DH wants to stay together but no intimacy

[fedupofcleaning]

I've (hopefully) name-changed for this but been around MN for several years.

I’m so confused and dejected, can anyone tell me if they’ve been in a similar situation and managed to turn this around? I’m afraid it’s long but please be kind, I’ve spent most of today in floods of tears over this.

Married to DH for around 16 years, together over 18. Two teen kids still at home. Sex life was always ‘lacking’ but he was very inexperienced and (initially) keen to learn so I thought it would work itself out. Sadly not, and for the past 10 years we’ve been technically sexless, managing only a handful of times per year and with varying degrees of success (often we’d get started, he’d lose his erection and we’d give up, he’d have a massive strop about it all). There have been times when I’ve asked him if he had fallen out of love with me, was seeing someone else, was perhaps gay, and so on. He’s never admitted to any of these.

Over the last 5 years things have degenerated and now he has total ED. He just cannot get even a partial erection and says he doesn’t get them at all, not even early morning erections. He agreed to see the GP once, she tested his testosterone levels and said they were normal, he’s refused to follow up any further (GP wanted to refer him to Urology but he flat out refused to go). We got some Viagra (through Boots) and he tried it once – it didn’t have any effect and he didn’t want to try again.

He is perfectly happy with the status quo. Has said if I never mentioned sex again it would be a ‘massive relief’ for him. Very rarely wants to kiss and cuddle and now I avoid them because I don’t know if it’s supposed to lead on to anything or not. He wants us to stay together, has no desire to find anyone else. I’ve explained this is a massive deal for me, I’m not yet 50 and hadn’t planned on being celibate for the rest of my life, that I’m upset he’s made a unilateral decision for the both of us and expects me to stay faithful but not ever have any kind of physical relationship again; he just becomes upset and says I’m being unfair as ‘he can’t help it’.

The other night he completely out of the blue decided to make a grab for me in bed. Wanted to do things ‘at’ me – I don’t mean he was forcing himself on me, but he just wanted to go through the motions of the stuff he knows I like but didn’t want me to touch him. He just wanted me to lie there and him ‘check the boxes’ on the list of things he knows I like, if that makes sense. There was no closeness. I felt awful afterwards, almost violated although I know that wasn’t his intention. When I asked him the next morning what was going on he just said ‘I thought it was what I was supposed to do’. I asked him whether he started this because he felt aroused, or whether he became aroused at any point during the proceedings (even mentally aroused if he can’t physically get an erection) and he just said no, he just thought it was a nice thing to do for me.

I’m utterly devastated and have a massive lump in my chest. Am I truly married to a man who doesn’t even find me remotely attractive any more? What am I supposed to do, just shut that whole part of me down? I’ve told him it’s not just the physical sex, but it’s like living with a (grumpy) flatmate.

Is there any hope here, or are my choices truly to either leave him, or shut up and put up?

I think we all deserve to love and be loved. I don’t think your DH wants this.

I’m utterly devastated and have a massive lump in my chest. Am I truly married to a man who doesn’t even find me remotely attractive any more?

It's not personal OP and doesn't say anything about whether he thinks you're attractive or not. He just isn't into sex- with anyone, not even solo.

It's a shame he wouldn't go to urology, as they could give him a pump if viagra didn't work. But I suppose if he has no libido then it's not a problem for him.

it’s like living with a (grumpy) flatmate.

This would be the end for me OP in that grumpiness is so unpleasant to live with. I had enough of that sort of thing from my father in my childhood.

I think he has issues, and the ED is just part of them. But it would need a lot of therapy to deal with his various issues, and that takes a level of commitment to therapy that he probably wouldn't have.

He's a very angry man

Is he my dad? Please separate from him. Living with someone grumpy, angry etc is so bad for children. I've been left with anxiety etc to the extent I've never really been able to work.

When he made advances to you what upset you - that it felt forced?
If it was relaxed and natural and he was willing to focus on your needs would that be better for you? Whether he has a physical or psychological problem causing the ED - if he is willing to invest in your pleasure that may help you in feeling intimate. If you don’t want to separate or end the marriage that could be a good compromise. I think that men talking about ED is a massive issue for them however secure they may be.

I sympathise with you OP and others in a similar situation. Please know it affects men too.

I am in a similar situation with DP. Married 24 years but she no longer wants sex. This is due more due to a medical condition that she has. There was an earlier thread in roommate marriages - which resonated well.

I’ve also been told to ‘feel free to look somewhere else’ and that she won’t hold it against me. However, we have a teenage daughter, and other than the lack of sex, we get on fine and I know she cares deeply.

I feel guilty about going elsewhere because it’s driven by a medical condition rather than a breakdown in marriage....but I have needs too...

@fedupofcleaning he sounds very much like my family member. You say it wouldn't change anything, and whilst a diagnosis, or some sort of counselling perhaps wouldn't change the end of your marriage, if that's what you want, it may change how you perceive what you see as rejection.

This is me. 20 years together and no sex life for the past 5 or so years.
Everything else is perfect, family, friends and we are best friends, we make each other laugh and are so similar.
However neither of us has done anything to address the lack of intimacy and he has now left, it’s the worst pain ever, Im grieving for The future we had and is gone and for the fact that I’m missing him so much in my empty house.

I'm so sorry, and sad, to hear others are in a similar situation. Doodley I agree, everyone deserves some affection within their relationship.

Thank you to those who have said "it isn't personal....", I needed to hear that. Because I totally feel like crap, thinking even my own spouse can't find me attractive etc. So this is very kind and made me cry a little bit.

Heartofgold - precisely this, yes. It felt as though he was just 'performing a service', there was no exchange of affection and he didn't want to kiss me or for me to touch him. It was horrible.

I've said to my DH in the past that I feel I've been a good wife, through some very very difficult times; just a couple of examples, he has been in very serious trouble at work in the past due to his anger, and we've been in bad financial trouble at several points because he is absolutely unable to manage money and bills and will spend every penny he can get his hands on, on stuff like video games or fast food (sounds silly but he'll spend hundreds a month on this stuff and I'll find out when the direct debit for the electric bill bounces). I've always been the one to figure out a way to fix things and make it all ok, I've worked overtime to clear bills and hired lawyers to help him get out of trouble at work. I've never ever so much as flirted with another man since we met. And it doesn't feel fair that he won't even try to treat me like a partner. I understand that he may have a medical condition (ED) but I despair that he doesn't want to even try to get help or to improve things for us.

I feel as though he just wants me to be his mother; to provide (I've always been the breadwinner), to keep the house clean and the kids safe and so on. But on a day to day basis we 'work'; we generally get along, we've learned to live together well, I think we like one another. And we both want the kids to have a good life - I could certainly take on the mortgage and keep the kids on my own salary (there's no way he could take on the mortgage on his salary, he works a NMW job and hates it because he feels it's massively beneath him; it's not, it suits his skills and abilities perfectly) but things would be tight and the kids would miss him desperately.

I'm so sad.

So, figured I would come back and provide a mini-update.

Convinced DH to 'meet' (virtually, of course!) with a couples counsellor a few days ago. It was painful as he said he wanted to do it but then squirmed, sulked, wouldn't engage and didn't answer questions, was obtuse when asked about things directly and so on. After half an hour counsellor asked if he'd ever been assessed for Asperger's as in her opinion he demonstrated or was explaining many of the traits. She sent him some online self-assessment questionnaires and they all came back scoring as / suggesting 'moderate Aspergers'.

So now he's utterly devastated (he sees this is a massive flaw, which is very typical of him) and I have no clue where we go from here.

Just thought some pp might be interested as this was suggested!

I could have written your post OP. I feel so identified. I'm quite sure my husband is asexual. He never really cared, won't even talk about it. It's now been 30 years. My biggest regret in life is not having walked away 29 years ago.

Does this change anything for you though? If he can’t or won’t have a non-grumpy, loving, ‘normal’ marriage with you, does this ‘diagnosis’ help you in any way to move forward? Is he a grump with the children? And will they really desperately miss him if you were to separate? They are watching your relationship and that will be their normal.....Would you want a marriage like this for your children? Tbh I’d say you’ve done incredibly well to put up with him for as long as you have - but do you honestly want this for the rest of your life?

What kind of counsellor was this? I don't think ethically she should be suggesting diagnoses of anything, particularly after half an hour of meeting him online...... I actually think this is extremely unprofessional, and has left you much worse off....

I don't think he sounds pleasant enough for you to live with, tbh. I hate the thought of living with someone who's so angry, never mind the rest of it. You must feel incredibly stressed.

Am not sure why the counsellor shouldn't have suggested especially as it may have been barndoor obvious.

Counselling isn't just 'sit there and let the 2 of you do the talking'.

Will he go back to see the counsellor again or is he now so devastated he can't face her? He can do constructive things with the info such as see his GP or contact the National Autistic Society to discuss it some more.

Either way does this change things about the marriage for you? If he does have High Functioning Autism, it is who he is, and although it may be good for him to find out in terms of things like solving issues at work, it's unlikely to suddenly make him into a totally different personality as a partner.

There's quite a long list of behaviours you have given that are very unappealing in a partner and if he engages with his autism they might get a lot better, but if and might are doing a lot of work in that sentence.

It would be entirely reasonable for you to decide you don't want to be in that sort of relationship and call it a day. However I'd be very clear that this isn't about the diagnosis, it's about x, y and z behaviours.

You deserve to be happy and have a fulfilling physical relationship regardless of what your DH wants or is capable of and you also need to think very very carefully about the example of a normal loving relationship that your are giving your children.

i would want to know the real reason for this OP, asexual, gay, prefers wanking to porn alone. I could not live without knowing the actual truth.
I feel he is hiding something from you.

@AnnaMagnani

I've did counsellor training and we were taught it is not the counsellors job to provide any sort of diagnosis of anything. That was humanistic counselling though, other types may be different. . I'm not just saying it because I don't think it sounds right. Also, to suggest that someone may have asperger's off the back of a half hour appointment online... With no existing relationship, no indication of how that person might react, that is unprofessional. I have no doubt of that.

Asperger's isn't actually used as a term for high functioning autism anymore either.... I shouldn't have used that in my post.

Not really sure why you're persevering with this relationship. He sounds pretty unpleasant (nothing to do with aspergers), with the grumpiness, expecting you to do everything, feeling superior to work etc.
Then to top it all off there's no sex.
Separate, and take back your chance at a happy and fulfilled life. Your children will be fine.

Announcing to someone that she thinks they have ASD when she's only just 'met' them is a sure-fire way to get a lot of people's backs up (depending how it's done.) Maybe he irriitated her. She probably saw what you have to contend with from him, and felt for you.

The relationship is over surely? Time for you to focus on finding someone who makes you happy

@Primrose64 it's actually high functioning autism that isn't the right term. The clinical psychologist who diagnosed DS1 said Asperger's was the term everyone was familiar with, therefore we should use it.

I think you should try to get counselling just for yourself also.
I think you'll be able to make a decision about your marriage if you could get all your feelings out and go through them. Talking to your H isn't getting you anywhere.
Just try to remember you only have one life and at the moment yours is miserable. You deserve more than this I reckon.

This must be so dofficult for you. What I would say is that whilst people may be asexual and that is completely fine, that doesn't necessarily mean non sexual affection has to be withdrawn too. It does sound like your DH is thinking about what impact this is having on you-because however clumsy and awkward the attempt was, he did try to engage sexually with you. I am completely with you by the way, it would be a complete turn off if he was just "ticking boxes" with no sign of arousal at all.

Do you think he is too embarassed to follow up with the GP/other sèrvices? Some of the things he has said sound crass and passive aggressive (go and get laid then), but this might be defensiveness.

Either way, there needs to be a conversation about where you go from here. He is perfectly entitled to never have sex again if he doesn't want to. You are entitled to want a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. You will either both have to compromise on what you want or consider whether you should stay together. I think a 3rd person would be a terrible idea btw.

god what are you wasting your life for?

why does he get the life he wants and you just get to pay the bills.

fuck. that.

Whilst it's ok for the counsellor to suggest AS, she's now left you high and dry!?