Inlaws and money

[Bowlmeover]

My inlaws have a lot of money, my parents are poor. We've had a few cheques for nice (not huge) sums of money from them over the last few years.
My inlaws don't like to give me money however and always give the money or cheques to my husband, solely in his name.
Then when they learn that we have bought something specific with the money, a new car, kitchen etc, they start referring to it as "DH's car" "DH's kitchen." It always makes me feel like a second rate citizen.
Then, recently they wanted to give DS some money for something inparticular and FIL got the money from his wallet to hand over. I was standing right next to him and I naively held out my hand, but he turned his body completely away from me and made his way over to the opposite side of the room to give the money to DH. He seemed very assertive in the way he did it and I felt quite offended.
They clearly have an issue with me sharing their gifts of money with DH or even holding the money that they give for our children. They don't seem to understand why I have worked part-time since having our children (both pre-school age up until now) and I think they begrudge me not earning a bigger proportion of our income. It's as if they have come to believe that I am living off DH (and them) and that I am somehow undeserving, it makes me feel uncomfortable.
They can be very generous, so I feel a little ungrateful for sharing this, but I really don't like the way their comments and behaviour is making me feel.

But if he needs technology to work he needs to get his work to pay for it if he’s employed or use his business to buy it if he’s self employed

Just be cutting back

I have also said to my in-laws, well what do you think? When they make cheeky comments and it stops it right there in the tracks.

I think if they can help they should do it with grace

Nobody is forcing them to share their money.

Tell them next time, do it with grace or don't do it.

"If DH is solely responsible for the money perhaps your son should earn some more? He was so lacking in earning previously I had to work whilst parenting to the point of a nervous breakdown."

Money always comes with strings...
Dh can host them in his kitchen op.. Best stay outside its threshold!!

In the nicest way op you both need to stop accepting the money. I have friends who have wealthy parents, mine are not. I have had no help, financial or childcare. I admit i do feel jealous of them at times as i always have to do things the hard way, do without or wait and save. I can see why they may hand over to your DH as he is their son. I can kind of see why they may want to make a point of handing it to your DH and i would not take too personally. They could do it a bit more kindly i agree.

Could i respectfully ask Op could you be a little envious that your Dh's parents can do this for him where yours cannot? I will admit that my exh DH has a very loving, supportive and well off family as do lots of my friends. They all get lots of help. I do feel envious at times that i do not have this. Could it be that it is not the money and the manner in which they hand it over more the fact that they can and do?

Personally i would now stop accepting anything and work with your DH to be self-sufficient. To keep accepting money is reinforcing those apron strings, you are a married couple with children but your DH's parents still see you both as needing them and not ready to go it alone. I personally would not like to be beholding to anyone in that sense or allowing them to make me feel this way.

@cultkid we are completely on the same page!

I think having wealth has made them nervous about people taking advantage, in your shoes I would smile and nod, not share too personal info and look to cut back on costs. They are contributing to your family even if they don’t see it like that.

OP, please don't employ any of the petulant advice offered here. Quite why some people think that by acting like a passive aggressive twat is going to somehow suddenly make the in laws see the light is beyond me.

Yes, they are being arses, but the elephant in the room here is that you should not be taking cash gifts from them to begin with. Either you should be cutting your cloth to suit or sitting down with your DP to work out a plan to increase your household income.

Op, just seen your update.

Perhaps his parents feel they are doing their best to help, given the challenges you and DH have had.

"If DH is solely responsible for the money perhaps your son should earn some more? He was so lacking in earning previously I had to work whilst parenting to the point of a nervous breakdown."
I feel this is a little unfair. Depends on your husbands skill set and earning potential. This basically is suggesting that DH is solely responsible for all the finances and works himself to breaking point which would not help the situation. Also lots of us work full time while parenting , as on our own and the only breadwinner.

If your circumstances have changed and your mortgage is too high to comfortably manage now you may have to accept that a downsize it the best option to make your lives easier until you are in a position to have 2 wage earners in the house to support higher outgoings.

So did your MIL work full time throughout the time her DC we’re young? And throughout her marriage? If not, do they refer to their house/ car etc as FIL’s?

This stood out to me:
Then when they learn that we have bought something specific with the money,
Why are they learning this? Arrange your finances in such a way so that you make big purchases when it suits you, not when you get a handout from your in laws. If you get a cash gift, put it into the family pot, or use it to pay off a loan, don’t rush straight out and buy something conspicuous. You need to talk to your DH about this and get him on board, he sounds like he needs to grow up and away from his parents a bit.

If your circumstances have changed and your mortgage is too high to comfortably manage now you may have to accept that a downsize it the best option to make your lives easier until you are in a position to have 2 wage earners in the house to support higher outgoings

This is a temporary thing whilst they pay out nursery fees. Lots of people suffer financial hardship with nursery fees, my mate had hers all planned out for child number 2 and then that turned out to be twins!

I would just let them keep giving your Dh the money. Re the car, I would tell them that Dh wants you to drive it because it is much safer for the children (and you).

If they think the kitchen is Dh's then he can be the only one to use it

@Bowlmeover play them back and come back to me

You can do it

Nip this unhealthy behaviour in the bud x

@KatherineofTarragon

Love the username btw

I meant it sarcastically she should say this to the In-laws and see what they say back
Make them feel like twats because they are

It sounds as though PIL are directly financing the family. When you say that your DH needs money for things, you must mean that you as a family need money for those things - if the gifts are a shared pot then so are your other finances. The reality is that you’re working part-time, can’t afford to and are being financially supported by his parents. No wonder they feel they have some say in what’s happening really. I would look to downsize, stop overspending and be financially independent as a couple. That’s the point you can tell them to keep their beaks out.

Op buying you things like a car though, which if the other one is a rust bucket you can’t afford to replace, routinely giving your husband money for small things “he needsl” , giving your kids money, it does sound like you both rely on them financially, maybe more than you’re willing to admit.

You call them gifts but they are being used for mainly things you need. And you admit, your husband, and there fore you, rely on them for it.

There is a potential they can see you both struggling financially and feel they need to help out but also don’t understand fully why you don’t work full time and ease the pressure, but seem to take willingly.

As said, their behaviour isn’t ok, but I would maybe be more honest about how much you both rely on them, not just your husband as you say, but all of you.

Your post is also confused, as you start off by saying your kids are now school age, then you say they have just reached school age, then you say until they are school aged, indicating they already are.

You also should be entitled to free nursery hours and have been for possibly a year or more. Have you made any moves to get back to work? Are you able to do so?

I think personally I’d not be putting my hand out like you did for the money for your child, and I would thank them for what they give you both, because you’re both resenting them because they don’t give it to you directly whilst relying on them to do so. Because fundamentally if your husband relies on them as you say, then so do you and the kids.

Make them feel like twats because they are

That’s very poor advice when fundamentally they both rely on them financially, the husband even has money for stuff he needs routinely. Hence why he won’t rock the boat. Making them feel like twats whilst taking from them is not likely to see the money keep coming.

Until they can stop taking them this is the price associated with it. But you can’t put your hand out regularly and then make them feel like twats for their behaviour. It’s the definition of biting the hand that feeds you. They can do it when they are standing on their own two feet, no longer taking, and have paid the money back.

There is only one way the parents know the husband needs money for things routinely, and that’s because he’s telling them and asking for it.

DH probably relies on them financially and practically far too much.

It seems as if their freedom to express their opinions is the price your DH is prepared to pay for their handouts.

Talk to him and decide together what you are going to do. You can only change yourself, you can't change other people.

Your options appear to be to accept the money (and the comments ) or be financially independent so then you can laugh in the face of any comments.

It took my now DH to point out to me that I didn't have to accept money (and the associated judgement ) from my very generous but controlling parents.

You and your DH are adults now, you get to choose. Don't descent to playground insults. Just decide and then live your life.

Firstly you need to sit down with your DH and explain very clearly why this dynamic has to be stopped.

Yes it is about power - and they seem to think that if they bring money into your relationship, then that buys them the right to decide to marginalise you... within your own family.

So you tell your DH - the choices are this. Either you stop accepting money from them, a flat no. Or, you talk to them, make it 100% clear that gifts of money are coming to HIS FAMILY, not just him, and if they make a point of snubbing his wife (and therefore his choices, his family set up) via money, then it can no longer be accepted. (As an absolute minimum here there should be a joint bank account set up and they should be told that larger cheques will ONLY be paid in there. They write YOUR name on that cheque, or it gets handed back.

Or, third option. He does nothing, and their attitude corrodes your relationship with him (because he does not have your back and is not prepared to put your feelings above theirs) and your relationship with them. One day, they'll be looking back at the very distant relationship they have with their son's family and will wonder where it all went a bit wrong.

In the meantime - did MIL always work full time? If not, then she's presumably in exactly the same 'minor category' to you - the little add-on who just works part time and looks after the kids and house, I mean practically a parasite :) Do make sure, then, to apply PIL's standards across the board.

'Yes, driving the car FIL bought for DH today. Sorry about that, I'll clean it when I get home'

'Oh thanks FIL, DC will enjoy that. Don't let me touch it now! Give that money straight to DH.'

Directly to MIL: 'We're so glad that FIL was able to spare DH the money for his kitchen. It's not as nice as FIL's kitchen of course but you can't have it all'

What does your DH say when you explain to him how his parents make you feel?

I’m amazed they’re happy about their grandchildren being driven round in a banger!

I speak as a parent who gives money

The problem is your DH. He needs to tell them that when they say they are going to give him money, it has to be to both of you equally. And if they say no, then he should politely refuse it. And if he hears them referring to a car as DH’s car he should pick them up on it

They sound unpleasant, but part of their reasoning is likely to be about what happens if you split up

We give equally to DCs and their spouses. Have come to realise that if they split up, that’s their problem not ours

Our children need the money more than we do so that’s why we do it. And now they have children of their own, they can understand our motivation

If not, then she's presumably in exactly the same 'minor category' to you

Well no, because that depends on whether she could afford not to work, or also had to rely on their parents.

And the other thing the op doesn’t know is what conversations the parents have with their son when he asks them for money. Conversations about thr op not working and the pressure he is under. And the sort of things they are routinely having to give him money for
The op says it’s not just the big things, but for things he needs. Same as for her kids, they are giving them money routinely for things they need.

So this is a wider dynamic issue. On what is being said about the financial struggles they face and why they are facing them.

Op does your husband think you should be back in work? What conversations do you have?

If they are paying for cars and kitchens they are giving you substantial sums. When I give my son money I hand it to him or put it straight into his bank because he is my son and it just seems natural. It's not a slight on his partner.

The easiest solution is to stop taking their money and be financially independent.

The

They sound pretty unpleasant.

From what I’ve seen in my own family, if parents have to keep paying for their adult children’s lifestyle they never fully respect the child. It sounds like the in laws are taking that feeling out on you.

maybe you need to cut back so you can be more independent.

[quote Bowlmeover]@cultkid- I like those responses!

DH would never stop accepting the gifts so no chance of that happening.

We budget fairly well. No debts. Things are tight but will ease off when I am back in FT work and we no longer need to pay nursery fees.[/quote]
So,regardless of your thoughts on the matter DH would never stop accepting the cash, cash that you feel they use to put you down?

As with all these issues, the issue is with your DH. I don't understand why you haven't talked to him about it though. I really can't imagine not discussing something that was upsetting me so much with my DH.

Also what with this "small things that he needs"?

To me, the bigger gifts because they've had an inheritance or similar seem reasonable. I also don't think it's unreasonable to decree what the money will be spent on, e.g. "we'd like to pay for the new kitchen" rather than see it frittered away, especially if their DS is in a position where he's regularly asking them for "small" amounts for things he needs but can't afford.

Again, it comes down to you both becoming independent. It seems very odd to me that an adult child with children of his own would be regularly (ever?) asking parents for money, regardless of the amount. If you want their respect you're not going to get it by relying on them financially.