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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lack of sex and affair

65 replies

belle777 · 17/08/2020 17:46

Hi all, first post on here. I've been married for 10 years and have a child with my husband. Husband has shown little to no interest in having sex or being affectionate with me for about 6 years. There's no cuddling, sitting close to each other on the sofa, or kisses (other than a very quick, dry peck when he comes home from work) as he doesn't like it and he rejects me pretty much every time I ask for sex. We have had sex 3-4 times a year for the past 4 years. He's repeatedly refused to go to the doctors or seek couples counselling and seems perfectly happy with the current situation. He doesn't appear to like or love me and I feel like I could just be anyone, just a housekeeper who looks after his child. However, I am desperately unhappy, and he has known this for years. A few months ago I joined a dating site thinking I could just have sex with other people to stop me feeling so unhappy and resentful. However, I met someone lovely and have fallen in love, and I'm now leaving my husband. My husband is so angry and upset and I'm feeling so guilty. But he has told me he hasn't loved me for a long time. I guess what I'm asking is, am I a bad person?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 18/08/2020 12:57

I wouldn't judge you at all

SandyY2K · 18/08/2020 13:11

Is always better to leave a relationship before starting a new one.

He can be angry about it... but your focus should be your child and maintaining an amicable relationship in order to coparent.

That should be the aim for both of you...in order to minimise the impact on your DC.

OhYeahYouSuck · 18/08/2020 16:25

@achillesratty

You are obviously not a bad person, you are a woman.

If a man came on here and said he had an affair because he wasn't having sex with his wife he would get his arse handed to him.

You don't sleep with other people if you are in a monogamous relationship, it's a shitty thing to do.

I'd say exactly the same if it was a man. I wouldn't blame anyone in this situation, male or female.
mondayfeels · 18/08/2020 17:55

Finding love does not make you a bad person. Good people do bad things and bad people do good things, all the time. Who is which and what they do is nothing more than an opinion.

Your new relationship, how it started and anything else to do with it, does not define you as a person.

Manolin · 18/08/2020 18:12

@belle777

Thanks all, I'm aware I shouldn't have had an affair and I feel terrible about it, I really do. I'll be moving out on my own in rented accommodation and we'll share custody. Eventually my new partner will live with me but we are going to take our time. I'm just finding it hard dealing with the anger of my husband - just need to move out ASAP. I wish it had been a clean break.
I would push some space between you and new partner - and I mean some serious space. In that time, work on you and your DC and make them THE most important thing as well as supporting your husband's relationship with DC whilst remaining respectful of their new future.

If new partner is right for you, they will wait for you. It really is as simple as that. You get a second chance to finish one book and close the cover gently, before starting the next book. But do not crowd your DCs years with trying to overlay too much. I have been there and done it and the effects are long term.

Manolin · 18/08/2020 18:13

The effects of getting it wrong are long term.

Skyla2005 · 18/08/2020 19:23

No your not. You e done what most people do in the end when in an unhappy marriage that’s meet someone else and that’s what you’ve done. Life is too short to spend it unhappy your a long time dead. Good luck

AnnaFour · 18/08/2020 19:34

Having an affair was bad but it doesn’t make you bad full stop. It would have been better to leave first before meeting anyone but I get your reasons for what you did.

I think your husband has a right to be angry that you had an affair. But I also think he has no right to be angry you’ve left him since he made it clear he didn’t want you or to work in your marriage.

So bad was done on both sides.

baterwaiter · 18/08/2020 20:00

I’d be very cautious if I were you. Not sure what you have done is great and to be honest the other poster is correct, if this was a man posting he would have his “arse handed to him”

Sometimes when you are starved of affection, it’s very easy to fall in love with the first person that shows you any attention! That can be a mistake. You are talking about moving in with someone you have only just met. Is he single or was it a dating site for married people? He hasn’t got much integrity either dating a married woman.

jessstan2 · 19/08/2020 01:03

@Newbracelet

You lack integrity.
That's very judgemental.

We have to be able to walk in other people's shoes to understand them.

The op hasn't come on here trying to justify herself, she knows she could have handled it better but at least she will go it alone for a while. She needs comfort and encouragement, not vilification.

Vodkacranberryplease · 19/08/2020 02:36

He's angry because you have inconvenienced him. He was happy to keep you ticking along with no love or affection for years, maybe the rest of your life, even though he knew how desperately unhappy you were, just do you could go his housework. So fuck him. Seriously what a nasty tosser.

Don't feel guilty. And don't feel guilty about your children. Letting them live in a house where they see that every day and grow up thinking it's normal is FAR worse than getting out and showing them what love can be.

The idea that any person should be forced to live like that by another disgusts me. The idea that this is somehow a more stable environment to bring children up in is just outrageous.

Do it. Just be happy, he had his chance and he chose to do what is tantamount to abuse. So too fucking bad. He can do his own housework.

Cheeseandwin5 · 24/08/2020 14:06

If you want to see the other side of ppls responses ( and maybe the same ppl) just repost your message and swap genders- You will then suffer a torrent of abuse rather than the softly softly approach many are giving you

Pinkdaisies645 · 24/08/2020 14:15

Of course the OP lacks integrity. If you are in a relationship where it's not working then someone with integrity LEAVES the relationship, they don't actually JOIN a dating site and screw someone else. Pathetic behaviour.

Dery · 24/08/2020 15:21

“I would push some space between you and new partner - and I mean some serious space. In that time, work on you and your DC and make them THE most important thing as well as supporting your husband's relationship with DC whilst remaining respectful of their new future.”

This. Of course you should have left before having an affair but I have very limited sympathy for your H given his treatment of you.

But please take it super slowly with the new guy. It’s way too soon to tell whether he is the real deal. You are not in the right emotional shape for starting a relationship and, having been neglected for years, are very vulnerable to being exploited emotionally now.

You shouldn’t even be discussing him moving in with you yet even if you’re just discussing it as a future event - it’s only been a few months and you have no idea how this relationship will pan out in reality as opposed to fantasy. If he’s a fully functioning adult, there should be no rush to live together at all.

Leaving your neglectful H should be about building your life as a strong woman standing on her own two feet and loving life - not about getting straight into another relationship.

Original poster
belle777 · 31/05/2021 18:15

Hi all, thank you so much for your advice and judgemental and non-judgemental posts, all was welcome! I just wanted to come on here and say my boyfriend that I met through the affair is simply amazing. He was already divorced and has two slightly older boys himself, he's a fantastic provider, and is so kind, affectionate and compassionate I'm counting my lucky stars every day! We've been living together since January, my boys love him and feel very settled as do I. I feel incredibly lucky and very much cherished and loved, much more than I've ever felt in the past. We are over 18 months together now and I can honestly say it is just getting better! Sometimes the grass really is greener, who knew?! Obviously every case is different, but I've never looked back, so for those of you struggling along in relationships where your partner is simply not interested, in any shape or form, sometimes it is better to cut your losses. Ex husband has also calmed down and seems happy too. Good luck everyone x

OP posts:
Cloudfrost · 31/05/2021 19:43

Yes you are a bad person.
If you were a guy everyone would have buried u alive.
If u were unhappy you should have left and not cheated

Christmasfairy2020 · 31/05/2021 20:12

I wouldn't move your bf in this will confuse your dd!!!

Christmasfairy2020 · 31/05/2021 20:14

Glad it has worked out xx

Christmasfairy2020 · 31/05/2021 20:17

But don't forget we had a big lockdown last march til December time so you didn't really get to know your bf much. So you have been officially together 9 month? With a lockdown in the middle x

Divebar2021 · 31/05/2021 20:24

Your DH was going to be hurt by you going whatever the circumstances. In fact leaving for an affair is easier to understand than leaving for nobody else... I should think that would be torturous in many ways . In this case you failed in monogamy but that doesn’t mean you failed at everything across the board... it doesn’t mean you’re automatically a bad parent for example. And yes I would say the same to a man. MN doesn’t see shades of grey in these situations at all but good luck to you and your ex husband. Hope you can both be happier moving forwards.

Footloosefancyfree · 31/05/2021 20:30

Life isn't black and white unfortunately people seem to want to put the boot when people are down. By his own mission he stated he hasn't loved you for years rejected. Take this opportunity to be happy you only get one life.

GappyValley · 31/05/2021 20:35

Good that it’s worked out and your abhorrent behaviour wasn’t totally in vain

Lovely have you rationalise the damage you’ve done to your ex as him having finally ‘calmed down’

People who have affairs are scum
So to answer your original question, yes you are a bad person. I hope karma catches up with you one day

OneMamaAndHerGirl · 31/05/2021 20:56

@vegansprinkle

What are you hoping to achieve with this thread?
What are you hoping to achieve with that comment?

She clearly wants reassurance after being treated like she’s invisible for years. Got nothing relevant to say don’t say anything at all.

IAmADoorbell · 31/05/2021 21:02

Yep a really trashy thing to do, but hey it's all worked out for you hasn't it? I hope your ex-DH finds a decent person in his next relationship, now he's shot of you.

OneMamaAndHerGirl · 31/05/2021 21:03

@IAmADoorbell

Yep a really trashy thing to do, but hey it's all worked out for you hasn't it? I hope your ex-DH finds a decent person in his next relationship, now he's shot of you.
Do you feel better now? Has that poisonous comment made you feel good? I’d rather be cheated on then stuck with a wife as horrid as you.