Ok what do you call this ?

[Tempnamelady]

Sounds ridiculous it really does. DH , history of anxiety /OCD and messes about with his meds , has just come off Sertaline of his own volition because he reckons ‘ it wasn’t helping’.He has accessed counselling via my private healthcare but never discusses much of what is said with me even if I ask. Has very fixed opinions and hates being challenged. His football team are playing tonight not that well and he becomes really shouty and negative , arguing with adult DS to the point where he is now sulking in the back room and DS keeps popping in and trying to coax him back in . I just can’t bear it, i said it’s controlling and he saw his arse.Feel embarrassed tbh and DH girlfriend is staying and probably thinks he’s a complete dick , which I agree with. This ridiculous scenario or similar has happened on numerous occasions over the years to the point where it’s caused arguments.
I’m upstairs drinking wine but fuming tbh, DS is such a lovely kid and I just can’t understand why DH gets so wound up.

On the anxiety /OCD front there have been several bouts in recent years, they have never stopped him going to the pub multiple nights ( because socialising helps) and that I ‘don’t understand’ and ‘ haven’t been supportive’ . Sick of it all to be honest , nothing about being with him makes me happy, I rely on my hobbies and friends for enjoyment. We are in our 50s , have no money worries and I have a successful career. He is retired from his main job but back working in a stress free job with lots of time off. I do all the life admin , finances etc and never ask him for help with anything.

Sorry to offload but I don’t know what I can do to change things.The thought of retirement with him frankly depresses me , luckily I love my job and will be working for as long as I can.

Well that didn’t go well. I did think of doing the usual thing of ignoring him until he grudgingly apologises after a day or too if I’m lucky. Instead I went up and told him I’d hardly slept with the upset and his behaviour was ridiculous. He went mad, shouting and bawling about me overreacting , that I don’t understand , that I am not good for him. I said I was not responsible for his MH and that I can call him out on it. He said in that case let’s get a divorce . My son and his girlfriend will have heard every word, I’m so embarrassed and upset.

He’s gone off to work in a temper, I’m sitting here feeling shaky and tearful, couldn’t face the gym. Dreading work but at least I’m wfh on my own.

I have absolutely no doubt he will blame his next decline on me not understanding his MH. He said he was the best he’s been in ages ( in which case why behave like he did last night) and that I’ve ruined it all. Nothing to do with the fact he stopped taking his Sertaline, which if understand it right balances an imbalance in something which in turns causes MH issues. So stands to reason that stopping taking it suddenly won’t help right?

FFS.

I have absolutely no doubt he will blame his next decline on me not understanding his MH.

He’s emotionally abusive OP.
He has suggested divorce....there’s your ticket to a happy life! Or the alternative is to continue on in this charade with a man who acts like he hates you and brings nothing but misery and stress to your life.

You’re so ground down by his behaviour over the years that you aren’t seeing clearly.
It would be such a weight off your shoulders if you broke free from him.

What are you holding on to? Memories of the man he used to be?

@TwilightPeace- that was a response to the DH’s suggestion that the OP doesn’t want him to get better- I mean, why would she want him ill when it impacts on her and her DS’s life so negatively. I wasn’t suggesting for a moment that she used it to fix things- I think that ship may have sailed.

What are you expecting/hoping to happen?

He uses his MH issues to control you. Step out of line or express needs of your own and he uses the threat of a "decline" to make you STFU.

And it works every time.

It's controlling and manipulative behaviour. It's up to you to make changes because what he does now works for him. He's got no incentive to behave better or to get well, tbh.

Get a divorce. For goodness sake you only get one life. Get a bloody divorce.

It’s called being an arse.

My friend and i recenrly read 'Women who love too much' amd it has excellent points around children of alcoholics and subsequent relationship patterns. Might be worth a read..

Well you didn't expect him to give up all that lovely power, and his prized victim status just like that did you? Oh no this is going to be a very bumpy ride indeed if you choose to go down this route.

You have three real choices.

LTB. Based on how fed up you are and what he (doesn't) add to your life I suggested this.

Put up with it and don't complain or be upset about it

Do something about it. You've talked about it I assume. If not do, honestly. Then if it doesn't change introduce an immediate consequence every single time that you carry out without anger or spite. Something that affects him but not you. He will be furious. There will be yelling and tears and emotional blackmail. Say nothing just stick to your guns. It will not be easy.

Eventually he will understand that acting like a prick means a consequence and he will do it less and less. Then stop.

If he doesn't. LTB. He's not changing and is more attached to his behaviour than you can imagine or he can not change.

FWIW what he's doing is pure manipulation. That alone would actually make me very angry - NOT 'shaky and tearful'

He's made a total arsed if himself too, he needs to apologise to all of you for being a prize dick. Back down now and you might as well just let him go whatever he wants.

And if you're thinking 'it's not worth it I don't want the conflict anything for an easy life' then you are complicit. He's a spoilt child having a tantrum.

I call it abusive actions on his behalf.

I would call it as the end of my marriage and I would work towards sorting this out.

Thanks so much for your input I truly value it. I’ve confided in a couple of my friends who have said similar . During the last bad bout at Xmas I confided in those same friends and he read my whatsapp and wasn’t happy so I have to be careful what I say and to whom .

@Tempnamelady he's using his anger to control you. You don't 'have' to do anything and you certainly don't have to put up with this is the name of depression.

If he won't stop then you are wasting your life. We are similar ages and I'm becoming all too aware how short life is - especially the part where you can enjoy it and have your health.

Try Dr Paul Haucks books on strategies to put an end to this. You can't just let it drag on and he's not going to give up his control without a fight.

I’m actually only 49 just rounded it up for ease :) but I do know what you mean @Vodkacranberryplease .

But how the f do you start unravelling a life of this long together If that’s what it takes, the thought of it just exhausts me? I honestly don’t think he would cope without me.

Actually whether or not he copes without you is not your problem.

Given your background, you have an ingrained fear of challenging people who play the MH card, I think.

Also, the police background is very relevant here. Coping with it all by himself, getting aggressive, flying off the handle to shut you up. Apologies to all those who have peaceful and lovely retired police as partners.

It will be less exhausting unravelling it than continuing to live it for another 30 years

He said he was the best he’s been in ages ( in which case why behave like he did last night) and that I’ve ruined it all

This thread exists because he was NOT the best hes ever been, he was acting like such a cunt people were telling you to leave him. You've ruined nothing.

Maybe you should get a MH issue "Sickayashit" is quite common I hear. Symptoms involve plenty of "Fuck the fuck off" and "Not my problem but be rude to me again and absence will quickly become your problem" You can't help it. You're ill.

You call it lying and taking advantage

You don't think that you may have swapped an alcoholic mum for an alcoholic DH?

All that time in the pub, he isn't playing darts, is he? And, if he's just not quite as bad as your mum, maybe you haven't picked up on it, or you are trying to blank out his relationship with alcohol?

He sounds, quite honestly, like a horrible man.

Hey OP I'm not that fucking old! And I certainly don't live the life of an old person! At 49 you can be on tinder having a blast (I was) and going out and having fun, not babysitting some retired guy who won't even go on a city break because, you know, depression. You are living like a 70 year old (but one that works).

How do you disentangle it? Easy. You see a solicitor then you say 'this isnt working for me. You need to move out by x date. I am not helping you get better and this is not healthy for either of us'

He moves out. Life goes on.

@Vodkacranberryplease no offence intended 🤣 . I’m very young at heart for 49 myself .

He won’t move anywhere but I will if I need to . I just have no idea what mood he will come back in , penitent , bolshy , depressed. Feel sick to be honest.

Honestly - you ladies rock , so much good advice on here and validation that it’s not all my fault which is how I’ve started to feel. Thanks so much 😊

Well the housing market is booming so a good time to sell. Get it on the market and tell him it's over.

And he 'won't' move out? Who the fuck does he think he is? God? You earn more than him and are working and have a son at home. No, no, no he fucking moves out, while you put it on the market.

Honestly you can't let this man dictate your life.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I highly recommend

'How to break free of the Drama Triangle & Victim Consciousness' by Barry K Weinhold £6.00 on Amazon.

My life is very similar but this book is helping me enormously and I check my enabling/rescuing behaviour every single day. After many years it's not easy but I'm getting there and not feeling so responsible/guilty. Also a quick read which is great!
Good luck.

Christ, if you're only 49, you could be looking at another 3 decades of this crap.

Pandering to his mental health issues - which are an excuse to control and emotionally abuse you.
Potentially ending up his carer through the diseases of old age and alcoholism.

Or you could dump the fucker and have a whole new life.

It's your potential 30 years, give or take, to choose.

You don't get a do-over.

Oh OP. 49 is so young.

I know it must seem such a Herculean task to separate and move out but you can do it. Have you ever spoken to Women’s Aid or anyone like that? They will offer support. They offer the Freedom programme online which you might find helpful.

Good luck xxx

Believe me, he’ll cope just fine.......