"Marriage is hard work" - do you agree?

[GoGoGadgetShoes]

Hello all,
This is something I've been mulling over for a while, since I decided to separate from my STBXH last year.

You hear this a lot - in the press, on TV, in advice columns and anecdotes from friends and family, in wedding and anniversary speeches... "Marriage is hard work."

I don't disagree but I realise that with this statement comes the notion that we should endure, or even suffer bad times, that those who leave their marriages somehow haven't worked hard enough.

It's the reason why I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for so long, as I completely bought into the notion that marriage is supposed to be difficult.

It's very hard to get away from this mindset and I wonder how many others are staying in abusive or dysfunctional relationships because they have been conditioned to believe this as the absolute truth.

My epiphany came during my first solo counselling session when I realised I wanted to split and the counsellor told me "marriage is not meant to be an endurance test".

I'd be interested to hear others' thoughts!

No, i don't agree with this at all. Marriages can have hard patches. They shouldn't be hard work. If you're having to work hard at it all the time, then it isn't really working.

No, I always get confused when people say you have to work at a marriage. Compromise yes, work no. If I ever felt it was work I would be out!

I agree that marriage is something you need to work at but it shouldn’t be hard work. It will have hard parts as most relationships do but it should make you miserable or have to endure bad behaviour.

It’s like practicing the piano. You do a bit every day and it gets better and better plus you enjoy the process.

The problem is that every marriage is different. I think better advice is that no marriage is perfect. So people realise that some disagreements and rough patches are normal. But generally, the good should outweigh the bad.

You've got to remember though, it was only a few generations ago that getting divorced was the worst thing someone could do. Even my parents who are in their 70s and pretty liberal in their thinking have the mentality of you only get divorced if someone is getting assaulted. 🤦‍♀️

I agree op. That's what kept me there for so long too.

I think it depends. I'm naturally introverted and had a difficult childhood and it's hard for me to trust people. So every relationship is hard work for me.

But I don't resent having to compromise and hold my tongue and be less abrasive when it comes to my husband because he is lovely. Any time I have to sacrifice something or do something hard, it's not as difficult as it might be with someone else.

If you're both happy easy-going people, I don't think it should be hard work

Marriage has ups and downs, and when you're in a 'down' you can't give up too easily, you need to put the effort in to get back on track. If it's hard work all the time then that's not right.

I think marriages involve work but it’s not necessarily hard work. It takes effort (aka work) to keep a relationship going when you’re busy, tired, have all the domestic drudgery to work out, DC taking a lot of your joint time. It also feels worth the extra effort for me though; even when all I want to do is stare at the tv in silence in the evenings it’s always (mostly anyway) better to dredge up the energy to engage and connect with my DH even if it’s only 10 minutes.

Well I guess it depends how your life goes. But yes, if bad things happen I think it can add extra weight to a marriage and make things hard going.

My marriage was easy for 20 years. Then there was some hard work to be done, which, in different ways, both of us neglected.

My long marriage is making me confront my own problems.

No I don't agree. Being married should feel great. Being married should enhance your lives.

I think it depends how the phrase is used.
I usually use/hear it when im mildly annoyed with DH for doing something and complain about it to a friend.
Sigh DH forgot xyz last night.. so annoying!
Friend: oh yea i hate when they do that. My DH keeps forgetting xyz.
Me: marriage is hard! In a lighthearted way.

I would never use it as advice for actual relationship problems, because its definitely not supposed to be hard work all the time.

I’ve had one marriage that was hard work, I left and ditched several “friends” who told me I hadn’t tried hard enough, even when they found out how abusive he’d been. You can only wonder at how shit theirs must have been... And I’m in another that is no work at all. Being married to my husband makes everything easier. Life can be hard and we’ve dealt with some tough times but having him by my side, sharing the highs and lows that other factors create, makes things easier, better, more joyful.

We’ve got friends whose marriage has been getting worse for a few years to the point they now eye roll at each other in public, sigh, huff, criticise and nit pick at each other and it’s exhausting to be around. No kids, no money worries, two good jobs, two lots of supportive family, loads of shared and separate friends, nice house, no health issues, no infidelity. Fucking clueless as to why they’re still doing this to themselves! And she’s told me so many times that she’s miserable but marriage is hard and it’s normal to spend years hating your husband and merrily listing his faults in front of mutual friends. I’ve told her it’s bollocks and to please please PLEASE get a bloody divorce. He’s as miserable, they’re equally snippy and unpleasant to each other, and I don’t know if it’s because she’s told him that all married couples are unhappy or if something else is keeping him there. We’re genuinely not. There’s no front or public face, we and quite a lot of other couples we know are happy, content, in stable mutually supportive and nurturing relationships.

It shouldn’t be hard. If it’s so hard you’re miserable then just end it. There are no prizes for suffering! If you have children they certainly won’t thank you for enduring on their behalf.

I don't agree that marriage is hard work. I totally disagree with the notion. Marriage is supposed to enhance your life. Each person is supposed to feel that there life is better with it than without it.

I think that people who say it is hard work fall into two camps. The first are in and have seen bad marriages and relationships. They are usually the people who hold on the stereotypes rather than see others as individuals. They also say things like 'Thats just women, isn't it?' or 'Men eh, what are they like?!'.

The second group are people who actually mean 'Making a good marriage takes active participation'. In other words it isn't a passive thing that is created on your wedding day but rather something you constantly do. But they don't seem to appreciate the damage they are doing by using the wrong phrasing.

I prefer -
'marriage is a verb not a noun' or
'marriage is a choice you make every day'

Yes, I believe marriage can be hard work if both or one is facing challenges.

I discovered my spouse was unfaithful nearly two years ago and for the first year, just functioning, working, raising the children, looking after my mental health, enduring marriage counselling was bloody hard work. It took every part of me and I was sure I would not survive. Yes, it was my choice to stay and I did so for a number of reasons.

Today, it is not hard work as I am no longer invested in our marriage. I cook, clean, do family day trips, laugh, have fun, have sex but I do not love him in the same way. My confidence has returned and I have switched off so to speak. I can now see there was nothing wrong with me, it was his failure. I have not ruled out leaving dh or meeting someone else (I had an emotional affair). Dh knows this and it petrifies him.

Not the life I had planned at all but we cannot afford to run two households at present. Also I do not want my dc living apart from their father.

An affair is a bit more than a “challenge” to most people Faith.

I think I read about your situation before, it’s genuinely tragic.

You’re staying for you. Your kids know things aren’t right.

No. My job is hard work. I have to do it to feed, clothe and house myself. If my marriage was hard work, I’d be questioning the point of it.

I think there is more pressure to make it work because you've gone through the marriage process and that's a good thing - you're less likely just to end the relationship on a whim/over minor trivial things. But obviously that doesn't account for marrying people who are very wrong for you but that's what happens when you rush into it

There is a reason why more non married relationships breakdown than married one

No marriage shouldn’t be hard work. Mine isn’t. It is the best thing in my life.

My previous one was hell. I got out because that isn’t what I wanted for my life. We have one shot at life, I won’t compromise on it.

Yes, I do think close relationships in general have felt like 'hard work' to me. I think that I had been doing things which don't create to another person. Now I'm beginning to realise that they don't have to be hard work, if you have the right skills.

The bit of becoming self aware, and changing the way you are acting, which feels like 'work' until it becomes a habit.

A lot of the problem behaviours I think come from to each person’s (built-in & learned) levels of some of the Big Five personality traits

• Neuroticism (anxiety/emotional reactivity)
• Agreeableness (patience, cheerfulness, helpfulness, etc)
• The contrast between your natural level of Extraversion compared to that of your partner’s. (Extraverts seek connection/social stimulation and Introverts get much more quickly overwhelmed with it)

So the work bit I think, is moderating your own Neuroticism, increasing your Agreeableness and learning techniques to not overstimulate your partner (if you are an extravert) and not abandon your partner (if you are an introvert).

One thing that strikes me is during dating we are able to act very agreeably, match our extraversion to our partner, keep our negative reactivity low. So we can do it, but we become lazy and don’t have the energy of the early stages. So that is the ‘work’, getting back to being that appealing person we were during dating, but having learned all of the darker truths of each other.

See also :
After a while of living together, every couple begins facing a lot of pain. What they are doing isn’t working in many ways, and life together is not only not fun but has become down right uncomfortable. They have three options: quit and split, give up trying, get to work.

Getting to Work

No, it hasn't been for us at all. But we've been through some tough times together over the years, and I'd say that life itself is just hard work.

A long marriage has ups and downs and it won't always be sunshine and roses, of course not. I think that phrase can be interpreted in different ways. For me, my marriage is not a transactional relationship, it is a sincere commitment to share my life and create a family. We are not in it for what we can get out of it, but a shared love and commitment. That commitment means we don't bail through the bad times (bereavement, redundancy, menopause etc).

Maybe the problem is if it feels like one of you is doing all the work? It needs to be a shared endeavour.

No I don't agree and have never understood that phrase.

I have been happily married for 40 years and have not found it hard work in the slightest. Yes of course we have had a few rough patches but we still did not have to "work at" our relationship.

We enjoy being married, being together, doings things, talking etc. If we had to work at making it happy I am not sure we would bother

DancingCatGif I think had it right: If you're both happy easy-going people, I don't think it should be hard work.

And the point is, are you both? And if not , can you learn to be accepting and loving towards each other? Can you learn to create goodwill in the other, such that the introvert doesn't shout at you to go away when they are overwhelmed, but instead looks at your craving for attention with a patient smile?

I prefer - 'marriage is a verb not a noun'.

Marriage absolutely categorically is a noun, and only a noun. It can never be a verb.