Am I being ridiculous about this?

[Moooon]

I met Dp a few years ago. I was online dating and wanted to find someone who did not want more dcs and didn't have young dcs. I specifically stated that in my profile. I am not anti kids in any way - I have my own - but my youngest ds has SN and looking after him took a lot out of me. I also didn't think it was fair to him (ds) to have to integrate with another family. He was late teens when I started dating (and has turned 18 now).

I met Dp and he seemed a perfect fit. Had dcs at university. We took it very slowly for the first year but I totally fell in love with him. We started talking about moving in together and then he said he had to own up to something. His dc weren't the only dc he had. He had had another long term relationship and had 2 primary school aged dc.

I was genuinely shocked and upset about it. But we talked about it and he convinced me that it wouldn't be such a big adjustment etc etc. We would only see his dc when ds wasn't with me etc

But 2 years on I am really struggling. I have no free weekends because I have my ds permanently then we have his dc when ds stays with his dad (my other dc are older). His dc wake up in the night (one has night terrors and the other struggles with bed wetting) and even though Dp wakes up sometimes, it still wakes me up and of course I help out. I get on v well with his kids but I just find it exhausting. And being with them reminds me of how much ds's SN affects him and it makes me sad. I work full time so I really have no time to myself now and it's too much.

Ds goes off to university next month and dp keeps saying how we can have a 10 yr plan for what we will do with our lives when his youngest turns 18. But I had a plan - for when mine did and that's gone now.

I'm usually someone with perspective but I'm finding it hard because I'm also going through the menopause so my hormones are all over the place and it's really unlike me. I just feel like I've let myself be walked all over and now all my needs are coming last! Wwyd in my shoes - I just feel I can't even find the headspace to think!

Thanks - yes it's the putting my needs/wants last that is getting to me. It's why I'm so exhausted I think. I'm going to try and get away on my own next weekend when we have his kids - I need some space to sort out how I'm going to do this. Tbh I might just get ds settled and off first so this doesn't impact him and it gives me a few weeks to sort it all out.

It's useful to hear people's take on this so thank you, I've stopped being able to see the wood for the trees!

It's no small matter lying for a year about such a big issue particularly when when you had specifically said you didn't want small children.

It sounds like we're at similar life stages (youngest dc 21) and I definitely couldn't go back to the young child stage-it's exhausting!

Your needs at this stage shouldn't be last and it's totally understandable you feel the way you do.

You could ask dp to move out but still see each other (assuming he agrees to this!) but he'll still need to be around for his dc's for the foreseeable so no last minute weekends away, meals out etc so your freedom will still be curtailed

You need to put yourself higher up the list and it's not your responsibility to sort his living arrangements and finances. At the end of the day, his lie has come home to roost.

Good luck with what you decide to do

I think he needs to move out, give you some time alone to consider what you really want. I’m appalled he lied to you. If his dc wake up in the night, he should be dealing with them.

Tell him if his business is doing ok he can afford to move out. Even if he can't afford anything it's not your problem.

For now I would say, his kids, he sorts them out. All of it.

Then look at your options, him getting his own flat is the best option and then just drift away.

I couldn't forgive his lies

@Moooon

Well that's the other complication. We do live together now. He lost his job last year, couldn't afford the rent on his place so he's moved in with me. He can't afford to move out.

Oh, c'mon! He saw you coming. He lied to you, majorly. You should have dumped when he lied to you, he put his own needs before what was a dealbreaker for you. Then he found a convenient co-parent with the added benefit of a nice house to live in. FFS! He's a cocklodger and a liar.

STOP being such a mug. He can't afford to move out? That's his problem. You've done your part with your own kids.

Cannot believe you didn't dump after he lied to you so. What a cunt.

'This isn't working for me. You need to move out by the end of the month.' 'But I have nowhere to go.' 'Not my problem. YOu lied to me, you use me, we're through.'

I wouldve ended it when I found about his children. Not just because of the lie, although that's a huge thing, but because they were your wants and you were very clear about them. He knew that, along with your reasons why you felt that way and decided that your wants and your needs weren't important enough to respect.

This. The lying is bad enough, but this goes beyond that to manipulation. He's not a nice man OP, I'm sorry.

Glad to see you are going to sort it OP. And you are not being a bad mother...you are being a good mother, children with special needs do not benefit from a mum who is exhausted from ft work PLUS being constantly woken by another person's kids. This is why you specified a child free man. You were prioritising your son.

A) Lied about having two young kids when he knew that was a dealbreaker for you - never mind, he's more important.

B) The ol' lost his job has to move in with you.

C) He 'sometimes' wakes up with his own kids?

D) The start my own business lark with you footing the bills.

He's a dime a dozen garden variety cocklodger. There's nothing special about this guy, he's a lousy adult and a crap father and a massive liar who uses you. You're considering leaving your own home (with him in it) to get some space. Listen to yourself here. You've raised your kids, including your son with SN, on your own and you don't think you deserve complete and total freedom? Your self-esteem is the biggest problem here because your immediate reaction to his having lied to you about having two extra children should have been to dump him, not to move his jobless arse into your home and wake up in the night with the kids he lied to you about because he can't be arsed.

Men like this always find someone else to sponge off. He's been doing this all his life, look, he's had 2 sets of kids with 2 different women.

Get rid of him.

What a lying sneaky manipulative twat!!!

So let's get this straight, he's managed to wangle himself, BY LYING THROUGH HIS TEETH FOR A YEAR, a girlfriend who is now providing him with a free place to live so he can get his (HIS!!) business off the ground for free, while drafting in another adult who of course is too kind to say 'your child, your problem' and will step into the extra parent role when he has his kids.

You bet your were 'too close' by the time he told you to have it in your to dump the little sponger. He would have made damn sure of that, I bet he was Mr Dream Boyfriend!!

He wakes sometimes when his two kids are under your roof bedwetting and screaming when you have your own SN son to care for ? SOMETIMES?!!!!!!

Get him out.

You have been absolutely railroaded and yes, deliberately.

No one is more the perfect boyfriend than the bloke saddled with part-time parenting two primary aged DC casting around for a willing woman to wake up in the night so he doesn't have to.

Ask yourself, are you happy?

No, you're fucking exhausted with a life plan you had disappearing into the sunset because now your role is to facilitate his.

Is your name on as owning 50% of this business? Because it damn well should be, by the sound of it!

You have been used and are continuing to be used. Get rid of him.

He can't afford to move out? Um, how is that your problem exactly??

Omg he needs to move OUT. Poor you being lied to and taken advantage of.
Life will get so much better once you're free of this drain on you.

Forget about what you wanted just for a minute but ask yourself What kind of man lies about his children's existence? That would be it for me.

“He's a dime a dozen garden variety cocklodger. There's nothing special about this guy, he's a lousy adult and a crap father and a massive liar who uses you. You're considering leaving your own home (with him in it) to get some space. Listen to yourself here. You've raised your kids, including your son with SN, on your own and you don't think you deserve complete and total freedom? Your self-esteem is the biggest problem here because your immediate reaction to his having lied to you about having two extra children should have been to dump him, not to move his jobless arse into your home and wake up in the night with the kids he lied to you about because he can't be arsed.

Men like this always find someone else to sponge off. He's been doing this all his life, look, he's had 2 sets of kids with 2 different women.

Get rid of him.”

This with bells on. I’m afraid the man you fell in love with does not exist. What you’ve got is someone incredibly entitled and exploitative who thought literally nothing of trampling on your clear boundary about children and has now moved those children in with you part time so that he doesn’t have to parent them alone (which is perhaps the role their mother performed for his eldest children). He’s even got you supporting him and them financially.

Given he can lie about something this major, you cannot trust him as far as you can throw him - you know he will conceal from you any information which he thinks might work to his disadvantage.

You mention being menopausal so I’m guessing you’re in your late 40s/early 50s. I’m early 50s - my DCs are early to mid-teens. I love them to bits but no way would I want to start a fresh round of parenting now with primary school aged children.

It’s your time now. And he’s trying to steal that from you. Please don’t let him.

Wow, he lied to you about having other kids...that would have done it for me!

No decent person could lie about the existence of their two small kids for a year.

That's every single time he had them.furjnv that year, he lied to you by omission about it and hid it, every time he communicated with them or with their mum about them during that year, he lied by ommission about it and hid it. He hid the existence of two of his children, whom he brought into this world, was presumably around 24 7 until he and their mum split, and presumably sees regularly since then ...
It's absolutely mind boggling bizarre and speaks if some kind of personality disorder.

No doubt he rolled out the "i liked you do much and wanted to keep seeing you" line. - notice how he put his wants and needs way above any respect for the wishes of the person he supposedly liked so much.

And he was ok with deceiving them about something gigantic for a year.

As a result of his actions (and your inability to get rid of him when you found out) you're now stuck in exactly the position you dud t want to be in and set out to avoid. And on topmif that he's been living off you to boot!

This guy is a bit of a con artist and his major lying is a facet of it. I bet his exes have some interesting stories.

He won’t go without a struggle
He’s got it very easy living with you and won’t want to give that up

Incidentally don't invest in his business startup FFS.

I'm going to try and get away on my own next weekend when we have his kids - I need some space to sort out how I'm going to do this.

It's very easy - you tell him to take HIS children elsewhere for the weekend because you need space and you wish to have YOUR home to YOURSELF.

He will do it, by the way. He'll be petrified at losing this setup - if you hint that you're considering finishing the relationship your head will spin with the speed at which Considerate Perfect Boyfriend reappears!!

Wow. This guy charmed you for a year to ensure your emotional bond was strong enough that you’d accept basically being the mother figure to his kids that he hid from you. He is talking about a ten year plan? Just think about that for a second! He is happy to add a decade (plus time already spent) onto your plans that you made for when your own kids were older.

Not to mention the getting you to support him financially. Why aren’t you getting a break? Why isnt he caring for his kids when he has then so you can do your own thing?

Also - he’s happy to lie about his kids, how do you know he’s not lying about other stuff - like, say, this ten year plan? What if you support h I’m financially, practically and emotionally with his pet time parenting right up until his kids are independent and the he says ‘you know what this relationship isn’t working for me anymore’?

And then you’ve sacrificed a decade of your life - those amazing years when you could have finally been enjoying more freedom with your kids older.

This guy is awful, he’s played you like a fiddle. That you’re sat feeling guilty about where he might live instead of being outraged that he has manipulated you into this situation where you are exhausted and doing so much work to support him and his kids on top of your own is proof positive of that.

@FizzyGreenWater

I'm going to try and get away on my own next weekend when we have his kids - I need some space to sort out how I'm going to do this.

It's very easy - you tell him to take HIS children elsewhere for the weekend because you need space and you wish to have YOUR home to YOURSELF.

He will do it, by the way. He'll be petrified at losing this setup - if you hint that you're considering finishing the relationship your head will spin with the speed at which Considerate Perfect Boyfriend reappears!!

This. He picked you out as a soft target.

Well he saw you coming, lies to you about DC and the somehow manages to move into your home and now your facilitating his visits with primary school DC. wake up- your nor happy and get him to move out- Where he goes is not your responsibility

Kick him out OP. You need your space back and time to think. You shouldn't have to leave your home for the weekend. Get him out before then.

Also, I hate to say this, but the kind of man that is capable of such lying and manipulation to get what he wants, and then the kind of entitled behaviour which sees him sleep soundly on while you get up with his kids...

...is exactly the kind of man to turn around once you've helped bankroll the now-successful business and his kids are in secondary and don't need their piss wiping up any more, and inform you that he's met a younger model and he's off, thanks for all the fish.

Dump him, dump him, dump him - every post on here is spot on, every woman on here has met one of these.

Don't ever stick with a liar.

Good point from PP about the 10 year plan - why is he deciding on your 10 year plan? It sounds like you only met him move in because he lost his job, not because you jointly decided you wanted to start making future plans together.

This is a massive thing he kept from you. I wouldn't trust him anymore, would be the end for me.