My STBXH has rewritten out entire 14 relationship

[JustBeingMoi]

So my stbxh has left me spluttering with rage, disbelief and hurt for telling me I am the cause of all his anger. The whole lot. Nothing else. Just me.

Back story. I asked him to leave nearly 3 months ago due emotional and verbal abuse, with some pushing kicking shoving pinning incidents thrown in there for shits and giggles.

Since this point i have been told that I guilt tripped him into proposing, forced him to get married and have our dd. He has accused me of ostracising him from his friends, when i have actively encouraged and organised gatherings.

Today he told me that I caused all of the anger that caused him to behave the way he did towards me. So basically it was all my fault. So not only am I abusive and coercive, but my marriage was apparently a sham he was forced into entering into, as was parenthood, and the abuse I experienced at his hands, was all my fault.

I am overwhelmed by feelings of hurt, anger and frankly disgust that he has used my genuine affection and love for him, and my desire to commit to him completely, and turned it into something dirty, shameful and as justification for his terrible treatment of me.

Honestly not sure what the point of this post is apart from utter hurt, devastation and a desperate need to vent. Earlier he told me I had no right to still be hurting, because I ended it because I couldn't be bothered to save it. Despite years of me desperately trying to salvage something. He has also cited my PND as a cause of his anger.

At no point has he ever seemed concerned I was close to suicide at this point. Everything has always been about the impact on him. My pregnancy was somehow about how my behaviour was difficult for him. As was my PND and endometriosis. I mean don't get me wrong, I appreciate these are difficult things for him to cope with, but it hasn't been a walk in the park for me. I'm a pretty resilient person, but the last few years have come close to destroying me entirely. And I have repeatedly sought professional help, whilst it took me walking out for him to get help with his anger.

Why oh why do his word still hurt me so badly? How can I be free of this hateful man!? I'm currently balls deep in trying to sell our house and even the is something he uses against me, saying its amazing I can do all this now i'm single, but couldn't be bothered to help him with things when we were together. 3 months and this man still makes me cry.

Thank you everyone for your amazing advice and support!

Yep, same here. It was horrible to to hear & upset me for a while.

But now I see it for what it is; misogynistic, manipulative crap.

Ignore him, you know the truth and that’s all that matters.
Mine did this too! I found some of his claims amusing. He was a massive atheist when we were married and he used to publicly ridicule religious preachers on the streets. In reality I gave him shit about this but he has now found God and has told people he was always religious but I stopped him going to church! Then there was a FB post along the lines of ‘As you all know I’ve struggled with my weight and was ridiculed about it in my marriage, now I’m delighted to have lost 2 stones thanks to my wonderful new wife’ I never once commented on his weight as I’m hardly skinny myself. I did laugh when I saw him recently and he looks like he’s regained the 2 stones x3! These new friends (all made since we separated) don’t know me and probably believe it but I don’t care anymore. I doubt he’s told then he was an abusive cheating twat! They’ll find out what he’s like soon enough.

OP, you just need to give it time. It's shit at the moment, I completely get it. Try not to let him get you down.

I apparently also had an amazing power (during my marriage)....according to STBXH, it was me (I'm pretty much teetotal, bar a drink on my birthday and a drink at Xmas) who caused him to have to turn to drink and drugs (and all the toxic shit that goes with alcohol/drug addiction) - plus turn towards OW - because I was so hard to live with. Never mind the fact that I tried EVERYTHING to get him help and supported him (I was the breadwinner) for the last 6yrs of our marriage (whilst he drank - I found out about the drugs a lot later - disappeared, lied, almost cost me my job as I was having to drop everything and be there for the kids/him etc etc).

Seriously, if I had that sort of superpower (the power to change someone's behaviour so completely), I would have saved myself a shit load of bother over the years: he would never have gone near alcohol, drugs and OW, nor would he have been so abusive towards me over those years. I did point that out to him...and I also pointed that out to:

• the judge who presided over the hearing for the prohibited steps order preventing him from having unsupervised contact with DD.

-SS (I made a self referral to make sure they could see I was doing everything to safeguard the DC). -the schools of the DC. -oh, and the ILs.

Readers, would you guess what?! They all believed me, and STBXH soon shut up (particularly as his drug and alcohol abuse strangely continued AFTER he'd flounced moved out!!!

My STBXH is doing the same. Apparently I've been utterly selfish for our whole 28 year relationship, despite the fact that he did no housework or childcare even when we were both working full time. Apparently him going out to work in a stressful job was all he could be expected to do and I never appreciated him.

I really loved this man for over 20 years and forgave his moods, his laziness and his sometimes very hurtful behaviour over and over again. Now I'm just money grabbing and ungrateful. I'm definitely with you on how much it hurts and I'm trying to be angry rather than sad to keep myself going.

@TicTac80 *I did point that out to him...and I also pointed that out to:

• the judge who presided over the hearing for the prohibited steps order preventing him from having unsupervised contact with DD.

-SS (I made a self referral to make sure they could see I was doing everything to safeguard the DC). -the schools of the DC. -oh, and the ILs.

Readers, would you guess what?! They all believed me, and STBXH soon shut up (particularly as his drug and alcohol abuse strangely continued AFTER he'd flounced moved out!!!*

Haha funny how telling the truth and standing up for yourself just seems to work.

It's the only way. Did you end up with more stress? More abuse? No. He STFU and stopped. Ladies please don't let a single comment pass without a rebuttal. This is too important to let lie.

Ah @Vodkacranberryplease, I just relayed to the powers-that-be what he told me....i.e. that I'd made him turn into this monster. Now, I certainly didn't force him to do drink/drugs/the OW and act like a total w@nker at knife or gun point. So somehow according to him there must have been some subliminal telepathy going on, with me magically forcing him to behave like an abusive cock-knuckle. It really was news to me that I had this awesome power....and more so that I would use it in a way that would make my own life hell for years.

I must also add that IF(!) we all had these amazing superpowers, wouldn't we have all done our bit and made the world a happier, more peaceful and safer place (no crime, no abuse etc etc)? I know I certainly would have (bear in mind that I'm an HCP...why on earth would I magically conjure up drug/alcohol abuse in another person along with the other crap?!). I also would have had a DH who was clean/sober/faithful/respectful/loving/honest....and my kids and I wouldn't have had to live with all the shit of the previous years. Isn't it weird how we have all somehow turned people into outright tossers who rewrite history and can't face up to their own faults?

For me, I logged the shitty behaviour (with my solicitor, the police and SS) and it took a PSO being granted (at which point the Judge also ordered a CAO be made at the same time, giving me full residency of the DC, and not allowing DC any overnight stays with STBXH) along with STBXH getting a verbal dressing down from the Judge for his behaviour, that made him stop being verbally abusive. Funniest thing was that when he and OW split, SHE apologised to me for believing him!!!

Case of bad attention is better that no attention.
It is better to cut all contact minus the bare minimum. When to collect child, when to sign house for sale and divorce papers. Can you email him with those things oor text? And nothing else. Do not retaliate to any of his drama. Ignore ignore. I hope you are already in separate homes? If not, this bit will be the most difficult, till you get your own place

Mine is another 'Abuser Textbook' aficianado. Not only has he rewritten history, but is also indulging in part 2 - 'Erasing history'. We are currently clearing out the marital home and it seems like he has no interest in keeping much of anything that points to our relationship having existed. I'm surprised, as there are quite a few things we've picked up over the years that I was sure he would want, but he couldn't care less. Narcissist that he is, he seems to have had a sentimentality bypass as well as an empathy one.

Whoever said 'cock-knuckle' I salute you. Fantastic insult and one I plan to use going forward 🤣

Oh yes @everythingbackbutyou, he is trying to scrub it out like it never happened. He has repeatedly told me he is over me, and wants to forget that it has ever happened. Charming as we share a beautiful daughter, but i suppose he will just have to pretend she was delivered by stork. He wants nothing from the house that remind him of our shared history. Like he can just pretend 14 years hasn't happened. Sad isn't it. Mine for sure is a narcissist with a sentimentality bypass.