DH wants to stay together but no intimacy

[fedupofcleaning]

I've (hopefully) name-changed for this but been around MN for several years.

I’m so confused and dejected, can anyone tell me if they’ve been in a similar situation and managed to turn this around? I’m afraid it’s long but please be kind, I’ve spent most of today in floods of tears over this.

Married to DH for around 16 years, together over 18. Two teen kids still at home. Sex life was always ‘lacking’ but he was very inexperienced and (initially) keen to learn so I thought it would work itself out. Sadly not, and for the past 10 years we’ve been technically sexless, managing only a handful of times per year and with varying degrees of success (often we’d get started, he’d lose his erection and we’d give up, he’d have a massive strop about it all). There have been times when I’ve asked him if he had fallen out of love with me, was seeing someone else, was perhaps gay, and so on. He’s never admitted to any of these.

Over the last 5 years things have degenerated and now he has total ED. He just cannot get even a partial erection and says he doesn’t get them at all, not even early morning erections. He agreed to see the GP once, she tested his testosterone levels and said they were normal, he’s refused to follow up any further (GP wanted to refer him to Urology but he flat out refused to go). We got some Viagra (through Boots) and he tried it once – it didn’t have any effect and he didn’t want to try again.

He is perfectly happy with the status quo. Has said if I never mentioned sex again it would be a ‘massive relief’ for him. Very rarely wants to kiss and cuddle and now I avoid them because I don’t know if it’s supposed to lead on to anything or not. He wants us to stay together, has no desire to find anyone else. I’ve explained this is a massive deal for me, I’m not yet 50 and hadn’t planned on being celibate for the rest of my life, that I’m upset he’s made a unilateral decision for the both of us and expects me to stay faithful but not ever have any kind of physical relationship again; he just becomes upset and says I’m being unfair as ‘he can’t help it’.

The other night he completely out of the blue decided to make a grab for me in bed. Wanted to do things ‘at’ me – I don’t mean he was forcing himself on me, but he just wanted to go through the motions of the stuff he knows I like but didn’t want me to touch him. He just wanted me to lie there and him ‘check the boxes’ on the list of things he knows I like, if that makes sense. There was no closeness. I felt awful afterwards, almost violated although I know that wasn’t his intention. When I asked him the next morning what was going on he just said ‘I thought it was what I was supposed to do’. I asked him whether he started this because he felt aroused, or whether he became aroused at any point during the proceedings (even mentally aroused if he can’t physically get an erection) and he just said no, he just thought it was a nice thing to do for me.

I’m utterly devastated and have a massive lump in my chest. Am I truly married to a man who doesn’t even find me remotely attractive any more? What am I supposed to do, just shut that whole part of me down? I’ve told him it’s not just the physical sex, but it’s like living with a (grumpy) flatmate.

Is there any hope here, or are my choices truly to either leave him, or shut up and put up?

How old are your children OP?

Honestly, I'd get lawyered up and leave him. It will be hard, and probably expensive, but you will be so much happier.

Thanks for the replies, it’s been a tough few days of reading up about this stuff, and thinking…..

I don’t have a problem with the counsellor suggesting this diagnosis. She never pretended to be a doctor, just said this was her thought/experience and here are some online tests you can use for yourself. If she is correct then at least now she knows what direction to go in, to try and help us. I think I mentioned before that I’ve had my own suspicions over recent years, and I have no medical training whatsoever – so if it’s obvious to me, it is probably glaringly obvious to the trained eye.

I think the ‘diagnosis’ (and now as I’m reading more about it a million things fall into place so I suspect it is probably correct) changes things for DH because now, much as he hates it, he has a ‘reason’ to be the way he is. He’s spent the last couple of days bombarding me with online articles about how a NT spouse can help an AS spouse and honestly, it’s making me cross. Yes this is probably selfish of me, and yes if he truly has Aspergers then this is typical behaviour and he doesn’t know it’s not what I want right now, but there we go. I’ve adapted and accommodated and ‘put up with’ for years and years, and now I need to do more to make him happy. I’m so angry that this is the assumption.

For me, the diagnosis means that I know he isn’t deliberately being a jerk. But it also therefore means I can’t look forward to the counselling helping him to change his behaviour – all it can do is help him learn to ‘act’ like a NT partner. And that makes me very sad.

Counsellor also said that his complete disinterest in sex is not at all surprising and that ‘intimacy would be the icing on the cake, so maybe we’ll get to that later on’. I didn’t get the opportunity to say ‘actually, it’s not icing for me, it’s a key ingredient’. Again – massively sad.

Yes Goody, he is massively grumpy with the kids. Now that they are older they roll their eyes, tell me things and ask me not to tell him because they know how he will react, etc. They love him but find him hard work.

Anna he says he wants to see the counsellor again. She was very reassuring to him, explained she can teach him how to behave to better support me, so he seems keen to do this. My immediate reaction is ‘but I don’t want my partner to learn how to pretend to be the partner I want’. I am still thinking this through.

Eekay I have been thinking this myself – it feels as though the couples counselling is going to be all about DH and whilst he needs it and that’s fine, I still don’t have anyone to talk to.

Thanks again everyone.

The thing is there are other issues there his anger and spending money out of control, you carrying the mental, emotional and parental load.

Diagnosis or not I would ask to split and live apart whilst you both decide what you want and he sees if he can "grow up" with regards to his anger and spending without you being his "Mum"

This sounds an unhealthy dynamic for the DC and they would be happier mainly living with you and spending some time with their Dad.

Oh good grief @fedupofcleaning, have a huuuuge hug - I feel so sad for you. So much of this is about HIM, and your (perfectly reasonable) needs are being almost ignored. Sorry, but I don’t think from what you say the kids will be overwhelmed with sadness if you split up, and tbh - when is YOUR happiness and emotional well-being going to come first for a change? You’ve carried this burden for so long, and with so little back although I’m sure your children give you joy. As a previous poster suggested, is a split/break an option? Can’t help feeling you will rise like a phoenix if you were able to free yourself. Whatever diagnoses he may have/get, a marriage is not a life sentence, and divorce isn’t a crime. Living like this is no life. It’s not his fault he’s like that? It’s not your fault either and his wants don’t trump yours and the children’s.

@fedupofcleaning I've just commented on a similar post. This is all so familiar! And so frustrating. I dearly wish I could start again as I feel the life is being drained out of me. I look forward to coming to work just to have people I want to be with who make me laugh. I sit in the car park at the end of the day to avoid going home. And now that the government is saying to work from home again (which is what dh does) I feel ten times worse at the prospect of him being around the house ALL THE TIME when I used to so enjoy after school time just me and the kids. I can't continue, but at the same time I can't bring myself to pack up and leave. I too am so sad xx

Same situation here, married over 25 years and no sexual relations at all, just occasional hug cuddle in bed. I suspect he is gay, talks softly most of the time, but very ambitious and driven at work, have a comfortable lifestyle and special needs adult children, so the option of leaving is complicated. Still deciding I am midififties, not sure how to start again.it is very difficult, so many are closeted gays. I am post menopause and don’t really care for it anyway. I suspect he is ASD also.

First of all I know how hard it is when there's kids involved. However, let me assure you that waiting until they're older won't necessarily make things easier - it just makes you unhappy for longer. Trust me when I say that your kids will thrive better with two happy parents, even if it's hard for them at first, than they would in an unhappy home. Of course I don't know how clear it is that there are issues, as I don't live there.

You need to tell him that you don't want him doing things just for the sake of doing things. Tell him that you only want to have sex if he wants to, if you BOTH want to, and that you want it to be something you do because you love each other, not to tick boxes. Tell him that kisses and cuddles are nice and don't always have to lead to sex. Let him take the lead on sex if it helps him relax more about the other stuff. I.e. tell him that if you're kissing and cuddling you'll leave it to him to initiate future. That might help with the kissing and cuddling at least.

But.

You need to decide whether you can put up with that, or not. Going out having sex with someone else is a ridiculous idea so he should never have suggested that, so if you know you can't be without sex for the rest of your life (which is completely understandable) you need to explain it to him simply but honestly, and leave the ball in his court.

It's then up to him whether to continue with the investigations, or whether to call it a day.

My previous partner had a similar issue but he turned out to be diabetic. I'm assuming that's not the case here as he's been to the doctor, but just thought I'd mention it in case it hasn't been ruled out.

I suppose it's a question of whether he's not having sex because he physically can't, or because he just doesn't want it. If it's the latter then you clearly have very different ideas of what you want, but if it's the former then he needs to carry on seeing doctors until it's figured out - as it could transform both of your lives if it was sorted!

There have been so many threads like this lately. I’m thinking that lockdown has brought these issues further to the fore.

OP, it does sound like your whole relationship is all about him. Where are you in all of this? I would urge you to see a therapist just for you to have a safe space to work through your feelings.

I’m in the same situation and just don’t know what to do. If I had to take a punt on whether our situation would change then I’d say no.

I think my DH has massive issues around sex. When I look back there were a tonne of red flags but I never saw them as part of a pattern of behaviour but as self contained episodes. They clearly weren’t.

He refuses to engage with me. I’ve asked him outright if he ever wants to have sex again, if he even fancies me. I’ve asked him to be honest and I just hit a brick wall.

I’ve told him it’s unfair of him to unilaterally decide that I will be celibate. It’s a slow death by a thousand cuts as I feel angry and resentful at his lack of engagement and it’s made me doubt the whole relationship.

Interestingly I have a friend who’s a doctor who thinks he should seek an assessment for autism and/or some kind of processing disorder. I’ve tried to gently suggest that but all he says is he is “offended”, the very same thing he said when I asked him if he was gay. Ugh.

I have a further issue in that I don’t see our marriage as being very Godly. I’m not hugely religious but it is something I think about a lot. It’s not how I expected our marriage to be. We married in church and I feel he’s misled me. I believe it was all a facade and Essex was something he was expected to do rather than something he desired and as soon as he married me he didn’t need to really bother any more. It’s taken lockdown for me not to be distracted enough to give it proper thought. I’ve even googled if I can divorce my husband because he’s not interested in sex.

I’m also aware that I’m hugely vulnerable to the lure any kind of male attention which could be a disaster waiting to happen all round.

I’m also lacking in courage. What a mess.

That would suit me. I find sex an annoyance x

This is an interesting thread OP too. There’s a poster on there whose husband has left her for this issue.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4028782-Sexless-Marriage?pg=1

@Stapleton143 Same here, suspect gay or ASD. His soft voice grates on me, he runs in a weird way, just little things that make me wonder. I know that's generalising, and I apologise if I'm causing any offence, but it's just his manner that gets on my nerves. I want a man.
And suspect ASD because he panics about little things, needs help from me all the time, doesn't pick up on my feelings etc...

Could you consider the possibility of your husband seeing this counsellor and you perhaps seeing your own? Maybe going back to couples counselling at some point in the future with someone else at that time? This situation with the counselling doesn't sound like it's working for you?

I know financially that night be a massive burden.

Could he feel emasculated by/ with you op? Not saying you are doing this.

OP, I've only read your own posts so forgive me if I am saying something that has already been discussed.

I am certain that a diagnosis can help many people as having a diagnosis and a name gives one the language to address a problem and it explains a spectrum of behaviours.

HOWEVER, and it is a huge HOWEVER, from your few posts, it seems that you have already spent nearly 20 years sorting him out and is it really how you want to spend the next 20+ years? I think you are perfectly justified in your anger at feeling that he's just handing your more stuff to help him with (you're already keeping the boat afloat financially, childcare-wise, socially, professionally if he has had anger issues at work...) and now you are being handed a whole new host of emotional care tasks.

Please know that you do not have to do this. He is an adult, there are services out there to help him and he could start with one-to-one counselling with this sympathetic therapist. BUT you do not have to be subsumed by another 20+ years of tagging along.

This is your life, it is precious, your time is precious. You have a desire to love and be loved, to share intimacy. If you are honest with yourself, do you want to continue?

OP I haven't read everything just thought I'd chime in and say that I have a sibling in a similar position where their partner has just been diagnosed as autistic during a long period of marriage troubles. But they are divorcing anyway because my sibling has felt like their carer for so long and that is why the relationship isn't working. The diagnosis explains things but it won't change the imbalance that just isn't what my sibling can tolerate in a relationship. I can understand why you are rankled by the assumption that you should now spend more energy supporting your partner now his condition has been named.

He’s spent the last couple of days bombarding me with online articles about how a NT spouse can help an AS spouse and honestly, it’s making me cross

Well I'm not surprised it's making you cross, it's still all about you doing more work isn't it!

When I realised I was ASD, it was like a light going off and I bombarded my DH with stuff about how it was different for girls - and then loads of things I could do in my work and relationship.

Not more stuff for my long-suffering partner.

Really if he just still doesn't get it, it is OK to go.

NC for this, but makes me sad reading this because I am in same situation. DH has disabilities so intercourse is painful for him, but he seems to have completely checked out of our relationship. I don't care if we don't have full sex again but he doesn't seem to care. We have little intimacy and I feel like his carer rather than his wife ( he isn't completely disabled and can take care of his personal care).
He also has ADHD and anxiety, and is currently anxious about the ongoing situation. I ended up telling him last night that I was never sure if he wanted me to be around or not.
He really is a lovely man, and I know he loves me, and I love him too, but the lack of intimacy is frustrating. I feel we have become roommates.

This is so sad. You should be in your prime now enjoying a fulfilling sex life your right his a housemate. I wouldn’t stay with someone like this. Life is too short get out there and enjoy yourself he may be ready to give up and get old before his time but you are not.