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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve been contacted by OW

54 replies

OntheWaves40 · 26/08/2020 00:12

DP initially denied until OW sent proof. It’s been a difficult week already with DD playing up and now this. I’m tired. I’m broken and DP just keeps saying he’s sorry and he loves me and won’t do it again. I so want to believe him and move on because I’m too tired to argue/confront/be assertive which of course DP is trying to sweep it under the carpet and blame pressures of lockdown etc.

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 26/08/2020 00:35

Hi @OntheWaves40 , just sending you my support. Flowers

What's he been upto? Has it only been since lockdown? Does that make any difference to you? xx

Happyspud · 26/08/2020 00:37

You don't have to decide or do anything now. Feel free to lead his lying, cheating ass on for a while till you gather your thoughts and strength and then kick him out. No rush. Take your time. And you owe him nothing.

NSA2103 · 26/08/2020 00:40

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Take some time to make the decision you feel comfortable with. My wife cheated on me, I stuck with her for the benefit of the children, hated her for the breach of trust, and then she cheated again. We're thankfully divorced now.

Don't accept any excuses. None are acceptable IMHO. Don't feel guilty or allow yourself to be blamed. They've done the cheating.

Only you can decide what the right and best decision is.

I wish you well.

Girlzroolz · 26/08/2020 00:43

You what’s really exhausting? Having him living with you while you digest this betrayal. I’d kick him out to give myself very necessary space, plus make him realise the seriousness of what he’s done. No man waking up in his normal marital bed gets that message.

I’d also be honest with my friends and family about what’s happened. I know some people regret doing that (if they end up ‘working things out’) but I think it offers undeserved protection to cheaters. Tell his mum, and let him deal squarely with the fallout.

So sorry to hear this has happened to you- your lack of energy to deal with it is understandable. Probably anger will kick in soon, that tends to give you the push to do more. Flowers

Original poster
OntheWaves40 · 26/08/2020 00:44

@SoulofanAggron yes during lockdown when we were apart. Mainly sexting.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 26/08/2020 00:49

OP take your time you do not owe him a decision right now.

"Mainly sexting." Has it turned into a physical relationship? Is there a distinction for you? Could he had passed an STD on to you? Please just look after yourself.

Whether you stay together or not, I think that "sweep it under the carpet" is not the right thing and he would need to understand how and why it happened and change. I am not sure whether I could move on or not but it's your decision and you need time. Thanks

Monday55 · 26/08/2020 00:58

He's obviously sorry he got caught otherwise he would have kept on lying to you if the OW hadn't sent proof. Chances are he will wait until things settle down and he will be back to his old ways again.

Enough4me · 26/08/2020 01:05

When I found out my exH was cheating everything ended in terms of my feelings for him. I knew if I tried to forgive him I would resent and not trust him. What would stop him again as he didn't have the conscience or respect for me before?

It is your choice, but be honest with yourself when deciding.

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 26/08/2020 01:17

While you were apart during lockdown? Does that mean you don't live with him? And is he DD's father? Sorry to interrogate you, but if it's a relationship of shorter-standing than a cohabiting one, is it worth the heartache if he can't be faithful the minute you're separated?

Sistery · 26/08/2020 01:41

I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this. He will admit to the minimum he can possibly get away with so be on your guard about trusting you have the full story. Tell a friend and be kind to yourself as you'll be in shock.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/08/2020 02:00

You don't have to decide anything right now. But you do deserve the time and space to make that decision without him posting you with his guilt.

Ask him to back off for a bit.

Also, what were her motivations for telling you? Does she want to split you up? Or did he lie to her too and she thinks you deserve to know?

Also talk to friends and family. You have nothing to be ashamed of and they will be able to support you.

Be kind to yourself.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/08/2020 02:00

Sorry that should have read 'without him pestering you with his guilt'.

Ryah76 · 26/08/2020 05:56

I’m sorry, I’ve been where you are. As others have said, take your time and give yourself space. In the coming hours, days, weeks, you will be hit with a barrage of emotions and it’s going to be exhausting. Why did the OW contact you? Is she hoping to force his hand by having you kick him out?

MrsBrunch · 26/08/2020 07:05

If you continue the relationship with him he will know that you will accept this behaviour and it will continue. Do yourself a favour and get rid of that stress in your life. You really don't need it.

Blueskytoday06 · 26/08/2020 08:01

My ex was on his knees saying he’ll never do it again. He did.

Move on, damage has been done. I’ve learnt from experience that you can’t have a relationship without trust. Good luck.

Fluffycloudland77 · 26/08/2020 08:07

Oh lord you poor woman. I’ll bet he wants to sweep it under the rug and move on.

stoploss · 26/08/2020 08:13

The way I look at this, during this time, is that the whole world was/is in chaos, scared of the unknown etc.

A real partner would want only to provide protection and support for their loved ones.

Pressure of a situation played no part here. Did he think 'oh, hang on, I'm feeling a bit under pressure here, let's have a shag, sext, whatever, then I'll be fine'?

No, he did it because he wanted to, he's still lying to you.

MoreListeningLessChatting · 26/08/2020 08:18
Flowers

Make a decision when you are ready to. Take space and thinking time.

What did OW tell you, is there more to find out? Tell him (when you are ready) to sit down and tell you what happened and why. Does his account match hers?

Do you want to live with him after this? Your decision, not his to make.

MoreListeningLessChatting · 26/08/2020 08:19

My brother's wife cheated. He took her back twice! The third time she cheated with a married man and broke up his marriage and my brother's. Thankfully he realised she wouldn't never change.

CodenameVillanelle · 26/08/2020 08:20

I'd tell him to move out while you consider. You'll never be able to make a proper decision with him there

WaltzingBetty · 26/08/2020 08:28

So if the OW had not got in touch, his plan was to lie to you and gaslight you? And now he just wants to sweep it under the rug and move on?
What a Prince.

Unless you're both willing to talk openly and address why this occurred in the first place and unless he's truest remorseful, then I think this is doomed. There's too much disrespect and a total lack of real partnership

hopsalong · 26/08/2020 08:37

Ugh, feel so sorry for you OP. Twat man.

Tbh, I'd take the opportunity of the OW getting in touch to ask her exactly what happened. It seems pretty unlikely to me that they started a sexting-only affair during lockdown. Do they work together? Is it not more likely that a 'proper' affair before lockdown turned into a sexting-only affair during lockdown. I doubt she would contact you if it was only messages, because she wouldn't be aggrieved enough. (No one actually WANTS to be publicly known as the other woman. Women only do this because they're incredibly angry about the way that THEY'VE been treated.) It may be possible that he didn't even tell her that he was married and she found out accidentally, and that's the reason she's so pissed off. (Because she didn't want to be the OW.)

Also very possible that the reason she's cross is that after a hiatus he doesn't want to go back to the affair that they were having before. I have a (single) friend who had been having a long running passionate / tragic relationship with a married man and lockdown was the break she needed to give it up. So he can't be allowed to sweep it under the carpet, but it is possible that he wasn't planning to do this any more.

Either way, I would ask him exactly what happened. Get him to write it in an apologetic email to you if he can't face saying it. And ask her the same thing (she obviously wants to tell you stuff) and see where you are.

Good luck. Ugh! Also, if I may, be careful not to sweep things under the carpet yourself because they're painful and you're tired and wish this wasn't happening... What you don't confront now will return in some shape or form at a later point in this marriage. People never in my experience cheat only once.

Original poster
OntheWaves40 · 26/08/2020 08:47

We don’t live together but we’re house hunting ☹️
Things were difficult in lockdown, he became distant and moody and called time on our relationship. I was gutted but go on with it as I have DC. I now know he ended it, slept with her, carried on for sexting for a little bit and then ended it with her and came to me and told me what a fool he’d been and pressures on keyworker and lockdown had caused the rift. These past couple of months he’s been more attentive than he’s ever been. OW contacted me because he ended it and she wasn’t happy and she wanted him back. She didn’t know about me until she looked him up on fb to try and get him back and there I am.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 26/08/2020 08:51

Oh I’d let her have him after all that. It would be madness to be lumbered with him after hearing that.

CodenameVillanelle · 26/08/2020 08:56

Are they his kids?
Definitely don't move in with him