Is this normal behaviour from DH?

[moptop99]

I have been with my DH for 23 years and struggling in lots of ways with our marriage at the moment. I am in counselling and trying to pick apart various things in our relationship and future to see how I can either leave or make it work better (it has to be one or the other as I can't continue as things are). One of the issues I have I don't feel I can talk to my counsellor about is about the sex side of stuff. I think we have a fairly normal sex life (I know different for everyone). When we have sex he is very giving and wants me to enjoy it. The problem is his sexual behaviour in everyday life. It hasn't always been like this but has been for a number of years. I am fine with a bum squeeze etc as he is passing but he takes it too far. He will do things like "dry hump/take me from behind" or if I have my hands full in the kitchen (so I feel a bit helpless) he will come in and just start pulling my knickers down and trying to touch me. I have told him I don't like it. He will then say "can't I touch my wife?" We have teenage children in the house and that doesn't stop him either. He was just randomly say things like "why don't you let me come in your mouth anymore?" in a jokey way or other sexual things. For the things he says I will just ignore him or change the subject and then I get accused of not speaking to him. It's like so much of our conversation is just random sexual stuff that I don't want to engage with. Sometime he will just get his c**k out in the middle of the room (I might be working on my laptop or reading) and he will say "don't ignore me). If he is feeling randy he will say something like "I'm hungry" or "my balls are full" I do some 1:2:1 work in my profession with men and he will say "are you going out to get bummed by xxxx again" a double insult as it makes me sound like a prostitute and he doesn't work (another bone of contention). If I try to brooch these things I am either over-reacting, can't take a joke or being a prude. He would never force me to do anything in the bedroom I didn't want but doesn't see this as a problem. I find it such a turn off I starting to not want to have sex at all. I know there is perhaps a huge range of "normal" in the sexual department but would love others opinions or experiences. We have been together since I was 20, I had slept with other people before this but really he is my only adult relationship and I definitely can't ask my friends about this.

He sounds gross

Love him or not, I'd have lost all respect for him a long time ago, and that in itself would have killed the relationship dead for me. I don't know how anyone would come back from this. Doesn't work, sees women as sex objects, completely disrespectful. He sounds utterly nauseating and I'd have chopped his cock off long ago.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

I wonder whether he has developed a porn habit which has helped him begin objectifying your body as an item for his pleasure.

Re the porn thing - I know there was time quite a few years ago when he was watching a lot of porn. But this really was quite a long time ago (maybe 8 - 9 years ago if not more) and I really don't think he is now. It's sort of crept up slowly to this current situation.

What is actually wrong with being unable to take a 'joke' or being a prude? How did you get to being afraid or defensive that you are a prude? There is nothing wrong with that, if that is how you feel.

What is wrong however is that your partner is doing things that make you feel utterly uncomfortable. Why you feel uncomfortable isn't up for discussion. It is how you feel and you are entitled to feel it irrespective of what he wants to call it. You do not have to enter his narrative and be ashamed for feeling that way. If he acts the 'wounded soldier' well, then he does. You don't have to play his game with him in his world.

There is a boundary around everyone, and you do not have to constantly find where his boundaries are and look after them for him whilst scrubbing out your own. You need to find your own and live in them instead.

Turn this round. One person is persistently doing something sexually that the other person dislikes and has said no to. One person is constantly stating that his sexual impulses and compulsions are more important than the other's wishes. This is a man who has no interest in your wellbeing or happiness but only his own. This is sexual abuse.

I think OP that it’s very easy to try and ignore because you don’t want to create a bad atmosphere/rock the boat— but I think this has reached the point of no return and you are going to have to be really brave and have it out. Nope, he can’t just touch you randomly whenever he feels like it simply because you are his wife, no you don’t like all conversations to have sexual innuendo or an implication you should always be up for it— and actually you are finding him a grade A sleaze and it’s a huge turn off— that should bring things to a head one way or the other