Inlaws and money

[Bowlmeover]

My inlaws have a lot of money, my parents are poor. We've had a few cheques for nice (not huge) sums of money from them over the last few years.
My inlaws don't like to give me money however and always give the money or cheques to my husband, solely in his name.
Then when they learn that we have bought something specific with the money, a new car, kitchen etc, they start referring to it as "DH's car" "DH's kitchen." It always makes me feel like a second rate citizen.
Then, recently they wanted to give DS some money for something inparticular and FIL got the money from his wallet to hand over. I was standing right next to him and I naively held out my hand, but he turned his body completely away from me and made his way over to the opposite side of the room to give the money to DH. He seemed very assertive in the way he did it and I felt quite offended.
They clearly have an issue with me sharing their gifts of money with DH or even holding the money that they give for our children. They don't seem to understand why I have worked part-time since having our children (both pre-school age up until now) and I think they begrudge me not earning a bigger proportion of our income. It's as if they have come to believe that I am living off DH (and them) and that I am somehow undeserving, it makes me feel uncomfortable.
They can be very generous, so I feel a little ungrateful for sharing this, but I really don't like the way their comments and behaviour is making me feel.

[TheLovleyChebbyMcGee]

Yes pull them up on it every time they refer to DH's things.

My PIL are a bit like this, refer to everything as DH's, like I'm some sort of lodger, it's strange.

[FippertyGibbett]

If they make you feel that uncomfortable, why do you even see them ?
Send your hubby round with the kids and have some time to yourself.

[Porridgeoat]

Why does you DH rely on them financially. Childcare is one thing but they clearly are a little begrudging about the cash.

Personally I’d aim to confuse them. Once working full time buy yourself a much nicer car then DHs and let DH drive it. Refer to it as my car

[MarthasGinYard]

'DH probably relies on them financially and practically far too much.'

It also reads as though you both take them for granted. New Kitchen, car and TBH I think holding your hands out for them to give you the money for your pre schooler, is a little grim.

I would personally find it all a bit much. Can't you and DH stand on your own two feet?

[Noneformethanks]

Yes, I agree actually. Why aren’t you standing on your own four feet financially?

[FinnyStory]

So as DH's parents you expect them to like the explanation that the "other" car is too dangerous for you to drive but it's fine for their son to use it routinely? Think how that would make you feel if that was your son and you'd paid for the car!

If things are as you've explained there may be a problem, which is easily solved by stopping taking their money, but I can see how they might feel their generosity, which naturally is aimed towards their son, no matter how much they might like DIL, is benefiting DIL most.

[Iwonder08]

They sound horrible. It is so rude. However I think it is also horrible for 2 adults to regularly accept money from parents.

[PorridgeGoneWrong]

Hi Bowlmeover
This is a topic I also grapple with. What does it mean when I am 'offended' at someone else's behaviour. Is that about me or about them. I now think we learn a lot of incorrect things about this (phrases like 'you make me feel' are very common).
It seems to be all to do with boundaries.

I have been reading up on this and found this website useful (for me).
www.alturtle.com/archives/197
(just an example, plenty more related articles on the same site)

I also really still struggle with the idea that no one can make me feel anything. Especially when they are being so 'horrible'!! I agree that what your inlaws are doing seems 'horrible' in your story. The question is what is their story...? And what do they know? What about deeper stories inside yourself and your self-worth? Your message seems to a be a lot about 'what you think they're thinking'.

I don't think anyone here doubts your feelings, and at the same time they must also be 'making sense' to themselves.

[Itsalwayssunnyupnorth]

Gifts come with bows not strings and from an outsider it would seem the In laws use these gifts and subsequent comments as a bit of a power thing and to keep some control over DH and keep him dependant on them like you mentioned.

[Noneformethanks]

@FinnyStory said what I meant about the car so much better than I did.

You’re basically saying it’s ok for your DH to drive a dangerous car.

If your other car isn’t safe or is a 2 door, what would you have done if your in laws hadn’t bought the new car?

[PaternosterLoft]

So if they don't like you driving your DH's car - how do they feel about you using DH's kitchen? Are they happy to eat food you have cooked for them in his kitchen? Just trying to work out if it's misogyny or progeny... I think your DH could be more proactive in pulling them up on the shared money/shared life aspect.

[Bagelsandbrie]

You and your dh need to be a team on this and start refusing their offers of financial help. They have too much power and are too involved. Your dh needs to tell them no. You need to be financially independent from them.

[Ernieshere]

Did they contribute to the wedding or 3xpect your DDad to help with most of it?

Were they at least friendly at the wedding I hope so.

[Bowlmeover]

It's definitely a power thing.
Just to make it clear that there have only been 4 gifts of larger sums of money in 10 years (once when a relative died, twice as an "extra" christmas present, once because they were feeling generous) so not like we completely rely on their handouts. I know DH has smaller sums from them sometimes for things he needs.
But it is about power.
They have previously specified what the money is for.

[Noneformethanks]

But why does he go running to them?

Small means what? A tenner?

Car and kitchen are thousands.

Why are you not financially independent from them?

[DillonPanthersTexas]

Just stop accepting the money gifts.

[Noneformethanks]

What I mean is. If your DH needs stuff - needs not wants - then you and he need to pay for that and work your budget out. Why don’t you do this together?

[cultkid]

Fuck em

Next time they come round for food say

"I'll need to ask DH if can use his kitchen to prepare you something"

"I will ask DH if I can use his car to bring the kids round"

[Sportysporty]

Why do you think they are not allowed to specify what the money is for? If im giving mu adult children money thats not a birthday or christmas gift - I want to know what its for quite frankly.

[BurtsBeesKnees]

You and your dh could refuse and tell them you plan to fund a car/kitchen on your own, but I strongly suspect they'd still find a way to belittle you as you wouldn't be able to put as much into the pot due to you working part time.

So yes, it is about power and it also sounds like they enjoy belittling you. I'd do as other posters said, when they mention the car have a reply ready. 'Yes I'm in the 'white' car, as dh prefers to drive the 'blue' one' or 'why wouldn't I drive it, it's a family car' or you could be slightly more blunt with 'if it's your kitchen then maybe you'd like to make the dinner' 'it's not your/dh kitchen, it belongs to the house so it's 'our' kitchen' if they pull you up and tell you they paid for it, simply say you're trying to instil family values, and sharing, in the dc so it's not 'mine or yours' it's ours.

[Porridgeoat]

You need to chat to your DH about being independent from them and standing on your own two feet. If they want to gift amounts that’s different to tour DH going to them hat in hand begging

[Bowlmeover]

@cultkid- I like those responses!

DH would never stop accepting the gifts so no chance of that happening.

We budget fairly well. No debts. Things are tight but will ease off when I am back in FT work and we no longer need to pay nursery fees.

[forrestgreen]

When they mention about his car, look st him weirdly and say "you do know we're married and share everything, right?"

I definitely say a gushing Thankyou when they hand over money to dh,"Oo we'll look forward to shopping with that" or "I can't wait for our new conservatory" etc

[Chezacheza]

Yep my mil was very similar right down to the car. Im NC now. You’ve got to stop taking money of them.

They don’t actually see you as part of the family. Your just their sons wife and their DGC mum.

Protect yourself and don’t put yourself in positions where they can make you feel like shit.

[Bowlmeover]

DH never asks for larger sums of money. He will sometimes ask for smaller amounts for himself if there's some technology he needs to work or something. He will always offer to pay them back but tells me he knows he won't have to.

In hindsight, our mortgage is possibly too big for us to manage now that we have DCs and I have reduced my working hours so money is a lot tighter than we envisaged. I tried working full-time after DCs but had a breakdown hence why I am working part-time until they are both of school age. Things will improve when my working hours are able to increase again.