Is this normal behaviour from DH?

[moptop99]

I have been with my DH for 23 years and struggling in lots of ways with our marriage at the moment. I am in counselling and trying to pick apart various things in our relationship and future to see how I can either leave or make it work better (it has to be one or the other as I can't continue as things are). One of the issues I have I don't feel I can talk to my counsellor about is about the sex side of stuff. I think we have a fairly normal sex life (I know different for everyone). When we have sex he is very giving and wants me to enjoy it. The problem is his sexual behaviour in everyday life. It hasn't always been like this but has been for a number of years. I am fine with a bum squeeze etc as he is passing but he takes it too far. He will do things like "dry hump/take me from behind" or if I have my hands full in the kitchen (so I feel a bit helpless) he will come in and just start pulling my knickers down and trying to touch me. I have told him I don't like it. He will then say "can't I touch my wife?" We have teenage children in the house and that doesn't stop him either. He was just randomly say things like "why don't you let me come in your mouth anymore?" in a jokey way or other sexual things. For the things he says I will just ignore him or change the subject and then I get accused of not speaking to him. It's like so much of our conversation is just random sexual stuff that I don't want to engage with. Sometime he will just get his c**k out in the middle of the room (I might be working on my laptop or reading) and he will say "don't ignore me). If he is feeling randy he will say something like "I'm hungry" or "my balls are full" I do some 1:2:1 work in my profession with men and he will say "are you going out to get bummed by xxxx again" a double insult as it makes me sound like a prostitute and he doesn't work (another bone of contention). If I try to brooch these things I am either over-reacting, can't take a joke or being a prude. He would never force me to do anything in the bedroom I didn't want but doesn't see this as a problem. I find it such a turn off I starting to not want to have sex at all. I know there is perhaps a huge range of "normal" in the sexual department but would love others opinions or experiences. We have been together since I was 20, I had slept with other people before this but really he is my only adult relationship and I definitely can't ask my friends about this.

If he doesn't do it in front of the children the he knows exactly what he is doing. Would he do it in the middle of a supermarket? He is getting off by watching you squirm, it's disgusting and he's an abusive man.

People are asking if there's a medical problem because the behaviour started out of the blue and is completely inappropriate. Healthy adults are aware that you don't sexually assault people or expose your genitals when children are around.

OP this has been going on for years and there is no medical reason. Given that you've now said he's also controlling ie you do everything he wants and he doesn't like you to do out; he's abusive. Abusers tend to escalate their behaviour, this means that their behaviour gets worse. He's currently sexually assaulting you on a regular basis and you have no idea whatsoever if he's escalate to rape and I wouldn't hang around to find out.

I'd also be concerned about his behaviour around the children, as he has no compunction about sexually assaulting you or exposing himself when they are around. I'd bet my house he has a heavy porn habit as well.

He randomly gets his cock out? Gropes you and makes lewd comments? What a vile, horrible man.

This is most definitely not ok, not normal, disgusting and totally disrespectful behaviour.

Don't put up with it; just dump him. You can do better and you deserve better.

I would probably leave him based on this behaviour alone. It is not normal.

How revolting-he’s a second pest.

Why doesn’t he work?

He is making you do sexual things you do not consent to, just because it isn’t penetrative sex doesn’t mean it isn’t sexual acts against your consent. If any of these things were being done to you in public by a stranger would you hesitate to call the police? Flashing, non consensual touch, sexually harassing language are all abusive behaviour. Seems to enjoy making your feel incredibly uncomfortable and violated. He doesn’t talk to you like you’re his wife, he talks to you like you’re an object. The things he are saying are disgusting, I think maybe step back and imagine someone doing and saying these things to one of your teenage children if they were in a relationship and how you might feel.

Your therapist cannot support you if you do not tell them what is happening, but I cannot see there being any help for this relationship. I’m hardly ever in the LTB camp but I cannot see how there’s a way back from this, especially not without him moving out, couples therapy and a serious personality transplant. I’m not going to hypothesise on why he is like this because there’s no excuse for it (Dementia seems an extreme diagnosis) and no reason why you should tolerate it whatever the reason.

You deserve so much better.

Nope... Not normal at all..

Eww he sound disgusting definitely speak to your counsellor about this and get rid of him

Why doesn’t he work?

From Refuge’s website:

“Sexual violence can include:

Pressuring or forcing someone to do something sexual
Touching someone sexually without their permission
Unwanted sexting – sending sexually explicit texts and images to someone without their consent
Unwanted sexual attention – for example ‘wolf-whistling’ and making sexualised comments about women’s bodies”

There’s nothing that’s less of a turn on than this kind of behaviour, and he sounds like an extreme case 🤮

Christ, why the jump to dementia

It seems to be the Mumsnet go to, in order to make excuses for mens bad behaviour.

Yuk, this sounds repulsive and makes my vagina sew itself shut just hearing of it. It’s one thing if you’d told him and he stopped but the ignoring of your wishes is disturbing. As is the phrase ‘can’t I touch my wife’ - seems that he believes in conjugal rights and that you are property of his. Unless some straight conversations could set that right, I would be considering the future of the relationship. Sorry you are going through this

Yuck. I could not live like this but I would have stormed out years ago!

Ultimately I imagine he won’t change But for now I don’t think you should ignore it or change the subject any more, I think that you should address it head on each and every time. It should be crystal clear to him that every instance of this behaviour is a stepping stone to divorce.

Not normal and abuse.

Use your counselling to leave!

Its sad that you had to ask, that for one moment you might have felt this was ok or normal - you sound like your boundaries are pretty low. And not surprising if you've put up with this for any length of time.

I agree with everyone else, its is an expression of abuse, and you do need to plan to leave. If you cannot confide this to your counsellor then get a new counsellor - if you don't give them this information how can they help you? You can do a Relate session over the phone wherein you discuss how to leave a relationship rather than about trying to fix things because I'd say there is nothing left here to fix - he despises you and has no respect for the kids either.

Whats the situation with the house OP? how old are the kids - can you ask him to leave, does he have family he can go to? Legal advice next step. I think you've been brave to raise this on here and glad you did, so you can take the next step to get away from this pervert.

Nope. That’s the behaviour of an over sexed randy teenage boy. Not a grown man who respects his wife.

You are obviously just a possession to him. The can’t I touch my wife comment proves it. You have a wedding ring therefore you are his possession and he expects you to act it. It’s like it’s out if the goodness of his heart he doesn’t ‘make’ you do stuff you don’t want to. Huh. Cheek of it.

He’s horrible. My vajayjay just clamped shut at the thought of some know flapping his cock about my face while I’m trying to work. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I’d be looking to leave. He’s watching too much porn. He’s needing to get his meds rebalanced and get a job to keep him busy and contributing to society. Wanking to porn isn’t a valid use of his time when you are having to work.

Have a convo about how you feel and get him to his gp for some bromide lol

This is sexual abuse. And where there is one type of abuse there are always others.

If you can't talk about this to your counsellor you should write it down

It’s not normal. He is sexually assaulting you and I would urge you to please talk to your councillor about this

This sounds like my STBEXH, always making lewd comments, touching me, especially when I’m in the middle of doing something so it’s difficult to get away. Then I’d get accused of being boring or an old woman. It’s only part of why I’ve left him, but it’s extremely unattractive and I stopped wanting to have sex at all. Even now, while we are living in the same house separately while we sort finances out, he keeps hinting that we should have break up sex. I bought some satsumas yesterday, which are called easy peelers and when he saw them on the side, he said it was a pity my knickers aren’t as easy!
So no it’s not normal and you don’t have to put up with it, my H is emotionally abusive and controlling in other ways which has made me leave. You need to tell your counsellor, I know it’s hard but you’re not the one with the unacceptable behaviour.

I just re read your OP and I feel physically sick. I think you should consider going to the police as well as leaving. What you describe him doing when you cannot push him away is just horrific. I really hope you are OK. I know what it’s like to be in a relationship similar to this (I was 17/18 when it started but managed to leave at 21) so I can honestly tell you there is so much more to life. Your kids are growing up fast and you’d be a lot happier without living under the shadow of worrying what awful thing he’s going to say or do next. I cannot imagine that his attitude towards you at the very least isn’t having an impact on your children and how they see relationships. This is a very important time for them to see what healthy relationships and boundaries look like so please show them you respect yourself and that they should to.

Really hope you’re ok.

I hope you're ok OP, this behaviour is totally vile and abusive. I think people have suggested dementia and / or neurological damage because it is so extreme and unacceptable. It is very likely your children have at least an idea of his behaviour. I could not live like this.

Nope, not normal. He's not seeing you as a human being with your own wishes or needs, he's seeing you as an sex object. I wouldn't want to be having sex with him either.

I feel like such a mug that I don't voice strongly enough how I feel about this (and other things) in case I upset him. He would act like the wounded soldier and I would be the wicked witch. What kind of idiot am I? There are so many things about our relationship I am not happy about but I have let all of this happen by always wanting to be the happy calm person and never the nag. I hate how pathetic I feel when in other areas of my life I am happy, confident and successful :(

Don't feel like a mug, you are a decent person and he is manipulating you. Most people do not behave like he is and wanting a normal calm life is not a crime. It does not look like you can have that with him though. Get angry, that will energise you.