@Helpplease101

Thank you you are right i have complely let my worth be all about if I am loved by him. I don't really have people to talk to in real life. Long story but I left a sort of cult please don't ask me for details about this 😔 but I have had to leave all of my friends behind. They all warned me dating someone outside of the this cult would result in this and it seems they are right

No they are not right!

You chose a partner who by the little you have described about him lots of other women would have never have chosen to enter into a relationship with because their solid base to their self worth would notice that there were serious issues there.

He doesn't seem to have been a partner who gave lots to you but did take everything you could give.

It really sounds to me like your past experiences have very much ground you down and battered your self esteem and worth to nothing. that is the areas you need to work on next before you even consider a new relationship
You don't realise this yet but you deserve better than this and your past, as a human there is a basic level of care and respect you should expect from a partner or even a friend and if they can't show that they don't deserve a place in your life

You’ve had so much brilliant advice and hopefully in time will realise that you had a lucky escape here. He doesn’t sound like a decent man or partner for you.

No lovely, being brainwashed by a cult is the reason why you’re seeking your validation externally and why you have fallen into a co-dependant trap.

I’m sorry - you deserve way more than this.

I am sorry he did this sounds like you've had a really tough set of experiences I echo what others have said about finding some help.

I do hope things start to improve for you

Did you post a few weeks ago about your partner asking for space? It sounds like he’s used you OP. I’m sorry but maybe just concentrate on your lovely kids. Good luck

@Helpplease101

I have looked at the freedom programme I will take another look. I guess I made him my everything as he was my only friend outside of the cult and he made me feel valued for the first time in years. So his cruel behaviour I accepted because he was my lifeline that I didn't want to let go of

I want to let you in on a very important secret. Healthy people think this is true for everyone so they don't think to share it and people who are damaged don't realise this is a thing so never think to ask. The rest of us have had to learn it the hard way like discovering a hidden spell of strength

Most healthy people make themselves their everything or at the very least they are the most important central core while leaving an important place outside their core for the people who are important like children then later healthy friendships and relationships. But only ones who show themselves to be worth sharing your life with. (Everyone who can't show that gets cut out because they don't show minimum)

no one ever should be more important to you than you!
You are your own lifeline or love you more than you love yourself because you are the person that no matter what is with you for your entire life!
The most important life skills in the world are learning to value yourself properly so you can then recognise the minimum treatment and respect you should expect from others.
Once you learn that you won't argue with yourself about dealing with less than that because you will know at a the most basic level it's less than you deserve and I'd rather be alone than this be my treatment! Anyone who doesn't show it doesn't get a space in your life.

As for children I'm obviously not saying you put yourself before your children in selfish ways but if you are not looking after yourself you can't look after them or teach them these skills to take with them into their adult life so the above is actually learning to be a stronger person and mother and raising stronger emotional adults*

Watch out in case he comes back.
I don't think the timing is accidental and if he's been resenting you spending time on holiday with your children, he might think he can 'compete' with them.
You have invested such a lot of your time and effort on him and he maybe preparing himself for engaging in a competition to be your sole focus.

It is alot of responsibility for someone else to take on someone else's kids, even if you don't expect them to take on an active role, they will be forced to when you eventually move in together, if you don't move in together then there is not really a relationship there that is going to go anywhere long tern, he has obviously had a think about the long term of the relationship and realised going into a ready made family is not for him, which is understandable, also there are usually alot of restrictions as to what you can and can not do as to dating someone who does not have kids, having to plan everything around the kids childcare arrangements is just hassle, much rather just have someone to go on random date nights with or random weekends away last minute, although dumping you by text is a bit harsh.

@Helpplease101

Herja how did you raise your self esteem?

I think you could start by thinking of all your achievements.

Escaped an abusive Marriage
Escaped a cult.
Raising 4 children on your own.

Even one of these things is incredibly difficult and you have managed all of them, you need to give yourself credit.

Have you thought of maybe joining a hobby group or crafts? You could make some new friends and you get a feeling of satisfaction by making something or completing a project. I realise with 4 kids this may not be possible as I am sure you are very busy.

Also definitely look up the freedom program and also you could read the book “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, just google it and you can download a pdf to read. It will give you insight to some behaviours and hopefully in future you will be able to spot them before they become a problem.

You could drive yourself mad wondering why your ex broke up with you. I think the kids excuse is just a convenient out. It is easier to blame something exterior to himself. I think you have had a lucky escape.

You have a lot to be proud of.

Thank you all

He has come back this morning getting me to say I still love him and then dumping me again

and (((hugs))) OP.
I've been there. It hurts like hell. But you will get through this. You will get stronger.

Yup, I knew this would happen.
I'm afraid as well as your real children, you also have a great big adult baby on your hands.
Unless you want this adult baby kicking off every time you give your real children a share of your attention, you need to run for the hills right now.
He's punishing you for caring for your kids - is that what you want?

@Helpplease101 were you a jw op!