Partner Secretly Opening My Post -- Is This OK?

[user1476293103]

I just discovered my partner of 11 years sealing up a parcel addressed to me from the postman. For a while now, I've noticed bank statements disappearing and extra 'tape' on parcels from the post office where it looked like someone had looked inside first then resealed. My partner is a super control freak - controls the heating temperature from his phone, even when he's staying at his parents, and also controls when we can /cannot see the Internet, also from his phone. Checks what we watch on Netflix too, from his phone etc. If I say anything, he stonewalls or deflects, but this feels like the last straw. I feel absolutely horrible and wonder how long he's been spying on me like this. He says he's sorry, but I don't believe him and think he'll do it again. What should I do?

LTB

Leave him. He is a controlling bastard!

Leave.

It's totally unacceptable. You will never be able to trust him so why stay. He sounds like a disgusting individual

Of course he'll do it again. You do realise that his controlling all those things from his phone is not normal, don't you? It's not 'quirky' it's utterly unacceptable. Why do you put up with it? Does he have some hold over you?

Leave him.

None of this is normal or OK.

That's a criminal offence, even within a marriage - at least where I am.

And yes, you should leave him. It's totally unacceptable behaviour - all of it.

Nothing in your OP is okay. Do you have any real life support? Do you have children?

LEAVE.

He sounds unhinged. None of what he does is normal or healthy.

Make sure you use incognito browsing etc if he spies on you like this, otherwise you may find he's reading along.

Speak to Women's Aid.

It’s not on. None of it. He is really controlling, and he will not like being challenged on it. I would tread carefully, and have a careful considered look at how you want your future to unfold. He is very unlikely to change.

You beat me to it category12

Have your devices checked for keyloggers/spyware etc;

He may have installed cameras in your home, a tracker on your car, anything.

That's a criminal offence, even within a marriage - at least where I am.
This.

You may want to consider reporting this to the police (sadly, strong evidence of opened mail may be hard to provide. Maybe ask the police for advice)

It's illegal to open someone's mail OP. I agree with pp to check for hidden cameras, keyloggers and to reset your phone to factory settings. Is your phone or computer kind of laggy? It's a sign of spyware.

The people who say it is a criminal offence are completely right. You are not allowed to tamper or inspect another adult’s mail.

Your partner knows this. He’s doing it anyway. Doesn’t make him sound worthy of trust. You also know it’s been happening for a while.

Just because you are in a relationship does not mean you don’t have rights to privacy, and this is a crime. I would start wondering if this behaviour extends to spending, your internet and your friends.... control freaks don’t just control one thing

Send yourself a letter...
Dh stop being a nosey twat..
And make plans to get rid of him.

LTB. Seriously.

That is not healthy and you shouldn’t have to live like that.

I’d be seriously concerned in your shoes.

Do you rent, or own together?

Oh god, you can't live with that. He's insane.

When you say ‘we’ who do you mean? You and him or you and children ?

He's probably reading your messages and emails too. And your Mumsnet posts.

I like the idea of writing a letter to yourself saying 'stop being a nosy twat'

I would definitely sit him down and tell him clearly he must stop or your relationship is over.

Things like controlling the heating and your internet or television access could mean you are being subject to coercive and controlling behaviour. Monitoring you is a form of that, and in monitoring your television use, he is monitoring where you are by proxy.

I would leave your phone in a drawer, call a friend from a landline and arrange a meet. You need perspective from someone else and to decide what to do without that feeling of being monitored.

I'd say unless there's some back story (you got into debt on a joint account or similar), then he sounds like a control freak. Does he change the heating settings while you're all out of the house (warming it up for you all getting back or whatever, or while he's out but you're in..? Any other controlling behaviour?

OP. I have known my dh 40+ years and have been married for just under 40 years. I can honestly say that in all that time neither of us has ever opened a letter addressed to the other one. In fact, when we first went online, we had a shared e-mail address which we still use for family related things, but again, things that are clearly personal (bank stuff etc) , remain unopened until the addressee opens them. Your oh is NOT entitled to open your mail, parcels , whatever. If it is addressed to you it is yours. Not his. Something like this would definitely affect my ability to trust him and without trust, there is no relationship.

Also, how does he restrict your internet use? Does he block websites and stuff, change passwords? Again unless there's some back story, he's a crazy control freak. Actually even if you were a shopping addict or something, he still shouldn't be controlling (he should just end the relationship).

The perverse part of me would consider doing google searches like "how deep should a grave be", "how long do you wait before reporting someone as missing" and ordering things like duct tape, rope etc, just to freak him out.

It's not illegal to open someone's mail in the UK, providing it's not to their detriment, eg fraud. The key issue is proving you're doing it to that person's detriment.

I've opened mail before, for legitimate reasons, and either returned the mail to sender, or passed it on to the appropriate place.