I've (hopefully) name-changed for this but been around MN for several years.
I’m so confused and dejected, can anyone tell me if they’ve been in a similar situation and managed to turn this around? I’m afraid it’s long but please be kind, I’ve spent most of today in floods of tears over this.
Married to DH for around 16 years, together over 18. Two teen kids still at home. Sex life was always ‘lacking’ but he was very inexperienced and (initially) keen to learn so I thought it would work itself out. Sadly not, and for the past 10 years we’ve been technically sexless, managing only a handful of times per year and with varying degrees of success (often we’d get started, he’d lose his erection and we’d give up, he’d have a massive strop about it all). There have been times when I’ve asked him if he had fallen out of love with me, was seeing someone else, was perhaps gay, and so on. He’s never admitted to any of these.
Over the last 5 years things have degenerated and now he has total ED. He just cannot get even a partial erection and says he doesn’t get them at all, not even early morning erections. He agreed to see the GP once, she tested his testosterone levels and said they were normal, he’s refused to follow up any further (GP wanted to refer him to Urology but he flat out refused to go). We got some Viagra (through Boots) and he tried it once – it didn’t have any effect and he didn’t want to try again.
He is perfectly happy with the status quo. Has said if I never mentioned sex again it would be a ‘massive relief’ for him. Very rarely wants to kiss and cuddle and now I avoid them because I don’t know if it’s supposed to lead on to anything or not. He wants us to stay together, has no desire to find anyone else. I’ve explained this is a massive deal for me, I’m not yet 50 and hadn’t planned on being celibate for the rest of my life, that I’m upset he’s made a unilateral decision for the both of us and expects me to stay faithful but not ever have any kind of physical relationship again; he just becomes upset and says I’m being unfair as ‘he can’t help it’.
The other night he completely out of the blue decided to make a grab for me in bed. Wanted to do things ‘at’ me – I don’t mean he was forcing himself on me, but he just wanted to go through the motions of the stuff he knows I like but didn’t want me to touch him. He just wanted me to lie there and him ‘check the boxes’ on the list of things he knows I like, if that makes sense. There was no closeness. I felt awful afterwards, almost violated although I know that wasn’t his intention. When I asked him the next morning what was going on he just said ‘I thought it was what I was supposed to do’. I asked him whether he started this because he felt aroused, or whether he became aroused at any point during the proceedings (even mentally aroused if he can’t physically get an erection) and he just said no, he just thought it was a nice thing to do for me.
I’m utterly devastated and have a massive lump in my chest. Am I truly married to a man who doesn’t even find me remotely attractive any more? What am I supposed to do, just shut that whole part of me down? I’ve told him it’s not just the physical sex, but it’s like living with a (grumpy) flatmate.
Is there any hope here, or are my choices truly to either leave him, or shut up and put up?