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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’ve been contacted by OW

54 replies

OntheWaves40 · 26/08/2020 00:12

DP initially denied until OW sent proof. It’s been a difficult week already with DD playing up and now this. I’m tired. I’m broken and DP just keeps saying he’s sorry and he loves me and won’t do it again. I so want to believe him and move on because I’m too tired to argue/confront/be assertive which of course DP is trying to sweep it under the carpet and blame pressures of lockdown etc.

OP posts:

Greenkit · 26/08/2020 09:00

How did he met her?

He dumped you because he wanted to concentrate on her.

Then dumped her and back to you.

All this pressures of lockdown bollocks, it so he could have guilt free sex with her.

CircleofWillis · 26/08/2020 09:01

He wasn't actually unfaithful if the relationship had ended. However it probably still feels like a betrayal as he broke up with you, got together with her and then got back with you in such a short space of time. Do you have children together?

MadeForThis · 26/08/2020 09:01

Don't waste any more time.

Don't get in any deeper.

Walk away

LemonTT · 26/08/2020 09:03

@OntheWaves40

We don’t live together but we’re house hunting ☹️ Things were difficult in lockdown, he became distant and moody and called time on our relationship. I was gutted but go on with it as I have DC. I now know he ended it, slept with her, carried on for sexting for a little bit and then ended it with her and came to me and told me what a fool he’d been and pressures on keyworker and lockdown had caused the rift. These past couple of months he’s been more attentive than he’s ever been. OW contacted me because he ended it and she wasn’t happy and she wanted him back. She didn’t know about me until she looked him up on fb to try and get him back and there I am.

She doesn’t sound like an OW to me. From this version of events she sounds like a victim of your feckless boyfriend. He’s messed both of you about and lied to both of you.

This woman is doing you a favour by telling you who he is, a liar and a cheat.

It’s fairly obvious he got distant because he wanted to be free to try things with on with her or any other woman. Which he did, when that didn’t work out he fell back on you. He will find another victim soon.

crystalize · 26/08/2020 09:19

Don't buy a house with him!

Illdealwithitinaminute · 26/08/2020 09:57

If you have children, why would you take them into an inherently unstable situation where your new partner is likely to bugger off with someone else at any time point- please don't move in together, and don't move them in with him, he's not the right type of person and won't provide the type of stability they need, let alone be the type of great partner that you deserve.

AnyFucker · 26/08/2020 09:59

He is no prize, that is for sure

You can do better than this.

Sexnotgender · 26/08/2020 10:02

She’s done you a favour by sending you proof. He’d have continued to lie to you if she hadn’t. Do you want to be with someone who would do that?

Scrumptiousbears · 26/08/2020 10:07

Men are such a let down. ☹️

User856334967 · 26/08/2020 10:08

She's not the OW, and he didn't cheat on you. He DID leave you as soon as he perceived a better offer came along, or as soon as things got a little difficult and then lied about it. You need to decide if that's your value or you're worth more than that. I hope you realise you're worth a lot more than that.

tornadoalley · 26/08/2020 10:27

You need to decide on whether you can stay with someone who lies to you, cheats, and minimises your hurt and feelings. Whether you can live with the uncertainty and suspicion this behaviour throws up. Whether the knowledge he has gained that he can cheat and get away with it, so might chance his arm again, is sustainable. I know what I would choose.

RedWine123 · 26/08/2020 10:40

Please do not buy a house with him! He sounds like a shit. Let them have each other and move on to a better life without the BS.

changemynameforthis123 · 26/08/2020 10:52

Do you really want to move you and more importantly your children in with someone who you have a rocky relationship with? It doesn't sound stable enough to withstand the pressures of that blended set up and the upheaval for the kids sounds unfair. If you don't want to split then why not put the brakes on? Why the rush? House hunting can wait until much further down the line, if you do stay together. But it sounds like a split night be best.

81Byerley · 26/08/2020 11:02

Definitely stop the house hunting! He needs to spend some time alone.

Dullardmullard · 26/08/2020 12:08

He’d be dumped and no house buying with him either

Regardless if she’s the OW or not it’s still a betrayal for you.

Take your time on what you want not what he wants

TidyDancer · 26/08/2020 12:41

Oh OP, this is not a relationship with a future is it? He didn't cheat on you and this woman who contacted you is not the OW, but that doesn't make him a prize. I would cut your losses and get rid. Sorry you're going through this.

category12 · 26/08/2020 12:56

I'd really really recommend you end it here. It's really painful and you want it to go away, and everything to go back to normal, but you'll never be able to trust him fully again.

And it's a horrible way to live. You don't live together now, and you have found this out before you made that commitment - that's a gift, your lucky star is shining. I know it really doesn't feel that way, and you feel like utter shit and cut to ribbons. But staying with him won't fix that. He's shown you who he is. Don't close your eyes to it because of the short-term pain.

Penguinnn · 26/08/2020 13:03

Yeah he didn’t cheat OP and she’s not the OW. It doesn’t cover him in glory though what he did. If he hasn’t been unfaithful since you got back together you can forgive him and move on despite what the masses on here say.

Sisterlove · 26/08/2020 13:28

He broke things off to dabble with the OW ...this is not who I'd want a future with.

Not to mention his denials iuntil you had evidence.

If he felt he was a free agent. ..why deny it?

SoulofanAggron · 26/08/2020 13:56

I knew a bloke that did that - split with his GF so he could see me for a bit, then got back with her. It's not technically being unfaithful, but it's still not nice. It's like when Ross in Friends when he says 'we were on a break' to excuse his actions.

I bet the woman he shagged is annoyed. She didn't do anything wrong as he was technically single and she had no reason to know he was going to get back with you.

He seems unreliable- there's nothing stopping him doing this again.

Original poster

OntheWaves40 · 31/08/2020 19:02

These things always come out in the wash. His version was false. He’s been seeing her throughout. Then dumped her to focus on us and now it’s come to bite him.

OP posts:

carly2803 · 31/08/2020 20:18

i am sorry OP, what a knob he is.

You don't live together but house hunting? don't.
kick him to the kerb, you can do MUCH better

he is only sorry because he got caught. next time he will be more careful, and he will do it again!

NextOnesaGreyGoose · 31/08/2020 20:26

Seeing her throughout? I'm so sorry, that sounds awful. Did he just split with her recently and that's why she contacted you? It sounds very difficult.

Minimumstandard · 31/08/2020 20:41

Sounds like you had a lucky escape if you were house-hunting with him. Just block his number and forget.

InFiveMins · 31/08/2020 20:41

Get rid. if he liked you he wouldn't be seeing her. harsh but true and you know it.

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