If your sibling behaved like this...

[Itsokay2020]

...what would you do?

My sister had a 40th birthday and during conversations about her impending milestone birthday she’d told my parents and I that she didn’t want any fuss, would have quiet drinks with friends, a weekend away with her DH and a family meal (with her DH, my parents, his parents, her SIL, me, my DP and the kids) on her actual birthday (mid-week).

The weekend before her birthday she had a massive party... I found out the morning after via social media, her DH had shared photos and included the words ‘great night celebrating my wife’s birthday with all the best people...’ his sister appeared in all but one of the photos he shared.

How would you have reacted?

I would first check it wasn't a surprise party organised by her husband. Then I would say to her I felt really sad and hurt that she didn't want me at her party and ask her what had happened between us to make that the case.

It wasn’t a surprise party, it had been planned for some time

The party in itself is obviously not an issue, what hurt was seeing my sister’s sister-in-law in the photos and my BIL’s choice of words

I would ask both of them what happened to our relationship that we didn’t get an invit to the party, then find out through social media the best people got to attend - but not us?

I'd think that they get on better/have more fun with other people than with your side of the family, and I'd be hurt, and I'd say nothing. And I'd concentrate on other family and friends socially, and not rush to include them in future.

I would just ask her why?

How big is massive, how many people?

So now you retreat. No more Xmas /birthday gifts.
You absolutely totally know where you stand now.
And move on. They won't be giving you a second thought.

We aren’t going to Bils big milestone birthday this month - no invite, no angst, do drama. It will be as big a party as Covid rules where we are allows but it’s all his friends and his grown children. I think it will be quite the party. Good for him, we will catch up for a family dinner which is much nicer anyway. Glad not to be invited really, I don’t know his friends and Dh isn’t much of a party person.

This is the op sister, and she didn't know about the party.
Totally different!

Well tbh you are only allowed so many ppl at a party atm right? Or maybe they thought it eadnt your sort of thing.

I think I'd take a step back from them for a while. If that fb post was aimed at taking a dig at you then...sod them. Don't go begging for scraps.

*wasn't

Your sister doesn’t care about you in the way that you may have thought she did.
I’d say nothing and move on but that would be it for me. She’s made her feelings very clear.

So now you retreat. No more Xmas /birthday gifts.
You absolutely totally know where you stand now.
And move on. They won't be giving you a second thought.

This. And a thousand times this. They didn't want you there. It's totally shit but that's the cold hard truth. make no fuss but become ice cold. I've been there and got the t shirt. I just stepped away from my sister. She came running back eventually but I never trust her or rely on her.

I wouldn’t confront. The message has been delivered loud and clear, they know you’re on their fb and that you will have seen the party.

In future I would just step right back, and I would only tell her why if she ever asked.

Because the reality is that you’re never going to get a straight answer, so might as well just accept that this is how it is.

Please just ask her straight out, will drive you crazy otherwise. Then let us know!

Ouch. I currently have an extremely similar thread going here but it's my mum who's not telling me family events are on and is excluding me purposely.

OP, I'd be very tempted to post right there in the comments that you're sad and disappointed to see that your DSis had a birthday celebration with "the best people" but told her own family that she wasn't celebrating. I'd maybe say that you are at least glad to know where you stand now. I'd also tell her that the massive fuck you was received loud and clear.

I did a similar thing when I discovered my mum was at a family meal last night without me. The people around her wouldn't be unaware that she'd been pulled up on it.

Well that’s the kind of stuff you fall out over isn’t it?

Sorry to drip feed... I just wanted to hear opinions based on those limited facts because what I did has led to me being told I ‘need help’!

This happened last October, when Covid-19 wasn’t a ‘thing’. My reaction to what I saw was to withdraw from the family meal. Apparently my not being there ruined my sister’s 40th Birthday.

The fall out was immense - I knew there was a risk that we wouldn’t talk again for a long time
and in light of everything I was very accepting of that. But what I hadn’t bargained for was how it would impact on my elderly parents. I don’t believe they took my side but they had their own grievances, particularly around providing free childcare before/after school for several years and receiving little or no thanks. My parents would want to see my sister and her family but she was always too busy. I can’t remember the last time we were invited to celebrate my niece or nephew’s birthdays!

It took several months for my sister to speak to my parents again, they’ve hardly seen the grandchildren since restrictions eased. Recently they met with my BIL and apparently it was heated. My sister and BIL are adamant that all fault lies with me and I ruined my sister’s 40th. The air between my sister, BIL and parents has been cleared. I am very, very relieved about that.

I can see my mum is still sad, however, my sister and BIL have made it clear there will be no further family gatherings. My mum is sad at the loss of a ‘picture-perfect’ family, but I don’t believe this exists but more importantly no-one deserves to be treated like this and I would respond again in the same way even with the benefit of hindsight! I have no desire to see them again either.

But, it has led me to question whether I should have been more accepting of their shitty behaviour, if only for one last meal. But then I tell myself that if they thought so little of me that they were comfortable to exclude me from my sister’s 40th party (lots of people attended) then surely I reserve the right to walk away? And to that end, how can someone so poorly treated ruin a Birthday?

I invited my sister and BIL to my 40th; I would never have considered not inviting them. And I invited them to a meal to celebrate my DC’s Birthday every, single year.

Thank you again for the comments, I feel more at peace with the situation now and NC is definitely an easier place to be!

agree with other PP.

completely withdraw, and then just surface politeness at family gatherings.

if she proposes plans just you, or just your families, a simple "no thanks" would be enough

given your DSis didn't have the integrity to be honest with you about her birthday plans, i wouldn't expect her to call you out on this in person.

it probably wouldn't be very helpful or constructive, but if she presses you over text, i'm not sure i could resist responding with "didn’t want any fuss, would have quiet drinks with friends, a weekend away with her DH and a family meal", followed by "great night celebrating my wife’s birthday with all the best people.."

I would have done exactly the same. She is clearly one of these people who hates critisism and would never reflect on her own hurtful behaviour.

just seen your later reply - did you explain why you were withdrawing?

and did your parents really "clear the air"? or did they just swallow their pride and hurt?

the only note of caution i have here is that the way you've worded your descriptions of both situations, your BIL has been fairly central - is there a risk that he's systematically isolating your DSis from her own friends/family? do you have any concerns about him?

just seen your later reply - did you explain why you were withdrawing?

and did your parents really "clear the air"? or did they just swallow their pride and hurt?

the only note of caution i have here is that the way you've worded your descriptions of both situations, your BIL has been fairly central - is there a risk that he's systematically isolating your DSis from her own friends/family? do you have any concerns about him?

Yes, I explained in a calm manner. It wasn’t well received!

I think my parents have cleared the air, I think they said what they wanted to say, but my sister and BIL are entrenched in their views. However, my parents now get to see the grandchildren once a week and I have encouraged my mum to focus on this. But, I am concerned that quite quickly my parents will become disillusioned, the heartache of not spending quality time with my sister will start to bite once more. Time will tell, I am now so detached it is much easier for me to support them if necessary without me becoming too emotionally invested in it. If that makes sense?

Yes, we have our concerns about my BIL and I have suspected for a long time that he is controlling. I don’t think my sister is at risk, but it’s hard to tell what happens behind closed doors. My sister has prioritised seeing friends before family so I hope I can take some comfort in knowing that she does have a support network there.

her friends, or "their" friends?

OP,
You are not responsible for your parents relationship with your sister.

She has every right to have her party and exclude her family if she wishes to.
Completely HER choice.

However, she has zero control over the consequences and she has to accept that her family are also entitled to make THEIR
choices.

Your parents allowed themselves to be used for years and it appears she has form for being an extremely self serving.

Move on, neither her nor her husband sound like nice people.

I think you made the choice that felt right for you at the time.

That is completely your right.