I don’t want sex with dh...but I do miss sex

[Sweetsangria]

Hi
I’m 38 and I’ve been married for 15 years, together with dh for 18 years and two dc aged 11 and 5.

We’ve never had much sex, not long after we met dh gave me an sti. He told me he’d been checked and then after admitted that he a precious girlfriend had told him she’d got the sti but he hadn’t actually been checked. For some reason, even though I only had it for a matter of a couple of weeks, it left me with ongoing issues and I really struggled for ages - whether it was purely psychological I don’t know - to have sex. Dh refused to do ‘anything else’ as it wound him up because he’s really only ever been about full sex. Consequently we just stopped. Even when we got married we weren’t having sex and I think we went a number of years without it at all until we wanted dc1. That only took a few cycles and then after dc we didn’t have sex again until we wanted dc2 - that took a bit longer but we only ever had sex at that point. The time when we might conceive. It was just to conceive.
Now dc2 is 5 and it’s been a couple of years at least. I want sex but I don’t want it with dh. He will hug me and we will hold hands but that’s it. He instigates it, never me. The sex when we’ve had it is pretty rubbish and over in a few minutes, he just goes straight for full penetrative sex and that’s it. Still, at least it’s over quickly.
I’ve said about it and he says sex isn’t the most important thing... it isn’t, but it increasingly feels as though it is important to some degree.
I don’t want sex with dh ever again, I feel certain. I just can’t go back there, I don’t think of him like that at all, but how selfish is it to end a marriage over it? When there are children involved. I don’t understand why he isn’t more bothered himself.

If you think that lack of sex is the only problem in your marriage, you are sorely mistaken.

What about all the times he has hurt you?
Why is he more important than you?
You were in pain with cystitis and he said that's hardly an excuse?
He is abusive Op. He is hurting you.
Save yourself from this awful awful marriage. It can be done.
First you need support and accept that this isn't right.
I urge you to speak this through with a professional and get some help.

It's not 'just' the sex OP. It's the fact that he doesn't care about you enough to make an effort to please you and in fact got sexually aggressive. The opposite of someone who is on your team.

Is he a good husband? Pull his weight? Make your life easier? Make time for you? Because these types are ususlly rubbish out of bed as well as in.

It’s not “just sex”. What you’ve described there is rape.

You need to think carefully about your future and your dc. Do you have someone IRL you can trust with this? If not please at least look on the Woman’s Aid website

@Sweetsangria also i notice you’re yet to use the L word. If you’re not in love with him then what’s the point?

I care about him, I don’t want to ruin his life.
But I can’t have sex with him without feeling violated. He doesn’t seem that bothered about sex and I don’t want sex with him so staying with him means no sex going forwards for either of us.
I find the stuff he says ‘I’m going to knock the back out of you’ ‘get your knickers off and lie back and think of england’ repulsive but I have no frame of reference for what is normal in a relationship because normally people don’t tell you things their partner says. So is it repulsive or is it because I just don’t want sex with him? I don’t know.
But normally he just says these things and then moves on, there’s no substance to it.
He works hard at his job and is good at it. He doesn’t do anything around the house and he doesn’t do much with the children.

Leaving him would ruin his life? Come the fuck on. You're just making excuses to stay. He's absolutely horrible.

Ok if you take away the rapes and abuse from this scenario you’re left with a wife who doesn’t love her husband (you’re yet to say you do).

So you’re depriving the pair of you from finding loving, fulfilling relationships (we're putting the rapes etc to one side remember) and setting horrible examples for your dc.

Now we put the abuse back in the picture and nothing about what you’ve described is normal. Not one thing

Yes it is repulsive and no it's not normal.
I feel you will keep defending him til you realise it's not.
His job has got nothing to do with how he sexually abused you.

In terms of a frame of reference it's not normal to just stick it in, move it around a bit and that's it. Very very much not normal.

What he says is normal if done as part of a fulfilling sex life, and said playfully, amongst many other things. But I'm afraid I couldn't tell you about a crap shag guy because I've never stayed with one. It's the kind of bigging themselves up sexually but never delivering thing some crap shag guys say I suppose.

So he isn't interested in his children, you do everything in the house (so your job is 24/7 his is 40-50 hours a week). I imagine holidays involve you cooking etc too?

I guess it probably would ruin his life losing his servant. Like he ruined yours lying about an STI and giving it to you.

But if your bad is that low cest la vie!

Sorry if your BAR is that low.

He’s always refused to give oral sex, which is fine. I mean some men don’t like it and he shouldn’t have to do anything he doesn’t like.
He doesn’t even seem fussed about receiving it and I honestly don’t think I could now anyway, I feel sick thinking about it.
I find the idea of kissing him horrendous too. Basically I just don’t want to have sex with him.
If he pushed it again then I guess I’d have to leave because i couldn’t stand it but because normally he doesn’t it makes it difficult. He seems happy, the children are happy...

Oh god OP you are living a life of misery. Lie back and think of England? Dear god. He's got no tenderness or reverence or desire for you. Just a hole. Honestly, that's absolutely vile.

@Sweetsangria read that last one back to yourself! He shouldn’t have to do it if he doesn’t want to......

Don't forget that by age 50 a lot of the men you could potentially shag will have ED. So if you want good sex you probably have about 12 years for it to be a bit more reliable/less disappointing than it will be after that.

I'm not saying men over 50 are crap, all have ED, or sex with a man with ED is always bad. I'm just saying we have to make hay while the sun shines and grab it with both hands.

I care about him

He's a rapist who fucked you up. Don't care about him, get angry.

I find the stuff he says ‘I’m going to knock the back out of you’ ‘get your knickers off and lie back and think of england’ repulsive but I have no frame of reference for what is normal in a relationship

I think you do- you know this is wrong, or wrong for you. And that's what matters. What would you want as normal in a relationship you were in? How would your idea of a decent partner talk to you about sex?

Think of the media's portrayal of sex. People slate that as being unrealistic. But no man would talk like your partner does there unless it was a comedy and he was the joke - a laughable extreme turn off.

Add in the rape element and it would be a thriller about how a woman could escape this disgusting man.

No, he shouldn’t. But equally in a longterm relationship it’s reasonable to think sex should happen sometimes. Although I say this and he doesn’t seem interested anyway. And it’s not that I want him to be, in fact if I was it would make everything much worse.

@Sweetsangria again I’ll ask you Do you love him?

He seems happy, the children are happy

You're a person just as much as he is and your happiness is just as important. Your kids will be ok- lots of parents separate.

I can’t wait to get your knickers off,

This is so off-putting. I don't know how any man thinks a woman would find this appealing.

Along with the groping...it's an absolute turn off.

He's crap in bed apart from anything else.

Why why why are you settling for such a shit life? It's mind boggling.

Partly because I don’t want to lose my children potentially 50% of the time.

I find the things dh says grim, even though there’s nothing behind it and I know he’s not really that bothered about having sex anyway.

He also quite often erm - pretends to hump me from behind if I bend over for any reason. That’s gross too. It’s all gross but maybe it wouldn’t be gross if I reciprocated. I feel it’s my fault because if I wanted to have sex with him it would be ok?

I'm sure there was a thread identical to this a few weeks ago. With similar drip feed and dismissive replies from OP / OP ignoring great advice.

I can totally relate. Sex with my ex felt like a violation. I think it boiled down to him treating me like an object. He was my first and within a couple of weeks of starting to have sex he brought out a porn dvd and vibrator - that was his solution to helping me enjoy sex. Yuck. I was with him for 10 years and sex was always unenjoyable. I avoided it as much as possible and it was a huge issue in our relationship.

I tried to communicate that I just felt like a hole. Totally detached from the sex. I didnt want every hug to result in having an erection rubbed on me. He never understood.

Lucky for me he cheated and that was the final nail in the coffin. Took a couple of years to adjust to being a single parent but I'm so glad I'm out of it.

Not me.
I’m not ignoring it, I just think often people say ltb quite quickly and there’s always two sides to things.
However it is good to have it confirmed to me that the behaviour isn’t normal.