If your sibling behaved like this...

[Itsokay2020]

...what would you do?

My sister had a 40th birthday and during conversations about her impending milestone birthday she’d told my parents and I that she didn’t want any fuss, would have quiet drinks with friends, a weekend away with her DH and a family meal (with her DH, my parents, his parents, her SIL, me, my DP and the kids) on her actual birthday (mid-week).

The weekend before her birthday she had a massive party... I found out the morning after via social media, her DH had shared photos and included the words ‘great night celebrating my wife’s birthday with all the best people...’ his sister appeared in all but one of the photos he shared.

How would you have reacted?

Ssslou you have summed it up perfectly! Thank you!

Yes, my parents have a special event coming up, hence they wanted to sort things out. Plans are restricted due to Covid but I will arrange a special celebration for the extended family when the time is right (eg. restrictions are relaxed). My sister and BIL will be invited because that’s the right thing to do (IMO). If they choose not to come, that’s their choice.

Another poster asked if my families’ behaviour would be the reason behind the lack of invite. It’s a fair question but I’d like to think we’re not radical in any way, we enjoy a drink, good food, a dance and certainly don’t have views that would cause offence! My DP and I are very sociable.

Bluntness, I never felt entitled to an invite, it’s the lies that have caused the hurt. Why couldn’t they just be honest? I thought we were ‘friends’ too... we have socialised on many an occasion previously and to the best of my knowledge, everyone had always had a great time!! When I say a large party, I’m talking 50 odd guests, I appreciate that’s not huge but it was enough to hire a venue etc.

Ah ok. Then yes that is massive. Sorry on here you see many a post where someone says massive party and there are ten folks there, there was one the other day

Did they explain why they didn’t invite you and lied about it. There must be a reason?

No, no clear reason has been given to me. Perhaps if the meal hadn’t included the SIL and BIL’s parents I would have felt differently, but to spend a considerable amount of money to hear them talk about the party was something I simply couldn’t do... I wouldn’t have been able to not say anything! I’d much rather keep a dignified silence...

I'm with Bluntness on this one. I wouldn't invite my brother to my birthday party and wouldn't expect an invite to his. We're close enough and would probably do something as a family but if I was having a party with friends I wouldn't invite siblings or parents. But I would invite my SIL (DH's sister) and my cousin because they're part of my friendship group and we socialise together as friends as well as family. Could the same be true for your sister?

Ohhh just saw BIL's parents were there. In that case I assume it was organised by BIL? Rude but not worth going NC over imo.

I think a lot of people realise you don't always get invited to everything, hell, that's life.
I have taught that to my children from a very young age. Sometimes you can't invite everyone either.

But this was arranged slyly.
BILs parents invited.
So unnecessarily hurtful to your parents, particularly in view of all the childcare given, but even generally.

At the very, very least it was most unkind.

Keep the texts from BiL to send to your sister should she be confused as to why you are LC.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Life is too short.
Personally if someone was sending me vile texts like you BIL, he would not be stepping inside my home again.
Awful behaviour.

Oh that’s v contrived to invite the PiL and SiL to your family meal as well. Seems he / they would have enjoyed watching you squirming and be humiliated as they all gloated on about the party.

Glad you didn’t give them that pleasure. Well done for taking yourself out of punching distance.

Feel sorry for your poor parents - how must it feel that they were relegated behind the ILs of their own daughter.

Yes do the right, calm, adult thing arranging the event for your parents. You have ALL the power when you remain bright and breezy, detached receptionist style.....don’t get drawn on anything - deep breaths, move away, change the subject. Have vague phrases to close any direct Qs down. “That’s not something I will be discussing tonight” etc

Be aware that they will likely set out to goad and provoke you. See it coming and don’t respond.

In a similar situation, I reacted by saying nothing, taking it on the chin, and realising that I had been given good information about these people through their actions, after their poor treatment of me I now knew where I stood.

It hurt, but what good does confronting them do? Unless you're really quite a rare sort of person, you're going to be terrible at accepting criticism. Confronting people who have already shown you they aren't very nice, is never going to end well.

In your situation, you've seen this illustrated quite clearly. Your sister and her husband blew up and created a massive scene, your parents suffered, now you're suffering based on your parents' hurt feelings... it wasn't really worth pulling out of the dinner, and then being drawn on why.

In terms of moving forward, I think a dignified silence is best. Be dignified and distant without being unkind, don't be drawn out on your reasons again, and hope it all blows over.

I think the key thing here is to properly realise, and act on the realisation, that these people don't care how you feel. So perhaps don't reveal your feelings to them again in future.

So you spoilt her birthday by not attending a meal
But apparently didn't spoil her party by not attending.
Go figure

Exactly forest
Complete hypocrisy. You aren't in the wrong op.