If your sibling behaved like this...

[Itsokay2020]

...what would you do?

My sister had a 40th birthday and during conversations about her impending milestone birthday she’d told my parents and I that she didn’t want any fuss, would have quiet drinks with friends, a weekend away with her DH and a family meal (with her DH, my parents, his parents, her SIL, me, my DP and the kids) on her actual birthday (mid-week).

The weekend before her birthday she had a massive party... I found out the morning after via social media, her DH had shared photos and included the words ‘great night celebrating my wife’s birthday with all the best people...’ his sister appeared in all but one of the photos he shared.

How would you have reacted?

I can understand your decision. I think also that you were lied to before the party is an important factor. I know people say that you can invite who you want to to your own party, but not to invite your own sibling and parents while your in law's are there .. and then to put it all over social media seems very hurtful. My sister has did similar things to me over the years and it can feel very painful to be excluded like that. When I was younger she would invite me over to get ready for a night out or party and then when I arrived she would give me instructions for babysitting. The last time this happened I said to her I wasn't there to babysit she said "but why on earth did you think I invited you over?". I know it's probably a very different situation to yours but I understand your reaction to the party and I no longer speak to my sister either. It has got easier over the years.

It's not easy having family difficulties but I think you are dealing with it well and trying to be supportive to your parents. I think you are totally justified in not attending his birthday meal. If they are entitled to do as they please with absolutely no regard to others feelings, why then do they feel others should take into consideration their feelings?

But you are not depriving your parents of quality time with your sister and her family. There will be no gatherings with both of their daughters/families together but they are free to do as much or as little as they wish with each of their daughters. You ensure that you never speak badly of your sister or her dh nor try to change/dissuade your parents from plans they may have. Leave it to them to decide their Xmas plans, you may say they are always welcome to yours (if that's the case) but it is entirely their own decision, no hard feelings. Continue to involve your parents in your own events.
It is what it is with your sister. Wish her and family no ill but remove yourself from the equation. I have pretty much the same situation with a small branch of the family (not sister) and if questioned I always say "it's not that I'm not talking to them, it's just that I don't talk to them and I think that's best all round".

Sounds to me like your BIL is a bit of a dick for phrasing things that way (which is on him, not not your sisters fault).

I understand you were really hurt but I dont think it's that uncommon to have different groups of people at different events - a party for friends and a meal for family is fine surely?

If SIL was there maybe she is part of the friendship group? I'm going against the grain a bit and saying I think not attending the birthday meal was harsh.

I'm v close to my cousin who is 8 years younger than me. I would invite her to my sedate middle aged party, but I wouldn't necessarily expect to get invited to one of hers - populated by a younger, single, more party-hard crowd. That's ok - we do other stuff instead. It doesn't mean we love each other less.

Perhaps other stuff your sister has done bleeding over into this whole situation likebthe straw that broke the camels back?

Reading a bit more - perhaps just distance yourself. You arent responsible for your parents relationship with her and her family x

I had a 40th party that didn’t include my sister or parents. However, it was friends only. Adults only. Late night party. No family at all. If I’d invited my husbands family then I would have invited mine. She obviously doesn’t enjoy socialising with you. To tell you that you ruined her 40th after leaving you out like that is a bit rich and I hope you didn’t stand for that. Her behaviour is not ok and you need to call her out on every shitty statement that she makes. Do no more for her ever again. Buildupyour own circle. Do not invite or include her

I’m a bit surprised by this and the replies. It reads like you with dew and happy to never see your sister again for the reason you wee not invited to her party?

What was your relationship like pre party? It sounds like there's way more of a back story for it to get so heated so quickly.

Another reason I didn’t invite my sister/parents is their behaviour at previous events. They are loud and outspoken with racist political views. They don’t just socialise normally. They act weirdly in groups of people and display attention seeking behaviour. They have to espouse their opinions on everything and often think they are being “hilarious” and “it’s just a joke”. It’s embarrassing. Could it be something similar with your family OP?

Agree is there a back story? I get being annoyed about not being invited but generally it’s not a never see them ever again level crime

What reason did they give for actively
Excluding you from the party given how important you were to her (ruined her meal by being absent but didn't ruin her party by not being there?!)? Very odd. I think you did the right thing.

What was your relationship like as kids/growing up/over the years?

It sounds like your BIL is either isolating your sister from her family and using you as the scapegoat (they're now going to avoid family gatherings because of you- great excuse. Takes the onus off of them and they don't come out looking like the dicks they really are).
My brother has done this to me. My brother has managed to drive a huge wedge between my mother and me (my mother, who was at the birth of all of my children, who stayed with my family and me for 6 months out of the year, who had her own room in our house which we were hoping she'd fully occupy once she turned 80- she was meant to move in with us). People look for a back story. But here's the deal, sometimes the assholes win. They win because they're good at throwing people under the bus and coming out shiny and gleaming. Maybe your sister is, quite simply, a dick and water found its own level when she met her husband who empowered her to fully play out her resentment of you. Or maybe she's a victim here of his manipulation/isolation. It's common as anything!

But if you think about your relationship growing up and compare her to who she has become during her marriage, you'll understand better if this was a lifelong rift waiting to happen or if her husband plays a bigger role here.

It's very painful what you're going through. And although it's a relief that she's back on good terms, well relative good terms, with your parents, you're still out in the wilderness. It's cold out there! I know the feeling.
It was a very big statement not inviting you to her 40th. Don't underestimate this. It's one thing if she lives 1000 miles away, but I take it she doesn't.

It sounds like your BIL is either isolating your sister from her family and using you as the scapegoat

I’m not sure, the op says she was happy never to see them again. So they are both isolating her. The sister is seeing the parents.

If my sister treated me like this I would not invite her to any more of my family events. I would be cool with her but not confront as she has made it very clear you are not one of her best people. I would still treat any nephew's and nieces the same as before.

Thank you all so much for the replies, I will read them all in detail.

However, here are a couple of answers to questions raised. My sister has never taken criticism very well. Hence, when I saw that post on social media I withdrew from the meal quietly, with dignity and without fuss. It was organised via text, by my BIL, and I therefore sent him a very short, polite text. I really didn’t want the confrontation tbh.

It was later that evening that my sister messaged me to ask why I wasn’t going. I explained why and it all kicked off. My BIL sent the most disgusting messages to me, my mum, my DP. It was vile and I blocked all contact.

For some months previously I had sensed something was off, lots of little things and a sixth sense I suppose, but I can’t explain it very well.

My sister and I have less in common now than ever, we were close but she has become so guarded about everything. To the point where conversation would be awkward and clunky... until she’d had a drink.

I could spend hours analysing everything, to be honest, but I still can’t work much of it out.

However, at no point have I ever said I will never speak to her again, but I feel that until there’s at least some acknowledgement of how hurtful their actions were, I will be back to feeling as though I have a sister who only wants me when she needs something. I very much try to treat others as they treat me. I have a wonderful circle of friends and colleagues, as well as my own DC, to focus on.

I support my parents, I love them dearly and they don’t deserve to be treated like this. However, I also refuse to be drawn into lengthy moaning sessions about my sister, BIL etc, it’s futile and life is short enough! Whilst my parents live close by to my sister, I am 18 miles away. It’s therefore much harder for them than it is me.

Hopefully that helps a little... in a nutshell it wasn’t just the party itself, it was the lies, the weird behaviour, lack of thought, part-time relationship that led to me saying enough is enough. I consider myself loyal and caring, but I can only take so much!

You didn’t go to her family birthday dinner because she didn’t invite you to her party?

What did the brother in law say on the texts? Was he telling you why they didn’t invite you?

It all seems like a shit load of arguments because you didn’t get to go to her party.

@Bluntness100 the party that the sister pretended she wasn't even having! Totally duplicitous and impossible not to take it as the slap on the face that it was. I couldn't have sat through the family meal after that. The BIL sounds like a deeply unpleasant individual, nothing lost by staying away from him. It's horribly unsettling to have a family feud going on but they sound like people you wouldn't choose as friends so just get on with your life with your family and friends and their importance will fade.

I would need to know who was there too.
For example my sister and law and I don’t have that friend type relationship but my sister and her sister in law do.

If I were to have a party for friends so I could let my hair down none of my family would have been invited; you act differently around family to friends and it changes the atmosphere. The meal would have been my family celebration.

However my sister recently had a birthday party and her sister in law was invited but I wasn’t. That’s fine because my sister in law is her friend, they go out drinking together and met in college and have been friends ever since my sister married her brother.
If I were invited, my sister would be in sister mode or watching what she was doing or saying as family are different to friends in my experience. We had a meal instead with the family afterwards .

Sounds to me this was a friend thing to me and she had a seperate thing planned with the op and her family.

Doesn’t seem the op and her have a friend type relationship and don’t hang out together for fun. Likely didn’t tell her as she knew the reaction. Plus really it’s none of her business.

We are now very close with our brother and sister in law, and hang out as friends, but for years we weren’t. Just different life stages, but we got on well and met at family gatherings.. Wouldn’t have occured to any of us to be offended when we weren’t invited to each other’s friend get togethers, because we weren’t part of that social circle.

Even now none of us feel entitled to invites and certainly not to the level the op is displaying.

And that’s it, the op feels she’s entitled to know what her sister was doing and entitled to an invite. For me she was not entitled in any way.

I too thought your BiL might be controlling your sister. I'd leave the door open there and make sure she knows she isn't isolated if ever she needs you. Some coded phrase like 'There's nothing you can't tell me,' will be enough. Privately - no need to antagonise him if you fear he will take it out on her.

It's hard when this happens. I'm the sibling further away and have been no contact with her since just after DC1 was born after I finally grew a backbone when she started on newborn DD like she did on me. I told my parents I appreciated they were upset and I was never going to ask them to take sides, but they needed to respect that no one will get away with treating my DD like that no was I going to put up with the personal stuff anymore.

Over the years I've come to realise that the behaviours and roles taken were those my mother had assigned, and she wasn't happy with being out of control. She meddled too far unfortunately and tried similar herself towards both my DC and I kept the same boundaries. I have a very superficial low contact relationship with her but only because I see my father somewhat more regularly (he's his own weak spineless man but he's been dragged into the mire of my mothers meddling as much as my sister and I were, he's portrayed as a controlling arsehole who refuses to allow her friends but the truth is she alienates them herself and it's her that calls all the shots).

Obviously this may not be the situation you are in, but wanted to empathise. Putting up protective barriers that never existed previously ruffles the feathers of those who want you not to have them. Sympathise with your parents, but let them know you won't be treated like a second class citizen anymore.

To me it’s not how she planned to celebrate her birthday with a range of events - that’s her right.

What is more telling is the negative, duplicitous and volatile behaviours.

It would have been easy to explain that she is doing x, y and z - but she lied.

They then deliberately put it on SM with stinging words. They knew this was a snub and it was meant to hurt.

You then declined. This is your right. But they took this as an opportunity to blow up and cause all sorts of drama - so that the shitty thing that they did (lying, excluding, SM post) somehow landed as blame on your doorstep.

They could have acknowledged your hurt, explained their personal choice, and apologised for not being factual / direct if they had any respect for you. But they did the opposite.

They sound like v highly manipulative people. They managed to spin your decline to dinner into a family drama and the “rift” they can point to you.

But in reality they have got EVERYTHING they wanted - to snub, exclude and hurt you and to detach from the family, put the parents down - but blame you.

Just detach - get on with your own lovely life. Don’t feel any guilt or obligation for your parents - they can have any RS they like with their DD but if you are involved you will somehow always be to blame.

Keep calm, indifferent, dignified, distant and detached. Don’t get drawn in any slagging with your DPs. Feel your anger and hurt in private. Change the conversation when they bring it up.

What’s bringing this up now? Is it to make your DP feel better? Is there another family event / Xmas looming that you need to negotiate?

I think you should have just gone and then pulled back a bit. Not worth the big fallout imo.

Did they give a reason for not inviting you?

@hopeishere

Did they give a reason for not inviting you?

I assume because it was a friend thing and they don’t socialise together in the same friendship group.

Question is why she lied about it.

I strongly suspect the sisters and brother in laws view of this will be very different indeed.

The root cause is she wasn’t invited to the party, and didn’t tell her sister she was having one. Although the ops definition of massive and everyone else’s might differ here. Possibly it was just a night On the piss with Good mates celebrating.

The fact that sister in law was invited and also the particular comment makes it sound like bil is a bit controlling. He seems to have been behind the vile messages after the event. He doesn’t sound very nice at all.