I don’t know what to do. I have no ‘place’ :(

[Catswithtails]

Finding myself single mid thirties and living in a commuter town, I am so lost. We are on a work from home basis now indefinitely, unless we want to go in a couple of days a week. I feel like an idiot living here for no reason, no community, no ties, among very young professionals rather than people my age, next to a train station I will use very infrequently now. I have friends scattered all over the place so usually travel to see them and they travel to see me. None of them live round here and none of them are in the same place. Why I am even here? Me and ex dp planned to move on and buy somewhere to settle in. That’s down the pan so now I’m just here like some freak on my own.

I have nowhere to move to that I belong. The only other option is going more remote to where I grew up, closer to family, same distance from all my friends as I would be here. But then what? Just live in a little village and see my mum every few days? Would that even change how lost I feel. I don’t know.

My job takes up much of my life and I like it. I have hobbies that I enjoy etc but this is about where I live and belong. Which seems to be nowhere. At 35. I feel like a nothing person and don’t belong anywhere. I just don’t know what to do, it is like I am existing in this place with no real ties and no heart to it.

I think that’s the thing, it’s neither one place or the other here. I am not a huge fan of city life so can’t imaging going closer to the city that’s for sure.

But moving further away almost feels like a one way ticket to single life forever. But maybe that’s very black and white thinking and panic. I would love some hills to climb on the doorstep and a little village shop. Just would have preferred to do it with someone :(

Do you do online dating?.

Get a dog. I got mine in lockdown and have still managed to make about 50 new friends because people talk to you when you have a dog. If you want one anyway now is a great time with you working from home and looking for more connections

I agree about the dog. I do understand your feeling, I have very little family and have often felt like I dont belong, less so now I have DCs.
If I was single with no kids I would get a dog. Good for exercise, mental health and for meeting others.
And think about where you would like to live whether its life events of nature which gives you joy and go from there.

I think you are mixing things together. You need to put first the life you want for you , rather than factoring in how likely you will meet somebody. There a thousands of unhappily single people living in busy cities! And people who live rurally meet other people and fall in love.

My advice is to first work out what your ideal place would be . Work it through in detail. Could you afford to buy, how would it affect you meeting up with friends , would you need a car etc etc. Really make yourself decide wants important to you. Then make just one step towards it . Fir example, over the next six weeks visit a different village each weekend to see if they appeal to you etc.

Throw yourself into what is probably the most important project in your life.

It sounds as if you need to move to anywhere but where you are now. If I were you, personally I would go back to your mother's area or somewhere new that you would love, e.g., rural area, overlooking a river or canal, or somewhere that ticks both boxes.
Is your relationship with your ex dp definitely over? I'm only asking this as there was a time when I got back with my ex, and it did actually work well.
I think once you've got your place in the world right, you may need to work on developing new routines and possibly relationships. Whether that be a new dog, developing new skills for work, hiking, travel, growing veg on an allotment, online dating, developing a regular routine that gets you out, fostering, adopting. It doesn't have to be a hunt for the love of your life and family all at once. You could choose something or two things that you want to focus on, bring some small new stimulation into your life.
I hope it works out for you.

Thanks for all the advice. Relationship with ex definitely over yes.

I agree that perhaps I need to be anywhere but here. I hate it here now, it went from a stepping stone to getting a good job to a place I feel stuck!

I know I don’t want to be in a city that’s certain.

I would love to be more rural but I do worry about how to meet someone. I’m 36 now.

Yes I online date. Well, I’ve just begun again. Don’t like it one bit.

I think you need to decide what YOU want. I moved where I am currently as I had gone through a very difficult time and moved nearer to my best friend. I've now been here 13 years.
Over that time I've had a few set backs and realised I want to be in certain place / town / village near my parents but it is 6 hours from here. So in the meantime, I settled down to knowing I can't move "right now" but will go in 3 years earliest and 5 years latest. So I'm working on my career, and "moveable hobbies". Eg Swimming, tennis club, bridge club etc

Why not book some weekends away in places you like the look of and treat it as an "explore the uk" projects for 1-2 years.

I should have added, sorry: I say this as someone who has moved and 'started over' multiple times. I sympathise fully with how you're feeling about not belonging, because I feel that way at the moment, living where I am now. To me, it's always a sign to make a fresh start, but if you'd rather not, then you could always see if your current town is perhaps one of the more active, community-minded ones (they do exist) and make a commitment to carving out a life for yourself there.

Wherever you go though, it requires a bit of proactive effort to find 'your people'. The PP who suggested moving abroad (which I've done too) is right in one respect - 'expat' life provides an instant sense of community, rapid friendships and a lifelong network of people who share your experiences, but unless you move abroad permanently then the reverse culture shock of returning can be VERY hard and can make you feel detached from this country entirely, not just one town or area. So I guess what I’m saying is you probably need to figure out whether it's location or people who provide a sense of 'place' for you. Sort out in your own mind which of these two you lean towards, and then take it from there.

It sounds more like the area isn't really an issue but not having a family etc as well as the isolation from WFH, Covid and breaking up with your bf and life not being what you expected. If you can afford to why not book some Airbnb up and take some weekends visiting other areas of the country, looking at what they offer socially and whether you would be happy to live there.
Get a dog for company, you'll make friends and branch out at dog training and no one will bat an eyelid when your out walking him and it'll make you get out and about so you can explore different areas.

I've been single for the long haul (over a decade) as I had Dd at 23 and chose not to date. I moved back to my home town, it's OK near a nice beach and I've started to develop a career completely different to what I was intending to do before Dd came along. I often feel lost because its not where I expected my life to be and I think it's that bereavement of our expectations that gives us that lost feeling.

I know what you mean. I can go in to the office unlike most (for now) but I have not seen a single friend since before the lockdown (one walk I think) and it makes me realise that I don't have strong connections to this town. Connections, habits, familiarity, but not close ties. I might as well move to a more rural location and enjoy a bit of luxury in a nicer home. When all of this is over.

Hi Op, my heart goes out to you. I find myself in a similar situation and can certainly relate to the feeling of not having a 'place' where I belong. What I can say is that, with the passage of time since my breakup, although the feeling of not belonging hasn't gone away, it's become much less poignant.

@Catswithtails if you are pretty sure you want to be Rural, maybe try Muddy Matches dating?

I think you need to move but not necessarily back to were brought up. Having said that if work allows then I don't be a bad idea to move a little closer to your mum or friends either - it would maybe help you feel a little less distanced from them.

I think you need to look at places that you would like to live.
Somewhere you can go for nice walks or where there is a community you can be part of.

You sound lonesome, I have lived several different places, abroad twice and you know different place, different culture, interesting at first but the day to day is you. Same everywhere. You can change the place, but it’s still just you and the way you feel, a different address does not change that. This is a great opportunity really. You could pick anywhere in the world that appeals to you on face value. Or you could move back near your mam but closer to the city if your job is transferable enough. Don’t worry about meeting someone if you move more rural. I think it gives you a better chance actually because they may be more of your mindset.

If you move to some where with hills on the doorstep, there will be bound to be some sort of walking/rambling clubs that you could link up with so you're not walking alone, and you might meet some lovely people to become friends with.

Op I think this thread isn't really about where to move to and how to belong- it sounds to me like you're in the stage of just having really hurt feelings, sadness, and fear of the future.

I'm saying that because as folk come here to give you practical advice, you may feel very frustrated and misunderstood as you read it. Because I think you may need some time and space today to feel absolutely shit and scared, if that makes sense. Maybe tomorrow will be the day to make a plan to change things.

Its OK to lie in a bath, eat chocolate and cry about life for a day or so. In my experience, taking the time to do that makes it easier and more natural to make a plan to change things, once you've got that out of the way.

You are catastrophizing and definitely lots of black and white thinking, but you know, thats allowed. Take some time to allow it, and try not to let it freak you out.

Something that has helped me in the past is writing down everything that I'm feeling, and especially what I'm scared will happen. Maybe try that today. This thread may serve that purpose as well, I've done threads here that have helped in that way.

Once the emotions have run their course, you could start a thread in Chat for suggestions about how to change your life. Just an idea.

Best wishes to you. I went through this when I divorced as well, it is a hard thing xx

You need to get over your ex before you will know where you want to live. You need to get over your ex before you meet a new partner. Just take time to heal and breath and it should eventually become obvious where you should be. If you really don't like where you are you could try somewhere else for a bit. It doesn't have to be where you'll stay for ever.

What about moving somewhere fun like Brighton? Loads of groups to join. Sounds like you need some hobbies. Get out and make friends. Join a gym. Join a running club. Hiking club. Have you looked at the meet-up website for your town? Online dating right now will just make you feel rubbish. Get involved in social things. My friend learnt an instrument and joined a local orchestra. How about something like that?

Or, if you have the freedom, go on a singles holiday. I am thinking of that as soon as my teens are old enough to leave alone. I don't really care where I go or what I see, the object of the exercise would be to make me braver. I know I need to be more confident just joining things, talking to people first. When I come back, with all my new bravery on board....... I will join something locally.

Maybe this is a chance for you to re-evaluate what you really want out of life. You like your job, but you're feeling a need for there to be more out of your personal life. Would this be a good time to have a think about a) where you would see yourself living longer-term and b) what kinds of personal relationships you would like to build from hereon in, perhaps on a local level so that you're more fulfilled in the place you live and in the community.

Also I note you mentioned your ex. Sounds like there's some feelings about this separation that you need to deal with. Then you can begin re-shaping your personal life.

Go travel and find yourself. There is nothing more enriching to the soul!

Thanks for the posts. I have a lot of hobbies and I have done the whole single travelling thing.

What I want most is to settle down and have a life with someone and build a future. Aside from that I enjoy my job and would like to be more rural and get a pet! But obviously I am hesitant about it and whether that will limit meeting someone.

It makes it sound like my life is all about finding a man...but the thing is I have everything else and I’ve done the single life many times over. Sorry for whining

I feel the exact same OP. Except I have a DH I don’t love and two kids. I’d love to be footloose and free to move to a location I’d love to live in.
I’d start by moving close to the sea. People who live by the sea are less transient and there is a greater chance to become part of the community, if that is what you’d like. The other thing is people love to visit the sea, so your friends would be more inclined to stay longer. Like the location you are in so it isn’t a mere commuter belt and you like being there. That is what I’d do.