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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lack of sex and affair

65 replies

belle777 · 17/08/2020 17:46

Hi all, first post on here. I've been married for 10 years and have a child with my husband. Husband has shown little to no interest in having sex or being affectionate with me for about 6 years. There's no cuddling, sitting close to each other on the sofa, or kisses (other than a very quick, dry peck when he comes home from work) as he doesn't like it and he rejects me pretty much every time I ask for sex. We have had sex 3-4 times a year for the past 4 years. He's repeatedly refused to go to the doctors or seek couples counselling and seems perfectly happy with the current situation. He doesn't appear to like or love me and I feel like I could just be anyone, just a housekeeper who looks after his child. However, I am desperately unhappy, and he has known this for years. A few months ago I joined a dating site thinking I could just have sex with other people to stop me feeling so unhappy and resentful. However, I met someone lovely and have fallen in love, and I'm now leaving my husband. My husband is so angry and upset and I'm feeling so guilty. But he has told me he hasn't loved me for a long time. I guess what I'm asking is, am I a bad person?

OP posts:
Notjustabrunette · 17/08/2020 18:10

You should not have gone behind your husbands back and had an affair. You should have broken up with him for living in a loveless marriage and him not addressing the issue. The outcome would have been the same, but with a lot less hurt. For all involved.
Are you a bad person? Well I’m not here to judge you but I would say you have made decisions that we’re not in the best interest in your future relationship as a co parent.

theworldhasfallenoutmybottom · 17/08/2020 18:14

You are only as bad as him. If he hasn't loved you for a long time he should have told you as soon as he realised this

Torres10 · 17/08/2020 20:47

No of course you are not a bad person, you just found yourself in a difficult situation!
Whilst it would be better if you could have had a clean break, more for your state of mind than anything else, whats done is done.
I say grab your new found happiness and go live your best life, its too short to keep looking over your shoulder!

vegansprinkle · 17/08/2020 20:49

What are you hoping to achieve with this thread?

SoulofanAggron · 17/08/2020 20:54

Obviously you shouldn't have had an affair. Your husband does sound like a bit of a twat, though.

jessstan2 · 17/08/2020 21:10

You are not a bad person. Of course it would have been better to leave your loveless marriage before finding someone else but that is history. The only thing that concerns me is you said you joined a dating site a few months ago and have since met someone with whom you are in love; you haven't known this chap very long and sometimes such things don't last when the first flush of passion has worn off.

Do you plan to move in wth your new man, taking your child? That is a big risk.

It really would be better for you and your husband to part but live alone for a while, in a place of your own (whether rented or bought), and gradually build your new relationship. Imagine the disruption for your young son or daughter if you lived for a while with new chap, it didn't work out and you had to go back to husband.

Please think carefully about it.

I don't blame you for wanting love but a child needs security, so do you.

Original poster
belle777 · 17/08/2020 21:37

Thanks all, I'm aware I shouldn't have had an affair and I feel terrible about it, I really do. I'll be moving out on my own in rented accommodation and we'll share custody. Eventually my new partner will live with me but we are going to take our time. I'm just finding it hard dealing with the anger of my husband - just need to move out ASAP. I wish it had been a clean break.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 17/08/2020 21:43

Bit late to have regrets now...

FWIW meeting randoms for sex isn’t better than “falling in love”, I wouldn’t use that as an excuse.

justanotherneighinparadise · 17/08/2020 21:50

I think that sounds fair enough OP. Go be happy.

rumqueen · 17/08/2020 21:51

It is what it is! Life is too short go for it.

GhostOfMe · 17/08/2020 22:00

If you wanted a clean break you should have spoken to your husband instead of joining a dating site and seen if he'd be willing to open up your relationship or if you needed to separate. That you expected just to have sex with strangers isn’t any better than falling in love, so no excuse.

He should have told you he didn't love you and given you a chance to seperate if that's what you wanted. And you should have spoken to him instead of signing up to a dating site. You would have ended up in the same place but perhaps without the anger and hurt. It is what it is now. All you can do if you haven't already is acknowledge your part in this and apologise for your part in things, without blaming him for your actions and try to deal fairly with your STBX in future.

fuckingcovid · 17/08/2020 22:06

You're a normal person who wants to love and be loved. Your husband is not.

I am so glad you've found someone who feels the same about you as you do about him. Good luck 💘

Belle1983 · 17/08/2020 22:16

@belle777, as someone who has been on the opposite side of an affair, I'm usually quite black and white on these things. BUT...I also lived in a loveless marriage with no intimacy for years, and I know how deeply lonely and damaging to my self esteem that was. I really empathise with that part of your post.

You know you could have done things differently, but what's done is done.
Even though an affair hurts like hell, I still hoped at the end my exH was happy and actually loved the person he cheated on me with.
I hope your new relationship works out well, and with time your husbands anger may subside a little.
Good luck- don't beat yourself up. You're not the first and won't be the last.

Lovestoned · 17/08/2020 22:17

@fuckingcovid totally agree.

Spend some time thinking about why you stayed though, and didn't just leave first, before seeing someone new. Was it about revenge? A need for security? Fear of the unknown? You might have a weakness there, that you need to do some work on, so it doesn't happen again.

jessstan2 · 17/08/2020 23:48

@belle777

Thanks all, I'm aware I shouldn't have had an affair and I feel terrible about it, I really do. I'll be moving out on my own in rented accommodation and we'll share custody. Eventually my new partner will live with me but we are going to take our time. I'm just finding it hard dealing with the anger of my husband - just need to move out ASAP. I wish it had been a clean break.
Well done, belle. Your planned course of action is the right one. There's no point in looking backwards and wishing things had been different. We all have regrets.

I hope your husband comes to terms with it - and acknowledges how his lack of love for you was a major contribution.

Good luck.

Newbracelet · 17/08/2020 23:50

You lack integrity.

Blossomorange · 17/08/2020 23:53

He refused intimacy, refused counselling and has apparently not loved you for ages. I’m you’re obviously not a bad person and nothing wrong in seeking some affection imo. A lot of judgy people here - not sure they would feel the same if they were in your position.

OhYeahYouSuck · 17/08/2020 23:58

@Newbracelet

You lack integrity.
What a pointless 'contribution' you made.

Just go with it OP. What did your husband expect to happen. I know of a couple that this happened to and the one who wouldn't engage in any intimacy was hugely angry, but when they refuse to do anything about it, what do they expect.

I hope you and your new man are very happy.

Blossomorange · 18/08/2020 00:02

Hard agree. I’m honestly surprised at how judgemental people are on the OP.

achillesratty · 18/08/2020 00:09

You are obviously not a bad person, you are a woman.

If a man came on here and said he had an affair because he wasn't having sex with his wife he would get his arse handed to him.

You don't sleep with other people if you are in a monogamous relationship, it's a shitty thing to do.

wildcherries · 18/08/2020 00:21

@achillesratty

You are obviously not a bad person, you are a woman.

If a man came on here and said he had an affair because he wasn't having sex with his wife he would get his arse handed to him.

You don't sleep with other people if you are in a monogamous relationship, it's a shitty thing to do.

Every time. Agree.
WinterAndRoughWeather · 18/08/2020 00:22

Life is short, and it’s not black and white. Your husband has a bloody cheek being angry with you if he’s spent years knowing you were miserable and refusing to engage with your proposed solutions, or even show you any affection.

The only thing I would say is that you’ve handed him the moral high ground, if that matters to you, but women leaving their shit husbands generally get judged whatever the circumstances, so you can’t win.

I hope you find some happiness.

Newnamenewopenme · 18/08/2020 00:25

I think a lot of people stay together as they are scared to break their routine and they see their routine as being in love, but it’s habit.

In an ideal world you would have had a clean break, however it probably wouldn’t have ever happened because you were stuck in your routine.

Having an affair obviously isn’t perfect but it was the change you needed to get out, good luck with your future!

Scorpiowoman80 · 18/08/2020 03:57

What’s done is done and what matters is yours and dc happiness! Who wants to be in a sexless marriage? A loveless one? Not you so anyone that says you’re a bad person, ignore them!

MylittleLovebug · 18/08/2020 12:56

You're not a bad person.

Sometimes life is complicated, you dh was aware you were unhappy, refused to get help together, refused to be intimate in any meaningful way, not just sex but cuddles etc.

Affairs are not good but I hope it works out for you.

The poster who put if ir was a man etc. Well actually I would say tje same thing if their dw refused to acknowledge their unhappiness, refused to engage in trying to make it better, I would understand the reason for the affair, again not ideal but life is to be lived