Am I being ridiculous about this?

[Moooon]

I met Dp a few years ago. I was online dating and wanted to find someone who did not want more dcs and didn't have young dcs. I specifically stated that in my profile. I am not anti kids in any way - I have my own - but my youngest ds has SN and looking after him took a lot out of me. I also didn't think it was fair to him (ds) to have to integrate with another family. He was late teens when I started dating (and has turned 18 now).

I met Dp and he seemed a perfect fit. Had dcs at university. We took it very slowly for the first year but I totally fell in love with him. We started talking about moving in together and then he said he had to own up to something. His dc weren't the only dc he had. He had had another long term relationship and had 2 primary school aged dc.

I was genuinely shocked and upset about it. But we talked about it and he convinced me that it wouldn't be such a big adjustment etc etc. We would only see his dc when ds wasn't with me etc

But 2 years on I am really struggling. I have no free weekends because I have my ds permanently then we have his dc when ds stays with his dad (my other dc are older). His dc wake up in the night (one has night terrors and the other struggles with bed wetting) and even though Dp wakes up sometimes, it still wakes me up and of course I help out. I get on v well with his kids but I just find it exhausting. And being with them reminds me of how much ds's SN affects him and it makes me sad. I work full time so I really have no time to myself now and it's too much.

Ds goes off to university next month and dp keeps saying how we can have a 10 yr plan for what we will do with our lives when his youngest turns 18. But I had a plan - for when mine did and that's gone now.

I'm usually someone with perspective but I'm finding it hard because I'm also going through the menopause so my hormones are all over the place and it's really unlike me. I just feel like I've let myself be walked all over and now all my needs are coming last! Wwyd in my shoes - I just feel I can't even find the headspace to think!

I would ask him to leave, he has shown you who he is.

How can you trust anything he says?

Ds goes off to university next month and dp keeps saying how we can have a 10 yr plan for what we will do with our lives when his youngest turns 18. But I had a plan - for when mine did and that's gone now.

Your plan is only gone because your self-esteem is so low you allowed this lying, manipulating cocklodger into your life and home. You hold all the cards here, why are you giving this guy so much power? This isn't love, this is using.

You don't owe him anything, he lied to you. He's using you. You can tell him to leave at any time and he has to go.

He's an adult. He needs to make his own way.

He's a lying cocklodger OP and he is taking terrible advantage of your good nature.

I hope you’re at least getting great sex out if this deal

You are being rinsed.

Keep going with your plans. Keep
Him if you must not don’t change your plans.

Travel, go out, join a book group and do not apologise for leaving him with his own children.

Get rid of him, OP. You've been lied to and taken for a mug.

OP, you're not responsible for his life/his financial situation and you're under no obligation to help him "get on his feet". I'd kick the hell out of him.

Just think of all the “little” lies he had to tell to convince you he didn’t have school-age children ...(have to work late/seeing a friend etc).
He’d happily grind you and your self-esteem to nothing.

But - just because you should have left him when he admitted his big lie doesn’t mean it was a one time deal. You can end it any time, for any reason

As you expect he will be hard to get rid of is there anyone who can help you/come round to be with you after you’ve told him?

He deliberately lied to you about not having young kids. That's a complete deal breaker before you even get into anything else.

What a cushy little number he's got. Living in your house, you doing the shit work with his children and presumably paying all the bills as well.

Boot him out.

@Moooon

Thanks - I totally blame myself as I should have broken up with him at that point and I didn't. By that stage, we were really close.

Loads of men I dated before I met him lied too (either about their dc, their age, being married etc.). It is frustrating. But I did think I might be able to manage it but the truth is I can't and I just don't know how I will manage it going forward. And I feel incredibly guilty as a mother for feeling this way.

Er, he lied about the existence of two entire humans. You're not to blame for anything, he is, for lying in the first place!

Hey OP,
Seems like he deliberately lied to you because he knew it was a deal breaker. You don't sound at all happy in this situation, understandably so. Can you extricate yourself? It sounds like you need to listen to the voice inside which is telling you to bolt.

.is exactly the kind of man to turn around once you've helped bankroll the now-successful business and his kids are in secondary and don't need their piss wiping up any more, and inform you that he's met a younger model and he's off, thanks for all the fish

Pretty much what happens isn't it?! See it coming OP.

@gamerchick

.is exactly the kind of man to turn around once you've helped bankroll the now-successful business and his kids are in secondary and don't need their piss wiping up any more, and inform you that he's met a younger model and he's off, thanks for all the fish

Pretty much what happens isn't it?! See it coming OP.

There was a poster on here who's cocklodger did just that - happy to live off the OP, receive emotional support and help to build up career skills from her, contribute nothing financially nor pull his weight with chores and surprise, surprise, the moment his business started turning a profit he wanted out. Fucking vampires.

Another (unanimous surely?) ltb vote OP. He told a massive lie to reel you in because he doesn't respect you/women and carries on disrespecting you by treat you like a mug. Tell him to fuck off before he sucks you dry.

See you were honest right from the start. He knew he had other kids. He only mentioned them when he knew he wormed his way in. I wouldnt forgive this manipulation.
He did this intentionally.

It sounds like you have had a rough time and looked forward to your kids moving out and you reclaiming part of your life back. You dont have to accept this. After what you have been theough I wouldnt want to go through it again with someone elses kids!