Inlaws and money

[Bowlmeover]

My inlaws have a lot of money, my parents are poor. We've had a few cheques for nice (not huge) sums of money from them over the last few years.
My inlaws don't like to give me money however and always give the money or cheques to my husband, solely in his name.
Then when they learn that we have bought something specific with the money, a new car, kitchen etc, they start referring to it as "DH's car" "DH's kitchen." It always makes me feel like a second rate citizen.
Then, recently they wanted to give DS some money for something inparticular and FIL got the money from his wallet to hand over. I was standing right next to him and I naively held out my hand, but he turned his body completely away from me and made his way over to the opposite side of the room to give the money to DH. He seemed very assertive in the way he did it and I felt quite offended.
They clearly have an issue with me sharing their gifts of money with DH or even holding the money that they give for our children. They don't seem to understand why I have worked part-time since having our children (both pre-school age up until now) and I think they begrudge me not earning a bigger proportion of our income. It's as if they have come to believe that I am living off DH (and them) and that I am somehow undeserving, it makes me feel uncomfortable.
They can be very generous, so I feel a little ungrateful for sharing this, but I really don't like the way their comments and behaviour is making me feel.

@DillonPanthersTexas

OP, please don't employ any of the petulant advice offered here. Quite why some people think that by acting like a passive aggressive twat is going to somehow suddenly make the in laws see the light is beyond me.

Yes, they are being arses, but the elephant in the room here is that you should not be taking cash gifts from them to begin with. Either you should be cutting your cloth to suit or sitting down with your DP to work out a plan to increase your household income.

Completely agree

The issue is your DH. Every time they refer to HIS kitchen or HIS car, it's up to HIM to say, "Mum, it's OUR kitchen/OUR car" I completely understand them giving them money to him in his name. But if my dad gave me money, he'd put it in my account but doing so knowing full well that I'll probably then use the money to buy something for us as a family. Which would be fine.

So really, the problem is that your DH is quite happy to let his parents think you "sponge" off him and them. And that is what needs to change.

So my mum is like this - my mother is very very wealthy due to being the only child in an entire generation of her family and so inherited various farms/houses when she was 32 and sold the lot for her retirement fund and my wife is a poor immigrant who I convinced to move to the UK with the promise of tea & cricket. My mother is Ebenezer Scrooge personified when it comes to my wife.

I literally sat my mum down as I was getting sick of her attitude and said - she is my wife, the mother of my children. By making her unwelcome you are making me unwelcome so stop with the attitude or I will not visit you.

She huffed and denied treating my wife differently to my brother's wife but u-turned after I literally stood up and announced I was leaving at a family gathering and explained why.

Your DH needs to talk to his parents and tell them to treat you right or as an extension of him not as a street urchin begging for money. He needs to spell it out and grow a pair.

My mother is still racist sometimes but now I have the courage to call her on it and tell her it's unacceptable to be racist then she back tracks.

My wife is the love of my life and I get very cavmanny and protective of her when usually I'm very timid so apologies if this comes off a bit aggressively.

@cultkid

Fuck em

Next time they come round for food say

"I'll need to ask DH if can use his kitchen to prepare you something"

"I will ask DH if I can use his car to bring the kids round"

Terrible advice!! That's exactly what they want and is playing straight into their hands!

You don't have a PIL problem you have a DH problem.

If it was just the "big" cash gifts being given without being asked, and your PILs stipulating it was for a kitchen/car whatever then I'd say that's fine albeit they're being a bit twattish referring to it as DHs car etc

BUT when you throw into mix that your DH is regularly going to them for handouts for day to day expenses or "incidentals", from their perspective they see a son who is working hard but never has any spare cash meanwhile his wife only works part time. The resentment has obviously set in and through are letting it overspill into how they behave towards you.

You also don't know whether they have asked your DH why you only work part time, if as a family you don't have any spare cash...... he may have been an absolute wimp or evasive in his response which in turn could've added to their view of you!! I'll be brutally honest, the kind of man who goes to his parents cap in hand and knows this means they are snarky towards his wife doesn't exactly sound like the kind of man who has been standing up for you and your family decisions!

OP your husband sounds - from your description of him - to be a bit of a.....for want of a more polite expression...scrounger??

I'm not referring to the large amounts. It's the small amounts whenever he needs something. He's a parent for goodness sake! What kind of example is he setting for his kids?

I'm a (single) parent and I can count on one hand the amount of times I've asked my one remaining parent for money; and when I have, it's been out of sheer desperation after a crisis.
Before I became a parent I did fairly regularly. However after having my DC, I realised that it's my role to be the responsible one and if having a child doesn't force me to be more careful with finances, then nothing will!

The cheque in his name isn’t necessarily weird and I think quite standard. Though I do think it’s odd that they would refer to the kitchen in your joint home as just his (unless he’s the only one that cooks in the kitchen). It’s also odd that they don’t seem to think married couples normally share everything, there’s nothing of my husband’s that I would hesitate to use, and assume that’s the same of virtually all couples.

OP your husband sounds - from your description of him - to be a bit of a.....for want of a more polite expression...scrounger??

I don’t know if the word is scrounger or reliant on them financially but rhe op saying it’s him that relies on them and calling them gifts is a way of softening what it is, because he’s having to ask for money for more regular stuff he can’t afford.

It’s only a gift in the fact they aren’t expected to pay it back. It is actually thr parents financially supporting them and I assume they all think it’s because the op doesn’t work full time. They are both relying on the parents. Not just her husband. Even the situation the op describes where she put her hand out for the kids cash indicates they are even paying for the kids when they want or need stuff.

The husband clearly doesn’t want to rock the boat because they all need and want the money.

I do suspect as said there is an element of this where rhe op feels sensitive and guilty about how much they are taking and knows if she worked they wouldn’t have to do this, but she’s down playing it like it’s nothing to do with her, the way she describes her father in law giving her son money for something and her putting her hand out for it, how she describes them paying for routine things her husband needs but can’t afford.

Grown adults relying like this for incidentals isn’t healthy. Particularly when one isn’t fully working, can’t afford not to, and they are just relying on the bank of mum and dad to see them through. It breeds resentment all round.

It would be very interesting to hear how he couches these regular requests for small amounts. Can they really be "small" if they're for tech purchases? If they are and he is regularly in need of a few quid, that's even worse.

I imagine that fact that it's needed because OP is unable/unwilling to work more will be a feature in those requests. TBF OP herself says this is the reason.

You and your husband need to learn to live within your means! You both sound like leeches.
DH probably relies on them financially and practically far too much
So the money you get from them should be couched as for both of you but the responsibility for constantly taking handouts is solely your husbands? Hypocrite much?

It does read like they both rely on the parents for handouts regularly but the parents don’t give it with quite enough grace to please the op so she’s stopped even thanking them. Just enjoys it, to use her words.

Yet without them they would have one rust bucket unreliable car, their old kitchen, the kids wouldn’t have the things they are paying for, and the husband wouldn’t be having rhe routine things he needs and has to ask them for cash for.

Op, i agree with other posters advising you not to react with passive agressive or goady responses. The only person who will look foolish from that approach is yourself. It would make you look rude and ungrateful and i don't think you are either.
I also wouldn't concern myself , as some have suggested, with what PIL's situation was re MIL working and childcare and what FIL earned etc when their kids were young. You need to look at your choices, your decisions and where you and your DH are now, how you got there and what you can do to try to improve the situation. I always cringe when i read the " bet MIL didn't work when raising kids" type comments. Irrelevant and has no bearing on where you are now and how you got there. We are in different times and our lives are decided , generally ,by what we do and the choices we make. The choices our in-laws made decades ago and how they accommodated those choices are not relevant to the situations we make for ourselves in the now.

If DH is also asking for money for bits and bobs it clearly shows your family income is not matching your outgoings. Choices and priorities have to be made. I would dearly love some new tech, its not on the cards right now as i cannot afford it and need some new plumbing pipe work. I have to pay for that. I have no one to ask , i wish sometimes over the years i did . I have never had that and i do feel sorry for myself at times , its human, but then i just crack on.

The issue will only resolve if you and your DH take no further monies from his parents. Of course if you were in extreme dire straits, ask, i would always help my children. But, i would question what he and his wife were doing to get on an even keel if it were as frequent as seems to be the case here.

There is no need to put either yourself or your Dh under extremes of pressure. That helps no one. But, to relieve this situation you do need to cut your cloth and become more self sufficient.

I think I understand OP.

My DP was like this when we first got together, if he ever needed anything he'd go to his dad.

His dad always bought him and the siblings big ticket items fancy meals out anything they wanted really. It kind of stepped DP and his siblings from properly growing up.

When we got together DP needed a new car and he went to daddy to buy it. I made him sit down and budget and we repaid the car back to his dad.

DP doesn't do ti now, if we need or want anything we budget together for it.

I think FIL enjoys it to a certain extent as it gives him power over his DC, but also makes him feel needed and like a good guy for taking care for his DC.

I think it infantilises the adult DC and makes them lazy. But then I refuse to be beholden to anyone and am loathe to accept money or high value items from people.

. I'd ask Dh to talk to them and explain you are a partnership.

You work too. Wife work. Graft. That's what you do at the moment.

He should say he's noticed their daft comments about 'his' car etc and it's got to stop.

But I'd be prepared not to accept financial gifts with such a toxic side to it.

He will always offer to pay them back but tells me he knows he won't have to.

He's a bum. He needs to grow up and stop asking mummy and daddy for money.

It's embarrassing.

I think they are pointing the finger. Instead of saying your DH is a scrounger, they say you are and this means you take the blame for all the financial loans rather then their beloved son

@frazzledasarock it's very much like you describe. His younger brother behaves very similarly and I think FIL also enjoys it, as you describe.

With regards to MIL:
She has always worked FT. Non-maternal and very business minded, so they had lots of big fancy holidays growing up but spent a lot of time at childminders/ grand-parents whilst ILs worked hard running 3 businesses. They also had a good social life, although DH spent time with FIL through football at the weekends. MIL has always busied herself however so no, they don't really understand why I'm not running myself into the ground running the home, taking care of DCs and working FT. I don't mind doing most of the household stuff, but found that I couldn't juggle FT work aswell hence being PT.

In response to @Bluntness100.
One DC goes into reception from September and has received free nursery fees this year. DC2 will receive free nursery fees from next September to clear up any confusion. So we are paying nursery fees for 1 DC. One is of preschool age now, one will be of preschool age from next year.

Hmm. You don’t mind doing all the household stuff but couldn’t juggle full time work as well? Comments like these make me wonder if you would have had a breakdown if your husband pulled his weight at home. Why would any parent ever do the bulk of the house management and parenting and work full time?

Sorry obviously single parents do this all the time, I really mean why any parent like the op with a partner who is also the child’s parent specifically.

PIL dynamics can be a bit of a minefield. You think you’re marrying an individual when often you’re marrying their family as well. It is sad that the situation is what it is but your only real options are:

-1) Put up with it and enjoy the gifts.
-2) Have a word with DH and insist he doesn’t accept a single penny more from them.

If 1 is not an option for you and DH won’t comply with 2, then you have a real problem, namely DH values a new car over your happiness. It’s an integrity test for sure.

I see little success in confronting the PIL directly on this matter. They would likely play the injured party claiming you were ungrateful for their generosity; wilfully overlooking the fact that people who turn down ‘free money’ would never do so without genuine cause.

And you judge your Mil for working full time but frankly are happy to take thier money to work part time yourself 🤔

Well she was obviously maternal enough op and still is. In fact a bit too much as seems your husband is still to cut the apron strings.

I worked full time, as do millions of other women, doesn’t mean we aren’t maternal. We can be maternal and business minded you know.

You judging her for putting her kids in child care whilst she works, least she wasn’t putting her hand out for money so she could stay home.

Hi Op, i suspected that MIL had worked , this is why i always cringe at the "what did MIL do " comments on these types of threads.

Ultimately, you have made a choice to work p/t which i fully respect. I would respectfully say though that this is the choice that you and your DH made and a choice which has subsequently had a financial impact on you both. Really, having made that choice, you need to standby it and wait until you are in a better monetary position to afford new cars etc. Obviously , if your DH were to work longer hours, take a 2nd job etc, even more of the childcare and hse work would fall to you as he would simply not be there to do it. I am not sure want you want here? Swings and roundabouts.

I do think your PIL have been generous and i suspect had MiL not worked as she did ,they would not be in the position they are now to help you both, as they have. Their contributions have improved both of your qualities of life and are now subsidising you working P/t however frustrating you may find acknowledging that. We do not fully understand the dynamics at play here, also what DH does or does not do around the house , so we have to reply based on what you have said here.

As pp said many single women work F/T , raise kids and do all hse work of which i am one. I am not quite sure how to read your comment about your MIL leaving your DH in childcare. I sensed it may have been meant with negative connotations but that could be just me , so genuine apologies if that is not case. I do appreciate that working full time , solely running a house and being a single a mum is not for everyone though. ( Just as a caviat my eldest son was in full time childcare since he was tiny. He is grown up now, has a fantastic job as a hardware engineer, recently bought his own brand new car , house shares with his workmates and has not ever asked me for a penny to date.).

As i said, i respect the choice you have made and understand your reasons. However, i do not feel that those choices should mean that your inlaws are paying for big ticket items and other bits that you clearly need in order to function and travel around.

If it were me i would not take any more money off in-laws from now on and would explain to DH that i expect his support in this and that you are a unit in this, together.

This will immediately solve the issue of the way you perceive the slights from your PIL. Yes, it will most certainly affect your standard of living until you have returned f/t but this is the choice you both made and if you are receiving hand outs, its not an independent choice as effectively you are allowing/ in need of others to fund your shortfall. Many women leave work to be sahm's or reduce hrs to part time but they live within their means and accept there is a financial consequence in doing so.

I think you and your DH both need to accept that you and your DH simply do not not earn enough singularly or jointly to allow you to work P/T and support the standard of living you would both like. You therefore have to cut your cloth to suit your measure. Your expenditure is greater than your income. You both need to start living within your means and wait and save for the things you want and need.

Some very wise words here about how the OP needs to reassess her role in all this

And as for her DH asking for money - message to him, grow up!

Good post from Katherine.

I do think though that neither the op or her husband are willing to go without the hand outs. The op says her husband won’t refuse them, and in fact the unspoken is he is also asking for other money because he gets it for things he “needs” , so not just accepting, but the op must want them just as much, because without them her standard of living would go way down.