I’m tormenting myself and can’t stop

[Penniesared]

I’ve just come out of an absolutely awful relationship. He was not the man I thought he was, in lots of ways. He hid severe mental health issues from me and joined vulgar sites and had porn addiction I later found he was getting help for. He was not a nice person.

It’s thrown me into tormenting myself for breaking up with a very nice man a year or so before I met this recent ex. He was amazing to me but quite intense, which now I am interpreting as commitment rather than intensity. He would be annoyed if I didn’t want to spend a whole weekend with him...not massively annoyed but clearly irritated. He wanted to go on holiday ASAP and it made me hesitant. He could sometimes be patronising about my work (we worked in same discipline but different areas and he earned more so seemed to always have to know best). But he was kind to me. He’d often pay for things and then later on comment that he thought I was taking the piss (?) even though he suggested going out etc and would organise things himself without asking. These things sound so ridiculous in light of what my recent ex was like! And to be honest when I think back, I’m not sure why I ended things with the nice man, I just felt in the end that I didn’t love him. I wanted to and did try but I found him irritating and couldn’t fall in love..even after many months. I made the effort to see him and go to his place etc but it just felt something was missing. I’m pretty sure he didn’t have a temper but I did hear him get cross a couple of times and didn’t like it if i had to leave at a certain time etc though he wouldn’t force me to stay or anything, he wasn’t like that. I see this more as love and care now rather than being irritating...as a consequence of what my recent ex did which broke me with the lies and all manner of other things!

After what has happened recently with this nasty ex I am tying myself in knots asking myself why I ended it with the nice one. I’m not about to get in touch with him or anything but I just wish my head would stop spinning about it all. Did I fuck up with the nice man? Why am I thinking of him so much?!

And recent ex was literally none of those things!!

I think you should congratulate yourself because Nice Man was actually not that nice at all and your internal safety mechanism was actually working very well. You are just doubting yourself now that you have experienced a more obvious abusive relationship with the second man. For some reason, you did not recognise the signs as clearly and it is probably because his abuse came in a different form. Perhaps he was better at hiding his personality until you were invested in the relationship. I think PPs are right about getting to know your self and working out what a healthy relationship looks like

At 36 does that mean my chance of finding some is over. I feel broken.

Ok. That must feel painful and shit to admit but your focus is now on you rather than either of those men. That's a step in the right direction. Keep going that way. Good luck.

Hello. At 36 you have lots of time to find someone nice. What’s important is the finding someone nice, not when you do it. Don’t be pressured by society/the daily fail articles etc into settling with someone on a timescale. I met my DP at 40. Had DD at 42. He is a good, decent, supportive intelligent man and he loves me (and I fancy him!) I know the pressure you are under and how hard it is and how easy it is to reimagine exes as actually decent or right for you down the line when you’re single or when you’ve come out of something worse. Try not to doubt yourself about Man 1 - your instincts were telling you he wasn’t right, was controlling, manipulative, abusive. Who the hell tells someone ‘you’ll regret it’ when they finish with them? Even then he was trying to manipulate you into staying.

You have heaps of time. I got to a point where I thought - okay, maybe I won’t have kids. Maybe that won’t happen and can I be okay with that. Stopped putting myself under pressure, as soon as there were any red flags/dickish behaviour I was out of there. Freed me to find the right person... then have children.

Also i had a fertility MOT at about your age which I found helpful. Made me panic less.