My STBXH has rewritten out entire 14 relationship

[JustBeingMoi]

So my stbxh has left me spluttering with rage, disbelief and hurt for telling me I am the cause of all his anger. The whole lot. Nothing else. Just me.

Back story. I asked him to leave nearly 3 months ago due emotional and verbal abuse, with some pushing kicking shoving pinning incidents thrown in there for shits and giggles.

Since this point i have been told that I guilt tripped him into proposing, forced him to get married and have our dd. He has accused me of ostracising him from his friends, when i have actively encouraged and organised gatherings.

Today he told me that I caused all of the anger that caused him to behave the way he did towards me. So basically it was all my fault. So not only am I abusive and coercive, but my marriage was apparently a sham he was forced into entering into, as was parenthood, and the abuse I experienced at his hands, was all my fault.

I am overwhelmed by feelings of hurt, anger and frankly disgust that he has used my genuine affection and love for him, and my desire to commit to him completely, and turned it into something dirty, shameful and as justification for his terrible treatment of me.

Honestly not sure what the point of this post is apart from utter hurt, devastation and a desperate need to vent. Earlier he told me I had no right to still be hurting, because I ended it because I couldn't be bothered to save it. Despite years of me desperately trying to salvage something. He has also cited my PND as a cause of his anger.

At no point has he ever seemed concerned I was close to suicide at this point. Everything has always been about the impact on him. My pregnancy was somehow about how my behaviour was difficult for him. As was my PND and endometriosis. I mean don't get me wrong, I appreciate these are difficult things for him to cope with, but it hasn't been a walk in the park for me. I'm a pretty resilient person, but the last few years have come close to destroying me entirely. And I have repeatedly sought professional help, whilst it took me walking out for him to get help with his anger.

Why oh why do his word still hurt me so badly? How can I be free of this hateful man!? I'm currently balls deep in trying to sell our house and even the is something he uses against me, saying its amazing I can do all this now i'm single, but couldn't be bothered to help him with things when we were together. 3 months and this man still makes me cry.

They all do this when we stand up for ourselves and make them ex's I made him an arsehole because I would have more babies and be a SAHM. That I am young and extroverted and want to still go out and have fun and you know have sex with my husband, how dare I want that and yet not want the more babies part.

You've got out, head up and get rid and I second counselling... it's done me a world of good 😁

Would not*

@caffeineInfusion he is already spitting nails that I'm just getting on with stuff, it makes him livid that I'm not floundering and begging him to come back and save me. That does give me real joy!

@3sb73zmlsn98. The walking cliche comment made me chuckle!

The good ol’ cunt thumb 😂😂

It helps to be honest- to walk away from the prick of an ex H. I guess I had a realisation that the nice side of my exH wasn’t even real- so in a way it helped me let go of the persona that I had created to justify my love and me sticking around being treated so appallingly for years in a sham of a marriage. He even now- 15 years on- lies about things we did or things I said. But I honestly don’t care. Those who know me know it’s untrue and those who don’t know me don’t matter to me and can believe what they want. Our shared children see him for what and who he is, which is sad really in many ways but it means they don’t get embroiled in the lies and manipulation... which means he keeps them at arms length even as adults. His loss and not their though- hope sharing here has helped you @JustBeingMoi but really you ARE better off without that useless lump of crap.

14 years after I left my x he'd still blame me for everything he was angry about! This used to upset me. But it just makes me pity him now. A bit. Like if I could muster up the energy to feel any emotion I suppose it would be a half-hearted pity.

Classic abuser tactic.

Turn around and claim that your victim is the abuser.

Grey rock like others have said. Don't give him the satisfaction.

@nasiisthebest

Can I share about my ex? He had erectile dysfunction with every relationship before me, with me and now with his current girlfriend. Apparantly it's all my fault because I don't have a pretty belly. I find it very surprising that I caused erectile dysfunction before we even met. He is adamant that I did and his GF is angry with me .

That's an amazing superpower you have!

Just block him, he's your ex and you don't need to speak to him.
Maybe apart from one last note that says "thank you for proving what an abusive man you are" "You are apparently textbook" lol.
Then block and have nothing more to do with him.

Classic DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.

Yes me too. I asked mine to leave last month as he is an alcoholic and cheat (In denial about all of it). He has now firmly placed himself as the victim and me and the aggressor saying, I quote “I am the one walking the lonely path, not you”. No recognition of the hurt and pain he has left behind. I am now having to rearrange every aspect of my life to make it work for me and our DC.

I have told my neighbour that If she ever sees me taking a new man into My home, that she pops over to check this one has a backbone.

I’m using that thumbs up technique! I also recommend grey rock (so hard but very empowering). I have an actual grey pebble on my desk which I stare at when the rage rises.

This:
Abusers hate silence. They feel they're too important to be ignored

And this:
Classic abuser tactic.Turn around and claim that your victim is the abuser

I've lived through it. He completely re-wrote history and blamed me for everything. I held a gun at his head and made him sleep with all those other women as well. Apparently.

Well it took a while but now I feel nothing about him at all. He is nothing and will always be nothing. You can do it!

I had a short relationship with a man who spent a long time talking about his ex. He couldn't explain what he ever saw in her and why they married and had children. I offered so many options, love?,... Nope , not that. Compatibility? Not that either.... I said was it to be able to have children or societal pressures? Nope not either if those things either. We never did get to the bottom of it except to say that he felt she had manipulated him. I didn't buy it at all and lost all respect for him. That was one red flag I didn't miss in life. Just to say, other people will see through him, not everyone but some will. I'm sorry this is happening to you though. It sounds awful.

Honestly don’t even dignify his bullshit by letting it upset you. This is just more of the same - emotional abuse in a different guise.

You know the truth so he can’t rewrite it to you. And if anyone else believes that he was pushed into proposing, marrying and having DCs with you against his will, it just reflects really badly on him not you.

Move on, grey rock is the way to go with people like this, as any type of emotional response will just mean he has touched a nerve and will give him oxygen. Suffocate his crap by not even acknowledging it.

@litterbird

Oh, this is standard behaviour of these types of men. You are not alone. I had an incredibly long and vacuous email from an ex detailing similar things as your ex has done. I actually couldn't believe he was actually writing about our relationship he had re written the history so much. I let the email sit for a good few days to let it sink in. Angry and upset first of all then outraged then I started laughing because what he wrote was so ridiculous. The email was very very long. I decided to reply with one emoji. It was the thumbs up emoji. It worked a treat he was absolutely furious, another diatribe of how awful I was in the relationship and I replied again with another thumbs up emoji. He stopped after that. Keep your power OP, he's just had his ego smashed to pulp because you dared to leave.

OOH! you total fucker, you!

Oh mine rewrote history too. Everything he stated as fact in the divorce papers was utter bullshit - at the time it drove me crazy, reading all his completely fabricated lies. My anxiety was hellish.I kept reminding myself that it didn't matter what he said or did, I knew the truth. And I didn't have to lie even once.

I promise you, your rage will pass. You might still get irritated by him but you'll be able to deal with it so much better in time. I genuinely laugh when I hear the bullshit he comes out with now, and I literally couldn't give a shiny shit what he thinks of me. I have had him blocked for 4 years now (and all his family too as he started emailing me through their accounts). Everything is done through the lawyers. Currently trying to get the house on the market and apparently he's been emailing me again to discuss what he wants - I haven't bothered unblocking to see what he's saying. He thinks his words are 'falling on deaf ears' according to my 16 year old DS - this gives me immense satisfaction that he actually thinks I'm ignoring him rather than realising he's blocked!

Grey rock is your friend. Look into that and only engage on a practical level, if you have to engage at all. I love the thumbs up response or just agreeing with him. They can't understand the sudden lack of reaction and it really freaks them out. And get on with living a happy and peaceful life. Leave him to stew ins own miserable juices.

What a shame there's so many of these terrible people out there.

When you feel upset it's just the sheer frustration of how unjust it feels, just know your inner truth and let him stew in his own soup of untruth. Don't feel he has any power because anyone who knows you will know its all bollocks, and anyone who chooses to believe him doesn't matter. Try and imagine a shield around you which does not allow any shite he chooses to spew to actually touch you. When I realised I did not need to use any energy to try and defend myself to my ex (because it was a pointless exercise) it was liberating.

@LirBan I had to laugh at this - my ex used his ED as a chat up line - I actually saw one of his texts to some woman he was trying it on with which said "I just want to be your friend XXX, I can prove this to you because I have ED, I barely have sex with my wife, please feel free to ask her about it" !!!

Apparently according to his friend, the plan is to use this line, then the person who he's chasing will feel comfortable enough to spend time with him, then hey presto - they will get close and he will demonstrate that she has "cured" his issue because she is so perfect, unlike his wife. Said friend also filled me in on the multiple times that this ploy was used successfully :(

These men aren't fit to lick our boots!

@TwentyViginti....thank you...one must keep standards high

3 months is very early days OP, everything is still very fresh and raw, especially your emotions.

You are doing well, very well in fact, and he knows it ! That's why he's throwing every insult and dirty lie he can come up with to try to 'bring you back down'.

He knows that it's only when he's beaten you down, that he has control over you. Do NOT let him see he's managed to upset you, as this will make him even worse in the long run.

Definitely ignore all his nastiness and make sure you're ONLY communicating either via solicitors or via email ( so you have written proof of what he's said).

Remember, the only power he has, is the power YOU give him.
So give him fuck all ! Smile, laugh and look happy. That in itself will give you power over HIM, as he will see that he no longer has the power to hurt you. You can cry and mourn the end of the relationship in private.

You are doing great !

OP, I feel your pain. It's the injustice! During our breakup my ex tried saying that I "got pregnant because you didn't like your job". No, I got pregnant because he wouldn't stop when I asked him to.

I agree with others, don't engage. And if you can afford it get a solicitor to do any necessary communications.

My ex claimed he was forced to impregnate me via sexual assault, even though he was on top and he was the one not wearing a condom. Apparently I emotionally coerced him via telepathy or something, and it was very traumatic for him. Clearly it was so traumatic that he couldn’t even mention it when we got married a year later. I apparently forced him into that too, including the big party he wanted even though I said I’d be happy just going to the pub.

I find this mostly ridiculous now but it devastated me at the time. He took the most precious of my memories and trashed them and rewrote them specifically to hurt me and absolve his cheating arse. Divorcing him was the best thing I ever did.

Mine wasn't even abusive, and HE ended the marriage - but he still rewrote our past history to make it sound as though he'd suffered throughout and been forced into marriage!

It's just how they make themselves feel better, that's all.

I left my ex over 3 years ago, after a very long relationship. I hear on the grapevine that he's still doing the "woe is me" act, blaming me for breaking his heart and insinuating I must have a bloke on the scene.

I just smile and don't comment. The same people also tell me that they don't like him, and can see why I left, and that "I haven't even seen you around with anyone". I just reply that there hasn't been anyone else, its just been me and the DC. I don't say anything more, or about him.

The fact that I dont even mention ex will get back to him, and i know it'll wind him up. I'm effectively grey rocking via a 3rd party and he can't call me out on it because I'm not talking to anyone publicly about him, which he said he wanted.

Only my very closest family and a couple of friends know about the abuse, they won't talk.