Lack of sex and affair

[belle777]

Hi all, first post on here. I've been married for 10 years and have a child with my husband. Husband has shown little to no interest in having sex or being affectionate with me for about 6 years. There's no cuddling, sitting close to each other on the sofa, or kisses (other than a very quick, dry peck when he comes home from work) as he doesn't like it and he rejects me pretty much every time I ask for sex. We have had sex 3-4 times a year for the past 4 years. He's repeatedly refused to go to the doctors or seek couples counselling and seems perfectly happy with the current situation. He doesn't appear to like or love me and I feel like I could just be anyone, just a housekeeper who looks after his child. However, I am desperately unhappy, and he has known this for years. A few months ago I joined a dating site thinking I could just have sex with other people to stop me feeling so unhappy and resentful. However, I met someone lovely and have fallen in love, and I'm now leaving my husband. My husband is so angry and upset and I'm feeling so guilty. But he has told me he hasn't loved me for a long time. I guess what I'm asking is, am I a bad person?

Do you feel better now? Has that poisonous comment made you feel good? I’d rather be cheated on then stuck with a wife as horrid as you.

Nothing "poisonous" about it. She asked for opinions and I gave mine. Head Girl of MN position is not vacant yet (as far as I know), so save the sanctimonious claptrap

All the best op, it's nice to have a proper update, as half the time the thread appears, is discussed then ...

@IAmADoorbell

Yep a really trashy thing to do, but hey it's all worked out for you hasn't it? I hope your ex-DH finds a decent person in his next relationship, now he's shot of you.

With all due respect, it was her dp, that caused the issue to begin with.

Some unnecessary, nasty comments on here. Almost venomous. OP you were having a shit time with your ex, he couldn't have been happy either living his life with someone he didn't love. You did nothing wrong in my opinion. Glad you found happiness. Life's too short and all that, not just for you but your ex. You're not a bad person, you're human.

Please be cautious with the new man. I only say this as someone who was once in your position. The excitement of wonderful things sometimes overrides your mind. Don't rush in to this new relationship with vigour, be cautious.

@Christmasfairy2020

But don't forget we had a big lockdown last march til December time so you didn't really get to know your bf much. So you have been officially together 9 month? With a lockdown in the middle x

Someone who signs up for online dating to pick up men for sex while married with children, and then declares themselves to be ‘in love’ and moving in together after a few months clearly isn’t the sort of person who is going to pay much attention to lockdown rules either...

My boyfriend that I met through the affair is simply amazing

Are you quite sure about that? After all he's knowingly entererd into an affair with a woman who's married with kids, which would suggest to me that his own integrity's a bit skewed

18 months is still very much the "honeymoon period", but I wish you luck - especially if you find the same thing being done to you in future

Lovely news. Everyone has the right to love

You moved a random bloke off the internet in to live with your children?

And you think they "love him"?

@belle777

Hi all, thank you so much for your advice and judgemental and non-judgemental posts, all was welcome! I just wanted to come on here and say my boyfriend that I met through the affair is simply amazing. He was already divorced and has two slightly older boys himself, he's a fantastic provider, and is so kind, affectionate and compassionate I'm counting my lucky stars every day! We've been living together since January, my boys love him and feel very settled as do I. I feel incredibly lucky and very much cherished and loved, much more than I've ever felt in the past. We are over 18 months together now and I can honestly say it is just getting better! Sometimes the grass really is greener, who knew?! Obviously every case is different, but I've never looked back, so for those of you struggling along in relationships where your partner is simply not interested, in any shape or form, sometimes it is better to cut your losses. Ex husband has also calmed down and seems happy too. Good luck everyone x

And what happens when the honeymoon is over and you come back down from the clouds? You know, when you start feeling invisible again and only get the odd dry peck on the cheek?

With all due respect, it was her dp, that caused the issue to begin with.

That is BS. She joined a hookup site looking for sex and had an affair. I think the issue is squarely with her. Instead of trying to sort this out with her DH, she took the cowards way out. I've read countless threads of women on here who's husband has left them for another woman - you never see an ounce of sympathy. I'm staggered that you can say he was the cause of her affair.

Moving your children in with a man you'd been officially (after your time having affair with him which isn't real life) with for five months (during a pandemic and dealing with the aftermath of your marriage ending, so again hardly real life) was ridiculous.

You say it's ended up brilliantly and they love him. What if they hadn't? If he had been horrible to them?

You took a gamble when it comes to their wellbeing. Really sad and really risky.

I don't think affairs make you a bad person. People have affairs for all kinds of reasons and life isn't very black and white.

I do however think affairs can be cowardly. But in this instance neither you nor your husband have had the guts to communicate your feelings properly so the cowardice is on both sides.

But I also think it can be hard to have that confidence also when you're downtrodden over years and years, and your husband clearly didn't want to lose his privileges of childcare and home management or he wouldn't have also stayed in a loveless relationship.

So I can see why when you find someone you're compatible with you might have a boost in confidence.

It doesn't really matter what we on the internet think.

People have had affairs and people will continue to have affairs for reasons they feel are justifiable to them.

You're taking action and making plans in the right steps forward so I would stop caring about your husband's anger because as I said, it probably doesn't come from a place of suddenly realising you were a perfect match, and he really loves you, but probably from a place of realising he's losing a lot of good things.

Hi all, yes quite a lot of vitriol on this post, but thank you all for your supportive or otherwise opinions. I did comply with lockdown rules, and we did a lot of video calling when we couldn't visit.

Ex husband and I share custody so my children are only here 3-4 nights a week and my boyfriend is generally only here for 2 of those nights as he visits his children. Rest assured if I had any concerns whatsoever about his ability to get on with my children he wouldn't be here.

My ex has stated several times he is much happier now - tbh he just wanted kids and I was the necessary tool, once he had them he completely lost interest in me. The anger was more about the macho pride of MY WIFE rather than any real feelings of loss regarding actual ME if you know what I mean.

I did try, for years and years, to get the intimacy and affection I craved - I suggested doctors appointments, relationship counselling, and told him that I couldn't live like this many many times. We went months without even touching. Once he sat next to me on the sofa (which he never did normally - it's just because our kids were on the end) and our arms brushed and I cried as it had been so long. He just brushed it under the carpet and went about his life as if nothing had happened.

I really don't regret anything, sorry if that offends some people in their ivory towers but I'm literally the happiest I've ever been. We've met each other's families and kids, we are buying a house together and we'll be getting married when the divorce comes through. It may seem fast to some people but when you know, you know. I finally understand that old adage! Take care everyone xx

No you are not a bad person, he shows zero love or affection for you, he can't be bothered to discuss it or get help and treats you like a scullery maid. He deserves it.
If he cared for you at all he wouldn't treat you like the housekeeper.