Ok what do you call this ?

[Tempnamelady]

Sounds ridiculous it really does. DH , history of anxiety /OCD and messes about with his meds , has just come off Sertaline of his own volition because he reckons ‘ it wasn’t helping’.He has accessed counselling via my private healthcare but never discusses much of what is said with me even if I ask. Has very fixed opinions and hates being challenged. His football team are playing tonight not that well and he becomes really shouty and negative , arguing with adult DS to the point where he is now sulking in the back room and DS keeps popping in and trying to coax him back in . I just can’t bear it, i said it’s controlling and he saw his arse.Feel embarrassed tbh and DH girlfriend is staying and probably thinks he’s a complete dick , which I agree with. This ridiculous scenario or similar has happened on numerous occasions over the years to the point where it’s caused arguments.
I’m upstairs drinking wine but fuming tbh, DS is such a lovely kid and I just can’t understand why DH gets so wound up.

On the anxiety /OCD front there have been several bouts in recent years, they have never stopped him going to the pub multiple nights ( because socialising helps) and that I ‘don’t understand’ and ‘ haven’t been supportive’ . Sick of it all to be honest , nothing about being with him makes me happy, I rely on my hobbies and friends for enjoyment. We are in our 50s , have no money worries and I have a successful career. He is retired from his main job but back working in a stress free job with lots of time off. I do all the life admin , finances etc and never ask him for help with anything.

Sorry to offload but I don’t know what I can do to change things.The thought of retirement with him frankly depresses me , luckily I love my job and will be working for as long as I can.

I think Gepilli had it right first time. "Mental he-waltz" is exactly what he's doing - putting on a choreographed show of misery, every time he isn't 100% getting his own way.

I think the judges on here have given him all 2s and 3s for this performance though.

Oh my god he's got you totally fooled hasn't he? Oh well on your own head be it. If you want to pander to him snd make it worse go right ahead.

@vodkacranberryplease , I’m trying but finding it difficult, I know I have to change my mindset though and I do really appreciate you posting.

He is playing you like a fiddle. I think you need to talk to someone and understand why you need to abase yourself in this way. Why do you need to be the martyr in the grotty flat. Why do you feel so guilty even though he's the one acting like a shit? It's not healthy.

He's happy to go to the pub and have a laugh. He was perfectly fine with his mates. And yet he's able to pin literally all of the blame for his mental health on you and you just take it! Extraordinary.

Go see a solicitor as soon as possible so you can be free of this millstone as soon as possible.

@candycane222

Sorry op but you do sound so passive. There's a lot to unravel. Perhaps speaking to your gp and seeing if there's any kind of therapy you could look at? He is absolutely a manipulative wanker though.

How are you doing @Tempnamelady ?

I do hope he has moved out or you have found some way forward.

Sorry a hectic week at work so far! But I didn’t want to just fade away after you all took the time to respond.

I’m annoyed with myself that once again I’ve let him away with it, albeit I told him the next time I’m done. I’m ridiculous I know, but my son is in his last year at uni living at home , and though I know I shouldn’t I can’t bear to see him or even for that matter DH upset.

But don’t think I haven’t taken all comments on board and your observations are spot on , I just wish I was stronger and harder hearted.

I know there’s a lot wrong with my marriage and I’ve still got a lot of thinking to do.But thanks so much for all your advice , I do really appreciate it .

[quote Tempnamelady]@geppili i would not know a nights sleep with him feeling low in a grotty flat, me not so bothered I will be fine.[/quote]
Omg you need to wise up, otherwise you're going to get absolutely screwed over in this divorce.
Think about this: will he care if you're in a grotty flat? Hell no!
Stop being the socially conditioned woman who puts a man's feelings and well being before your own and your son's.
Don't move out.

Sorry, didn't quite get to the end of the thread.
What a life for you- you are to blame for everything. Your husband can do whatever he wants because it's always your fault.
You deserve better.

OP, you know in your heart this isn’t right and won’t get better. You say he’s not bad all the time, no abuser is. There’s always some positivity or you wouldn’t stay!

Please, please do The Freedom Programme. You can do it online, it’s only £14 (I think). I also highly recommend “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. With your childhood it’s easy to fall into a pattern with your partner like you have. Going through both of these will open your eyes to his behaviours and why he behaves as he does.

Really, really, really move on. You know you need to.

Please tell me you've found a nice new place close to work with room for the dogs. The bank have agreed a mortgage and you've decided to live life and stop just existing.

Really fuck your old man. He's not kind to you. And you know it. Kindness is the foundation of marriage. Without it love dies.