My STBXH has rewritten out entire 14 relationship

[JustBeingMoi]

So my stbxh has left me spluttering with rage, disbelief and hurt for telling me I am the cause of all his anger. The whole lot. Nothing else. Just me.

Back story. I asked him to leave nearly 3 months ago due emotional and verbal abuse, with some pushing kicking shoving pinning incidents thrown in there for shits and giggles.

Since this point i have been told that I guilt tripped him into proposing, forced him to get married and have our dd. He has accused me of ostracising him from his friends, when i have actively encouraged and organised gatherings.

Today he told me that I caused all of the anger that caused him to behave the way he did towards me. So basically it was all my fault. So not only am I abusive and coercive, but my marriage was apparently a sham he was forced into entering into, as was parenthood, and the abuse I experienced at his hands, was all my fault.

I am overwhelmed by feelings of hurt, anger and frankly disgust that he has used my genuine affection and love for him, and my desire to commit to him completely, and turned it into something dirty, shameful and as justification for his terrible treatment of me.

Honestly not sure what the point of this post is apart from utter hurt, devastation and a desperate need to vent. Earlier he told me I had no right to still be hurting, because I ended it because I couldn't be bothered to save it. Despite years of me desperately trying to salvage something. He has also cited my PND as a cause of his anger.

At no point has he ever seemed concerned I was close to suicide at this point. Everything has always been about the impact on him. My pregnancy was somehow about how my behaviour was difficult for him. As was my PND and endometriosis. I mean don't get me wrong, I appreciate these are difficult things for him to cope with, but it hasn't been a walk in the park for me. I'm a pretty resilient person, but the last few years have come close to destroying me entirely. And I have repeatedly sought professional help, whilst it took me walking out for him to get help with his anger.

Why oh why do his word still hurt me so badly? How can I be free of this hateful man!? I'm currently balls deep in trying to sell our house and even the is something he uses against me, saying its amazing I can do all this now i'm single, but couldn't be bothered to help him with things when we were together. 3 months and this man still makes me cry.

You've had lots of feedback here op, but I wanted to add my voice to the chorus and assure you that a very similar thing happened to me! A lot of your post was word for word re what my ex said to me.

And yes he was hurting and trying to regain some power... but that didn't stop it from being pitiful and frankly disgusting. My ex also told me I had forced/tricked him into having a baby... such a vile thing to say.

Definitely suggest grey rock. Now nearly 5 years later we are polite and respectful, albeit distant. Life is so much better.

So sorry this happened to you, so glad you have mn for support xx

@RedTitsMcGinty that is exactly it. It is the destruction of treasured memories into something nasty and seedy and underhand. I suppose I'm feeling pretty vulnerable and it's very raw at the moment. But after everything he has said and done, I still couldnt ever bring myself to intentionally hurt him the way he has me. It is that desire to rip up the past, to manipulate events to intentionally cause someone they have professed to love the most incredible pain, and use their soft spots to inflict the most possible hurt. Those vulnerable soft spots that they only know about because we have trusted them enough to expose ourselves to them completely. I still cannot comprehend the desire to inflict that sort of hurt.

Please, please, please OP send him the thumbs up emoji! For me? He did this in writing didn't he?

Too, too good.

If he's doing it in person just put a big smirk on your face and say 'yeah I know. Brilliant isn't it?' Agree with everything. Yes you're right you didn't wsnt to get married. I planned the whole thing. What a total fuckwit.

It's really unfair and unfathomable to me what they get out of it. Aren't they also completely destroying their own history with that person, erasing all the good memories?

Or is that just worthwhile collateral damage to them?

Or is it all about being the victim?

I think I hate the idea if being seen as a victim so I find it hard to understand.

It is a real shame they do this. My ex had an affair, but it's been years, and when we do see each other today it's relaxed. I hardly think about it at all. The only thing I really can't imagine forgetting, the reason I can't imagine respecting him again, is this. It feels as if he was disloyal to his own children. Imagine if they found out he told his OW he didn't want them. Even though that is a load of bollocks. Ugh.

@Greendays557 exactly all of what you said! Is the need to cone out on top so bloody important that they are happy to trash anything good. Is their need to preserve their reputation, both to others and themselves so damn important!? Is the need to be a victim so strong. I'm totally with you on being seen as a victim. Its totally intolerable to me.

I wonder if women say this sort of thing, too? I find it so hard to imagine.

My ex husband did this too. Very common with abusers. He rewrote history making everything my fault. He also claimed I shafted him for every penny he had which couldn't be further from the truth.

It took me a long long time to realise that what he thought didn't matter and to stop engaging with his bullshit. Please don't waste years worrying about it like I did!

@tarasmalatarocks

Many Men have egos the size of a planet and when someone actually dares to leave them then they instantly rewrite history as they can’t accept that they themselves were mainly responsible for a deteriorating relationship

This. A million times this.

i appreciate it may be difficult to see this in a positive light, but really it's just confirmation you've made the right choice!

someone that can so easily dismantle such milestones to try and save themselves is definitely not someone to be indulged.

a thumbs up response would be delicious!

Damn I wish I had given him a thumbs up. I will definitely try this tactic in future. I have definitely been grey rocking him, or trying my hardest to do so at least.

The thing is OP youve clearly got under his skin. Which is an excellent result! From now on you know what to do... 👍

As for why he's acting like this? Because he's a cunt. That's literally all you need to know. Be prepared for plenty more, and don't be afraid to tell people the truth.

Oh by the way credit for the genius thumbs up emoji answer goes to @litterbird.

So succinct, so perfect, and so very very annoying for him.

@JustBeingMoi

Thank you *@MzHz*. I cannot tell you how much strength Mumsnetters have given me. The advice and support has been invaluable. I know i need to let it go. I suppose its all part of the last grieving and adjusting process. Thankfully despite wanting to reply to him, i have vented on here to you amazing people!

Mums before Bums :)

Well done chick! You got us now, you’re going to be just fine

Seems like we all married the same man !! The OW and my ex told me that I'd pushed him into marriage and kids. Amazingly, he lasted for 24 years so I'm perplexed that he felt so unhappy from the get go! LOL!!

Pathetic.

You're right not to rise to the bait that this massive arsehole is throwing, you're well rid, hooray for you!

They all say that to us single women. If we believed them then literally no man ever married the woman he wanted or had children he planned. Arseholes.

My ex told me that we had never actually been in a relationship and I cried for days. Now I look back on it and wonder why I ever let that upset me when we've got 2 DC that confirm the existence of the relationship You'll probably never understand the reason for him being so hurtful but you will stop caring about it. Give it time.

I was frigid according to my ex, due to a former boyfriend lovely excuse that one, blame some else for His crapness in bed.

I still laugh when I think of what my ex said to me the day I walked out of that house. "You're making a big mistake you know, you'll never meet anyone as good as me.'

The shock on his face when 18 months later I introduced him to my (now) 2nd husband who is well spoken, privately educated and a general all round good guy (the private education bit is relevant as my ex is a huge social climber who thinks that anyone who went to private school is a God. Not a view I share!)

Twat's, the lot of them. I just feel sorry for the next lot of women who will be taken in by them.

@Vodkacranberryplease

Oh by the way credit for the genius thumbs up emoji answer goes to *@litterbird*.

So succinct, so perfect, and so very very annoying for him.

Agreed - this is ace and I'm going to use it at the next opportunity!

Hopefully on your dickhead ex! Double revenge! 😁

Oh OP, forget about this guy, you sound well well rid of him. Try your best not to engage in conversations with him, you know what he's doing and you know what is and isn't true. Also best of luck to you in the future

Another one here. It's amazing they all follow a script. If you can afford a solicitor, get one. Also chumplady made me laugh out loud at about where you are OP. It really really really does get better OP. And Mumsnet has literally been a godsend throughout this whole awful process. But it is just a process. And you will totally get there