If you've experienced verbal and/or emotional abuse over a long period, a question...

[namechangeling100]

How well are you able to describe what happened to another person who isn't your abuser eg a therapist?

I am finding it extremely hard to recount any of the abuse, because I feel like my brain does not remember in some ways.

So, for instance, my therapist will ask me 'what did he say?' and my mind goes blank. In that moment, I feel like I literally don't know.

Is this common, not common but not unknown either, or am I just losing the plot? I can sometimes identify the category of things said, but it's like in my memory of the verbal abuse in particular, there's just a buzzing.

because it was so distressing that your brain has blocked it out to protect you.

But its still there underneath, eating away at you. Making you feel shame that doesn't belong to you. Because it is an empty void inside of you that knows that what you want is irrelevant.

Because it still happened. You may not remember every finite detail but it still happened. That's why you're upset. Dont beat yourself up, the mind is an amazingly complex thing!

I have exactly this same thing. Both physical and emotional, childhood and adult. I know certain things happened and were said and done but sort of can't remember or block/blank so much out.
I also feel like a fraud. I feel sort of lucky there's physical evidence. It makes it harder to explain properly to anyone including professionals and support services. Maybe why sometimes it's harder to be believed and why it's easy for abusers to portray us as lying mad women.

I think it's definitely a coping mechanism. I'm luckier than you in that I recorded (on advice from helplines) some of the emotional stuff. Occasionally if I'm doubting myself I listen to some of it. It's hard hearing but helps me remember and accept it's real and actually happened. Also writing as much down as possible. Preferably at the time but sometimes once you start writing about (even years later) some memories will come back. I wrote about some incidents on here and only remember when reading back my posts.

I sometimes wonder about hypnotherapy. Whether it would help.

Has your therapist talked about dissociation? If things feel unreal, or you focus on unimportant details (like a paint chip) it can be your mind looking for a way to escape whats being done to you. You can have trouble remembering specific dates or the order that things happened.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_%28psychology%29

It’s something that can happen when we’ve been through what amounts to repeated trauma - we find at the time we ‘froze’ and couldn’t speak, then evoking what happens is hard because words and feelings won’t match up. Might you be able to ask your therapist about other ways of working? Some people find using objects, images or other non-vocal ways of describing things easier - for instance, making a collage, choosing an image or a photo’.

I have been experiencing verbal and mental abuse from my husband for the past few years. It's got increasingly worse since lockdown started and has turned somewhat narcissistic. I also have a very hard time recalling the things he says and scenarios that caused hi to go into his outbursts. I have wondered more and more if I have adult ADHD because I find it very difficult to recall (not just the verbal abuse but even where I left my keys and phone). He's definitely damaged me mentally.

I have started making notes on my phone right after he says things so I remember, and I have also started recording him as proof just in case I ever need it one day.

Write it down in chronological order, maybe write out years (2001, 2002, 2003) in a word doc and start where you can, write everything good and bad, and you can then go back and edit, add things, add feelings, it will all start to come out. It is amazing. I did this about some childhood experiences and it was so strange as I used to say to people "she wasn't abusive, we just didn't get on" and after writing it all out, it turns out she was very abusive, including physically, for a number of years. Somehow the narrative I had been given by her had overridden or downplayed events and writing it down meant I was able to see it more objectively.

The same will apply to your more recent relationship, it will eventually come out.

And more than that, by reading it back to yourself a few times you actually give it somewhere in your brain to be processed apparently. I would sometimes go blank but sometimes it felt like a memory was running around in my head trying to find somewhere to tag on to and getting lost. By reading through what I wrote I gave my memories somewhere to go, something to tag on to, meant they became more structured and easier to recall in a structured way, and I was then able to process and move on. Apparently (I have learned since then) this is a therapeutic strategy, it is a way to overcome past trauma.

Dissociation definitely for me. I know what the effect has been in the broad sense, that the ongoing effect was me feeling worthless, that certain events made me feel scared, but I struggle to remember specifics, why I feel this, what he said. I can remember the fear but not why, its all disconnected in my mind. And yes replay without sound, I can see me an him, where we were standing but not hear what he/we were saying.

It is mostly emotional and gaslighting. I feel like a fraud, not just the not remembering specifics but also the degree of things. When I read on here what others have gone through I think why do I feel so traumatised and have flashbacks when others have survived much worse. Why do I feel scared when none of what he did was 'that' bad. He's twisted things so much I struggle to see my own point of view anymore.

I agree with the writing things down as they come to you. Something will trigger a memory out of nowhere and I'll remember what he did or said or how I felt and I've been writing them down in Google docs on my phone. A separate Google account he doesn't know I have. I find when I reread what I've written sometimes more details or a different incident will pop into my head. It's never when I'm trying to remember. I assume a certain phrase or smell or sound brings them back. It can be a trauma response. Depending on how dissociated you are you may still remember the feelings or your body might remember in a physical reaction to him. Like when I think of certain days or places I can't remember what was said but I feel physically sick with anxiety. My body remembers.

The memories are there, whether you can access them or not so you can still be effected at a subconscious level. The memories might be locked behind a wall as a self protective measure but they still exist within your brain. That's why they can still effect you or pop up if triggered.

Mine was years ago now, but I know what you mean.

I tend to remember things by being triggered by reading examples or explanations of abusive behaviour or other people's stories. Books like Why Does He DoThat? Are good for this. You can write them down th en when you remember.

As @seafoodseafood said, I'm writing some stuff out in a lot of detail. But I probably didn't experience such intense experiences. Some things people have said I remember all too vividly. EMDR is good for that.

I did do my life as a timeline once in counselling years ago, which was enlightening.

One of the guys I only just realized was emotionally/verbally (and physically/sexually, but I knew that bit) abusive.

You not being able to remember exactly what happened, especially with any physical abuse is completely normal and anyone who understands psychology or neurology will 100% get it. You've heard of the fight or flight reflex, that's controlled by the amygdala in the brain. When it's triggered in times of high stress, your body gets a massive surge of adrenaline, and one of the side effects of that is around memory, I think particularly around sequencing of events (but could be misremembering that, best look it up!). Basically, the chemicals in your brain limit your brains ability to store the data in a coherent way. That's partly why if you ask 10 people who witness a stressful event - a fight, car accident etc - for their version of events they will all differ slightly. Go easy on yourself, and as previous posters have said write things down as you remember them. Any therapist will be well aware of what I've just said and should be compassionate about that. Good luck in your recovery - I'd recommend the freedom programme if you haven't already done it.

You are totally normal and it is very common. It’s called dissociation. It is your brains coping mechanism. When something traumatic is happening your body tries to protect itself and can ‘switch off’ when things are too much to handle. There are lots of different types of dissociation and some are more common than others.
As you get further away from the abuse, sometimes your body/mind feel it’s safe to start accessing some of these things that are stored away and you might experience random flashbacks. These too can be in many forms a they can be visual, auditory or even bring back the physical feelings.
When you try to describe things to your therapist it may still be too much for you and so you switch of again.
Also, a good therapist wouldn’t necessarily ask you details of what happened. They would talk about the impact and resulting behaviours that are affecting the way you live now and help you to acknowledge and address the issue without recounting specifics so that you can address the presenting behaviours and situations that stem from the abuse.
It has been proven that for a lot of people, retelling does nothing to help the healing process but only re-traumatises.

I feel that. I feel so much worse when I talk about it, even just the generalities, It's like it's happening again.

It has been proven that for a lot of people, retelling does nothing to help the healing process but only re-traumatises what i have read is that psychiatrists believe that what can be talked about can be healed, that a physiological change in the brain takes place at the time the memory is processed and a memory will carry on retraumatising from time to time until it is properly processed, but i am not certain, and I would be interested to know where you have read about what you have said.

Just to add, though, that I found it incredibly painful when I first wrote it down, like it was happening again, and it was only after reading it through and effectively seeing it through different eyes, I felt progressively free of it, more in control of it. This is just my personal experience though.

The words just aren't big enough to capture how horrific it all was and how profound the feeling is around the trauma. I think this is why people are more comfortable talking about traumatic events with those who've been through similar. Then you don't have to describe a feeling for which no words can do justice.

I've been writing through stuff about one guy and today I finished writing out all the important bits. I've felt rough for the whole time I've been doing it but now I've got to the end of it I feel like my old self. Now on to the next guy.

Yes, they do say that just talking about it doesn't help, but for me I wanted to let off steam about it all, that's just what I personally wanted to do.

What's supposed to help is you then rewrite/reclaim the narrative i.e. you experienced X, Y. Z and you responded in various resourceful ways, so despite what they may have told you you are not crap, you have all sorts of qualities.

EMDR is also proven to help with trauma, and has helped me with some unpleasant memories, but for this particular stuff with abusive men, I just wanted to work through my emotions. It is fascinating.
I had anger and under that was stress or whatever and under that is shock etc etc.

I'd think that the therapist wanting to know exactly what was said or was felt is putting you on the spot/almost demanding that you explain yourself - which could be what you experienced on a daily basis - and then you were dismissed, laughed at or ignored to punish and teach you not to open your mouth again.

Something like 'What did I say? I simply pointed out the truth about you. Tell me one thing I said about you that wasn't true. Come, on, tell me why I'm so wrong. See, you can't, because it's all true. Truth hurts, doesn't it? God, you're - (turns on heel and walks away, followed by days of no eye contact, no speaking to you, glances down the nose at you and curling the lip in disgust and contempt...)'

So it's not that it didn't happen, but that not being able to verbalise what happened was inherent in the abuse?

I have felt the same way namechangeling - five years for me since separating and still struggling to articulate what happened at times. Totally identify with PPs saying that the nature of the abuse can make you feel unsure and stuck when trying to describe what happened.
What helped me was Iurking on the Relationships Board and noting down in a journal any comment I recognised in my relationship with XH. Would that work for you perhaps?
*Disclaimer: no user names were noted, just the opinions/comments that struck a chord with me.
I don’t know if IWBU or if doing that would ‘feel’ right for a lot of people (I have cognitive difficulties due to disability and can’t always articulate my thoughts) but I also felt very diminished and voiceless after it all ended, the way so many of us do. I wish I could have acknowledged posters when I did this: the validation it gave me was all I had to keep my head above water at the time.
I’m starting to feel safer and braver - some days at least, hence the post! I hope I can support other posters/lurkers in turn when my MH and confidence is back on track. OP, you and everyone else who feel able to post now honestly have no idea how much your words have kept me going these last few years. I’m sure there are many other MN users who feel the same.

I have dissociative amnesia. It's thought to be connected to childhood trauma. I disconnect from reality at times of stress.

I get flashbacks of what happened and they are just images or short memories of what happened.

I couldn't understand why an argument reverted back into going over past events or why something minor got upgraded to WW3.

I've pieced together what happened for one major event and many other more minor incidents. Writing the bits I can recall helps. I then more easily fill in the gaps over time. I now have a much clearer recall of what happened and the flashbacks are much rarer and the disconnect is less.

I think it's an important step. It makes me know that I didn't cause the arguments, I wasn't unreasonable, I wasn't at fault.

I can also pick up on what I did or said to set him off. He objected to my attitude and the disrespect I had for him when I didn't do what he wanted or behave how he wanted me to behave.

I wasn't loving enough towards someone who was treating me horribly. There were legitimate things he did that I was unhappy about and was quite right to bring up.

Thinking about it, I've been thinking recently that I can only remember a few unpleasant things my father said/did. Yet I feel there must've been more than that.

^What helped me was Iurking on the Relationships Board and noting down in a journal any comment I recognised in my relationship with XH. Would that work for you perhaps? *Disclaimer: no user names were noted, just the opinions/comments that struck a chord with me.
I don’t know if IWBU or if doing that would ‘feel’ right for a lot of people (I have cognitive difficulties due to disability and can’t always articulate my thoughts)^

@BabiaMajora It feels perfectly right. I think I did it with a few people's comments here. And I noted down a lot of Richard Grannon's stuff on YouTube or from the audio version of his book 'How To Take Revenge on a Narcissist' (the title is a bit tongue in cheek- it's a good listen, would recommend.)

I can't remember words but the incidents are as clear as clear.
One thing I would like to ask is if you try to apologise for it happening and explain how your abuser may have been feeling? I did that throughout my therapy and really shouldn't have

@awishes

I can't remember words but the incidents are as clear as clear. One thing I would like to ask is if you try to apologise for it happening and explain how your abuser may have been feeling? I did that throughout my therapy and really shouldn't have

Yes. I always try to make sure I don't blame him inappropriately by trying to take into account the context.

Idk. I tried writing one thing down. There was a lot of name calling. Words like sut, fucking btch'. Isn't that just swearing? I know that's a dumb question. But if I say, he called me a fucking b*tch' won't people just shrug? It's not that bad.