Partner Secretly Opening My Post -- Is This OK?

[user1476293103]

I just discovered my partner of 11 years sealing up a parcel addressed to me from the postman. For a while now, I've noticed bank statements disappearing and extra 'tape' on parcels from the post office where it looked like someone had looked inside first then resealed. My partner is a super control freak - controls the heating temperature from his phone, even when he's staying at his parents, and also controls when we can /cannot see the Internet, also from his phone. Checks what we watch on Netflix too, from his phone etc. If I say anything, he stonewalls or deflects, but this feels like the last straw. I feel absolutely horrible and wonder how long he's been spying on me like this. He says he's sorry, but I don't believe him and think he'll do it again. What should I do?

It’s not acceptable. None of what you described is acceptable.

Wow, I’m sorry OP but I wouldn’t stand for any of that! That is so god damn controlling! Even if he’s not at the house with you he still controls the heating from his phone? He sounds creepy! Also opening your mail is just a complete breach of privacy and it’s crossing that line so much. Take that stupid phone off him and tell him to grow up as you’re a grown woman who can use her internet as she pleases and for whatever reason. LTB

Thanks for your advice: it's really helpful seeing this from a different perspective. He's always telling me I'm "unique" (aka weird) and he's "normal". I'm a responsible adult: work really hard, rarely spend money other than on groceries and on the children, do 90% of the housework, washing, cooking, etc etc. He controls everything pretty much finance-wise, and I know next-to-nothing about his affairs. And yes, I often wonder if he has spyware in the house. How do I check? Is there a way to catch him out other than suggesting I'm going to murder him? Somehow he always manages to make me feel like an irresponsible 5-year-old and it's me that's unreasonable, and I end up doubting myself. I guess I should leave but I owe Inland Revenue tax money, and I'm worried how I'd support myself and the children. And yes, I even wonder if he's reading this mumsnet message. It makes me feel kinda paranoid and on edge all the time.

You're unique and he's normal!? Honestly, you need to get rid. There probably is spyware in the house but technology these days they can be hard to find. I would send yourself a letter outlining that the relationship is now over and to pack his stuff. He is using every form of abuse, emotional, financial, coercive etc.

Do not stay for financial reasons, ever. You will be OK in the long term but the alternative is detrimental to you and the children.

Secretly Opening post - so wrong! There’s no excuse for this.

I admit, I open my dh’s post, but he’s fully aware and I don’t hide anything from him.

Find out the total finances.

Why do you do 90% of the housework?

He is crazy!

You definitely need to leave him
Do you have family or friends you could stay with?

How horrible for you. My STBX was also very controlling, to the point where I told any friends not to ever put anything personal in an email or text to me because I wasn't sure if he could somehow read it.

He also put a tracker in my car. I found this myself. They usually need a power source so are connected by wires to the battery (bonnet/boot) and look like a small black box with a sim inside.

Hopefully someone computer savvy can advise you how to check for spyware on your phone or laptop.

Be careful x

"He's always telling me I'm "unique" (aka weird) and he's "normal"."

Hi OP - nope: it is totally the other way round. It may be that your partner grew up in a relationship where his father used coercive control over his mother and other family members and therefore he believes it to be normal. But it is totally abnormal and deeply sinister. As is the gaslighting and generally causing you to doubt yourself when you are clearly a fully functioning adult.

Also this:

"Do not stay for financial reasons, ever. You will be OK in the long term but the alternative is detrimental to you and the children."

What you are describing is a very unhealthy relationship (abusive, in fact) which is deeply damaging to you and a poor model for your DCs.

It sounds like you are right to be paranoid. In the circs, I would suggest getting this thread deleted and re-starting without any details of his activity in it at all because he will be able to recognise himself in what you've written so far. You can explain you've done that. That way you will be able to continue to post for support here as you work out how to extricate yourself from this relationship.

I would assume he knows your MN user name and monitors your usage

This is NOT normal or acceptable behavior. Have a very frank conversation with him about him needing professional help. If he won’t get help you need to decide if you can continue to live like this.

"Is there a way to catch him out other than suggesting I'm going to murder him?"

You've already caught him though. You know he's being controlling, to the point he even opens your post. This isn't the odd snoop on your social media.

"It makes me feel kinda paranoid and on edge all the time".

You don't have to live this way, or feel like that. What does he bring to the relationship? From what you've described, it doesn't sound like the good outweighs the bad any more. He sounds like an arsehole and hard work.

He knows its wrong. Thats why he does it in secret. You can have your mail redirected to a friend or maybe even work and the parcels can be delivered somewhere else too or you can collect them from a named place. Do you have your own bank account and cards. Whats the situation with the house. Do you both own it jointly. You might be better off on your own without him. How old are the children. I would keep another phone at work. Why does he want to control everything. With the heating and hit water is it controlled by Hive.

@user1476293103

I just discovered my partner of 11 years sealing up a parcel addressed to me from the postman. For a while now, I've noticed bank statements disappearing and extra 'tape' on parcels from the post office where it looked like someone had looked inside first then resealed. My partner is a super control freak - controls the heating temperature from his phone, even when he's staying at his parents, and also controls when we can /cannot see the Internet, also from his phone. Checks what we watch on Netflix too, from his phone etc. If I say anything, he stonewalls or deflects, but this feels like the last straw. I feel absolutely horrible and wonder how long he's been spying on me like this. He says he's sorry, but I don't believe him and think he'll do it again. What should I do?

Easy answer to this one OP. MY bloke would not dream of opening my post or controlling what I do in the house - money conscious or not - because he respects me.

Sometimes he will be expecting a letter, and if I'm home and it arrives, I text or call him and let him know it's here. He will ask me to open it. I would not and never have opened his mail or checked out what he does because it crosses a line you can't come back from.

Isn't there a way to change the settings here, so you don't get any e-mails? If you start suddenly changing usernames, e-mail addresses, passwords and mass deleting things like your search history etc, he might notice. I think you should do just that, on a seperate wifi connection where possible, and get more info on checking for spyware. If he says anything, you can either have an excuse ready, or confront him.

If you're afraid to confront him, that's not a good sign either. If he gets violent, ring 999 straight away. It sounds like you've put up with this for a long time, and it may come as an unpleasant shock to him, if he realises he won't be able to control you in future.

Send yourself an envelope with private written on the front. Seal it with sellotape and fill it with glitter or mini stars or something that he cant easily wash off.

This is not on it’s illegal for a start, we open our own post dh only opens mail addressed to both of us, usually the council, it’s their way mr and Mrs then name, .

Order a vibrator.

@Caselgarcia

Order a vibrator.

Now that is funny :)

Do the mumsnet classic. Send off for forms for emigrating to Australia.

OP, none of what you have posted is normal behaviour, I promise. You are normal he is not. Please contact woman’s aid or any of the other suggestions for your safety to get out safely.

OP, don’t do any of the posters suggestions joking about emigration forms and vibrators. They haven’t read and understood the level of control going on, and that is stupid advice.

OP, you don't need to catch him out. He's already behaving in ways that are unacceptable and wrong - coercive control is domestic abuse, you are in a domestic abuse situation.

Whatever your financial troubles, they can be sorted out. As a lone parent, you would be entitled to universal credit etc. Women's Aid can support you to make an exit plan to leave safely.

You know it's not ok OP- the whole way his acting is not OK.

Please LTB. You will be fine. I bet you'll feel a lot more relaxed.