I’m tormenting myself and can’t stop

[Penniesared]

I’ve just come out of an absolutely awful relationship. He was not the man I thought he was, in lots of ways. He hid severe mental health issues from me and joined vulgar sites and had porn addiction I later found he was getting help for. He was not a nice person.

It’s thrown me into tormenting myself for breaking up with a very nice man a year or so before I met this recent ex. He was amazing to me but quite intense, which now I am interpreting as commitment rather than intensity. He would be annoyed if I didn’t want to spend a whole weekend with him...not massively annoyed but clearly irritated. He wanted to go on holiday ASAP and it made me hesitant. He could sometimes be patronising about my work (we worked in same discipline but different areas and he earned more so seemed to always have to know best). But he was kind to me. He’d often pay for things and then later on comment that he thought I was taking the piss (?) even though he suggested going out etc and would organise things himself without asking. These things sound so ridiculous in light of what my recent ex was like! And to be honest when I think back, I’m not sure why I ended things with the nice man, I just felt in the end that I didn’t love him. I wanted to and did try but I found him irritating and couldn’t fall in love..even after many months. I made the effort to see him and go to his place etc but it just felt something was missing. I’m pretty sure he didn’t have a temper but I did hear him get cross a couple of times and didn’t like it if i had to leave at a certain time etc though he wouldn’t force me to stay or anything, he wasn’t like that. I see this more as love and care now rather than being irritating...as a consequence of what my recent ex did which broke me with the lies and all manner of other things!

After what has happened recently with this nasty ex I am tying myself in knots asking myself why I ended it with the nice one. I’m not about to get in touch with him or anything but I just wish my head would stop spinning about it all. Did I fuck up with the nice man? Why am I thinking of him so much?!

Neither of these guys are right for you (or indeed for anyone else by the sound of it!). It’s not a matter of which of these was the better choice, they were both problematic in their own ways and you recognised that and ended it. There are plenty more men out there. Many of them awful. Some of them great, hopefully one of them perfect for you! Keep looking.

mark but what really was so wrong with the nice one. That’s the thing. After what the recent ex put me through I am seriously questioning my judgements on things.

I feel like an idiot for being bothered about nice man’s behaviours that weren’t as good as they could be, after going through what recent ex put me through! I would take nice man any day after that... recent ex was just total and awful abuse.

You ended it with the first one because he wasn’t nice at all. He has several red flags. Just because you then went on to date someone even worse doesn’t make the first guy a decent partner!

There are lots of very nice men in the world but being nice doesn't automatically make then the right match for you.

anna but he cared and wanted me to be happy. I really believe that. He was a god in comparison to what I’ve just been through and it makes me feel so stupid. I could have avoided all this if I had stayed with him instead.

The “nice” one has red flags all over him.

You did the right thing leaving them both.

I would suggest spending time alone until you work out what attracts you to these type of men.

OP what's your family background? Was it chaotic with neglectful parents or dependency issues?

Both of these men sound abusive and you're better off from both of them. Do you have a history of abusive relationships and friendships?

The reason I'm asking about your background is that you are describing someone who is clearly abusive as nice and the one who got away. Even in hindsight, you can't see that he was controlling and love bombed you.

It’s such weird thinking on your part. Imagine you ate a dinner that made you feel a bit sick and didn’t taste nice. You wouldn’t eat it again, right? Now imagine you have a second dinner and that one lands you in hospital with food poisoning. Obviously the second dinner is not one you would want to repeat but it doesn’t mean the first one is one you should start eating all the time either!

It means there's a million other dinners out there that will taste nice and be nourishing. Go find those ones.

I get what you are saying anna but maybe it was me that was the problem? Is it so bad to have someone who wants to spend time with you a lot? It’s not the same as abuse and the vile things this later man did which I didn’t see coming for a second.

namechange I have had a mix of good and bad past relationships. I didn’t have a perfect childhood but therapy has and is dealing with that. I don’t think I choose bad men necessarily. I’ve had some lovely relationships.

Looking back I see nice man as pretty perfect after my recent relationship. What was wrong with wanting to see me so much or wanting to progress things? Even the competitive comments about my work could be laughed off. I don’t know. I feel like they are such petty things in comparison to what hell I know some men bring.

It’s not bad when someone wants to spend time with you but you’ve described a whole host of other issues - he lovebombed you, moved too fast, gaslit you over paying for things, he was patronising and you didn’t love him. So what if he wasn’t a level 10 asshole like this other guy, he was still not a good man for you to be with.

anna I guess I think wow was I too picky. Someone being patronising now and then is a far cry from someone who doesn’t give a shit about your welfare and treats you terribly.

I keep going over and over it all and thinking this is why I’m alone and had that awful experience recently

He would be annoyed if I didn’t want to spend a whole weekend with him

He wanted to go on holiday ASAP

He could sometimes be patronising about my work (we worked in same discipline but different areas and he earned more so seemed to always have to know best).

He’d often pay for things and then later on comment that he thought I was taking the piss (?)

would organise things himself without asking.

I found him irritating

I’m pretty sure he didn’t have a temper but I did hear him get cross a couple of times

didn’t like it if i had to leave at a certain time

I see this more as love and care now

Did I fuck up with the nice man? Why am I thinking of him so much?!

He sounds awful OP. Intense, pushy, irritable, controlling, condescending and you found him irritating.

I would concur with category12's post here and was going to write very similar. Look far more closely at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied. I would also suggest you look at Womens Aid's Freedom Programme and do that course either on line or preferably in person with them.

It looks like you went from one abuser straight to another one. That first man you wrote of reminded me of the "Loser" that Dr Joe Carver writes about:-
www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

and the second one was yet another type of abusive individual. What attracted you to these men?. Abuse is the commonality here. do you really think of yourself as being unlovable?.

I would further address all this in therapy and not enter into any relationship until your head and boundaries are far more secure in themselves. Men like these two you describe can sense emotional vulnerability in women along with too low boundaries a mile off so you were targeted accordingly. I have no doubt that you were targeted by both these individuals.

'Nice'man doesn't sound that nice to me. And even if he had been perfect you said you didn't love him. Why would you want to be with someone you don't love? Why do you need to be with someone so badly? Being single really isn't all that bad.

The first one wasn't right for you just because he wasn't as appalling as the second.

He was wrong in his own way too, and deep down you know that's true. You just can't see it at the moment.

I tend to go for professional men as I find they have better conversation usually. That’s probably a horrible thing to say but with online dating you have to filter somehow.

I can see for sure that recent ex was an absolute vile person with a lot of issues and I will never consider him being out of my life as a bad thing.

But I can’t stop going over the man before him. I honestly don’t see these things as controlling really...I’m white headstrong and so he never MADE me stay if I didn’t want to, I never actually went away with him because I didn’t want to at the time. I stood up to him I wasn’t scared of him. It’s hard to see any of what he did or was like as abusive I guess. Especially after what this recent man put me through.

The nice man would be annoyed if I said I couldn’t make an evening date in the week etc...he wouldn’t get angry with me but I knew he wasn’t happy about it. surely these things are care and love not abuse? He wanted to do something nice with me?

I feel so fucked up and confused.

To you it feels like the grass is greener, but I'd say you have had 2 lucky escapes.

11 Signs Of Love Bombing & How Narcissists Use It To Abuse You
www.yourtango.com/2017306384/11-signs-love-bombing-thats-not-real-love-its-totally-fake

You don't have to settle for the best of a bad lot. 'Nice man' wasn't nice - he just wasn't as bad the the next one. Yet.

I think you're seeing the 'nice ' one through the lens of the bad relationship. Both men sound pretty awful to me.

I think I can’t imagine a man who loves me and I love them. I can’t even comprehend it. I just don’t think it will happen. I’m late thirties and most people are settled down by now. Am I just left with abusers who don’t want to settle?

And least the nice ex did want to settle down.

@Penniesared - I think you are traumatised by what you’ve been through so your mind is whirring at a hundred miles an hour and finding things to beat you with. It’s your nasty ex’s voice coming through in your thoughts telling you that you must have done the wrong thing.

All of us reading your posts can see problems with the first guy as well as the second and something told you at the time that he wasn’t right for you. The fact that a guy is nice is not reason enough in itself to date him and, as others have said, he doesn’t sound that nice - he just may have been a bit ‘nicer’ than your abusive ex but that’s really not saying much.

It sounds like you should continue with the therapy and perhaps do the Freedom Programme. And if you think you are habitually drawn to dysfunctional relationships, you might find it helpful to read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.

Please stop referring to him as nice ex. In just your few posts, you’ve described some truly unpleasant behaviour which sounds pretty abusive to me.

I really don’t see how his behaviour was wrong (nice ex, sorry I don’t know how to identify them both now without using that label!).

I can see it’s linked to the comparison with this recent ex. But like nice ex said, I would regret ending things with him and maybe he was right after all. I can’t imagine someone truly good to me. What’s that like? I don’t even know how that should feel? Isn’t someone wanting to spend their time with you enough and what it’s all about

NICE ONE?!

err that really does not sound at all nice by any stretch of the imagination!

Patronising, manipulative and you just didn't feel anything for him?

No. Not nice. Neither were nice.