My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Inlaws and money

134 replies

Bowlmeover · 19/08/2020 22:30

My inlaws have a lot of money, my parents are poor. We've had a few cheques for nice (not huge) sums of money from them over the last few years.
My inlaws don't like to give me money however and always give the money or cheques to my husband, solely in his name.
Then when they learn that we have bought something specific with the money, a new car, kitchen etc, they start referring to it as "DH's car" "DH's kitchen." It always makes me feel like a second rate citizen.
Then, recently they wanted to give DS some money for something inparticular and FIL got the money from his wallet to hand over. I was standing right next to him and I naively held out my hand, but he turned his body completely away from me and made his way over to the opposite side of the room to give the money to DH. He seemed very assertive in the way he did it and I felt quite offended.
They clearly have an issue with me sharing their gifts of money with DH or even holding the money that they give for our children. They don't seem to understand why I have worked part-time since having our children (both pre-school age up until now) and I think they begrudge me not earning a bigger proportion of our income. It's as if they have come to believe that I am living off DH (and them) and that I am somehow undeserving, it makes me feel uncomfortable.
They can be very generous, so I feel a little ungrateful for sharing this, but I really don't like the way their comments and behaviour is making me feel.

OP posts:
Report
justilou1 · 21/08/2020 03:16

I would walk out of DH’s Kitchen (it gets a capital letter) and let DH prepare the meals for DH’s parents then. I would stop being the staff - this is how they treat you.

Report
MarthasGinYard · 21/08/2020 00:05

Ugh

Truly a pair of lifes takers

Report
Greydove28 · 20/08/2020 22:22

Fancy complaining about someone giving you thousands of pounds. I wish i had this problem Grin

Report
Porridgeoat · 20/08/2020 21:25

It’s ok to accept the larger sum gifts because they are gifts and not requested. It’s not ok for your DH to go cap in hand for technology cash.

Report
BackforGood · 20/08/2020 20:44

there have only been 4 gifts of larger sums of money in 10 years (once when a relative died, twice as an "extra" christmas present, once because they were feeling generous) so not like we completely rely on their handouts. I know DH has smaller sums from them sometimes for things he needs.
But it is about power.
They have previously specified what the money is for.

How can you say "only" ?? Hmm
You are talking about thousands and thousands of pounds - before you start getting into the 'smaller sums' your dh takes regularly.

I 'get' that not everyone manages to work FT whilst having small dc - I went to 0.6 after having dc2 - but part of that decision was taking a decision to share one car between us, to not have a new kitchen etc. If you are lucky enough to have parents who are generous enough to then gift you those things, it is in very poor taste to criticise the fact they are giving it to their child. That is a normal and natural way to give money, if one is giving to an adult child.

Report
KatherineofTarragon · 20/08/2020 20:36

Cheers @Blanca87 .

Report
Blanca87 · 20/08/2020 20:24

Hahaha! @KatherineofTarragon yet your response was really respectful. You really did not let mn down, you fought the corner of the woman she judged.

Report
KatherineofTarragon · 20/08/2020 20:17

@Blanca87 i tried to be nice... i really did... then OP rattled my cage.

Sorry, i have let the MN side down , i tried to be mature but god she pee'd me off! I may have been married to Henry Tudor the 8th for over 20yrs , but jeez this op made me want to send myself to the tower!!!

Report
KatherineofTarragon · 20/08/2020 20:09

@AnotherOldGeezer , Don't worry about all those genuine posters poster. I am fairly sure they will not lose any sleep over a money grabbing, lazy arsed , cash grabbing , bone idle, internet OP.

I suspect they won't care the OP has no money and has to go cap in hand her in-laws.

We are all busy living our best lives !

.

Report
Blanca87 · 20/08/2020 20:07

I just wanted to jump on and say @KatherineofTarragon you seem like such a wonderful human. Your post was sensitively written and thoughtfully considered. You rock, love. ♥️

Report
AnotherOldGeezer · 20/08/2020 19:15

I meant to say that I feel sorry that people who have been giving very reasonable and sensible advice have been disrespected

Report
AnotherOldGeezer · 20/08/2020 19:13

I feel sorry for the people who have been offended

I’m a parent who has given his DCs and their spouses money

And even a niece and nephew

But if any of them asked for cash, I would not be amused. Unless it was an emergency. But luxuries? Pathetic

Report
pinkyredrose · 20/08/2020 18:48

I know DH has smaller sums from them sometimes for things he needs

How embarrassing to see your husband using them for money. Maybe he needs to cut the apron strings.

Report
YesIDoLoveCrisps · 20/08/2020 18:28

I've actually stopped thanking them for things their money has bought as they don't seem to have been intended for me
If you never thank them they will probably stop giving any.

Report
Bluntness100 · 20/08/2020 17:59

@piscean10

They sound horrible to do this. Well at least you know where you stand if DH was out of the picture!
I would have to call them out on it
People like this only get away with it because they are allowed to

Call them out on what? Not making her feel good about taking their money.?
Report
Noneformethanks · 20/08/2020 17:57

I found the comments about childcare very rude.


I’m a full time working single parent.

Report
piscean10 · 20/08/2020 17:56

They sound horrible to do this. Well at least you know where you stand if DH was out of the picture!
I would have to call them out on it
People like this only get away with it because they are allowed to

Report
KatherineofTarragon · 20/08/2020 17:45

@FinnyStory yes, agree She insulted me and a whole load of other working mums with children in childcare. I am reeling from her comments.

How lovely for her to be at home while her PIL support her p/t choices that she cannot fund herself. She and her DH will continue to receive handouts, thats why she has left this thread.

I apologise in advance if this next comment is rude and breaks talk guidelines but i just need to get this out and off my chest:

That is one ignorant self obsessed , all about the money OP if i ever i saw one.
I have worked full time and raised my children full time. I did both. I am a good mum. I am a full time mum. OP, keep your hand out for your cash donations .my hand is firmly in. The only cash in my hand is that i earned myself

There , i said it!

Report
FinnyStory · 20/08/2020 17:22

Oh, OP has gone, she was enjoying it to begin with when all the advice was ridiculous PA responses to ILs, now it's turned to stop taking the money, she doesn't want to hear it.

Report
FinnyStory · 20/08/2020 17:15

It's perfectly fine to realise that you and DH, between you, can't both manage full time work and a family but you have cut your cloth accordingly and if that means a rust bucket car and a smaller house/mortgage, so be it.

If you continue to accept handouts you also have to continue to accept they are likely to come with strings, which TBF, seem fairly minor here.

I agree with PPs that you can't say it's DH who over relies on them at the same time as complaining that the handouts aren't seen as shared money.

What could you sacrifice so that "he" doesn't need this money?

Report
Sportysporty · 20/08/2020 16:58

Of course you benefit from money your DH spends on work and his motorbike - its ironic you think tjis when you want them to see family money as belonging to you both - the money your hisband is spendibg is money you as a family are not having to earn.

Report
Bluntness100 · 20/08/2020 16:57

@ktp100

Has their money been earned by both of them? As in, they were both professionals or worked at the family business equally etc?

They sound like absolute twunts, OP.

It does sound like you need to start putting them in their place a bit. You can't control what they do or say but you can do/say whatever you like.

She’s already said yes, they both earned it.

And she can put them in their place all she wants, but the hand outs will stop coming.

Sometimes there is a price to pay.
Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Badoukas · 20/08/2020 16:54

My in laws are constantly implying that I should have a better job, do more hours, earn more etc. Really hacks me off and there's a showdown brewing!!

Report
ktp100 · 20/08/2020 16:53

Has their money been earned by both of them? As in, they were both professionals or worked at the family business equally etc?

They sound like absolute twunts, OP.

It does sound like you need to start putting them in their place a bit. You can't control what they do or say but you can do/say whatever you like.

Report
JulesCobb · 20/08/2020 16:52

@timeisnotaline

Hmm. You don’t mind doing all the household stuff but couldn’t juggle full time work as well? Comments like these make me wonder if you would have had a breakdown if your husband pulled his weight at home. Why would any parent ever do the bulk of the house management and parenting and work full time?

I thought this too. Why were you doing the bulk if you were both full time?
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.