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Original poster

"Marriage is hard work" - do you agree?

93 replies

GoGoGadgetShoes · 21/08/2020 06:21

Hello all,
This is something I've been mulling over for a while, since I decided to separate from my STBXH last year.

You hear this a lot - in the press, on TV, in advice columns and anecdotes from friends and family, in wedding and anniversary speeches... "Marriage is hard work."

I don't disagree but I realise that with this statement comes the notion that we should endure, or even suffer bad times, that those who leave their marriages somehow haven't worked hard enough.

It's the reason why I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for so long, as I completely bought into the notion that marriage is supposed to be difficult.

It's very hard to get away from this mindset and I wonder how many others are staying in abusive or dysfunctional relationships because they have been conditioned to believe this as the absolute truth.

My epiphany came during my first solo counselling session when I realised I wanted to split and the counsellor told me "marriage is not meant to be an endurance test".

I'd be interested to hear others' thoughts!

OP posts:
Faith50 · 21/08/2020 08:20

Annelovesgilbert

I have accepted my life now. Yes, one of the reasons I am staying is because of me but there are at least three others.

Within my imperfect marriage, I can feel, laugh, cry, have fun, enjoy my children.

I never expected to be in this position. Not in a million years. I read about it happening to other women on MN. Now I can truly empathise as I felt what they did but the pain has gone - just disappointment.

Life never quite turns out how you expect. I survived, I am strong. I give myself that at least.

CountFosco · 21/08/2020 08:23

If you're both happy easy-going people, I don't think it should be hard work

What if you are not both happy easy-going people? I think very few people really are, we all have our weak points. Should most people never get married? Or should they try and do their best.

Original poster
GoGoGadgetShoes · 21/08/2020 08:23

So many Interesting replies and different interpretations.

I think in my case it was learning to free myself from the notion that my marriage would improve if I somehow worked harder. In fact it was my own mother who said to me, for goodness sake you've been working hard at it for years. If it's only getting worse, get out.

OP posts:
diddl · 21/08/2020 08:25

I can't help thinking it is meant as hard work for one person (probably usually the woman) keeping the other (difficult?) person happy.

I think for two reasonable people who care a lot about each other, are considerate & both willing & able to compromise then no, not hard work.

SchmooobyDoo · 21/08/2020 08:26

I don’t think marriage is hard work. I think my DH is hard work. I could have married other guys, before him, and had an easy life in many ways...

YouJustDoYou · 21/08/2020 08:26

Not at all.

PopsicleHustler · 21/08/2020 08:29

No. I find my marriage very easy. My hubby and I love each other and respect one another. Look out for each other and support one another. We have the same interests and same sense of humour. Marriage shouldnt be hard work but it does come with the odd rough patch in certain circumstances but it's all part of life, same with parenting and friendships.

FastnetLundyRockall · 21/08/2020 08:34

No relationship should be hard work, especially marriage!

Humbersider · 21/08/2020 08:34

This blows my mind, tbh.

I'm the world's laziest person. If being with DH felt like work, let alone hard work, I'd have been off years ago.

Fortunately, he makes my life easier, better and happier. Isn't that the whole point??

RantyAnty · 21/08/2020 08:39

Some marriages are good for both parties but a whole lot are mostly a raw deal for women.
Dealing with a difficult or abusive spouse and the majority of the donkey work, make marriage hard.

VodselForDinner · 21/08/2020 08:42

I wonder how often men are told marriage is hard and they have to work at getting over unacceptable behaviour from their wife? Or how often men are made feel like failures when their marriage ends?

DillonPanthersTexas · 21/08/2020 08:44

At the risk of sounding smug, no.

We just click very very well. Any disagreements we sort out without arguing or name calling. We both pull our weight in terms of what we bring to the table. We are equals. That's not to say we take each for granted, but it is certainly not hard work.

The80sweregreat · 21/08/2020 08:53

I was so naive at 24 walking up the aisle in my 80s big dress from a sale rail . thinking it would be great!
31 years later and I'm a bit more jaded but we are still together and had to just get through the many bad days of no money and small children and just the drudge of it all. My mum said ' marriage is hard work ' but I thought I knew better really and it would be lovely! Ha ha ha
Still , there have been good days too and we still like each other , so I appreciate it could be a lot worse , but I can see why so many people divorce or have affairs or just get fed up with it all. Life is never plain sailing is it? Life is hard work so marriage isn't much different. Many of my friends are divorced who married the same time as us.

justilou1 · 21/08/2020 08:55

More often than not it seems to be hard work for you and an easy ride for him. When it’s that imbalanced, jump off the seesaw.

BlingLoving · 21/08/2020 09:24

I think marriage does involve some effort, but agree with others that I'm not sure I'd class it as hard work. I mean, there are things I'd prefer to do or do differently if I wasn't married to DH and so I have to put some effort into doing them a different way/responding a different way etc. And that's true for him too. But it's more like the commitment in a marriage means that you want to make the additional effort. And sometimes it's a bit harder than other times so it does require effort to remember at times.

I've said this before, but my Dad once said that if a couple can't be nice to each other and help each other out in the beginning of a relationship when things are all rosy and happy, how will they cope when things are tough and they're dealing with illness/job issues/small children etc. And I think that's very accurate. It's not that it's hard work, but you do have to be more selfless and sometimes put your partner or your marriage ahead of your own desires or preferences.

DillonPanthersTexas · 21/08/2020 09:31

More often than not it seems to be hard work for you and an easy ride for him.

I'm sure if you were to wander onto a male dominated forum you will probably hear this in reverse Grin

LaurieFairyCake · 21/08/2020 09:35

I'm a couples therapist and I'm sure you know that the main reason couples therapy fails is that people go too late/when one has checked out of the marriage/when one is with someone else

If you pay attention to your marriage and respect your partner and resolve/learn to live with your own issues as an individual then it won't feel like hard work

So many couple I see don't eat dinner/play on their phones all the evening/never go out together/ - they don't communicate, they avoid conflict and issues or they argue unhealthily

I find my own marriage easy because we fundamentally respect each other and we champion each other. We also look after each other when illness or distress comes around

Louise000000 · 21/08/2020 09:35

@Faith50 I spent the last 2 years of my marriage in pilot mode like you describe and its a miserable existence. I hope you find a way to leave.

I think marriage takes work and effort but in a positive way, rather than a gruelling hard graft type way.

Some advice I got when going through the break up of my marriage which I always remember was 'no one is going to give you a medal for sticking at a marriage when you are miserable'

TheFaerieQueene · 21/08/2020 09:42

Women, and yes you might think this is a generalisation but I don’t care, are programmed by society to be the carer, nurturer, martyr, saint. Sod that. Our existence is just as important as any man. Our lives just as valuable. Never, ever put up with second best. I packed my car one day with everything and my son and left my abuser. It was there best thing I did. I left a life of luxury and moved to a tiny rented house. It was heaven. I rebuilt my career, met my DH and the rest as they say, is history.

TheFaerieQueene · 21/08/2020 09:42

This was before the advent of MN. I did it knowing nothing about other people’s lives.

Original poster
GoGoGadgetShoes · 21/08/2020 09:44

@LaurieFairyCake

I'm a couples therapist and I'm sure you know that the main reason couples therapy fails is that people go too late/when one has checked out of the marriage/when one is with someone else

If you pay attention to your marriage and respect your partner and resolve/learn to live with your own issues as an individual then it won't feel like hard work

So many couple I see don't eat dinner/play on their phones all the evening/never go out together/ - they don't communicate, they avoid conflict and issues or they argue unhealthily

I find my own marriage easy because we fundamentally respect each other and we champion each other. We also look after each other when illness or distress comes around

You know, I absolutely believed this for a long time. But if one half of the couple is abusive it doesn't matter how much you work on yourself... I guess that's my issue. How do we unpick this, how do we realise that for some of us, no amount of introspection or effort will improve things?
OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 21/08/2020 09:49

If you pay attention to your marriage and respect your partner and resolve/learn to live with your own issues as an individual then it won't feel like hard work

Sorry, I don't think that's necessarily true. I pay attention, I respect my husband, I work on my own issues- but the past 2 years have been bloody hard work, for reasons out of my control.

I find my own marriage easy because we fundamentally respect each other and we champion each other. We also look after each other when illness or distress comes around

That's lovely and I'm glad you have it. But what's the easy answer for those who feel like some or all of that is missing or has diminished?

Mumoftwo12345 · 21/08/2020 09:59

Depends on your definition of work.

  1. 
activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result 
     a task or tasks to be undertaken.
  1. (To me) is marriage work, I choose to think and do things for someone else, willingly, to result in their feelings of being respected and loved.
Sometimes that's harder on some days than others.
ClementineWoolysocks · 21/08/2020 10:02

I don't agree at all. I wouldn't be happy being with someone who felt like work to me. Our relationship is easy, we have a lot of fun together and enjoy our time.

BertieBotts · 21/08/2020 10:22

(IMO)

Marriage should halve your workload because there are twice as many of you to do it. If it doesn't feel like this, maybe you're not with the right person.

OTOH you're also taking on half of their workload. And sustaining two (or more) people is more work than just sustaining yourself. But the workload of family life ought to be shared.

Maybe it means "Raising children is hard"? Children are often assumed to be a natural part of marriage.

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