If you've experienced verbal and/or emotional abuse over a long period, a question...

[namechangeling100]

How well are you able to describe what happened to another person who isn't your abuser eg a therapist?

I am finding it extremely hard to recount any of the abuse, because I feel like my brain does not remember in some ways.

So, for instance, my therapist will ask me 'what did he say?' and my mind goes blank. In that moment, I feel like I literally don't know.

Is this common, not common but not unknown either, or am I just losing the plot? I can sometimes identify the category of things said, but it's like in my memory of the verbal abuse in particular, there's just a buzzing.

@MitziK

I'd think that the therapist wanting to know exactly what was said or was felt is putting you on the spot/almost demanding that you explain yourself - which could be what you experienced on a daily basis - and then you were dismissed, laughed at or ignored to punish and teach you not to open your mouth again.

Something like 'What did I say? I simply pointed out the truth about you. Tell me one thing I said about you that wasn't true. Come, on, tell me why I'm so wrong. See, you can't, because it's all true. Truth hurts, doesn't it? God, you're - (turns on heel and walks away, followed by days of no eye contact, no speaking to you, glances down the nose at you and curling the lip in disgust and contempt...)'

So it's not that it didn't happen, but that not being able to verbalise what happened was inherent in the abuse?

I do have vivid memories of that look of contempt. That's seared.

Emotional, physical, sexual abuse throughout childhood and I just completely disassociate, I dream of incidents and have even had out-of-body experiences where events re-happen. I've not yet found a therapist I have been able to open up to and am currently on a waiting list for EMDR.

From a couple of years ago I have been writing about my childhood, but it's so very difficult removing the emotional feeling of fault, lack of self-worth, self-esteem and self-respect. I hate to say it but self-harm is the only way I can glean control.

(Have dx of PTSD/CPTSD/GAD/anxiety and major depression).

@SimplySteveRedux

Emotional, physical, sexual abuse throughout childhood and I just completely disassociate, I dream of incidents and have even had out-of-body experiences where events re-happen. I've not yet found a therapist I have been able to open up to and am currently on a waiting list for EMDR.

From a couple of years ago I have been writing about my childhood, but it's so very difficult removing the emotional feeling of fault, lack of self-worth, self-esteem and self-respect. I hate to say it but self-harm is the only way I can glean control.

(Have dx of PTSD/CPTSD/GAD/anxiety and major depression).

Oh, I relate to this. But I'm so sorry, also, to hear your experience.

Last weekend I knew I couldn't self harm, but I had to keep visualizing it to get relief from feeling so bad about....idk. I'm too scared to tell my therapist I spent the weekend soothing myself thinking about guillotines. She will think I'm crazy. I think I'm crazy.

I think I'm crazy.

Nope, you're absolutely not. Just a coping mechanism to deal with the bump in the road.

So, for instance, my therapist will ask me 'what did he say?' and my mind goes blank. In that moment, I feel like I literally don't know

You can take control of this if you wish.

'He stopped. He turned and he looked at me. His lip curled and his face told me that he thought I was...'

It's so not the words for some people. It's the non verbal communication. The posture. The look in their eyes. The silence.

You can tell the therapist this. Sometimes the words will come back afterwards, but sometimes there aren't any to remember, because they said everything silently.