"Marriage is hard work" - do you agree?

[GoGoGadgetShoes]

Hello all,
This is something I've been mulling over for a while, since I decided to separate from my STBXH last year.

You hear this a lot - in the press, on TV, in advice columns and anecdotes from friends and family, in wedding and anniversary speeches... "Marriage is hard work."

I don't disagree but I realise that with this statement comes the notion that we should endure, or even suffer bad times, that those who leave their marriages somehow haven't worked hard enough.

It's the reason why I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for so long, as I completely bought into the notion that marriage is supposed to be difficult.

It's very hard to get away from this mindset and I wonder how many others are staying in abusive or dysfunctional relationships because they have been conditioned to believe this as the absolute truth.

My epiphany came during my first solo counselling session when I realised I wanted to split and the counsellor told me "marriage is not meant to be an endurance test".

I'd be interested to hear others' thoughts!

Mine was certainly hard work. Much harder than is reasonable think. Hence why it's over.

I don't agree. Marriage shouldn't be work, let alone hard work. If it was then I'd think I'd married the wrong person! Of course we have the odd disagreement but it never lasts long and I've never felt I'm having to "work" at being married Life is too short to have to work at being with the person you should feel most comfortable and content with in the world. And you're right pp, it just keeps people in bad marriages or makes people feel they failed if things don't work out.

Looking back at my two marriages I tried and tried and tried to make them work, got absolutely nothing back in return from either husband.
I was just exhausted from doing everything and getting no support.
I wanted them to work so badly that I stayed far too long, I stayed in the second marriage for 20 years and was unhappy nearly all of that time.
Looking back I'd never do that again, it wasn't worth it and I'd have been much happier cutting my losses and going after the first year.
Marriage should not be an endurance test and if it is it's all kinds of wrong.

There seems to be a pretty strong consensus that marriage shouldn't be hard work. I agree with that. I think when people start talking about working at a marriage or relationship it's often because they're missing something more fundamental. If that fundamental sense of connection is there then resolving practical details of life shouldn't be hard work, and if it isn't, then the hard work is a distraction and blind alley.

Having said that, I think maybe the problem is that having children is most definitely hard work. It's hard work that impacts hugely on the lives of the parents both individually and as a couple. It often exposes or exacerbates fault lines in a relationship that may never have become a problem otherwise, due to the greater demands on time and energy, and conflicting views about the right way to do something that feels like the most important thing you'll ever do in your life, so you don't want to compromise over it.

A marriage with children is really not the same thing as a marriage without them.

No a marriage is not hard work. It is choosing every day to actively participate in a relationship with your partner.

There will be times when you will have to work at it as you would if you were going through hard times and single, that's living.

There is also the shared joy, the companionship, realising your dreams and cheering on your partner as they work towards theirs.

Well mine is! Or sometimes anyway. But we can both be moody and hot headed and having 2 kids that didnt sleep for years didnt help.
I am not someone who enjoys compromise, although I do obviously, but yes, I'd agree it's hard work.
That's not to say that it should be however. And I think this notion is sold, it's true.
I think it shouldn't be the base point and if either party wants to leave then that's ok.

@FifteenToes has it spot on IMO. Marriage with kids is hard work, undeniably. And I agree, for many, the two become inseparable.

It also depends on your definition of “hard work”. For some people any work is hard work. Healthy relationships are, by their nature, reciprocal. They’re about mutual support. But some people are like the writer Sandra Tsing Loh - to quote her: “Honestly, that feels unsexy. I don’t want mutual support. I want you to take care of me like I’m Jackie O.”

Reciprocity is the key. Anyone who struggles with that should probably consider long and hard if they should be in a marriage at all. And anyone in a marriage with someone like that, probably has good reason to want to get out.

Marriage is hard work. I think making it expire, if not renewed, after 5 years would be a good idea.

No it is not hard work with the right person.

There is compromising though. You need to learn what is and isn’t important in the grand scheme of things. It is my 20 years anniversary today and my husband was saying last night he can’t wait for the kids to grow up and retire so we can be together every day. (I want the same thing which is weird because I am known in my family to be an introverted grump) I don’t know how I ever managed to get so lucky and I know how fortunate we are to have found each other.

A long marriage goes through good and bad times. If you both love each other and respect each other the bad times can be overcome and it comes out stronger than before

The people I know who have had long (25+ years) marriages have all gone through times when the marriage has been hard work, when it has forced them to confront their own weaknesses and their partners' problems too.

We are all of us deeply flawed creatures and those flaws will surface and confront us in difficult ways at some point.

I think hard work can lead to growth and to great happiness and fulfilment; it can also be deeply painful. Sometimes it does both of these things.

@BurtonHouse

In conversation with sil, chatting about our other halves in a light-hearted way about whiskers-in-the-sink sort of things when she said in all seriousness "Actually I work very hard at my marriage". As though I should be impressed. I'm afraid my immediate response was that I was so sorry to hear that and what a shame. She hasn't spoken to me since. Btw, her husband was and still is a complete arsenal and she's still working hard.

This is the kind of thing which makes me feel really frustrated. Along with someone announcing they are separating/divorcing. The expected/acceptable response is "Oh no!! I'm so sorry, how awful!"

Whereas I always want to say "OMG, fantastic! Well done you! Your life is going to be so much better!"

Nobody divorces someone on a whim. By the time you get to divorce point it is definitely something to celebrate!

90% of the time my marriage is easy. The 10% it isn't easy isn't due to the marriage or our compatibility but because of things about us which we obviously then bring to the marriage.

So for me I had an unhappy childhood and parents who don't love me. This has resulted in me struggling with certain aspects of normal family life and at times this can become quite overwhelming. During those times I have no doubt that being married to me is hard.

Equally DH has a spending problem which means that I have to control all spending. The two times he has revealed secret debt to me I found being married to him hard work.

However we both make each other laugh, are kind and thoughtful towards each other, love the same activities, parent together well and generally get on very smoothly. When one of us is struggling with something the other always steps up however hard that might be and we tackle the problem together.

When I look at the future I see us gradually getting to do more and more of what we enjoy (long countryside walks etc) as DS gets older. We are currently in the young child phase and as PPs say that is often hard. I know that DH is who I want to spend my middle and old age with though.

Forgot to add that without DH the situation with my background and my family would be so much worse. I know that I would never have had the strength to go NC without him.

No, marriage is easy.

I think that saying must date from the time when divorce was hard so you had to stick with it.

No I don’t think it’s hard work. It’s the rest at the end of the day and the reason I get up in the morning. I’m besotted with my dh and have to work fairly hard not to show it all the time because it’s cringe-worthily embarrassingly at odds with the rest of my character

No, our marriage just works. We annoy each other, quite often on purpose, we are kind to each other and we rarely argue. When we do argue, we just call each other a dick and then move on. There's nothing difficult about it at all unless we're doing it wrong.

This topic is a bit of an old chestnut on MN.

So I've thought about it quite often!

I think life can be "hard work". And, if you have a partner, they can make those times better or worse or be indifferent (so in fact worse).