I don’t want sex with dh...but I do miss sex

[Sweetsangria]

Hi
I’m 38 and I’ve been married for 15 years, together with dh for 18 years and two dc aged 11 and 5.

We’ve never had much sex, not long after we met dh gave me an sti. He told me he’d been checked and then after admitted that he a precious girlfriend had told him she’d got the sti but he hadn’t actually been checked. For some reason, even though I only had it for a matter of a couple of weeks, it left me with ongoing issues and I really struggled for ages - whether it was purely psychological I don’t know - to have sex. Dh refused to do ‘anything else’ as it wound him up because he’s really only ever been about full sex. Consequently we just stopped. Even when we got married we weren’t having sex and I think we went a number of years without it at all until we wanted dc1. That only took a few cycles and then after dc we didn’t have sex again until we wanted dc2 - that took a bit longer but we only ever had sex at that point. The time when we might conceive. It was just to conceive.
Now dc2 is 5 and it’s been a couple of years at least. I want sex but I don’t want it with dh. He will hug me and we will hold hands but that’s it. He instigates it, never me. The sex when we’ve had it is pretty rubbish and over in a few minutes, he just goes straight for full penetrative sex and that’s it. Still, at least it’s over quickly.
I’ve said about it and he says sex isn’t the most important thing... it isn’t, but it increasingly feels as though it is important to some degree.
I don’t want sex with dh ever again, I feel certain. I just can’t go back there, I don’t think of him like that at all, but how selfish is it to end a marriage over it? When there are children involved. I don’t understand why he isn’t more bothered himself.

Oh yes dry humping too. Cos that's always fun.

Your body is telling you what your mind is denying. You dont love him or want him. He doesn't love you and he treats you terribly. This is a bad situation. You have to leave and you know it, that's why you are making all these excuses. It's going to be difficult but you have to leave him.

@Sweetsangria

He also quite often erm - pretends to hump me from behind if I bend over for any reason. That’s gross too. It’s all gross but maybe it wouldn’t be gross if I reciprocated. I feel it’s my fault because if I wanted to have sex with him it would be ok?

No. No it wouldn't. He would still do that because he is an abusive man who doesn't really give a shit about you. But you seem to be ignoring all replies and keep defending him or looking for a reason. But that is what women who have been abused do. They defend it until they can get the support they need to get out. So if you really want out, that's what you need to do. Or live the resort of you life with this disgusting man.

So what would you do if he was shagging around? Because being not that bothered is only normal if you are getting it somewhere else. There's no way 99% of men stay faithful wil an almost zero sex life.

He sounds like a giant teenager, who has no idea how to be with a woman, and love her, and have true intimacy.
It isn’t just the sex OP, you sound so lonely. This is no way to go on. You are a young woman, you could be with someone who lights up the room for you, someone who makes you feel cherished and adored.
You sound incompatible in terms of intelligence never mind sex.
I really think this is not the man for you.

I'm sure there was a thread identical to this a few weeks ago. With similar drip feed and dismissive replies from OP / OP ignoring great advice.

@FrolickingLemon Sadly, sleazy, rapey men aren't rare and women often take a while to realize what's going on and feel able to leave. Rape etc can be hard to talk about, so people often don't mention it at first. There have been quite a few threads like it, but I believe these are different women. This one has the STI element which is very nasty and I don't think I've seen that in other, similar threads.

It's not the STI .. it's the story behind it. It's not knowing the whys and the wherefores and it has eaten you up inside.

Don't forget though that the person he caught it from had been with someone else etc etc..

I think you need couples counselling to get over this

My apologies if I am wrong. It was actually the bottom slapping and dry humping that came out exactly as the one I was thinking of.
Of course I totally understand that these things often unravel at the OPs pace for good reason.

OP no. Just no.

God this has riled me right up. The entitlement of men ffs.

You asked if this was normal because you’ve had little experience. Take it from someone with a LOT of experience, it’s not normal. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced what you describe in about 20 years of dating different guys, including when I was a teenager.

You say you’d feel selfish to leave him. How unselfish of him was it to keep having sex with you when you were ill, crying, and BLEEDING.

He says sex doesn’t matter but it seems to matter enough for him to hurt you while doing it. I presume he orgasms during this sex, and I presume you don’t as it sounds shite. It’s easy for something to not feel like it matters when it comes so easily. Pun unintended.

Kids are much happier with separated, happier parents. Take it from a child of divorce.

If you want sex with someone else it’s easy to get. Men (that I’ve spoken to) aren’t as bothered about looks etc as you think. The hard bit is finding one that’s good enough to stay with, but if you want to have fun after you split then it’s easy, trust me.

Sorry about the essay, I’ve just watched The Nightingale and it’s stirred up quite the rage about men and sexual violence! If you fancy getting angry then give it a watch (but it is very graphic and there’s a lot of violence in it including that to a baby just as a trigger warning).

Basically, leave and don’t look back!

but how selfish is it to end a marriage over it

The only person being selfish is your husband, no consideration for your sexual pleasure (physically or emotionally), you're just an orifice for him to use when he deems fit. Does he disrespect you in other ways?

Life is too short for shit sex.

I've had a lot of (mostly bad) sex/lovers too. I can second @Regretsy that it isn't normal.

The dry humping etc shouldn't happen IMO.

I did have one boyfriend who used to say 'I'll only be five minutes' and 'I deserve it.' I used to call the sex 'anti-sex' as it was so sexually unappealing, until I realized a lot of it was rape; including sex with me while I was drunk or asleep, when I hadn't agreed and wouldn'tve agreed to sleep sex, so it was rape. He claimed his ex liked it, so it was ok. Not if a partner hasn't agreed to it, it ain't. I mention this just because going by this board, these type of men often assault/rape women in their sleep when they haven't agreed to it, so thought it might strike a chord with someone and help them realize what's happening to them and that they are being raped, they should get out, they deserve better.

Ugh @SoulofanAggron that’s disgusting.

We have been so conditioned to accept So. Much. Shit.

I once went on a (First) date with a very respectable guy and as I started falling asleep on my sofa he just, got his dick out. Just like that. So what did I do, kick him out? Tell him he was being ridiculous? No, of course I sucked his dick. Because that’s what a good woman does. Luckily he ghosted me after a few dates and some pretty violent sex.

I have been so lucky that the horrible ones never stuck around, but can totally relate to any woman that puts up with this shit because it’s so ingrained. I just wish I could give everyone a shot of self confidence so they believe they are worth more.

It makes me so sad and angry.

So what did I do, kick him out? Tell him he was being ridiculous? No, of course I sucked his dick. Because that’s what a good woman does

@Regretsy I'm in therapy partly due to a similar instance. I was chatting to my supposed 'friend' with benefits at the time about something deep. Looking back there was a major power imbalance in the relationship. He was a highly qualified etc guy like yours.

I finished a sentence and looked at him, expecting him to respond to the conversation. He said 'that's good now suck my cock' and I did. Just the complete lack of agency, to do that, after someone has just treated you with such disrespect.

I should've said 'FUCK OFF!' I intend to more in future.

@Anordinarymum

It's not the STI .. it's the story behind it. It's not knowing the whys and the wherefores and it has eaten you up inside.

Don't forget though that the person he caught it from had been with someone else etc etc..

I think you need couples counselling to get over this

Absolutely not - couples counselling is not appropriate for abusive relationships and could be dangerous.

But I can’t have sex with him without feeling violated.

Because he IS violating you

He's an abuser. You're living in an abusive relationship.

You find the idea of kissing him horrendous .
This is your husband , and you can’t beat the thought of kissing him . I honestly can’t blame you . The day he lied to you about bring tested for an sti , then gave it to you , that set the foundation of your relationship .
He’s a liar , he doesn’t care about you or your feelings . You don’t have sex with someone when they are obviously upset during the act , but just carry on regardless .
I understand that you don’t want to hurt him, but he has given a monkeys on the numerous occasions he has hurt you . He shows you zero respect . This is a really bad environment for your children to be raised in. I know you want to protect them , but this is not the way to do it . You may think that as it’s a sexual issue they don’t know what’s going on , but this must affect in some way your everyday life in a negative way . DC are often way more astute that we give them credit for .
I really don’t see how you can continue in a marriage where most ,if not any type of physical contact makes you feel sick . Live your life , you only get to do it once , it’s meant to be fun and filled with great memories , not fighting off sexual advances from a man who started your life together with a massive and selfish lie .

Leaving aside the abuse, manipulation, sexual aggression and rape(!)....

I talk about sex quite a lot with my friends. I'm involved in a scene that is very open about sex and pleasure. And I cannot think of a single woman who would enjoy the mechanical sex, bum slapping, dry humping, and cardboard-dry comments that you are describing.

It took me until my mid-30s to have sex that was truly pleasurable. I dated men who were so selfish in bed. Once I'd had one generous lover, game changer!

As a general rule, most women don't find penis in vagina (PIV) sex enjoyable by itself. For every woman I know it needs to come with foreplay (oral sex is too important to me now to stay with a lover who isn't into it, but there are so many different types of foreplay available for pleasure) to be any good at all, and even then there's PIV and there's PIV (good) sex.

Your husband just sounds so utterly shit at every possible thing about sex.

I promise your there are men, a great many of them, who adore giving their lover a great time in bed.

(But obviously this is more about him being an abusive rape man than good sex. It's just that since you're still insisting it's only about good sex, I thought I'd point that out too.)

I don't personally enjoy receiving oral sex, just a quirk of mine, and I really enjoy PIV, but I still would probably need a bit of warming up to get the most out of it most times.

A fair bit of playing with my breasts/nipples etc (sorry to be graphic but I just wanted to describe what good sex is like from my perspective, especially as OP said her husband isn't into oral.) Some fingering (for me mainly clitoral rather than vaginal, often at the same time as nipple stuff, after a while of the nipple thing.) I also have a magic wand toy a partner could use before or after. www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/vibrators/magic-wand-vibrators/

Doggy style is my fave position, but I know not all women like it. I've tried a lot of things over the years, but if with a future male partner, I think I'd just want 'vanilla' sex like this.

But personally I'm quite happy on my own at the moment, with the wand toy. I like not having to do the sexual 'chores' of BJ's and hand jobs as foreplay when I don't feel like it.

@SoulofanAggron

I don't personally enjoy receiving oral sex, just a quirk of mine, and I really enjoy PIV, but I still would probably need a bit of warming up to get the most out of it most times.

A fair bit of playing with my breasts/nipples etc (sorry to be graphic but I just wanted to describe what good sex is like from my perspective, especially as OP said her husband isn't into oral.) Some fingering (for me mainly clitoral rather than vaginal, often at the same time as nipple stuff, after a while of the nipple thing.) I also have a magic wand toy a partner could use before or after. www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/vibrators/magic-wand-vibrators/

Doggy style is my fave position, but I know not all women like it. I've tried a lot of things over the years, but if with a future male partner, I think I'd just want 'vanilla' sex like this.

But personally I'm quite happy on my own at the moment, with the wand toy. I like not having to do the sexual 'chores' of BJ's and hand jobs as foreplay when I don't feel like it.

Your sexual tastes are supremely irrelevant here. This is a woman who is being abused. She doesn't need advice on how to have sex, she doesn't want to have sex with him, because he's abusing her

Yeah WTF was that interjection about? Read the room

I think the main thing is respect and the desire to give you pleasure. My DP doesn’t always get me there by himself but by god he’s a tryer.

He is also the most respectful man I’ve ever met and has in the past questioned even my internalised misogyny, telling me I should never have sex with him if I don’t want to. I was shocked! He’s actually helped me unravel decades of social conditioning to please a man at my own detriment. I say this to give a concrete example of men out there who are the opposite to your ‘D’P op in this regard.

There’s nothing less sexy than a man who disrespects you and is willing to hurt you for his own pleasure.

@SoulofanAggron your sign off cheered me up, I’m glad you’re in therapy as well. I’m jealous have been wanting therapy for years but it’s so expensive.

This is very much one of those threads that frustrate me.

Posters tell OP she’s in an abusive relationship and then start getting shitty with her for not leaving immediately. Do you not understand that part of an abusive relationship is usually manipulating the partner or making them feel trapped and doubting their own perception?

Do you really think one comment of “you’re ignoring great advice” or “why are you settling for a shit life” is going to be enough for OP to undertake the massive overhaul of a divorce?!

Obviously I think OP should LTB but it winds me up when people post about their horrible relationships and then others get shitty with them for not doing as they say immediately. Give them a bloody chance.

You need to get out of your marriage your only 38 ! There’s loads of life still ahead don’t waste it being with someone who you don’t want to be with. A marriage without sex is just a friendship

I think most posters @year5teacher are suggesting she gets support.
Once you can access support and have the light bulb moment that this is abuse, then she can consider her options.
I don think the OP is there yet. Maybe if she spoke to Womens aid and sees this isn't normal and is abusive, she will start to think differently.
But it's got to be her own way. At least she is on here. The defending him will take a while to stop.

Your sexual tastes are supremely irrelevant here. This is a woman who is being abused. She doesn't need advice on how to have sex, she doesn't want to have sex with him, because he's abusing her

@CodenameVillanelle I know. I think I was one of the first people to say that in the thread- in fact I would view him 'having sex' with OP while lying to her about having had an STI test is rape. Your implication about what I was saying is not the case.

What I was saying in that post was that this is what good sex should be like. Just emphasising that her OH is not doing it (and as the PP said that's aside from all the rape.) I was mainly adding to the PP before my post. She was saying what in her opinion decent sex would be like- but for her oral was important.

I was saying that even if OP's husband doesn't like oral, he 'should' still be doing XYZ, which he isn't doing. That's aside from the fact (which is how PP put it) that he is a rapist, which I was one of the first to say.

Yeah WTF was that interjection about? Read the room

@macaroniinapot I was replying/adding to the post by @year5teacher As I said above, I was one of the first posters to say this guy is a rapist.

@year3teacher I couldn't agree more. I made a thread once and people were writing me off after a couple of days. It took me about 9 days to leave the guy after I started the thread. That was pretty impressive after how deep I was in the mire of the guy. And that's without being in a severely abusive marriage/partnership, which we know can take women a long time to leave.