Am I being ridiculous about this?

[Moooon]

I met Dp a few years ago. I was online dating and wanted to find someone who did not want more dcs and didn't have young dcs. I specifically stated that in my profile. I am not anti kids in any way - I have my own - but my youngest ds has SN and looking after him took a lot out of me. I also didn't think it was fair to him (ds) to have to integrate with another family. He was late teens when I started dating (and has turned 18 now).

I met Dp and he seemed a perfect fit. Had dcs at university. We took it very slowly for the first year but I totally fell in love with him. We started talking about moving in together and then he said he had to own up to something. His dc weren't the only dc he had. He had had another long term relationship and had 2 primary school aged dc.

I was genuinely shocked and upset about it. But we talked about it and he convinced me that it wouldn't be such a big adjustment etc etc. We would only see his dc when ds wasn't with me etc

But 2 years on I am really struggling. I have no free weekends because I have my ds permanently then we have his dc when ds stays with his dad (my other dc are older). His dc wake up in the night (one has night terrors and the other struggles with bed wetting) and even though Dp wakes up sometimes, it still wakes me up and of course I help out. I get on v well with his kids but I just find it exhausting. And being with them reminds me of how much ds's SN affects him and it makes me sad. I work full time so I really have no time to myself now and it's too much.

Ds goes off to university next month and dp keeps saying how we can have a 10 yr plan for what we will do with our lives when his youngest turns 18. But I had a plan - for when mine did and that's gone now.

I'm usually someone with perspective but I'm finding it hard because I'm also going through the menopause so my hormones are all over the place and it's really unlike me. I just feel like I've let myself be walked all over and now all my needs are coming last! Wwyd in my shoes - I just feel I can't even find the headspace to think!

You're not being ridiculous at all OP.

First of all, it is absolutely shocking that he lied to you for a whole year about not having young DC. That is terrible and I'm not sure I'd be able to get past that.

Secondly, you specified no kids in your dating profile for a reason and this was exactly the reason! You foresaw this situation and did your best to avoid it but have ended up in it anyway. No wonder you're feeling frustrated.

Thanks - I totally blame myself as I should have broken up with him at that point and I didn't. By that stage, we were really close.

Loads of men I dated before I met him lied too (either about their dc, their age, being married etc.). It is frustrating. But I did think I might be able to manage it but the truth is I can't and I just don't know how I will manage it going forward. And I feel incredibly guilty as a mother for feeling this way.

Do you live together at the moment? Could you live separately but still date and just not see him on the weekends he has his children?

Or, as he lied to you for a year and has forced a lifestyle on you that you specifically didn’t want, just split up.

Well that's the other complication. We do live together now. He lost his job last year, couldn't afford the rent on his place so he's moved in with me. He can't afford to move out.

I just think, if he could lie for a year like that, what else could he be capable of? It's no small thing.

And yes, people do sometimes lie in dating - but not for a year! Apart from married guys, and they're not exactly the template for trustworthy life partner, now, are they? The bar is pretty bloody low there.

Basically he got you hooked and now you're in a situation you never wanted because of it.

Bin him off. It's not working.

What do you get out of the relationship?

He lied to you and you’re unhappy.

I’d end it (and it’s not your problem he can’t afford to rent anywhere)

Of course he can move out, he's a full grown adult man, he can sort himself accommodation like any normal person. He may not like it, and it may not be the Ritz but them's the breaks.

Are you telling us he's still jobless and living off you?

@Moooon

Well that's the other complication. We do live together now. He lost his job last year, couldn't afford the rent on his place so he's moved in with me. He can't afford to move out.

So he lied to you, has forced you to live with his kids and you’re financing all this in your home?

If you don’t want to live with him any more you don’t have to. His lack of job is his problem, not yours.

For the short term pain of getting rid of him, imagine the long term gain of your freedom to pursue the life you want (even if that is just sitting in your house every other weekend in peace).

If he hadn’t met you he would have still lost his job and he would have sorted out a place to live - you are not his only option, you are just the easiest.

He's hoodwinked you, trashed your long term plans to suit himself and got his feet cozy under YOUR table. Fuck that.

He lied to you, end of.
Walk away.

And he is not your problem, he is an adult who can look after himself.

Thanks - I think I just needed to hear it. He has started his own business now so he's not living off me as such but it's only just off its feet.

I'm just completely exhausted and need to do something even if it's just getting to be on my own for a week so I can think.

So he 'sometimes' gets up to sort his own children out in the night and lives with you because he can't afford to live alone so presumably doesn't pay his way for himself or his kids??!! Not unreasonable in the least

@AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit

He's hoodwinked you, trashed your long term plans to suit himself and got his feet cozy under YOUR table. Fuck that.

Exactly this. He has to go.

Woah. That's a massive lie for a very long time. I don't think I would ever trust him.

I have kids and make it clear early on that I have them and that I would never live with a man whilst my kids are still at home. Some guys I chatted to with older kids or no kids didn't want to continue chatting because they were at different life stages and I get that. I wouldn't date anyone with very young children either.

And now he's also living with you? At the very least, her him to move out and have his kids when you have yours and see each other on your free weekends. So you each get time to spend with your kids as well as getting a break and time as a couple.

Otherwise leave him. This isn't what you signed up for.

Walk away now. The lying about something so significant is totally unacceptable. It sounds as though he withheld this information for a whole year!? If in that timeframe you had in depth conversations about your relationship and where it was going that is the latest point he should have told you (but most decent grown up people would mention any DC they have at the outset.)

Oh god! A stealthy cock lodger! Get rid op!

Lying about something that major for a year is a big ol' red flag about his character.

He also sounds like a bit of a sponger.

Now you know why two women who had kids with him are no longer with him.

That's un-pc to say on here, but seriously how many women do we know who sit with good men at all but especially if they have children with them?
Let alone twice in a row.

And if he left (unless she was s cheater or proven abusive) that says something too.

*split with

He needs to go. You need your life back.

He waited until he hooked you in to spring these extra DC on you - and now they've all become your problem to deal with.

Deal with it properly now by getting him out of your home.

As to the general lying on old .. what can you do but keep trying to find the one in ten or whatever who don't lie, it may not be easy but you only need one.

If he hadn’t met you he would have still lost his job and he would have sorted out a place to live - you are not his only option, you are just the easiest.

Exactly.

What would he have done if he hadn't been seeing you? He can do that. He's an adult and he's responsible for himself.

I wouldve ended it when I found about his children. Not just because of the lie, although that's a huge thing, but because they were your wants and you were very clear about them. He knew that, along with your reasons why you felt that way and decided that your wants and your needs weren't important enough to respect. He pretended to be something he wasnt for a whole year, ensuring you were emotionally involved before telling you the truth. I wouldve completely lost all respect for someone that could be that manipulative right there and then, its as though he tricked you, using your emotions as a sure bet he would get what he wanted at the expense of what you wanted. My bet is he is relying on your kindness to allow him to continue to facilitate his current lifestyle. Setting up a business is alot easier when you have free childcare assistance and no financial responsibility. He knows, as hard as you find the situation he has imposed on you, you will struggle to end it because your clearly a kind decent person who will consider the impact to HIS children, children he lied to you about for that very reason.
OP are you comfortable being with a man who hid his own children's existence for a year to get what he wanted. I could never forgive a lie like that, if he is that good at deceiption I would never be able to trust him again.

If he hid them for a year, what kind of father does that?
A crap one. Poor kids.