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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’m tormenting myself and can’t stop

55 replies

Penniesared · 22/08/2020 13:43

I’ve just come out of an absolutely awful relationship. He was not the man I thought he was, in lots of ways. He hid severe mental health issues from me and joined vulgar sites and had porn addiction I later found he was getting help for. He was not a nice person.

It’s thrown me into tormenting myself for breaking up with a very nice man a year or so before I met this recent ex. He was amazing to me but quite intense, which now I am interpreting as commitment rather than intensity. He would be annoyed if I didn’t want to spend a whole weekend with him...not massively annoyed but clearly irritated. He wanted to go on holiday ASAP and it made me hesitant. He could sometimes be patronising about my work (we worked in same discipline but different areas and he earned more so seemed to always have to know best). But he was kind to me. He’d often pay for things and then later on comment that he thought I was taking the piss (?) even though he suggested going out etc and would organise things himself without asking. These things sound so ridiculous in light of what my recent ex was like! And to be honest when I think back, I’m not sure why I ended things with the nice man, I just felt in the end that I didn’t love him. I wanted to and did try but I found him irritating and couldn’t fall in love..even after many months. I made the effort to see him and go to his place etc but it just felt something was missing. I’m pretty sure he didn’t have a temper but I did hear him get cross a couple of times and didn’t like it if i had to leave at a certain time etc though he wouldn’t force me to stay or anything, he wasn’t like that. I see this more as love and care now rather than being irritating...as a consequence of what my recent ex did which broke me with the lies and all manner of other things!

After what has happened recently with this nasty ex I am tying myself in knots asking myself why I ended it with the nice one. I’m not about to get in touch with him or anything but I just wish my head would stop spinning about it all. Did I fuck up with the nice man? Why am I thinking of him so much?!

OP posts:

Dery · 22/08/2020 15:21

“I can’t imagine someone truly good to me. What’s that like? I don’t even know how that should feel? Isn’t someone wanting to spend their time with you enough and what it’s all about”

A healthy relationship feels good and, in some undefinable way, easy. Like you can trust it. It feels good in the sense that you enjoy yourself when you’re with your partner - you may have the odd disagreement but mostly your time together is calm, contented and fun.

hammie46i · 22/08/2020 15:41

Both sound like douchebags. The second one a bigger douchebag than the first. Please remember there are much nicer men out there than this!

hammie46i · 22/08/2020 15:46

Please OP don't get into another relationship before you get some therapy or take some time to recalibrate your definition of "nice". The first guy sounds way too demanding and controlling. Most reasonable men you've just met do not get upset if you don't want to spend all weekend together.

I also think this is just your brain making you focus on the one that got away, as a rebound to ease the pain of your breakup.

Original poster

Penniesared · 22/08/2020 15:55

I think it’s certainly true that the first one was definitely nicer than this recent ex

I didn’t feel like the nice one was abusive, he just was so full on that I asked for a bit of time to slow tings down. I also felt he used money as his power card, he always said things like ‘you don’t know the life I can offer you’ which i didn’t like but it’s not abusive is it. He was just trying to convince me not to end it and we did get on.

I don’t know. It’s irrelevant in some ways as I won’t go back there but I reallt cant imagine loving someone and feeling loved back in a happy secure way where we both feel sure of the other. Is that realistic? I’m 36 now too so are all the good ones gone? I feel so alone and feel like it’s my fault.

OP posts:

Original poster

Penniesared · 22/08/2020 16:05

This thread has really helped me move away from feeling my chance of happiness has gone with making a mistake ending things with the nice one. I still don’t understand my confusion and feelings but I’m less black and white about it than how I felt this morning. I remember nice man saying I would regret ending things with him and that he wouldn’t wait around for me...I think that’s stuck with me after recent ex and feeling like none of that would had happened if I had stayed with the ‘nice one ‘

OP posts:

Gingernaut · 22/08/2020 16:08

I get what you are saying anna but maybe it was me that was the problem?

Possibly.

You need to stop and heal before jumping into your next relationship.

There's something about you that predatory types can see and take advantage of.

Think hard about your upbringing, your attitudes to men and your boundaries.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 22/08/2020 16:31

You're doing magical thinking. It's a protective measure and it's not uncommon. Basically your brain is saying 'you've just had a horrible experience, but you could have avoided that horrible experience by making a different decision a year ago. So it's your fault that you had the horrible experience.'

That's because realising that abusive men are here, among us, super-common and get their kicks out of hurting women is really, really difficult to comprehend. It is easier to blame yourself for something you did a year ago than to accept someone who hurt you did it because they loved it.

'Nice' ex wasn't nice at all, but that's not the point.

Like pp - you need time to heal. Part of this is that a bad thing happened to you and it wasn't your fault. I so, so SO recommend the Freedom Programme.

Gingernaut · 22/08/2020 17:59

I so, so SO recommend the Freedom Programme

Seconded

OhCaptain · 22/08/2020 18:35

You really, really, REALLY shouldn’t be seeing anyone right now, @Penniesared.

Original poster

Penniesared · 22/08/2020 18:37

Thanks it’s just hard for me to understand now looking back why I ended it when he was so eager to make it work. Keep hearing his voice ‘you’ll regret this’ and ‘you don’t know what I can give you’

OP posts:

Perfectstorm12 · 22/08/2020 19:52

Ugh. But both of those phrases sound kind of sinister as well don't they...? Take time for yourself and please lean into therapy. You deserve so much better.

Perfectstorm12 · 22/08/2020 19:53

Also, it just occurred to me that your obsessive thinking about this has less to do with either of these tools and far more to do with you.

Original poster

Penniesared · 22/08/2020 19:56

I know. I just wish the recent thing hadn’t happened. And wouldn’t have if I had stayed with the other one.

OP posts:

msflibble · 22/08/2020 19:58

They both sound bad. BF2 is worse but BF1 sounds controlling and you clearly weren't into him so why torment yourself over him?

I know it's hard to find a decent man but there really are lots out there and you owe it to yourself (and future partners) to find someone you really want to be with and not just someone to settle for so you're not alone.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 22/08/2020 21:43

@Penniesared

I know. I just wish the recent thing hadn’t happened. And wouldn’t have if I had stayed with the other one.

But something bad would have happened if you'd stayed with the first guy, because he was controlling and already exhibiting signs of abuse. There's a pattern at play here.

candle18 · 22/08/2020 21:50

Neither of the ex’s sound ideal. You deserve better.

Wondersense · 22/08/2020 22:01

quite intense, which now I am interpreting as commitment rather than intensity. He would be annoyed if I didn’t want to spend a whole weekend with him...not massively annoyed but clearly irritated. He wanted to go on holiday ASAP and it made me hesitant. He could sometimes be patronising about my work (we worked in same discipline but different areas and he earned more so seemed to always have to know best). But he was kind to me. He’d often pay for things and then later on comment that he thought I was taking the piss (?) even though he suggested going out etc and would organise things himself without asking

No OP. It's natural to doubt yourself but you need to give yourself a massive pat on your pack. You think your problem is that you might have turned away a nice man, but it isn't. Your problem is that your ex treated you so badly you don't know up from down anymore or have a healthy sense of normal.

I knew a similar intense man. Charming, funny, great fun to be with......but highly manipulative, messed-up and was in my hair all time time. No sense of emotional boundaries despite me clearly saying I didn't want to spend all of my time with him. Thought it was fun to text me 4am one morning even though he knew it would wake me up. I think he tried to neg me too but I saw through it straight away.

He was being nice to you because he had a goal he was trying to achieve and I bet you that would have stopped once he thought he had you in his pocket.

Wondersense · 22/08/2020 22:02

Pat on your back *

hammie46i · 23/08/2020 02:53

@Penniesared

I think it’s certainly true that the first one was definitely nicer than this recent ex

It isn't nice to dangle money in front of someone and try to buy them. He doesn't sound normal or nice. Sorry.

I am dating someone who would be considered fairly wealthy but it never comes up and I have my own income. He doesn't use it as a way to ensnare me.

hammie46i · 23/08/2020 02:54

@Gingernaut

I so, so SO recommend the Freedom Programme

Seconded

Thirded.

Please don't date anyone else OP until you've taken some time to set your head on straight about men. You're very vulnerable to abusers right now.

Antibles · 23/08/2020 03:09

He would be annoyed if I didn’t want to spend a whole weekend with him...not massively annoyed but clearly irritated. He wanted to go on holiday ASAP and it made me hesitant. He could sometimes be patronising about my work (we worked in same discipline but different areas and he earned more so seemed to always have to know best). He’d often pay for things and then later on comment that he thought I was taking the piss

Plus he told you you'd regret it, and what a life he could give you?? He sounds awful!! You've dodged a bullet. You absolutely made the right decision.

DianaT1969 · 23/08/2020 03:41

Do you have obsessive thinking about other things too OP?
Imagine a female friend of yours had bought a washing machine that was nothing but trouble. Flooding, breaking down and barely usable. Imagine that she kept talking over and over again about her previous washing machine which also broke down a lot, but not as much. She really regrets getting rid of the old machine. Now imagine that she repeats herself incessantly about those machines. For hours at a time. Days and weeks.
What would you think OP?
You need to stay single until you get all the therapy you need and time to work on your thought patterns. Put some of the energy you channel into online dating and men into getting help. Into the Freedom Programme. Read all of the books and articles linked to. Stay away from OLD until you aren't obsessing and have got your self-esteem and boundaries back.
Forget any 'ticking clock' thoughts. The clock isn't real. Your belief in it is causing you to make poor judgements.

CatpissEverdine · 23/08/2020 08:46

Please stop panicking about being alone. Do as PP have suggested. 'Nice' man sounds like my ex who was a financially controlling bully who demanded that I was constantly available to him. He lovebombed me too. I see it all now and friends and family were so convinced by his manipulation that I thought I was going mad! Luckily I escaped.
'Nice' man's actions may seem comparitivly normal to you, but we can see - with perspective - that he is a total arse and you had a lucky break.

Wondersense · 23/08/2020 09:08

@Penniesared

And least the nice ex did want to settle down.

Yes I'm sure he did. Settle down with someone who he could abuse and who was willing to settle for his bullshit. A nicely decorated prison is just a prison with trimmings in it.

Original poster

Penniesared · 23/08/2020 09:44

I get what you’re saying but he was also:
Interested in my life and loved asking about my day
Supported me with any and all of my interests and was enthusiastic about things I enjoyed and my hobbies
Very emotionally available
Always checked I was home ok
Was there for me night or day

I feel these are unusual qualities to find and nobody is perfect. Wish I didn’t think of it so much

OP posts:

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