If you've experienced verbal and/or emotional abuse over a long period, a question...

[namechangeling100]

How well are you able to describe what happened to another person who isn't your abuser eg a therapist?

I am finding it extremely hard to recount any of the abuse, because I feel like my brain does not remember in some ways.

So, for instance, my therapist will ask me 'what did he say?' and my mind goes blank. In that moment, I feel like I literally don't know.

Is this common, not common but not unknown either, or am I just losing the plot? I can sometimes identify the category of things said, but it's like in my memory of the verbal abuse in particular, there's just a buzzing.

Maybe it will help to write things down as you remember them? Sometimes put on the spot my brain goes blank so I find this helps. 💐💐

That's a good idea. I don't often remember details, but maybe if I pay more attention I might be able to 'catch' some.

I feel like I've just done a really good (bad) job of blanking it all out. Like I've got a censor in my head who just bleeps out the words.

I will even dream of the abuse, but all that comes out of my abuser's mouth is a stream of nonsense sound.

I suppose I just wonder if other women have experienced this.

Because it makes me feel like a fraud.

Yes I know what you mean. I think I have blocked a lot of it out and I also cannot remember a lot of instances.

Then i remember things at random times and think 'oh shit, i forgot to mention that thing'.

I have put it down to a coping mechanism to be honest. I was very much gaslighted and didn't know my arse from my elbow at some points. So I was 'used' to forgetting things as that is what was drummed into me all the fucking time. So sometimes i still really do think that I just do forget a lot. But I am sure its is more that I have mentally blocked a lot of things rather than forgotten. You are not losing the plot namechangeling, you are healing.

I agree to writing it down when you remember. It also helps you let it go. In theory I could go back and look at witness statements but I never do ...

I tried therapy and it didn’t work for me and I think that’s why. I am unable to retell the horror from years back. For various reasons. I don’t want to relive it and much of it I have no memory of. Other family members who supported me and helped me out of my situation will say things like... ‘do you remember when....’ and give a very detailed account of an instance that I was very much the epicentre of and I swear I have no idea what they are talking about. To be clear, my abuse started age 10 and ended age 21. I know i was mentally abused but I can’t recall specifics although many others can. I’ve read that sometimes you brain takes the most awful things you have witnessed and locks it in a box for you never to think about again. A sort of self protection from the truth. I don’t know if that’s what’s my brain does but it makes sense

Yeah what everyone else said. Wrote it down when you remember. I have decided it’s a protective thing my brain does. I don’t know if it is but that’s how I’m explaining it to myself

I actually can’t, and I think that’s ok. It’s been possible to work through the after effects a without giving the specific details.

Oh and you’re not losing the plot. It’s very common. Try to be gentle with yourself

I experienced emotional abuse for 4 years and I do remember particular instances very well, what he said, how i reacted, where we were.

However, the physical abuse I remember much more vaguely and as you said upthread, I feel like a fraud.

I think writing it down can definitely help.

I would also Google "repression" and see if that sounds familiar.

I think this is very common. A lot of abuse is very difficult to describe...even when you are in it you dont realise it's abuse for example. Sometimes it's all so overwhelming as well.
I believe it's a coping mechanism. I too remember things at totally random times. Just so much happened...

That's reassuring to hear, lilylion

I do trust my therapist; if this is common, I guess I can just tell her what I've said here? I don't think she's asking to get me to prove anything, more trying to get a handle on the kinds of things I heard over and over.

Write it all down, then you have time to recall what happened, rather than being on the spot/in the heat of the moment.

Then you can refer to what you've written in therapy.

@DetectiveSpector

I experienced emotional abuse for 4 years and I do remember particular instances very well, what he said, how i reacted, where we were.

However, the physical abuse I remember much more vaguely and as you said upthread, I feel like a fraud.

I think writing it down can definitely help.

I would also Google "repression" and see if that sounds familiar.

That's interesting.

I do remember where we were quite a lot of the time, down to tiny details like a bit of paint being chipped off a doorway. I can kind of see things as a movie without sound.

I used to draw pictures of how I was feeling. They just came out of me. I would take them in and we would discuss.

For me this really helped. Everyone is different.

I wrote loads down as it was happening as sometimes I found it impossible to process. I was emotionally abused for a few years, sometimes verbally but never physically. As I have just posted on another thread, I still have very deep feelings about what happened & think I may need counselling to work through them. I stayed with DH & it’s a million times better now but there’s still a lot of resentment there & I think I’m angry with myself for tolerating his behaviour back then. It’s affected DD a lot too.

I was physically abused as a teen, and honestly, I don't remember that either. I know that it happened, I know who did it, I remember the settings and time of day it nearly always occured in, but I do not remember the actual hitting. I know it was always to the face and head, but I don't recall it as a series of memories.

Is that what people mean when they say 'what happened?' Like, you have the gist of it, it's a story you can tell in general terms? It's knowledge of what happened, but not a memory you can pull up?

I could never remember the actual words, but I was able to give a general gist and then say how it made me feel and why. Are the actual words important or is it more important to be able to say how you felt about what was said?

I agree name, i remember really vivid (seemingly irrelevant) details, as you said about the paint chipping.

I think its our brains way of protecting us perhaps so we don't have to live over it again and again?

I have a lot of trouble identifying how I felt or recalling an emotion/s. Maybe my therapist thinks by recalling what was said, I'll be able to access the emotion linked to the incidents.

I feel like a dumb idiot robot who just tells this one story over and over - he said and did cruel things over 15 years - but no, I don't know how that made me feel, and no, I don't recall.

But it is reassuring to know that other people sometimes don't remember actual words or can give detailed descriptions.

@PamDemic

I have just come out of what I believed to be a verbally abusive relationship. I am already struggling to remember the actual incidents. I'd find it hard to explain it to a therapist or my friends now. I'd also find it hard to explain to him, and that worries me because I worry that I wouldn't be able to stop myself giving him another chance (which I'd already done actually).

Have you tried writing down actual incidents?

I'm sorry you've had this experience too.

No, I haven't tried writing anything down. I might try.

@DetectiveSpector

I agree name, i remember really vivid (seemingly irrelevant) details, as you said about the paint chipping.

I think its our brains way of protecting us perhaps so we don't have to live over it again and again?

Yeah, makes sense.

It just makes me feel like I'm going mad a bit. Like, why am I even upset if I don't remember it?

When I has therapy years ago for something else ( IE not your situation but similar ) I found it hard to speak like in other ways you can’t shut me up but at that time anything remotely emotional was like my brain just clammed up and I couldn’t think what to say so I’d imagine it’s quite normal OP I will say with continued therapy though I managed to get over this and found /find it much easier to talk about things that are upsetting to me

Good luck