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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don’t want sex with dh...but I do miss sex

101 replies

Sweetsangria · 19/08/2020 19:49

Hi
I’m 38 and I’ve been married for 15 years, together with dh for 18 years and two dc aged 11 and 5.

We’ve never had much sex, not long after we met dh gave me an sti. He told me he’d been checked and then after admitted that he a precious girlfriend had told him she’d got the sti but he hadn’t actually been checked. For some reason, even though I only had it for a matter of a couple of weeks, it left me with ongoing issues and I really struggled for ages - whether it was purely psychological I don’t know - to have sex. Dh refused to do ‘anything else’ as it wound him up because he’s really only ever been about full sex. Consequently we just stopped. Even when we got married we weren’t having sex and I think we went a number of years without it at all until we wanted dc1. That only took a few cycles and then after dc we didn’t have sex again until we wanted dc2 - that took a bit longer but we only ever had sex at that point. The time when we might conceive. It was just to conceive.
Now dc2 is 5 and it’s been a couple of years at least. I want sex but I don’t want it with dh. He will hug me and we will hold hands but that’s it. He instigates it, never me. The sex when we’ve had it is pretty rubbish and over in a few minutes, he just goes straight for full penetrative sex and that’s it. Still, at least it’s over quickly.
I’ve said about it and he says sex isn’t the most important thing... it isn’t, but it increasingly feels as though it is important to some degree.
I don’t want sex with dh ever again, I feel certain. I just can’t go back there, I don’t think of him like that at all, but how selfish is it to end a marriage over it? When there are children involved. I don’t understand why he isn’t more bothered himself.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sweetsangria · 19/08/2020 21:08

I wanted other stuff - not penetrative sex initially - because I hoped that it would help me relax if the pressure was off and MAY then lead to penetrative sex. Actually it was what the nurse I spoke to at the time suggested. Then I found every time we did have sex I bled afterwards and was really sore and it put me off.

Sexually aggressive - grabbing me all the time, making comments, sulking when I wasn’t keen (although it’s reasonable to want sex with your wife to be wife), carrying on when I was crying - although maybe he didn’t notice. It was the constant overt sexual behaviour having not shown any interest in years that was weird.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sweetsangria · 19/08/2020 21:08

to be fair

OP posts:

namechange12a · 19/08/2020 21:11

OP I'm not surprised you don't want sex with him; sounds like he's using you as a fleshlight. A partner who loves and cares about you, wants to take care of your needs. He had unprotected sex with you after being told he had a sexually transmitted disease. No wonder you didn't want to have sex with him. He's despicable.

Next time he slaps you say, 'OY OY SAVELOY!' then honk on his penis like a truck horn.

Original poster

Sweetsangria · 19/08/2020 21:11

Thank you for the replies.
Thank you soul.
I do think he views me as a thing sometimes but then he also tells me how much he loves me and the dc so I don’t know. I don’t like the slapping thing, nor the ‘I want a go on this nice piece of ass’ comments - but there’s no substance behind it really. He says this stuff but that’s it. It just makes me uncomfortable because I really really do not want to sleep with him.

OP posts:

Aerial2020 · 19/08/2020 21:13

He's sexually abusive.
The lying about the STI was the start.

MrsOldma · 19/08/2020 21:13

Do you love him? For me that’s what it comes down to. If you are genuinely in love with him then in time you can work through anything. If you don’t love him then you should end things for all your sakes.

category12 · 19/08/2020 21:15

carrying on when I was crying

You're in an abusive relationship, OP. This is not OK. This is not normal. A decent man wouldn't do this.

Aerial2020 · 19/08/2020 21:18

@MrsOldma

This is BS if he is abusive.

Original poster

Sweetsangria · 19/08/2020 21:18

But he’s never forced me on it apart from that time - and I didn’t say no.
The rest of the time - years and years - he’s not pushed me on it at all and I think most men would have.
He didn’t know for certain he had the sti but when I told him I’d tested positive he then said the girl he’d been with before me had told him afterwards that she had it but he assumed because he’d got no symptoms that he must be clear. However I should have known better because he’s never liked using condoms and didn’t want to use them from the word go. It was me who insisted and then he said he’d been checked.

OP posts:

Aerial2020 · 19/08/2020 21:22

@Sweetsangria

But he’s never forced me on it apart from that time - and I didn’t say no. The rest of the time - years and years - he’s not pushed me on it at all and I think most men would have. He didn’t know for certain he had the sti but when I told him I’d tested positive he then said the girl he’d been with before me had told him afterwards that she had it but he assumed because he’d got no symptoms that he must be clear. However I should have known better because he’s never liked using condoms and didn’t want to use them from the word go. It was me who insisted and then he said he’d been checked.

Oh Op. Stop defending him. This post is you taking all responsibility for his behaviour. My god, the sentence 'he has never forced me apart from the one time'

There should never be a one time. You sound conditioned and your body is responding by saying enough. Listen to it. Your body (and your mind) don't want to have sex with him because he is abusing you.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2020 21:22

Your marriage is a misery and a nightmare. I can't even begin to understand why you haven't divorced him years ago. What a pitiful waste of your life.

Original poster

Sweetsangria · 19/08/2020 21:23

Because most of the time the sex hasn’t been an issue. If he’d wanted it we’d have likely split before now. He’s not shown any interest most of the time.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 19/08/2020 21:25

he’s not pushed me on it at all and I think most men would have.
No op, most men aren't rapist's.

category12 · 19/08/2020 21:25

What do you get out of the relationship now?

What makes you stay?

Aerial2020 · 19/08/2020 21:26

Please speak to Womans Aid or other support Op to see that this isn't normal.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/08/2020 21:27

But he’s never forced me on it apart from that time - and I didn’t say no.
Men who force sex onto a woman, there's a name for them op. What would you call him if it had been a friend and her husband has forced her?

CodenameVillanelle · 19/08/2020 21:32

So he lied to you, gave you an STI, refuses to engage in foreplay or discuss your needs?

Yeah, you can end a marriage for this. You can end one for any reason you like to be honest. Life is too fucking short.

IdblowJonSnow · 19/08/2020 21:33

Not sure what you want here OP. It's very clear this man is an arse no matter what label you stick on him.
It wont get better. You're not getting any younger.
It's not all about whether you meet anyone else or not.
You only get one life. Your kids should see a happy mum being treated with love and respect.
I agree the damage was done early doors but that doesnt mean you cant leave now just because you e stayed all this time.
Have you told him not to slap your backside? What does he say?

Veryverycalmnow · 19/08/2020 21:34

Ok, the sexual side sounds absolutely awful. What is stopping you from ending this (apart from DCs)? If everything else is perfect then the kids might be happy if you stay together, but if he's been like that in the sex department and abusive traits coming through, it does make me wonder is he ever horrible in front if them? The fact you're posting this on here makes me think you need a way out. The kids may already sense your unhappiness. Two separate happier households are sometimes better...

mcmooberry · 19/08/2020 21:47

I don't think you can stay with him long term. You'll never want to have sex with him again. I think you are only putting up with the no sex because it is so rubbish with him, at some point you will crave it with someone else. You can definitely meet someone else who you are far more compatible with. Even if the sti was herpes which you still will carry, it doesn't tie you to him for the rest of your life and certainly doesn't stop you having other relationships.

Sakurami · 19/08/2020 21:47

So his foreplay is a slap in the arse and sex is just penetrative ? He's a shit lover so aside from everything else, no wonder you don't want sex with him.

TenDays · 19/08/2020 21:54

He treats you like a prostitute, not a wife. Being jumped on and shagged like a blow-up doll is soul-destroying, as you've found.

How about having a word with a solicitor, just to establish your rights?

Vodkacranberryplease · 19/08/2020 21:58

He is at the very least crap in bed because he is a selfish, inattentive lover with poor technique. I am always amazed by men like this. How do they keep their wives? How do they not put two and two together s as bd realise that her headaches are because he is just shit in bed?

No. You do NOT have to live like this. He can't be bothered making an effort and that would infuriate me. It's just so disrespectful. If he's otherwise ok it's a blind spot but he's not interested in changing,

If you think at 38 your sex drive is over you are very wrong. You will spend at least the next 10 years climbing the walls and then go back to where you are now. So if he's a selfish pig you don't need to stay, you really don't. I wouldn't.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2020 22:09

Is this really all you want for the rest of your life?

Original poster

Sweetsangria · 19/08/2020 22:21

When I mentioned that I was unhappy and that we never had sex, that’s when the sexually aggressive behaviour started. Maybe it just felt aggressive because I didn’t want it, but he was very insistent and constantly saying we’re going to bed early tonight, I can’t wait to get your knickers off, etc etc. It stopped because I got cystitis badly, I knew it was happening but he said that was a handy excuse so I kept agreeing to it and then was really ill.

I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t want to upset my happy and well adjusted dc - and it is just sex isn’t it. Lots of people live without it. He loves the dc. I go back and forth and back and forth.
On the other hand, I don’t want sex with him but I also don’t want to say well that’s it for a sex life forever.

OP posts:

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