Is this normal behaviour from DH?

[moptop99]

I have been with my DH for 23 years and struggling in lots of ways with our marriage at the moment. I am in counselling and trying to pick apart various things in our relationship and future to see how I can either leave or make it work better (it has to be one or the other as I can't continue as things are). One of the issues I have I don't feel I can talk to my counsellor about is about the sex side of stuff. I think we have a fairly normal sex life (I know different for everyone). When we have sex he is very giving and wants me to enjoy it. The problem is his sexual behaviour in everyday life. It hasn't always been like this but has been for a number of years. I am fine with a bum squeeze etc as he is passing but he takes it too far. He will do things like "dry hump/take me from behind" or if I have my hands full in the kitchen (so I feel a bit helpless) he will come in and just start pulling my knickers down and trying to touch me. I have told him I don't like it. He will then say "can't I touch my wife?" We have teenage children in the house and that doesn't stop him either. He was just randomly say things like "why don't you let me come in your mouth anymore?" in a jokey way or other sexual things. For the things he says I will just ignore him or change the subject and then I get accused of not speaking to him. It's like so much of our conversation is just random sexual stuff that I don't want to engage with. Sometime he will just get his c**k out in the middle of the room (I might be working on my laptop or reading) and he will say "don't ignore me). If he is feeling randy he will say something like "I'm hungry" or "my balls are full" I do some 1:2:1 work in my profession with men and he will say "are you going out to get bummed by xxxx again" a double insult as it makes me sound like a prostitute and he doesn't work (another bone of contention). If I try to brooch these things I am either over-reacting, can't take a joke or being a prude. He would never force me to do anything in the bedroom I didn't want but doesn't see this as a problem. I find it such a turn off I starting to not want to have sex at all. I know there is perhaps a huge range of "normal" in the sexual department but would love others opinions or experiences. We have been together since I was 20, I had slept with other people before this but really he is my only adult relationship and I definitely can't ask my friends about this.

You're not an idiot. You're being abused and are afraid of upsetting him.

Please use your sessions to talk about this and make a plan to leave.

OP you're not an idiot. I also think you're being manipulated. It sounds like he's using his depression as a way to get you to do what he wants without complaint.

@LockdownLump
I wouldn't suggest that saying dementia provides an excuse for the behavior but might be a cause.

An excuse suggests one would accept the behavior and let it carry on, whilst identifying the cause may allow the problem to be addressed or minimised with the appropriate treatment.

So you please/appease him at YOUR expense? Sod that, you’ve done that far too long, it’s high time you put what YOU WANT FIRST, and if he’s not pleased he can go and cock-lodge elsewhere (under a stone under a bridge at the far edge of humanity)

Get one of those big plastic fly swatters. Few twats with that should jolt him out of acting like a randy teenager..

It’s not your fault he is over sexed and views you as a sex toy he can play with whenever he wants.

Absolutely not your fault.

You sound like a good decent person who does her best.

Tell your counsellor about it. They’ve heard it all before and are very understanding. They can really help.

Eugh, how desperately unattractive! As if you have sex with him at all.

Does he know how cringe worthy, immature and off putting his behaviour is?

So you're being sexually objectified by your layabout husband who frankly has a vulgar
mouth, sexually assaults you openly even with your children in the house.

And your questioning whether to leave or stay.

THIS ISN'T NORMAL

@sycamorecottage

No, that's not normal. He's a sex pest, and I'd have brained him with a frying pan by now!

All of this.

*you're

This is not normal at all. He sounds fucking vile. It's actually quite disgusting to read how he behaves. He is objectifying and sexually harassing you. You deserve to be treated with respect. I really hope your children aren't witnessing any of this.

Also, my experience of depression (both men and women) is they often don't want sex are extremely withdrawn. Libido can be seriously affected. It seems like that is an excuse and a very bad one at that! You say he's been like this for several years, so is he proclaiming to have been also depressed for several years.

You’re not an idiot. You’re a strong woman. But he sounds like an entitled prick - for one thing, why doesn’t he work? Has he been an SAHP or has he left most of the parenting to you also?

Anyway, you’re fully entitled to say enough is enough.

What do you want to have happen next?

@moptop99 you haven’t “let” it happen. He is the one choosing to do these awful things. My DH would never in a billion years do these things. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and that should be obvious to him given he’s never done it in front of another person. The fact that you are massively uncomfortable and have never reciprocated or enjoyed any of these experiences should be enough, you shouldn’t have to say things more strongly, there shouldn’t be any need to be a conversation. The fact that he twists it round on you at the drop of the hat just shows you he already knows he’s in the wrong.

Please keep talking to your therapist, or find a new one if you don’t feel comfortable talking about sex to them, or give relate a call.

Sadly in my experience this behaviour escalated, so I would really encourage you to end this safely as soon as possible. And ask yourself, do you actually want to have sex with him, or are you just doing it because it’s easier than dealing with all of this other horrendous behaviour?

Cock lodging sex pest

In four words.

Why doesn't he work?

His behaviour is weird, inappropriate and v uncomfortable (and tbh I'm quite vulgar and not remotely prudish).

He also seems to have a tremendous level of entitlement re sex (or is that sexual services?). He must be v satisfied with himself that he's found sex not, domestic bot and worker/provider bot all in one.

Healthy adults are aware that you don't sexually assault people or expose your genitals when children are around

This.

“In your mouth”

That is never normal.

I second the suspicion he's a porn hound too - probably sitting around wanking while you're out bringing home the bacon.

You can be happy and successful in your personal life too, you just need to realise that you don't have to put up with your husband's deviant behaviour for one more second.

Personally I would ask him to leave, although that's not as easy as it sounds.

Confront him, tell him openly and honestly exactly how his behaviour affects you, how revolting you find it, how disgusting he is. Don't accept any excuses. Don't be fobbed off and allow him to be the injured party.

@Marpan
It is for lots of people

OP I feel for you. I would try and explore it with your counsellor. I think you need to be honest with your husband about how you feel. Is he insecure and looking for ways to know that you still want him?
It does sound strange behaviour. I love a bit of innuendo etc but this would make me uncomfortable with teenagers in the house.

Oh OP.
That sounds horrific.

Talk to your counsellor and don't bother your arse trying to make it work with this perverted waster.

Get rid.

Sorry this is not acceptable.

Cock lodging sex pest

To sum up tbh. Do you love him?

You are not a prude . And it is not acceptable. My OH used to do milder version of this and I told him it was like living with a pervy benny hill . It’s a definite turn off . Luckily he stopped . It’s a simple as you don’t like it , it’s not funny , and it puts you off sex so he should stop.