Inlaws and money

[Bowlmeover]

My inlaws have a lot of money, my parents are poor. We've had a few cheques for nice (not huge) sums of money from them over the last few years.
My inlaws don't like to give me money however and always give the money or cheques to my husband, solely in his name.
Then when they learn that we have bought something specific with the money, a new car, kitchen etc, they start referring to it as "DH's car" "DH's kitchen." It always makes me feel like a second rate citizen.
Then, recently they wanted to give DS some money for something inparticular and FIL got the money from his wallet to hand over. I was standing right next to him and I naively held out my hand, but he turned his body completely away from me and made his way over to the opposite side of the room to give the money to DH. He seemed very assertive in the way he did it and I felt quite offended.
They clearly have an issue with me sharing their gifts of money with DH or even holding the money that they give for our children. They don't seem to understand why I have worked part-time since having our children (both pre-school age up until now) and I think they begrudge me not earning a bigger proportion of our income. It's as if they have come to believe that I am living off DH (and them) and that I am somehow undeserving, it makes me feel uncomfortable.
They can be very generous, so I feel a little ungrateful for sharing this, but I really don't like the way their comments and behaviour is making me feel.

[Mamette]

i suspected that MIL had worked , this is why i always cringe at the "what did MIL do " comments on these types of threads.

“What did MIL do?” is a valid question, no need to cringe.

[KatherineofTarragon]

@Bluntness100
I personally feel the op and her DH are benefitting from this financial arrangement. Also from the ad hoc free childcare the PIL provide.

The OP and her DH come across, in my view only , as spoilt and entitled. I also suspect that the OP is frustrated her own family have no financial means to help and unreliable with childcare and she has no choice but to go cap in hand to PiL. PIL who have been generous to the extreme. I also wonder if OP imagined her married life would be more easy financially secure given her DH's parents financial position.

I am happy to admit i may have this all wrong but i ( as have some others ) seen red at the OP's "MIL leaving DH in childcare " comment, as if this makes us less maternal/worse mothers for doing so. Again, i may have read that wrong.

My honest view here and i do not wish to offend, but..i think OP wants to be P/T ( if at all) and expects her DH to fund everything . Is then embarrassed when the money is not there and DH feels he has no choice but to ask his parents. I wonder about the amount of pressure he , the DH , may be under , trying to do right for his family.

I think his parents are lovely and wish they were my parents. I think OP should stop handing her greedy hand out ( how embarrassing to hold your hand out for cash and have it passed elsewhere , that would have been the final insult on my integrity) for money , get a pen and paper out, do some sums and look at what they as a family, can and cannot afford, on their current own incomes, while she continues to enjoy her children and her p/t hours.

[Bowlmeover]

@Bluntness100 I never said that people who are business minded aren't maternal. You are twisting my words.
I'm sorry if you have taken offence. I know of atleast 2 single mums, very maternal who run businesses FT having help for childcare from a couple of family members along the way.
When I say MIL is non-maternal it is nothing to do with being business minded. I run a PT business but it doesn't mean I'm not maternal. I think that no matter what I say you are probably going to jump on me, as you have previously in several other threads.

[Bateshotel]

Then when they learn that we have bought something specific with the money, a new car, kitchen etc

I thought they didn’t lend ‘huge‘ amounts? The above sounds substantial to me. My in laws couldn’t afford to buy us a doormat. I’m well jealous and would be quite happy for them to refer to these purchases by anything they wanted

[Bowlmeover]

@KatherineofTarragon you do realise that rearing children is a full time job in itself... right?

Neither myself or DH have ever asked for large sums of money, they have been given as gifts with a request as to what the money is spent on. We would have ambled along with our old car and old kitchen otherwise. The money was given with a specific request as to what it was spent on. As for the little requests DH makes for small things- they're all to do with his work and motorbike. Nothing to do with me, I receive no benefit and I don't really concern myself much with it, I'm merely painting a picture.

I can see exactly where this post is going with the usual thread hijackers so I will now leave it there.

Thank you to the posters who have offered kind and well meaning advice.

[Bluntness100]

Kathleen I agree with you.

Op, sorry I don’t know who you are and can’t see any other threads you’ve started so if I’ve disagreed with you on other threads it’s clearly not personal. I just disagree with you. You must have name changed.

Your comment on child care did come across as you were trying to be negative about your mil whilst spending money she built up and rhe both of you relying on them for practical support. I’m getting you didn’t mean that, but I do fundamentally disagree with your approach and feel you and your husband should live within your means and not keep taking money off his family.

[netflixismysidehustle]

It's not surprising that you'd feel shit.

The only way to avoid this is to stop accepting their money because it's clearly loaded with strings - it's for your h/ds because they are one of those families who think blood trumps everything and you weren't born into that family.

[KatherineofTarragon]

@Mamette i suspect sometimes posters imagine ( or in fact ) MIL was a SAHM and therefore had plenty of time to organise herself, her kids, her home, her garden etc. She also had a DH earning shed loads of money, what does she know about financial hardship and childcare matters. . Therefore placing her in a position where she has no right to comment on how the next generation manage. Undermining the achievements of the SAHM MIL , in an attempt to minimise their own failings. Some of these SAHM MIL's raised large families on little money, during black outs and recession and at times of huge regional unemployment. Also, in the case of my mum , she raised us in the 70's and 80's ( my parents mortgage payments became out of control ) . My mum cleaned houses to make ends meet, took me and my sister to these big houses , while she cleaned, as she had no childcare.

I have seen this many times on MN. Peple take exception to MIL, "she never had it this hard" . More often than not she did , in fact she proably had it harder.

Peoples back stories and struggles are often kept private, in that generation and even away from their children. Don't assume all MIL's stayed at home making pickles and cleaning and by default had lots of free time to clean and raise kids- they didn't always.

What our MIL's did has and bears no relevance to the life choices we make for ourselves now. We are not our MIL's. We make our own choices, we are where we are by our own means. Nothing to do with what MIL did.

[KatherineofTarragon]

@Bowlmeover @KatherineofTarragon you do realise that rearing children is a full time job in itself... right?

Yes, i do. I have 2 children , aged 20 and 14. I have raised them " full time" and on my own while working full time for over 20 years.

You do realise how difficult that was right????

[JulesCobb]

@timeisnotaline

Hmm. You don’t mind doing all the household stuff but couldn’t juggle full time work as well? Comments like these make me wonder if you would have had a breakdown if your husband pulled his weight at home. Why would any parent ever do the bulk of the house management and parenting and work full time?

I thought this too. Why were you doing the bulk if you were both full time?

[ktp100]

Has their money been earned by both of them? As in, they were both professionals or worked at the family business equally etc?

They sound like absolute twunts, OP.

It does sound like you need to start putting them in their place a bit. You can't control what they do or say but you can do/say whatever you like.

[Badoukas]

My in laws are constantly implying that I should have a better job, do more hours, earn more etc. Really hacks me off and there's a showdown brewing!!

[Bluntness100]

@ktp100

Has their money been earned by both of them? As in, they were both professionals or worked at the family business equally etc?

They sound like absolute twunts, OP.

It does sound like you need to start putting them in their place a bit. You can't control what they do or say but you can do/say whatever you like.

She’s already said yes, they both earned it.

And she can put them in their place all she wants, but the hand outs will stop coming.

Sometimes there is a price to pay.

[Sportysporty]

Of course you benefit from money your DH spends on work and his motorbike - its ironic you think tjis when you want them to see family money as belonging to you both - the money your hisband is spendibg is money you as a family are not having to earn.

[FinnyStory]

It's perfectly fine to realise that you and DH, between you, can't both manage full time work and a family but you have cut your cloth accordingly and if that means a rust bucket car and a smaller house/mortgage, so be it.

If you continue to accept handouts you also have to continue to accept they are likely to come with strings, which TBF, seem fairly minor here.

I agree with PPs that you can't say it's DH who over relies on them at the same time as complaining that the handouts aren't seen as shared money.

What could you sacrifice so that "he" doesn't need this money?

[FinnyStory]

Oh, OP has gone, she was enjoying it to begin with when all the advice was ridiculous PA responses to ILs, now it's turned to stop taking the money, she doesn't want to hear it.

[KatherineofTarragon]

@FinnyStory yes, agree She insulted me and a whole load of other working mums with children in childcare. I am reeling from her comments.

How lovely for her to be at home while her PIL support her p/t choices that she cannot fund herself. She and her DH will continue to receive handouts, thats why she has left this thread.

I apologise in advance if this next comment is rude and breaks talk guidelines but i just need to get this out and off my chest:

That is one ignorant self obsessed , all about the money OP if i ever i saw one.
I have worked full time and raised my children full time. I did both. I am a good mum. I am a full time mum. OP, keep your hand out for your cash donations .my hand is firmly in. The only cash in my hand is that i earned myself

There , i said it!

[piscean10]

They sound horrible to do this. Well at least you know where you stand if DH was out of the picture!
I would have to call them out on it
People like this only get away with it because they are allowed to

[Noneformethanks]

I found the comments about childcare very rude.


I’m a full time working single parent.

[Bluntness100]

@piscean10

They sound horrible to do this. Well at least you know where you stand if DH was out of the picture!
I would have to call them out on it
People like this only get away with it because they are allowed to

Call them out on what? Not making her feel good about taking their money.?

[YesIDoLoveCrisps]

I've actually stopped thanking them for things their money has bought as they don't seem to have been intended for me
If you never thank them they will probably stop giving any.

[pinkyredrose]

I know DH has smaller sums from them sometimes for things he needs

How embarrassing to see your husband using them for money. Maybe he needs to cut the apron strings.

[AnotherOldGeezer]

I feel sorry for the people who have been offended

I’m a parent who has given his DCs and their spouses money

And even a niece and nephew

But if any of them asked for cash, I would not be amused. Unless it was an emergency. But luxuries? Pathetic

[AnotherOldGeezer]

I meant to say that I feel sorry that people who have been giving very reasonable and sensible advice have been disrespected

[Blanca87]

I just wanted to jump on and say @KatherineofTarragon you seem like such a wonderful human. Your post was sensitively written and thoughtfully considered. You rock, love. ♥️