I've just been dumped by text after 2 years because I have children

[Helpplease101]

He has never evenmet them BTW. I would see him at weekends when the children were with their father. We share childcare so I have plenty of child free time. We have been offered the liday together lots of times and to be honest this is no different to any relationship I had prior to children.

We hit the two year mark and talked of getting engaged. I told him I wouldn't push for us to live together because our lifestyle was different but we would have a modern approach of a committed relationship but with two homes. This was because he was so used to being by himself I figured it was better not to push him into family life. If he chose later he wanted that then we could adapt.

He was an alcoholic that I have supported and became sober too in support of him. He was depressed and I was always there for him. I helped him redecorate his home and make it lovely. I even built a fence with him 🙄

He had me as his joint WhatsApp pic and then after two weeks of saying his depression was worse he texted me saying the relationship is over. He then immediately blocked me.

He has depression and work was getting more stressful.

Im just shocked I loved this man.

My first relationship after a violent marriage for 16 years. I thought I had finally found my person. I have four lovely children and now I just feel worthless

Herja how did you raise your self esteem?

I thought I had finally found my person.

What do you mean finally - you were in a nearly two decade long relationship/marriage, and this was your first relationship after it. Give yourself a chance. You're not twenty failed relationships down the road .

I'm sure there were good points but there were also flags with his issues and behaviour but you invested in spite of them .... Which is very easy to do when you've been in an abusive relationship (and anything but equally abusive seems good), and also when you feel you have to make right the previous "failure".

But that failure wasn't your failure. It was your ex's. He was abusive, he acted wrongly, he acted immorally .. no doubt neither he nor sine members of your ex cult/church will ever choose to see that .. but it can be seen by everyone else.

An abusive, especially violently abusive man is a failure; as a person and a spouse.

Don't feel you have to succeed in your next relationship at all costs. Look very carefully at someone and see if they're worth your investment. This guy, from the sounds of it, was not.

I have a feeling he'll crawl.outbof the woodwork again some time in the future. I hope you've evaluated him fully by then, got some of the detachment that sleeping with someone etc doesn't allow you, and don't get reinvolved.

He doesn't sound like he can "do life" as an adult.

Have you considered doing the Women's Aid Freedom Program OP?

It's aimed at people who have been in abusive relationships, and helps you 'reset' with normal, loving relationships. You can do it online I believe, don't know about in person at the moment.

It sounds like you bounced from a long abusive relationship, to one with someone who has addiction issues and is cold and cruel (the holiday thing is awful. I'd have left him at that point). Take some time to love yourself before your next foray in to dating, and to understand your motivations, I promise you that relationships after this will be better if you do .

Figgyi guess I thought that's all I would deserve. I have four children I assumed no one would want me being really honest

Oh you poor thing you are worth more than him you really are

Gilbert wow you are spot on with everything

I have looked at the freedom programme I will take another look. I guess I made him my everything as he was my only friend outside of the cult and he made me feel valued for the first time in years. So his cruel behaviour I accepted because he was my lifeline that I didn't want to let go of

I think you are well rid of him tbh. He had a lot of problems, and doesn't appear to want to be part of your 'whole' life, just take what he needs from you and then keep you at arms length. He seemed to be sucking the life out of you and using you as a prop. Your obvious caring nature attracted someone in need to support, but I don't think he was really there for you.

Next time look for a more equal relationship. Your bar is set too low. I hope you have family and friends to support you. He really isn't worth your time and energy.

You were also very wise to keep him and your kids separate, given how he's turned out.

I don't think it was a bad plan at all to live separately .. until perhaps your kids are 18.

I'd suspect the engagement/officials commitment spooked him because he's a commitment phobe and that's the real.reason for him ending the relationship (though he sounds generally flaky and unable to deal with things normally anyway).

I don’t think it was a good idea to conduct a two-year relationship and talk about getting engaged when he hadn’t met your four children. That’s not realistic. Why had he not met them before? Even if you share childcare surely they are a major part of your life.

Did you think you could marry and live separately without involving your children?

It sounds like you are a rescuer in life. I’m a bit like this myself and have had to do a lot of work to establish my personal boundaries, to protect me and to protect my dd. Because we are rescuers, we give more of ourselves than we should and are terribly hurt when the love and care we are given is thrown back in our face.

As a rescuer, I have needed to learn that some people don’t want to be rescued and see our rescuing as a means to control them. They want to go on their own path, learn from their own personal experiences and find things out the hard way. Only in remembering this can we moderate our own need to fix things for others.

His dumping you was cowardly and unkind. It sounds as though he doesn’t treat himself well. Therefore expecting him to treat you well will likely be impossible for him.

Be kind to yourself and use all of the love and care you gave him to yourself and your children. I also think you had a lucky escape.

As others have said, this is nothing to do with getting out of the cult. This is because you need to find, cherish and value you before you’re ready to meet someone, who will be worthy of entrusting your heart to them.

If he’s an alcoholic still receiving treatment or recently completed treatment, he’ll have been advised not to get into a relationship with anyone for some time yet.

Let him go and focus on building up your self esteem.

"I have looked at the freedom programme I will take another look. I guess I made him my everything as he was my only friend outside of the cult and he made me feel valued for the first time in years. So his cruel behaviour I accepted because he was my lifeline that I didn't want to let go of"

Okay - so it sounds like he helped you escape the cult. It's a good thing you escaped so he served a positive function in your life as well as you doing a great deal for him. But he has so many red flags that it's a very good thing that he is also now behind you.

Please do the Freedom Programme. You've been terribly mistreated and hurt and it will take a while to recover but you have so much to look forward to now that you are back in the real world and these toxic relationships are behind you.

See what local groups you can join also in order to start making local, non-cult friends and building up a healthy support network. With four children there must be lots of opportunities to connect with local families.

You'll get there, OP. The worst is already behind you - it just doesn't feel like that yet.

@Helpplease101

Herja how did you raise your self esteem?

will PM you! It's long and will turn your thread in to a monologue from me...

OP you are the total opposite of a failure.

Leaving a cult is HARD.
Leaving an abusive man is hard.
Supporting a depressive alcoholic is hard.
Bringing up 4 children can be hard too!

You have already overcome difficulties which many of us have not had to face. You don't need to prove anything to anyone, especially to people whose sole aim is to keep you in the cult.

Your ex-boyfriends decision to end it is not a reflection of you at all. He has chosen to end it in a cowardly way - texting and blocking after 2 years - really???

I would have a look at the freedom programme and also see if you can access some counselling to gain a different perspective on yourself and talk through your feelings of low self worth. Talking out loud can really help shift things.

Figgyi guess I thought that's all I would deserve. I have four children I assumed no one would want me being really honest

For if all, you don't have to be with anyone.

You can build up your hobbies and hopefully social network during your child free time do you're not dependent on only a partner for company, social interaction etc.

It must have been very hard, scary and isolating leaving a cult; you've been very brave.

Sometimes it's useful to see the good in any situation, even a failed relationship; he was a support for you in leaving and staying left. You had some nice times. He wasn't violent etc like your ex, his issues seem to be more being unable to do adult life inc. commitment phobia rather than intentional control or cruelty, you know there are men out there who are or like your husband (even if this one has other issues that make a good, lasting relationship very unlikely).

Be glad for the good things while acknowledging that he's not really relationship material due to his issues.

Breakups are painful, esp when you didn't end it, but you will feel better and better. Try to do anything to distract yourself so you're not thinking about it on a loop. You'll think about it plenty anyway, you can process it in time.

How do you raise your self esteem?
Well you could start by congratulating yourself on breaking free from an abusive long term relationship and amazingly, also breaking free from a cult.
Not to mention raising 4 children and protecting them from this relationship.
You dont need to go rescuing any more folk now.
Spend some time rescuing yourself!
Develop your own interests and platonic friendships. Is there something you have always wanted to do and haven't had the chance?
What about returning to study? Learning to ride a horse? Yoga? Anything at all that is just for you.
Also set aside a few minutes every day to sit down somewhere quiet and have a think about how far you have come and how much you have achieved.
Most of all, dont ever believe that your future happiness relies on a man.

I should add, re. Why wouldn't anyone want you with four children; you're not even looking for them to be involved with them in the early years (rightly!).

But in any case plenty of women I know with kids have found new relationships.

I don't think that should be your focus now though. It should be getting counselling and trying to build up a hobby and social network for yourself.

It wasn't the right way to do it but I actually think he was right to end it if the children were an issue. I say this looking at one of my GC who is with me most of the time due to his horrendous relationship with his step father. He also has a step mother who resents his very existence. I wish those two people had thought about their ability to accept a step child before becoming part of his life.

You have straightened him out and now he is off. It's a common story when one person in the relationship is the saviour and the other is the helpless one.

I think you deserve a few months on your own, thinking hard about what you really want from a man. Raise your standards high. At very least look for a grown up who is emotionally mature and stable, who will meet you as an equal, not expect you to mother him.When I raised my standards I met DH and we've been together 27 years now.

If you left the PBCC, message me as you probably have lots of family ' outside' that you don't even know about.
It sounds to me like his mental health has noise dived again. I think you need someone looking term who is interested in you and your kids as a package as you cannot really have a good relationship with anyone who is not interested in what is most important to you.

You have a co-dependent personality type and need to be in therapy for that. You have low self esteem and confidence. You shouldn’t be in a relationship until you’ve had significant help for these issues. Only when you’ve dealt with that and worked out who you are and how to say no to people will you be able to have a healthy functioning relationship

He was actually never asked or expected to play any kind of role in their life

I'm completely confused as to how you can be in a relationship to the point of getting engaged, and believe that he will be able to not play any role in your children's lives.

Your children are part of YOU.

Massive red flag. You're well rid.

Hi op, many of these replies would justify feeling much anger towards this fool, who doesn't in any way deserve you. However, the thought occured to me that you might not be someone who benefits greatly from getting angry (I don't really: it can just eat away at me and fuel depression in itself if I'm unable to act on it): perhaps better to feel that he realised he was never going to be able to give you what you needed and has ensured you don't waste any more of your precious time on him? I feel that's a little more positive and focusing on the positive aspects of finally being free to work out what you really would prefer to have, will enable to you get it

It would never have worked OP. How could you consider getting engaged to an alcoholic who had never even met your kids?

There is nothing "modern" about that, it's just stupid.

Thank your lucky stars he has shown you who he is.