I don’t know what to do. I have no ‘place’ :(

[Catswithtails]

Finding myself single mid thirties and living in a commuter town, I am so lost. We are on a work from home basis now indefinitely, unless we want to go in a couple of days a week. I feel like an idiot living here for no reason, no community, no ties, among very young professionals rather than people my age, next to a train station I will use very infrequently now. I have friends scattered all over the place so usually travel to see them and they travel to see me. None of them live round here and none of them are in the same place. Why I am even here? Me and ex dp planned to move on and buy somewhere to settle in. That’s down the pan so now I’m just here like some freak on my own.

I have nowhere to move to that I belong. The only other option is going more remote to where I grew up, closer to family, same distance from all my friends as I would be here. But then what? Just live in a little village and see my mum every few days? Would that even change how lost I feel. I don’t know.

My job takes up much of my life and I like it. I have hobbies that I enjoy etc but this is about where I live and belong. Which seems to be nowhere. At 35. I feel like a nothing person and don’t belong anywhere. I just don’t know what to do, it is like I am existing in this place with no real ties and no heart to it.

Could you move abroad? Sometimes moving abroad and being an ‘expat’ gives a sense of community, it can also help to evaluate where ‘home’ is in the U.K.

finewith I think that would make me feel more lost really.

Me and dp has plans to settle and buy somewhere together, that’s what I truly want and moving abroad seems far removed from being settled. I don’t know.

*ex dp!

Hi op. Did you move where you are with dp? Where did you move from?

Are there any community projects you could get involved with in your town? Walking groups, craft classes, dog walking meet-ups, even the local pub? Volunteering? A Facebook group for the town? There’s nothing wrong with being a single woman wherever you live, but it sounds like you’re disconnected from the local community and having some friends locally would help

Hi never

I moved here alone, from where I am from (rural village in midlands ish! So between a few cities). Me dp here, he moved in, we had plans to move out to a nicer area together. He’s left, it’s over and I’m just in this place with no connections.

staring there are things I could get involved with but where I am is very much a commuter place so lots of young professionals, nobody stays long. Down the road there is a bigger town but I don’t know anyone there and it’s bigger homes with families and a lot of people who are from the area. I feel like neither place is good to be at my stage in life - one is commuters heaven and the other is where families settle. I’m so lost.

I think it's an opportunity. I think if it was me I'd be looking at jobs in my field up and down the uk and deciding places I like the look of.

There's a job on the Scillies that comes up now and then in my field. I'd love to be footloose enough to take it!

Look at it this way - aren't you lucky you can choose to live anywhere you want?

It sounds as you have a reasonable expectation of a continuing income? And whether you're paying rent or mortgage it does sound as if, with a bit of determination, you could up sticks. So do that. What is there to stop you?

You don't have to move abroad if you love this particular job - but if you have gathered some experience could you consider branching out within the same industry? (Maybe not right now!)

Lockdown has been hard on most of us - but you sound ready to get out of your rut and move on.

What is stopping me is feeling like I don’t belong anywhere so where do I go?

I wanted to be more settled not less as time went on. Where do you even begin with something like this? I don’t see it as exciting really, more scary and lonely.

@nevernotstruggling
Our friends took a job in the Scillies about 3 years ago. They are having an amazing time.

Bless you. At this point it's really difficult. There is a method called solution focused brief therapy where you imagine if life was perfect and work backward from there. For example if it was me being by the seaside in somewhere quirky and full of character is really important and so on...

@Moonflower12 grrrrrr. I might look it up again!

Sorry pressed send too soon.

OP I think the idea of looking for a job in various areas and regarding it as a bit of an adventure is a good one.

I would have loved to have done this when I was footless and fancyfree.

never how does that work?

My ideal is a nice house with a garden, not too close to a city, with a family and a dog.

Not sure how to start with that being single at 36.

@nevernotstruggling
Do it!
Their quality of life has improved immensely especially in the work/life balance.

Could you rent your house out, then you can choose to rent somewhere different as a short to medium term solution. It’s a way of trying somewhere out.

I think you need to take a step back and think about what you want in say 2,5 and 10 years time. That should then help you think about where you want to be over the same timeframe.

For example, do you want to meet someone, get a new job, promotion, buy a house, children, see parents more etc. And what kind of area do you want to live in - city, village, town etc. Where do you need to be for good career opportunities, does that restrict you? What kind of hobbies do you like - eg outdoors may push you to more countryside locations.

It is hard though - I feel very settled where I am, but honestly really that’s because DH and kids are here too. I have no real ties to the city itself, family are elsewhere and could get a job elsewhere too. So I can see how you feel the way you do. Good luck!

When did your exDP move out OP? Have you fully dealt with the breakup? I’m wondering if this is more about him.

Hugs. I’m in a similar position though have a husband and children (they have Sen so we don’t tend to fit in with the parenting scene here). Ours is a commuter town. Husband is happy here, I’m not.

Have you looked at other places with more of a vibrant scene? Leeds, Manchester, Bristol etc? I’d love to go to Newcastle. What are you looking for where you live?

I started again completely when I got divorced. I did a lot of very calculated research, looking at where I wanted to live e.g culture, proximity to outdoor spaces, the general vibe of the place, plus house prices and what I could afford obvs.
In the end, I moved to a place I’d only been to a couple of times, and where I didn’t know a soul, but I knew I could have a nice life here. 5 years on, and I am, it’s all worked out.

I’d suggest you treat it as a project and think about the sort of place you want to live in and go from there. Lots of people move to new areas not knowing anybody so don’t let the lack of connection put you off - you can easily build this.

Ex moved out in March. I’ve not wanted to stay here long term ever really. When I moved here it was for work, then I met ex dp and he moved in. We started looking at places we’d move to and houses we liked. Then this happened with the break up and I’m here thinking wow why I am still in this house in this commuter town with no connections.

So it is about ex dp I guess but also I never had long term plans to stay here even before I met him.

I want to be more rural but does that kiss goodbye to finding a partner. It all feels lonely and scary.

Why don’t you stay with your mum for a few days, see how you like it there.
Have you tried to make friends in your area? Online - just friendship. I know it’s difficult due to COVID.
I don’t think it’s feasible to just keep moving around.

suzi my mum is where I grew up so I know the place well. It’s a nice place but about 45 mins to closest city.

I do know people in the area but they are either settled with families and from the area themselves or they are much younger professionals starting out. I don’t fit either really. I literally don’t belong anywhere.

I think you have two options:

1. Move to a big city where there's lots going on (less so at the moment obviously, but in theory). If you're single, 30s, no kids, you're still young enough for that lifestyle. Once the Covid nightmare subsides, go out, join things, meet people, form your community that way.

Or, at the other extreme:

1. Move to a village where there is an established community and lots of organised events etc. Make sure it's a place with decent transport connections, but throw yourself into local life. Don't worry if everyone you meet at first is older; once you're integrated into the community, you'll start to meet all their extended families etc too and it becomes a non-issue.

Obviously it depends what your interests are and whether you're a 'town' or 'country' kind of person at heart, but commuter towns and suburbia are a neither-one-thing-nor-the-other, soul-sucking nightmare IMO. I live in one too and can't wait to get out!